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Why should I fulfil his dreams when he’s not fulfilling mine

Yes
Everything
In any amount
But especially large ones

I know there are many stages to living
One stairway
One landing

Another

This one is this
This one that

You must live through this to become that

You can do it together or alone

You can do it in divinity or eternity

You can do it in pieces
Or whole

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And Jesus too

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oh, pretty well
i’m sorry i’ve not talked with you much lately
… i was having dinner with a friend last night and made some comment to him about how grateful i was for him listening to me
“what, now that even my journal isn’t talking to me anymore”

some really wonderful creative experiences have been presenting themselves lately
various photo shoots
some art project, some paying magazine thing… and a friend’s music video
plus, i’m going to be doing a performance piece on the 17th at a gallery in soho
it’s all very exciting

of course
i had a house guest this weekend i wasn’t expecting
it made it hard to get to sleep
not like i need any help with that
— last night he gave me some HIV meds as recreational drugs
(interesting experience, but i was shitting all day)
and the night before he participated in making my crumbling relationship with my b___ friend even more tenuous by giving me a reason to be even more angry with him
… when i was describing that relationship to my friend last night over dinner
his face looked horrified at some of the things i said

i, being a bit of a monster, spent another hour on the phone giving my brother advice to learn how to love the un-lovable (my father)
he telling me how horrified his wife is in interacting with my dad: she’s never met such a horrible person in her whole life
.. i tried to convince him there were 150,000,000 men like him in america
(i should know, i’ve had sex with nearly all of them)

oh, and yesterday, just before the photoshoot started
my kitchen collapsed
all of my corning wear
and half of my vintage fiesta wear
came crashing to the ground
glass shards everywhere
blood running down my legs

a great way to start a photoshoot, though
blood is so beautiful

just finished cleaning the kitchen and am heading to sleep now
gotta be up early for the shoot out in brooklyn tomorrow

thanks for checking in, journal

i’ll try to be a better friend.

Some editorial
( in a fashion magazine )
About
With the decline of the economy
People are turning to religeon

My economist friend retorts:
”
of course!
When people have no money and can no longer buy things
They’ll say ‘ oh, we don’t like those things of the material world… The spiritual is so much better…’
! people are so predictable!
”

I laughed
We all did
But on the train ride home
I had to think of the men I’m attracted to
–materialists all
More sensualists than horders
(though it is the horders who are more likely to attempt to horde me)

And how I’ve always been a bit repulsed by the men who try and turn me on with “spirituality”

Maybe for that reason
Not the love of the devine
But for the same reason homeless people are always talking about God
: they’re losers in that realm and try a slight of hand in the etherial realm where things might not be so apparent

But it is, Blanch… It is

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iForgot how coffee makes it impossible to sleep

But iDid have a lovely evening

(shocked as shit no one blogged it)

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Sent from an iPhone

Many people
I feel like it’s an energy leak

When I get very familiar with someone
I get too open with them

When we lie with eachother in the dark
I feel wherever they touch me is like an energy leak

As if all the energy in me is only there through facilitated diffusion
And if I let myself leak while sleeping
I won’t automatically replenish
Not enough energy will just flow through me
I will wake up exhausted

I figure it’s just because I’ve always worked to compacit my energy… And most don’t
So naturally
Through homeostasis
I get drained with most people

Of course
I must be wrong…
There are some…
But I don’t know

Sent from an iPhone