elenor

there’s this boy i kind of know
it seems like a miracle
though this has happened My Whole Life
(voice of dominic speaking)
he went off to Norway
mercury in retrograde in cancer
for his birthday
he left
to … hike around north norway?
the weather is freezing up there
(or nearly)
which is good
coz it’s fucking boiling down here.
i met him through this guy who had gone to a faery gathering that someone showed me a picture who i thought was kinda hot so emailed him from this contact this guy gave to me to see if i could stay with him for carnival in cologne back in 2002
so i did
and he was a cancer too
he seemed lonely
the guy who had given me his contact seemed lonely
i remember eli saying
‘the smell of cat piss and lonely old men’
just
lonely.
it was all happenstance
and
random memory
i called him and he said i could stay with him
which is good
otherwise i would have kept sliding
rapidly losing my legs
i would have fallen over
and scraped off two thirds of my face
but i came to a stop in berlin instead.
oddly
he aslo uses
http://www.hospitalityclub.org/
though i did not meet him through there
but one of the guys i stayed with in london also used it
and he was lonely
lonely
by that i mean
little interraction with humans
so i percieved
cleaning lady
old friend for a show
TV
webcam
random people who come and stay
to fill up the space.
i have been one of the random people who come to fill up the space for a long time
(Jefry, with one F)
so i guess i’ve met a lot of lonely people
but i don’t usually think of them like that
i mean
that’s never been my judgement
i remember being surprised when Eli pointed that out
(as i was surprised by so many of the obvious things Eli pointed out)
… though it didn’t mean anything to me at the time
now i feel it.
even the last man i stayed with in London
he was pretty amazing
not lonely
but of course
lonely
i mean
he had hundreds of people in his life
they respected him and desired him for a myriad of reasons
yet there was this corner of his heart that never got touched
was freezing in the cold
lonely
all of us
lonely people
not entirely
lives full of TV and web cams and work we have to go to everday
or not
profiles and contact lists
or neighbors knocking at our doors
i’m shocked at the emails i get
constantly
from some shmoe or another who got my email address from somewhere
and joined the newest friendster or tribe or quechup or hi-five or sms.ac or manjam or whatever the fuck networking site
that advertizes to random people
“meet random people that will make you feel less lonely”
why do we
lonely people
need more lonely people?
we’re all alone here
and i don’t think the lonely people are going to be able to teach the other lonely people how to not be alone.
…
i’m talking about this because
PHEW
i’m alone right now.
lonely in a way
but not pining.
i can write to myself if i need expression.
someone may read this, the potential is the only important part… because there is really no communication in this
just presentation
a breath out so a new wind can come in.
[it is apparent: i am lonely because i cannot relate to people on this level. but i must… so i get myself.]
it’s strange
there are lusts and yearnings
but i actually am happy just Not to be with people for a while
that being said
i’ve been spending all this time on line being in some sort of community
reaching out
having one-sided interractions
(which i think is Normal, don’t you?)
reading stories, journals
looking at pictures
being obsessed with a group of musicians who don’t know i exist
but i occupy my psyche with them endlessly
and that’s because we resonate
so the messageboards i’m going to
filled with hundreds of people devoting inordinate amounts of time to variations on this theme
also resonate in a way
we connect through hub
we are lonely together: we don’t touch
we dance in front of eachother
we’re dancing by our selves, oh-ho…
in a world of people dancing by themselves?
to be looked at?
to sweat it out…
while cutting up the ginger
(hmmm, the house is now filled with the lovely curry smell of cooking)
i said to myself “This is Unacceptable”
… but then i realized
i’ve said this before
and
the immediacy of “unacceptable” fades
we find half-assed ways that work
and we keep on keeping on
til we hit another sliver
another edge
another cliff
another ground floor
and have to pick ourselves up
find our where-abouts
and proclaim
again
“NOT OK”
… i really don’t know what to do.
not being a teen-ager anymore
i do not have the luxury of ignorance that allows me to have a stance from which to draw a desperate self-assurance that gives me the illusion of knowing the answer to my problems
“IF only it were like THIS!”
my imagination fails me
the chess board is no longer two dimensional
there are either an infinite amount of pieces
or only one
and i don’t know how to play the game like this.
my hands are frozen.
which is good
coz i’m alone
and it’s fucking hot up here.
it’s all boiling over.