Fun!

Death

Leo always makes references to some John Water’s movie where the Devine (i think) character is screaming about having an abortion because there is this thing GROWING in her robbing her of all the FUN she deserves to be having.

i’m not someone who often desires to have FUN. i enjoy it when it happens… but don’t try to manufacture it.

however
this post was written after a two week trip where i was caring for him the most intensely i have since i got here
he was suffering every day
and i was doing most of the work
and having to put aside most of the things i wanted to do in order to care for him
and more importantly
just be present to him

we’d just driven through very beautiful countryside
where i would have loved to have got out and hiked around
enjoyed it
i hate being in cars for the most part, so that entire aspect was making me unhappy
and i was missing my home, my friends, my freedom and my life.

we’d just checked into a hotel where he promply made a cocktail
downed it
and was half way through another
i’d drank half a pint of german beer
and he was watching TV
flicking through stations spastically and complaining about how inane everything was

i love and appreciate him
but chose not to be his partner a long long time ago
and though i love him and feel obligated to be here to help him in the ending of his life
i miss MY life

my blog isn’t about making me appear anything that i’m not
i do my best to be as honest as i can

this is a new experience for me
and as soon as we walked out the door and the cool night air hit me
i was ashamed i had posted it
and obsessively checked facebook so i could delete it as soon as it cross-posted onto my wall
but felt i should leave it on here just to see what response (if any) i got here.

there is the annotation.