being up in the sky makes me feel empty
like i’m only composed of dirt when i’m really close to it
and when i’m soaring through the air
i’m just wind
i feel empty
maybe it’s just reading Robert Glück’s book “Denny Smith”
the short tryptich called “Three from Thirteen”
maybe it’s just being that age in that place he grew up (the suburbs in the Valley of southern california) back when he grew up
so empty
the line:
“… I can’t imagine a place for myself in the world, I hope the world imagines it for me.”
i feel angry
and empty
i feel judgemental
talking with Bob a few weeks ago
i felt like i was being sultry
as if i were trying to seduce him
but he didn’t want me for my physical beauty
he’d only want me for my brains
“… Medici wore pearls with amethyst…”
i want my best friend
i thought of Eli as i walked through Jackson Heights today
got a new cell phone
missed Eli
wanted to call him and just be his friend
and on the airplane
i wanted to land in Minneapolis and just talk with an old friend
wanted him to be waiting for me there at the gate
instead
i’m crammed on this plane
when i’ve gotten so used to JetBlue with no 2nd class
this airline does it’s best not to mention the hierarchy over the PA
but the word-play annoys me even more
and i’m looking across the aisle at the poor skinny girl with the clothes that make her look like a robot, studying Forensic Science, a million MtV stickers in her text-book, super-cool spray-paint-logo’d Chuck All-Star(fucker)s
i want to ask her if she feels bad that her life has been decided for her by Television
then started thinking about Robert
and all the bitchy cruel things he’s said to me in the last few years
the few words he’s said to me
so angry at me for leaving him
so angry at him for not being present to me
angry
empty
and being judgemental makes me fart
maybe i don’t really feel this way
maybe i’m just tired
maybe this is how it feels leaving the womb of New York City
my new home
while i’m in the air
nowhere…