far away

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after all this time knowing leo
i’ve finally succeeded in distancing him

he was very angry at me today
and i with him

he even called me a “brat”

either i’m growing up in a good way
and moving away from things that aren’t good for me

or i’m burning bridges and being a total asshole

either way: i’m being true to myself

—
when i arrived in California this trip
a good friend died the day before
so when i got up to Leo’s
i had mortality on my mind
Leo has gained about 60 pounds since i first met him
and when i first met him
he’d just lost about 60 pounds on a diet
because it was making his life so miserable
: he talked about it all the time
so seeing him like this really made me scared/sad:
leo doesn’t go to doctors
and he’s getting older
so i know this is bad for him
i’ve been gently nudging him for years:
not to drink so much, not to eat crap carbs,
to be more active… go for walks… something
the first night of my arrival i nearly cried
begging him to get in shape:
it was all about him dying
(what, with goat’s dad dying, and then rick…)
there is nothing i can do
and i don’t want to have to witness someone killing themselves like that
like the last two years
he just kept making excuses and procrastinations
it fired up in me my relationship with my father:
when His father died
i told him he’d better start taking care of himself
because if he learns nothing
and choses to die the same elongated painful way his father died
(years of strokes and heart attacks, beating his wife til she died, refusing to be put in a home, so dragging everyone’s life down)
— i would not be there to take care of him
isn’t it respectful of your friends not to make a mess for them to take care of?
if you don’t love yourself enough to take care of yourself
couldn’t you do it for your friends?
–That’s why i’m angry with him
and it’s become clear in the last week
that every suggestion i have for him to heal/take care of himself
he instantly rejects
as a matter of sovereignty
— the first words he ever spoke were
“Me wanna: me do. Me don’t: me won’t.”
so i can’t help him
and i don’t want to watch the psorasis break out all over his face and body
in ever increasing patterns
and i don’t want to have sex with him when his crotch smells like yeast
and i don’t want to sleep with him and share my life energy with him
when he just keeps wearing himself out and not re-generating his own
and i don’t want to spend time giving him oils and herbs to help heal him
or massage him and reiki him
if he’s not going to meet half way
am i a “brat” for being angry ?
–Grievinces
— he used to always say
” it doesn’t have to be this way ”
when he saw people manifesting strife and drama in their lives
last night, the line was different
he was saying ” that’s Real Life ”
—
he got really angry at me for wanting to do the things i wanted to do with him
he thought i should just do the things i do alone
and not ask hiim to do them if he doesn’t want to
(i thought of all the churches churches churches i went into in europe with him… sure it was a good experience… but did i Want to?)
he felt like i was bullying him by giving him reasons
that i should have just dropped it when he said he didn’t want to go
well i don’t want to live my life alone
the reason i would travel with someone
is to share the experience
if this is a part of saturn return
i’m certainly weeding this aspect of relationship out of my garden
—
we drove by countless places to top
it’s as if he wanted to drive up the coast soley for the view
like nature on the TV
every time i wanted to stop
walk on the beach
anything
he’d say he didn’t want to
i only did it once
the whole trip
just leaving him in the car
and rush-hiking to not keep him waiting too long
now there is an abyss between us
like some republican father and his renegade son
things that leo has been doing for years
– like recycling grocery bags
is now a point of contention
so, alright.
it’s over
can i last another week here ?
all of the christian stuff that was once just curious
now glares as signs of oppression
time for me to move out of pappa’s house

(cut contents added at 9, 11 and 16hrs on the 23rd)