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i used to do this
but can i now?
even before going to sleep…

guy in cap:
he talked about worshiping the cock and kept spouting words like “pissy jock” and “man smells” as if they were somehow landmarks. – i burbled over with him.
then tony:
just to sit next to and talk, pet, massage. italian married guy. “best to keep things that happen here in here, i don’t take contact info from people anymore” — he had a mild fever.
saw marty:
who lost 100lbs or something. but is very happy with himself. poignance: a Bear is a Type. removing his “type” he became a guy… another type appeared, perhaps one that was always there but was not just more prominent.
i think i’m forgetting someone…
but then there was Spike:
who i already wrote about, and he had a guy in the room with him who was only cursorily there.
after that, some guy touched me, but didn’t want to be touched, spoken to, or paid attention to.
then a very fat guy with a bad hairpiece beckoned me into his room:
i went in for probably three minutes. rubbed him while he mouthed me.
then the japanese banker:
i walked into his room: he had been sitting there working his dick for an hour or more. fat little guy. i closed the door behind me and watched him a bit. i decided to suck it. no words. he let me and i did for a long time. half hour? more? he didn’t cum. really amazing connection. i kept thinking “is this what having sex with a Japanese man is like? a Japanese Banker? wow…” his legs pressing along my body as i lay on my belly, rubbing him. — he really didn’t like my hair, though. told me i should style it.
then Erik:
a beautiful cute visitor from Sweden. i entered the room, closed the door. sat just like him with my back against the wall, working myself. watching eachother. i placed the sole of my foot against his. then massaged down my leg, up his. and sucked his cock in a gentle connecting way til he came. we hugged. talked a bit. hugged. a sweet connection.
then i saw Michael:
i’ve only ever seen him here. he’s very big and very furry and very jewish and very lovely.
we kissed and cuddled and played and i came with him
then showered: met the VA guy in the shower
went to the sauna:
met larry in there:
who’d i’d met at Bruin Buddies years ago — he now lives in Rome… he came back to visit to Vote. (kinda) went to his room to play with him. the most amazing big balls Ever. (though i still dream of BAZ’s…) exchanged contact info.
and ran into the guy from virginia
so took him back to my room and massaged him a bit
did yoga bending cock-sucking with him. neither of us came but i thought he was REALLY HOT.
went back to the shower. then sauna.
saw some guy who reminded me of ZG in his tension, un-common attractiveness and…
i took him to my room. he did have a dick like i imagined, though not as great as ZG’s. but it was fun to play with him.. he was so tense/nervous that it wasn’t really so fun. neither of us came.
i think this is when i went into my room to rest?
some guy walks in, not entirely hot, starts sucking my dick. i rub against his with the bottom of my foot. he cums after a while. we’re both surprised. he was born in Amsterdam. uncut. calls himself “Bil” here, but that’s not what he was born as.
then the old guy came in.
very old looking. but with dark hair. dyed? he was touching me. then this other kinda annoying guy pushed in. i’d played with him before, months ago… jewish i think, pushy bottom., scared the old guy off. he was so excited to touch me, i sucked his dick a second and he came “you’re too hot!” he said. left. the old guy came back and said “i’m so close” stuck his dick in my mouth and came.
i lay down to rest.
turned on my belly: first time in my life trying this: get a room, lay on belly with door open
in a minute some black guy walks in… he talks constantly and asks if i’m OK with black guys. i tell him i’m ok with anycolor if i want to have sex with them.. he says he wants to look into my eyes when he sperms me… while talking about making love and i am just really not feeling it with him and he literally pushes his way in. i tell him NO and he grabs lube and starts slathering it on my ass so i stand up and say “you who cannot hear me say NO will now hear me say NO and you will Go. Now.” and he did.
i went to the bathroom and took a shit. shower. was polite to a cute bearish guy from seattle. said “we must always be gracious to the cute” – told him to move my towel onto one hook: shower room was full.
i went back to the sauna to do my ending yoga set.
this is when i talked with/kissed the french boy. right?
then sat up on the top shelf
some old guy got in and looked at me like he was angry
i did bridge and plow and that binding thing on both sides, decided i should go
i looked at him and nodded
he said “thank you”

i guess i can.
i remembered them all and could recount it in sordid detail

do i really need to be doing this?

something so wonderful about all the flesh
but i know from past experience
i will feel sore and burnt out in the morning

i’m drinking lime-water and doing Iyengar tomorrow. we’ll see.

also took a great shower with my new plant i picked up off the street (fuck, mites, hope i killed them all. will it survive?) and the new black-seed soap i bought from the indian grocery soap: Made in Brooklyn, baby.

i should be sleeping.

My mother’s mother’s father was named Spike

that wasn’t his Name
but that’s what she called him.

quite a few years ago i met this guy named Spike on the silverdaddies.com
he lived in San Diego
a place i have never spent time.
“met” online. so
just chatted a bit

i loved his face picture
— for the sake of this story we’ll say he is what made me start collecting face pictures from that site (though i doubt that is true)

tonight
at the sauna
i saw some guy i thought was hot
he didn’t seem interested
later
i saw him again
this time talking loudly to someone
in an over-ly animated way not often found in places like this

i stood outside the door as they touched eachother
they looked at me and i asked if i could come in
they conceded

much touching then happened
blah blah blah

“i’m a capricorn!”
blah blah
“i’m not from here, i’m from San Diego”

oh really, it clicked
i said
“and is your name Spike?”

oddly
years later
i pulled his name instantly out of my head

i am grateful for such things
and
i even told him about my great-grandfather (who i never met)
maybe that’s why it stuck.

he happened to have the exact same Capricorn birthday
as my current Capricorn friend who introduced me their tribe in actuality.
actualities. (CLAR!)

and he said i had the exact same Gemini birthday as an X of his

though then we both admitted to eachother that we’d never had real partners
really.

his friend died of a heart attack right next to him in the passenger’s seat while he was driving
or was that someone else?

didn’t he say he was afraid of gemini’s?

i told him i’m still afraid of Aries
he has an aries rising
(as well, i just realized)

Freaky!

he had a beautiful smile
a magnificent organ
and he felt very good to touch.

in 1997
Underworld put out promos for their forthcoming album: Beaucoup Fish
a guy i vaguely knew from my home town was living in LA and working for an electronic music magazine
so got a promo of it
… on cassette

i copied it onto my mini-disc player

the transfer was less-than-perfect
at the time i didn’t realize
but when the album came out and i heard the official songs
i was a bit disappointing
the tape-speed had been fucked up somehow (remember problems like that?)
so my recording had everything Slightly Slow…

i liked the album better that way
still, i eventually learned to love the CD release
… however
one thing i’ve never let go of
is how the song “Shudder / King of Snake” segues into “Winjer”
on the cassette
it was listed as
“Shudder / King of Snake: Winter”
i’d always been confused about the winter thing
when the album came out, it made more sense: Winjer

big difference is
on the album
they break the song in two
on the cassette
they flowed into eachother
as if just different movements of the same song

i think the segue on the album just sounds clumsy and dumb
but that’s only because i heard the way it was originally intended

i suppose they changed their mind when they decided KOS was going to be a single
and wanted to make it easier for DJs to mix?
i dunno
but it pisses me off

and this is what i’m getting at

i’m pretty good at finding shit on the internet
but i haven’t found it yet

does anyone have a file of that original version of King of Snake flowing into Winjer?

just a call out into kaos

thanks.

when i was doing the side-extending standing pose in the sauna
having a conversation with the boy from Paris
he got too hot
and had to catch a bus back to montreal

though he was very shy
he wasn’t like the little “asian” man who kept grabbing people’s crotches
he put his lips to my lips
and kissed me fully

for minutes

a real kiss
exploring, tasting, meeting.

perhaps the french really are romantic in a way i’ve never understood before.

djmrswhite

if you haven’t read him
you should right now

it’s about the marriage shit
faggots are different when they marry
and i don’t care about marriage
but i do care about family
so i guess, all of a sudden, i care about marriage
and i’m pretty sick of our silly little back-wards 3-world nation
that still passes amendments to discriminate

how gay is that?

oh, go read dave now

it’s HERE!
djmrswhite

i’ve been realizing over and over
that my “spirituality” is getting more and more communicable
as i write
it becomes more clear to me

can i write to show that progression?

someone asked me, recently, i if i were an Agnostic
i said definitely NOT
because i know for certain that God exists
well, in fact, many gods
and even more so
Eternity
i feel it intimately

but
upon further reflection
the aspect of spirituality that seems to nourish my life most
is that of mystery
which means Questioning

so then
at the heart of my God
there is a question

Nothing can be understood without incorporating God
or Eternity
that which IS all, but is also Beyond All
but in that understanding there is always the hole.
the slip-knot
something that, if looked into deeply
goes on infinitely
in a way i certainly can never fully comprehend

so in every equation there is an n … or a π
a “God-shaped hole”

does a Religion set up like an Algebra set qualify as Agnosticism?

Yesterday i sent my friend Leo off on a bus to the Newark Airport
— he was flying to Munich

as is often the case with a house guest
i felt more drained than nourished by him
more used than appreciated

though both/all traits were there.

in my time alone the night before
— as i had got a throat infection, so i was resting
i, of course, turned to all the things i wanted to accomplish
and
instead
devoted my energy to meeting people on the internet
through silverdaddies.com and craigslist

that last thing i need to do is cultivate more meetings
yet it is the most common habit for me

i posted an ad… or three
and got a few responses from each
one of them was you, Michael
who lived near my friends i teach yoga with in brooklyn

one of them was a response to an ad (one of the many) i responded to
… someone offering to give a massage
simply because he wanted to

after leaving Leo in the bus at Port Authority
i walked down 8th avenue
and called the acupuncture clinic i work at
to see if Fred was there so i could get a session from him
— no
i left a message there and at his house
and decided to go into a DVD store
— my throat was sore, so i couldn’t really interract in those dark booths
but i thought being around that energy might… be good for me somehow

there is only so much sexual stimulation one can have alone with a
computer that is good for one
but if one is so driven…
perhaps it is better to have that ravenous compulsive desire among
others that share it?

there were no booths in this store
so i wandered around looking at the DVD covers
and the men flipping through the stock

not really connecting with any of them

finding most of the DVDs freakish
being WOWed by the content
the whole scenario…

i walked out rather quickly
shrugging, having experienced whatever it was.

there was a door that led directly down the subway tunnel to the gates
to the train
i was heading down town.

i switched from the C to the F at W 4th
intending to get off at 2nd Ave

i stood by the exit door
and among the full seats
was a little man with a ruined nose
perhaps from too much drinking
a bit hunched over
shaved head
white mustache

he kept looking at me
i made eye contact
nodded
he kept looking
i felt it
so i put my hand in my pocket
and fiddled with my camera
making it obvious that i was rubbing my shaft with the edge of the sony

his eyes got slightly larger (tiny anyway)
and his hand immediately grabbed his crotch

i smiled
and walked over to him

his first words were
“i’d like to feel your stache around the base of my cock”
i said “that’s cool, where do you live?”
he said
“Park Slope”
and i thought about that…
do i want to go to park slope? or get a massage…
he said something else
i noticed his teeth were all fucked up
crooked
and many missing

oh, i knew this guy…

“you’re name is Mike, isn’t it? we’ve met before”
i told him

we could hardly hear eachother, trying to be somewhat hushed with all
the people around (women on all sides)
so he stood up and we walked over to the door, limping on his lame
foot, with a feeble hand clutching at his possessions
he said he remembered me a bit but i looked different
yes, that was years ago
(and i never want to repeat it, thanks)

so i explained my sore throat
and how i would be a useless cocksucker right now anyway
and how i really felt drained and would like to take this opportunity
to be nourished

by that point
i had missed my stop
got off at E Broadway
and waited for the next train back up town

walking to the middle of the platform
i passed a hot looking guy
looked a bit like a thug
over-sized jacket, ball cap, wide stance, pencil-shaved goatee
i wondered if that was the Michael who responded to my ad… could he be?
we made eye contact as i passed
i stopped and turned around and looked

a few seconds passed
i stood
he turned and glanced
so i walked back

he asked me if i’d voted
i told him i hadn’t

he explained he hadn’t either…
he just didn’t know who he wanted to vote for

i explained that i’d never voted
it’s never seemed like my arena
i don’t trust politicians at all
however, on a superficial level, i would love America to have a Black President
“but, are you Michael? who i talked with yesterday on line?”
No… my name’s Bruno, and you?
“i’m Dominic”
both very strong names: Bruno. Dominic.

the F train came and we got on it

“yeah, i know you from the internet. i’m sure. we talked last year…
or two years ago. we were going to exchange massages or something”
yeah? that’s funny, that’s what i do: massages
“yeah, me too: that’s why we were going to trade… wasn’t your handle
something like “9×6″ or something?”
yeah..
“i have to get off at the next stop, what’s your email address, i’ll
send you my contact info from my phone”

i got off the train at 2nd Ave and walked up 2nd Ave to 3rd street,
calling the massage guy… leaving a message
walking up to 6th, east to 1st, down to the Indian grocery store
to buy a stick of Neem: i knew it would be good for my throat
some Fentiman’s ginger beer, some cocoa beans; some black-seed soap

massage guy called back, Edgar
he told me his address
so i walked there

very interesting
a small apartment filled with books, but in a condensed/organized/orderly way

i got naked, he remained clothed
he massaged me for an hour and a half, perhaps

we talked.
he teaches Feldenkrist
which keeps coming up
he said
“if you’re teaching yoga you should focus more on teaching breathing
and how people move with their breathing”
of course… it seemed so correct

he showed me some books i should read
what was the name of that incredibly important poet he told me to look into?

i jotted some of the indian book titles down

he’d been born in Jerusalem
had many books in Hebrew
looked more indian… or arabic
had a pakistani holy man in picture on his wall
and a strange painting of a forest that could have had a unicorn,
angel or monster at its center

he cut up two apples and we ate them

i thanked him profusely and said i would give him a massage sometime

i sent a txt message to jorge asking him if he’d eaten yet
and an email telling him he had to demand respect, give it and earn it.
as do we all

i walked back to 6th street
and stopped at the Taj, because they had live music
the man playing the Sitar had on a green turban, long white (what’s
that garb called?)
big eyes, long dark beard with grey at the tip
beautiful beautiful beautiful

i sat and listened to them
had a marsala tea
mushroom saag
and a paratha

i felt blessed

Jim called me and told me he wanted private yoga classes with me
as Larry had a few days before

i guess i’m becoming a yoga teacher

jorge called
and i told him to meet me at 2nd and Houston
i walked down and talked with Jim til Jorge walked up
then we talked a while and walked down to 1st ave
telling stories

i told him about the meetings on the subway
a rather drunk jamaican man/boy asked for some money for food
i only had three ones left and gave them to him
we talked about obama, hoping he would win and not get killed
and how this country could use some riots
he told us to get our guns ready

i told him to make sure he bought some food with that money

kissed jorge goodnight
and got on the train to come home

i didn’t sleep as early as i could
a slave to my nafs
but today, after a massage
i got out of the house more on time than usual
heading to teach yoga in brooklyn
david called to tell me jorge and michael would be late
i said i was on my way anyway
and would like a sauna

the train was slow
but on the platform at Jay street, waiting for the F
i ran into Larry, a round man who is quite gentle
though comes across on line as quite piggy

we talked a while about
the weather? the government?
the gay republican i’d talked with the day before who was afraid Obama
was going to tax the fuck out of him?

i seem to be having luck with running into people on the train

even the people i’ve been meeting on line seem a bit more deeply interesting

Yacov wrote me today, and i responded
just sending blessings and trying to stay out of his way

on the walk to D&M’s
i stopped at the book store to see if i could find any of those yoga books,
No
but i bought a book that seemed to jump out at me called
“Dreams of Being Eaten Alive”: a different way of understanding the Kaballah

ah.

Jorge arrived shortly after i did at D&M, around 7pm
Michael didn’t arrive til 10pm, i think
he said the stock market didn’t seem particularly happy that Obama had won

in those three hours
we smoked
sweat in the sauna
i gave them, and myself, some of my massage oil
and we massaged ourselves
they left
i did some yoga in the heat
came down
chatted
massaged and brushed David’s hair
shared my Neem stick with them
did some fun chi-gung/reiki/energy manipulation with David, Jorge..
everyone i love
everyone.

and just random yoga on the floor

it was very good: i think i’m finally learning mountain pose, wow.

dinner was amazing
hearty beef stew
i am so grateful

just got home and had to write.

already 1:15.

Meetings on the train

Religeon of mystery

What happened with Leo
New moon: a well-establisted disappointing habit

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My friend Marcel is in this movie…
Come see it!
Want to come as a group?

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I forgot to mention over here:
My Friend Leo is here for a week!
( I’ve been stuck in Facebook and forgetting my standards )

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purple scarf thing from Trevor, strange paisley purple/green shawl
thing found on the ground at SMS, purple American Apparel vest-shirt
from Jorge, half of a green-dyed sheep’s skin as a skirt, boots i
found in the old house in vermont last year. . .

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i had a good time taking pictures this weekend
here is one of my friend David… but now i must sleep!