central station

days measured out in time with friends…
the day after my time with my friend in the forest
was a complete cloud
rain pouring down all day
it was really hard to get out of bed
and really hard to get out of the house
eventually
from frustration with myself
i decided to call chad’s friend Donald
whom i wanted to meet
but had forgotten in all my confoundment
he was just waking up
at about 5pm…
fair enough
it never looked like Day anyway…
so i procrastinated and took way too long
and then went out in the rain
and made my way there
it was great
like stepping back into that world of the kids…
as i described in my first day on IlhaBela
just a wonderful feeling of being with kindred
as i guess i was finding gay culture to be just too depressing …
conversation turned into something about food
and we decided i would cook
so i made some pasta and beef and blend of vegies and tomato sauce…
and a friend of his came over
and we all stayed up talking til at least four
that’s when i crashed
they probably talked longer…
he’s a writer, and i look forward to reading more of his stuff
when i get a good link for him, i will post it
in the mean time
check out this
http://www.zuvuya.net/
he’s lived round here in Rio for about 15 months
various jobs
various experiences
a little more mature than i
i was really admiring his style
as far as getting a great apartment and living in one place for a period of time… just to have the experience he needed to open to parts of himself…
we resonated strongly on some love and sex patterns
though he is hetero . . . ( i wouldn’t call him straight)
i woke the next day round noon ( i guess it was the day that the time changed? i don’t know when this happened.. it always confuses me )
and decided to meet the same guy i met my second day here to have some one-on-one play with him
meet at the beach, yeah? they maybe back to the apartment…
but i had to stop by the apartment first to get my swimming suit…
and he was already there!
having sex with Mario’s other guest…
(shakes head)
Rememeber: never rely on a man who is cheating on his spouse anyway
tsk tsk tsk
so i just went to lay in the sun and swim
which was great
and amazing
some of the waves nearly ripped me to pieces
i had to get out of the water at one point because i was getting repeatedly bowled under and driven into the sand..
feeling a little frustrated still
did some shopping
(which consisted of insane cramed aisles, a million frustrated people and long tedious lines… rush hour, i guess)
fell in love with the Nina Simone song “22nd Century”
and then made my way back to Donald’s (getting lost many times, OOPS)
the night was wonderful
as we were with a brazilian female friend of his who is moving to NYC soon
and she will fit there SO perfect
she and i got on great
.. she’d spend about 6 years of her young life in Ohio!
and never done Any drugs
and her parents own a big chain of health food stores here . . .
she’s a medical doctor for skin . . .
but has had psychic surgery here brazil
really cool, grounded, but very open and strong
we all went out for sushi
and when we got back Donald’s girlfriend was asleep on the bed (he had been awaiting her two days..) so we left them in peace and i came back to sleep to see my friend Huga again today..
we walked around the sleeping down town in the day time
often in cities i don’t need to DO anything
just enjoy the layout
architecture
and seeing the inhabitants running around doing things
today was similar
just drank lovely fruit juices
fresh squeezed sugar cane
walked down packed narrow streets of markets
with streamers of flags overhead
a million closed shops
then to the oldest Bank building in Rio
which is used as free art museum
which was odd
and one whole floor was Keith Harring and Andy Warhol polaroids…
it made me feel very Camp
and clandestine
as Hugo was reticent to kiss me on the streets
explaining we might get killed
(he had been mugged down here a month ago when he thought he was cruising)
but i felt it worth the risk
went into a long diatribe about being friends with death
and when death came to claim me
i would be at peace with it
then started talking about the nature of killing people
in the favelas here (the ghettos)
people kill eachother all the time as a common practice
simple
which i think is pretty balanced
in a place where life is concieved with as little thought
as it is then
ended
but to be tourist in that micro culture
if you were walking with a friend whos life was being threatened
would you kill the threat?
i did tae kwon do for three years when i was a kid
and he taught us simple ways to kill people right away
explaining
“if you are confident and aware of your power, it is rare that you will ever have to use it”
which i find to be true
people hardly ever bother me
coz if i feel threated
i wear an aura that says “fuck with me and you die”
which is unbelieveable for people who know me as being soft and loving
but it is certainly a part of me
never seen
but i believe it.
he told me this is a bad thing to say to someone right before they take you to a motel…
but the day was beautiful
and after last week being so filled with rain
i could not acquiess to being Inside…
and he didn’t want to keep walking
was afraid of the whole area
which i found depressing
( i mean, i had been filled with joy walking around with him
and we went into a shop to get a bottle of water
and everyone looked SO sad and miserable that i realized my happy smiling face would get me into trouble– everyone was looking — so i dimmed everything and dropped my face into the same misery they were all wearing to blend in… it felt TERRIBLE, but neccessary)
all of this percipitated me having to put my foot down.
this morning i decided not to masturbate til at least the new moon (about three weeks from now)
i feel i have been wasting my energy and it is making me feel bad
“so STOP hurting yourself, dork! and COMMIT TO IT!”
so that extended to more than one area
i broke out into a long explination
and he understood
(this kid is great, i love him)
so we started walking
and found the floats (translated as the “alegory cars”)
for the Champions Parade… the last parade of Carnival
the winners of all the Samba schools
this brought up my desires to actually SEE some of the Carnival
not only as a pice of culture
but because i feel all the dirtiness, fear, trash and dilapidation in these cites are from such a lack of love
(he explains ” we’re just poor” which hurt my heart)
and the carnival is something they REALLY LOVE
(at this point both of us are so raw that just saying this makes us smile and almost brings us to tears)
we look at all the floats..
sit down and talk
play games with the little ghetto youth who are on some sort of fume inhalent drugs and filled with scars
i give them a little change and insist they share
as friends…
they tell me they are NOT friends.
Ok.
night falls
and we walk over to where all the festivities are happening
i have not had any alcohol for about a month now
and my friend follows very similar guide-lines that i do
that is
he only really takes any inebriations of any kind
if he is sharing them with a friend
and because i have not been drinking
(for João de Deus)
he didn’t either
and i find it so funny to be around large groups of drunk people when sober…
i was enjoying it all
from a tourist perspective
streets packed with people
food vendors
music
costumes
til my friend all of a sudden opens up with all this stuff he hadn’t told me about his dad
and his own feelings about sex and . . .
it was so strange
that feeling that reality suddenly snaps into focus
he was in the middle of his story when i had to stop him
we were surrounded by tons of people
noise
lights
i had to get out of there
we wandered around a bit
he said ” i thought you wanted to stay and see the parade? ”
i told him
‘ i have to fake it to care.. i just like seeing how different people live.. i have lost the desire now, there are more important things to do.. my desire was completely anthropological.. but my passion is for this…”
we then decided on going to the hotel
and though it started sexy
i reminded him to get back to the story
and then expressed myself in turn
it felt like i was on drugs
the back-ground colours and patterns shifting and wavering…
but just being honest and direct
then we had some nice cuddly, but passionate, sex
not fucking
but it was heart-opening
and for the first time in a while
i felt loving
and i was so greatful
i said ” i love you ” a few times
and it just seemed to make reality gel.
he wants me to stay here
and i understand that…
and that friend of Donald could possible get me a job
but i am over-poweringly being called back to america
i think i will return in a few weeks..
which is funny
because yesterday i was almost sure i was going to Costa Rica for the rainbow gathering
doors opened up
guy said “oh, you look hot, why don’t you come here and help me on my horse farm.. and maybe we’d like to have sex too”
and another offered his house to crash
both americans living there
and bridget is there now
i am sure i would find her…
but i don’t know
as i always say
the future will tell the tale…
a few days ago, even
i thought i would be going to Salvador
a smaller, older, poorer city north of here
i had two contacts that had said they wanted to meet me
so i wrote them and asked them if i could stay with them
but both of them replied that they lived with their mothers (though they were in their 50’s.. like in italy, you know…)
so i nixed that…
and though i would love to head south and see the Iguazu falls..
i actually feel it would be better to do with a travelling companion
seeing beautiful things in the world alone just isn’t so great.
love is so much more when it is shared.
so
a few more days in brazil
and then?
i feel i will be back on the mountain top with Leo by april
but who am i to know the future?