Ghosts

i just went to see “Pan’s Labrynth”
it was nice and stuff
good story
however
what led me to go see it was
Leo and i were maybe going to have a 4 way with some guys we met from craigslist
maybe a 5 way
maybe a 6 way!
or, no way.
Leo picked me up from the Hilton (P… portland)
where i had just finished having sex with a very cute guy
who’d hired me for a massage
and when i arrived he said
“…um… could you just massage me for an hour and we have sex for an hour? ”
i had told him i wanted that a few days back when he first contacted me
but he’d been demure til now
and oddly
he wasn’t hard at all during the massage
very cute guy
Guys…
Today i spent the day wandering around Portland
my portland…
only after waking up in the arms of an American man…
strange fellow
the sort of fellow i imagine i would like to be, i suppose
is who he is who he is who he is
not really conceited
but sure of himself
certainly in love with himself
knows what’s good about himself
and extrapolates on that
“… well, i have 7 PhDs… i think they can dispense with the tape-measure around the head”
“i’ve only been playing violin about ten years now…”
after he tells me about a night that some circus performers got injured and he had to adlib to take the attention away
and keep morale up
“Don’t Dream it: Be It.”
as FrankenFurter would said…
i love meeting men like this
and
as i always imagine
an archer would be good for me
i gave him a massage once we were awake
sweetness…
then he left to return up north
and i came to see Leo
— we’re at odds at this point
short and snappy with eachother
i guess i’ve worn him away
his tolerance of me
i think i’m a monster right now
splitting at the seams
light and sewage
quite a mess, i imagine
but also quite bright
quite strong
i’m an exaggerated dominic right now
and leo is fading
he’s tired, his legs hurt, he can’t see, he can’t hear, he’s farting all the time and not adimiting to it. he just wants things simple.
and he’s doing the same things he’s always done
which means he’ll just get worse
nothing i can do.
nothing i can do but nag
and that’s a shitty way of loving.
stuffy and pissy
i forced him to go to SE portland for lunch instead of eating down town (which i KNOW would be crap)
we ate at Cafe Paradox
i used to eat there with Genevive and Sheridan
and Trevis
i have pictures..
where are they?
each hipster kid we passed on the way there:
could that be her?
we went into the Tao of Tea
so in love with the place
such strong tea
relaxed me so
Leo doesn’t know relaxation
just
“i’m tired”
pearls before piggies
still
i enjoyed the oolong (after so long)
and the Pu-ehr
hmmmm
hmmmm
leo called me “scattered” about three times today
i’m moving too fast for him
and anything i’m not narrating
he doesn’t understand (in relation to me, i mean)
of course
he’s not pulliing his way in any way but paying the hotel bill
which i wouldn’t be in if it weren’t for him.
sad
bitching at me
i drop him off at the Art Museum
which he wants to go to
because that’s what he does when he goes to cities he doens’t know
which makes no sense to me
i leave him
to see
The City
Portland, My Portland
after all this time
i remember man i visited in that building
i remember parking my car here
i remember the lady there who was crying, asking for change
and i only wished i could change her… give her..
i remember the junkies
where are they now?
new boarded up buildings
oh good, it hasn’t all be cleaned and sold
is it settling down a bit after it’s BOOM?
it Was cold, though
and some of the smaller shops were gone
the music store
the old book store
now both clothing stores…
i went into powell’s
and just got lost for a while
looking at books
susan sontag with a baby
patti smith with jackson and jessee
eventually finding myself looking at some art
burnt into wood
eventually remembering Lang
and going to buy a book of faery tales to read while traveling.
going into the toilets
remembering desperate days there
cruising
hoping
is it really so strange?
different now
but still nice
i bought a book
looked for trevis, sheridan, genevive
in the cafe
no…
no
it was mostly Ghosts of Trevis i was seeing
was he working at Tao of Tea?
was he riding his bike?
was he in the rain?
where is he?
Leo called
and i told him where i am
well
he only heard a part of it
(i’ve told him how to heal himself a million times: he’s not interested)
i walked
i talked to clients
potential clients
i waited for leo
i tried calling him 5 times
he didn’t hear the ringing
but he found me
eventually
and wasn’t sure where we were going
i almost knew where we were going
Fox & Hound
been invited there by Chuck
yesterday
when we stopped by the club
he told us there was a bear happy hour
and we could meet his knew partner: Niles
he said he was so happy to meet my Beau
oh…
i tried to explain
but certain people see the world in certain ways…
cut back to Leo and i walking down the street
i have to go into Embers to ask the bar(flys)tender
where the Fox and Hound is?
they give me vague directions
should have just followed my own vague memories
would have got me there
but it’s all in the timing
an walking down the street
i saw a rather smart bear parking his car
he turns and smiles at me
and it’s someone i know
Who?
i dunno
but i know him
and our eyes are all light up like rescue fires in the tower
message signals
blink blink
it takes a moment for my brain to retrieve the information:
Stephen
who’s living on a farm for many years in Washington
what are you doing here?
he tells me the story
decided that living off the grid with many animals
and no partner
just wasn’t worth it
so he’s making a flip/flop
got a condo
gonna travel the world.
Alright!
maybe i’ll live here in Portland?
we go to the bar
order fish and chips
and tell our stories
rub our beards
smile at the cuties
the boy with the twirled mustache
the short
the round
the grey
the brown
so many beauties
some nervous
some flaming
i had to eat and run
(but i remembered his address in my head)
and walked walked walked across town to the Hilton for my incredibly cute jewish/wasp blend
what a gorgeous nose!
and all his other bits, really
i wish the whole world could bask in beauty and confidence
we get flashes
we do…
but this wasn’t one of them
Leo picks me up and he’s driving
and he’s frustrated and short
and snappy
i vaguely know where we’re going
for some reason
i thought we’d be back at the hotel first
thought i’d have their number in my phone
but my phone has been a pain in the ass
… the bridge is up
i run out to look
and the barriers lift
we’re driving south
i point out the turning lane
leo says “yes yes”
but doesn’t get in it
until i mention it again
i point at the exit
leo drives right by it
then gets very angry!
leo is getting old
i guess everyone who lives gets old
i guess that’s why i said i’d kill my self at 50
so i WOULDn’t get old
but at this point
i might make it 60
coz i think many 50 somethings are very sexy
even 60 somethings…
but maybe they’re slipping more…
well
i’m not planning the future
certainly don’t plan suicide
i’ve just been looking for Ghosts of my old friends all day
i called Dream Will
and his number was gone
Where’s Trevis?
i take the wheel
and drive to where we’re supposed to meet these guys
but the house i think is their’s
isn’t.
the guy says “it’s too late”
indeed, i was about 20 minutes late
but that’s a bit extreme
they’re just waiting around at home…
oh, it isn’t him.
right, sorry.
Leo is tired and wants to go home
we’re half way to Pan’s Labrynth..
(for some reason it’s only playing at a few cinemas around town
and they all seem to be far-out)
but Leo doesn’t want to go see a movie
i drive him home
call the guys an appologize
wonder if i should…
i wish i could do the things i liked with a Friend
i could call Trevis
or Sheridan
i have their numbers
but they’d just hate me for asking.
i go alone
and i get there on time
it’s a good film
a nice story
brutal
but such is being human, thanks dear.