I met up with Jorge today to see the film “Into the wild”
it was, in part, an acid trip for me
like those i always have
correlating all experiences into metaphors
parables
anyway
i’ve done all that before
and can only say i’m grateful for having come to this conclusion
before committing to my own death
so happy now to have a friend i can share my happiness with
love, so they call it
better fitting than any other old shoe this old sock has been in…
so
with that happiness
comes the light
and even last night i felt the edge of immense responsibilty sharpening again
every action = the fate of the nation (which is now the whole world, which always has been..)
now
no longer solipsistic
more refractory
still
just as important
aye, i guess i’m admitting to it
— i’ve re-entered the building
how’s the game going?
another good quote from the film:
“when you forgive… you love.
When you Love, God’s light shines upon you”
(clouds part)
.
.
.
Generally
people use the term “disillusioned” in a negative context
“i used to really love him, but after i saw how he behaved at that party i’m completely disillusioned and gave him back his varsity jacket”
or
“i really thought Bush was going to get in there and liberate those terrible muslims so we could get cheaper oil… but at about year 5 in the war i became disillusioned with the whole thing… do you think our next president will be able to secure the health and welfare of my Hummer?”
however, most people use many words incorrectly
When someone is disillusioned of you
it is a good thing
because they weren’t seeing you
they were seeing a fantasy
and they were believing that fantasy
and living with it
when they become disillusioned
something has happened that has broken that fantasy
it’s nice to believe that you had something to do with this occurrence
however
many illusioned people will never really see you anyway
so who knows if you did or not?
it’s nice to believe that that person now sees you for who you really are
past their illusions
to the truth of your being
but that is also hopeful
still
the point i am making is
if someone tells you they are disillusioned of/with you
do not be saddened nor disappointed
sure, it might suck that a game you’ve been playing has come to an end
and you may have to face something you’ve been able to get away with or slide by
on account of an apparition guarding you from sight
but on the bright side
you don’t have to play that role, which wasn’t you anyway, anymore
and you can relax a bit
and be closer to being yourself
in fact
with others become disillusioned about you
it gives you a chance to be less illusioned with yourself as well
and more in integrity
*clink*
here’s for good luck in our next attempt!
“Glad you’re settling in a place you are happy. I need to slow down myself! I set up my lifestyle in a period of wanderlust which lasted about 18 years and now that it’s not really what i want it is hard to change it! ”
a friend sent me this in a message
and it’s exactly how i felt..
even how i feel!
it’s been a few years of grinding my heels in the dirt
pulling on the horses reins
lettind the tension out of the sails
… all these rigs i had
of course
that style of living did so many things for me
like an organ
it nourished me and cleansed me
so i’m facing substatial difficulties in all this stillness and STUFF
still, yes, i’m happy
i’m happy to be here
to have my own place
have friends i see continually
all the treasures the grounded take for granted
it is worth the greatest effort.
while moving a table on Friday
i dropped my phone outside my house
someone used it to call the Dominican Republic
and used up the last few dollars (about 6) before the automatic recharge
which i have shut off…
but now i cannot be reached on phone
until i buy a new one
anyone got a spare phone laying around that will work on AT&T?
(Pretty much anything that will accept SIM cards)
or, maybe it’s just time to get an iPhone?
i often carry empty plastic bags in my pockets
i learned this in germany… where they actually charge you more money to give you disposable bags in any store
in NYC
whenever i buy any prepared foods
they give me about 10 napkins each
even though i am beardy
i generally use only one or two
i save the rest
and use them as papertowels in my apartment
(or, perhaps, if i were shitting in the woods)
i re-use cardboard shipping boxes for futon-softeners
or to take my groceries in from the local health-food store (i learned this in SF)
these are some of the tiny things i do in my life to make me feel less like screaming in this insane consumer culture.
i have a new friend
he works in advertising.
he translates ads and writes stories for some company that produce Women’s Magazines for our whole nation
or, for the Spanish Speaking aspect of our Nation
he keeps telling me that’s he’s writing stories about how i live my recyling
and make my own labneh from my kefir cultured milk
Recommending the women readers to Try This At Home
so
somehow
by being witnessed
i’m now affecting hundreds of well-meaning ladies around the country
just by impressing one person
i love this guy.
he’s pretty impressive to me.
and he likes this whole Live Journal thing
so he created his own as well
it’s been over a month
so there’s some stuff there to read
—-Beings and Beasts who read my journal
i now present you:
my friend Jorge, or
astromante magic star
i’ve been having lots of sex
and yoga
eating lots of gooey food
and constantly turning down the smoking bowl
saw Abbey’s “Sylvia — the Goat” last night with Goat
and it was traumatizing
what’s with all these plays steeped in mis-understanding and violence?
the ghosts of two of my most absent lovers ( R & N ) are haunting me all over the mountain
yet another relationship for the two of them
their ghosts
their noses
their mouths
fuckers
why can’t love just work?
and i’m back in Goat’s shop right now
intending to be working on my photo project
… but have just been fucking around for the last few hours
NOW!
it’s time to get to work.
i’m at JFK
been waiting a few hours coz of air traffic problems
i’m leaving town
for Tennessee
but it’s all about finding home
i’m going to get my STUFF
and bring it back up..
… coz “sometimes you have to go a long way out of the way, so you can come back a short distance correctly”
i’ll be back in NYC on the 8th
but then leaving again on the 10th for Bermuda.
back in my brand new apartment on the 17th
and
Living there.
so, the night before i left town
i’d been painting the golden moldings in my apartment for hours
and was asphyxiating from the fumes
Jorge and i went out for a walk
i forced him a rushed way
being a total control freak
and feeling on edge
all the stuff i wanted to do
not enough time
and TIRED!
(and high from pain fumes)
we went to eat at Albert’s Mofongo House on Dykeman street
and had some beer
which
all in all
fresh air and food and beer
i was much more relaxed on the walk back…
which is beautiful:
we can walk through the bottom part of Tryon Park
green and lush and woodsy
people in the park..
those Latins… they’re always Loitering..
being people in public!
Jorge started singing “Thriller”
and it lead into some frank and vulgar conversation
where my teen-age voice spoke up and talked about
meaningless pop music
he said
“what do you mean by ‘meaningless’? ”
‘ you know, ‘ i said, ‘ all those songs about nothing else but dancing and having a good time ‘
he replied, ” Dancing and having a good time has been a fundamental part of human existance far before society even existed… i’d hardly call that ‘ Meaningless’ ”
which struck me:
i’ve ALWAYS held that viewpoint
and some disdain for music like that
since i’ve been a conscious adult (like, age 13, you know?)
and this is the FIRST TIME anyone has ever replied like that
which razed all of my crap judgmental emotions
with simple sound logic
Amazingly
Jorge has played me tons of music (he’s given me a mix CD almost ever week i’ve known him)
that i would usually hate or just find dreadful and boring
but i love it
he’s an Emissary from the world of Humanity
People Dancing and having a good time
Living
not that he’s a big old disco queen
he doesn’t go out dancing all the time
but he loves he when he does..
our conversation tested its weight when i looked up the lyrics to “Thriller”
wondering what the fuck that song was about anyway…
and still didn’t get it
he said
“it’s about duality, what we always want and are afraid of and what we’re offering and what we’re threatening”
(ok, true, he didn’t say it all like that, that’s my interpretation)
It destroys the horizon of my tiny little world
to understand that all of the fluff pop i’ve relegated to “Crap”
also has the voice of eternity in it too
probably even Britteny Spears
and Ignacio Iglacia
and the rest of that producer-driven drivel
doesn’t mean i have to listen to it though
such opportunities for an open heart flavoured with love…
another tedious conversation
monologue
listening to the old man..
i wish they’d come soon so i could leave
he just rattles on
rattles on non-sense
“i should like to go shopping…
i should like to go to a department store…
… a shoe store…
… a book store…
… a cigar store…
i should like to see how much is this
how much is this?
do you have it in white? black? red? green? yellow?
do you have something larger? smaller?
could i try this on?
this is too expensive!
sale! bargin sale!
i like this one!
may i try this one on?
sale… bargin sale
.. it does not fit!
i shall take it with me
— send it to the hotel
how much is the postage?
can you direct me to the post office?
where can i get some stamps?
what is the local postage here?
what is the local postage?
what is the Air mail postage to the u.s.a?
…to the U.S.A.
i want to send this package
i want it insured
i want it insured!
here is my address
here is the address.”
the woman who is often around here says all of these things used to mean something
but it sounds so desperate when he says it
babble
she tells me there used to be endless houses filled with things that people could come and take..
just come and take…
all sorts of things
things to put in your mouth
things to put on your feet, head… all over your body
through your body
she said you had to give all your time to other people in other houses (often very big ones… i can’t understand the concept of how large these houses are… she tells me there were a hundred houses stacked on top of eachother… everywhere… why so many? were there so many people? she says there must have been)
and these people in these houses would give you tickets to get these things from these other people in other houses
then you’d just throw them away
and go get more
it sounds so stupid
and this old man is obviously crazy
and what is the “you ess aye”?
i wish they’d come so i could leave
it’s raining
and i like the feel of the mud on my feet
(quoted text taken from “big lake” by Corey Dargel… see it here: http://www.automaticheartbreak.com/videos.html )
Recent Comments