exhaling in love

eating too much.
eli called and we talked
while i ate the poison cake
bought for $2.99
not full ov love
full of partially hyrdogenated oil
he talked about the difficulty of appreciating people
he’d called the night before to tell me he appreciated me
we talked about the importance of having friends, lovers
i told him i was working on a new project
a new relationship
i loved Leo so much
i wouldn’t make him my boyfriend
wouldn’t want to do something so terrible to him!
whereas eli was specifically working on having a boy friend
and his aires boy friend had just had a talk with him about how he was tired of being #2
to eli’s career… eli’s future as a film-maker
eli appreciated me for motivating him in the directions he needed to be motivated in
and i was telling him it was also important to have him as a lover and friend that was in my life so i wasn’t just living my life for myself
but for friends
he told me that’s what his boyfriend is for
and my brother says being in love with his girlfriend and having a child is how he does it…
Leo walked away while i was talking to Eli on the phone
Eli is an old love
comfortable and worn in
fights have streatched us and shaped us
made us fit and form to eachother in ways only time and use can…
there is a familiarity…
i know that often makes people Jealous…
today i worked on appreciating Leo
it made me even more critical of him
but so much more loving too
being able to voice my annoyances
and then
when i kept my tongue to myself
i would watch him
love him
and then notice that what i was going to say was un-important
not only because i was listening to erling wold’s opera “Queer” based on William Burrough’s novel and life
and heard Bill Lee ranting about wanting to control his lovers so he could get EXACTLY what he wanted
but because of the little things that Leo does that annoys me
his little hypocracies
his little negligence
compared against the “reasons” i love him
they are NOTHING
in perspective
he still has more integrity than most people
does love draw me too near?
watch the details too closely.. miss the man?
i remember all the others i have fallen in love with
become so close to them
i think of them as me
and of course they are:
all their decisions are going to affect me too
and damn it
i don’t want to get hurt by other’s mistakes…
but i don’t always make great choices for me
i guess i can let their mistakes be theirs
and just keep watching out for myself
the game of trust with attention and gaurd is strange
but i guess that’s the healthy way…
ReGaurdLess
i still feel not-sexual really
we started playing a bit today and i just wasn’t in the space for it
didn’t really like the smell
though the cock was good in mouth
i just didn’t want that
it’s more about cuddling right now
like
i think of going down to the city soon
Leo and i are going down for business
hopefully a few more massages, etc…
but i thought of my friend Robbie
and how i’d love to go spend the night with him
and though i thought about the sexy bit
the way we fit together
i know what i want from him sexually
he’s just not like that
— our relationship amazes me
and when i really listen to my feeling about him
what i love best
and what i really want
is just to go to his house and sleep with him
wrap up close to him
cuddle
and fall asleep in his chest…
see how the vines i planted at his house are doing…
i have a soft tired smile on my face right now
thinking of all my lovers and friends
and imagining forgiveness and love
i still wish i had a huge bed in a warm room
all of our bodies draped over eachother
dreaming together
breaths in a symphony
accompanying the night-winds
the breezes in the leaves of grass and trees
inspiring the birds
and the sunrise…