empty bed blues

to have and to hold
ahhh damn it
i’ve not had sex since i’ve been here
ya know
(well, i sucked Clem’s nipple on the path.. but that doesn’t really count)
i haven’t really had any clients either
today
i had a client
the very same guy who called me the day i was flying here
in the oakland airport
he’s a local
a guy who grew up here
lives in Hilo
so he drove down here
in his big SUV
his big body
he took his shirt off
pale [dark] skin
i’m not going to go into all of the details
(his thick calves, huge arms, round belly.. the purrfect fur all over…
the beautiful hulking shoulders, strands of hair… the big hands, thick caluses, thick pads, strength… his feet, like an ogre… a fantasy creature)
but i desperately made love to him
while working on him
caressing him
petting him
stretching him
feeling out every inch of him
working him up, bringing him back…
it was a good session
i think he was more of Straight guy
he was hard most of the time
so not that straight
but
just his way..
he was a construction worker
May 6th
i wanted him so bad
wanted him to cuddle with me
sleep with me
he’s gone now
and i’ve finished with dinner
and i’m back in my bed
and it’s the first time in a long time
i’ve got those empty-bed-blues
it’s painful
(i have absolutely no prospects… and now my appetite is whet. )
it wakes the hunger in me:
i want to be touched
to touch
to feel physical loving
especially from someone so beautiful…
in the morning
i will wake
and masturbate to the memory of him
feel mired in desire and want
a pang of guilt for feeling so desperate
for wanting so much
slightly tired
hard to start the day
from devoting so much of my heart to physical desire
…physical desire that has never given me what i imagine i crave from it
physical desire that gets me every time…