watched The Road followed by Mary & Max.
emotionally overwhelmed. I fill up so easily.
(empty out similarily)
I’ve always imagined myself small… a client today said I was bigger than my pictures make me look.
I wrote this this morning to someone inquiring advice about seasonal depression
and I’ve been feeling I need to return to witnessing my life more
here’s a start:
I saw your post this morning and thought I’d chime in my 2-cents:
I don’t think travelin to the tropics helps terribly
because the boost you get from the sunlight will wear off in about a week
and make you that much more axious for winter to be over in Your Real Life
I just had it pretty heavy for a month
and knowing is half the battle
when I realized what was going on I decided to shock myself out of the malaise
I made breakfast for a week with marijuana butter
I almost never engage that plant on my own
and it is mostly smoked
but eating it makes the experience slow, gentle and more body integrated
it was great so long as I didn’t have to go out be among crowds
my Chinese medicine pals says it releases stuck liver yang chi
(anger, frustration, pushing)
and allows more creativity to flow
I also moved my furniture around
which broke up the stuck energy in my apt and got me moving again
I’ve been maintaining by doing some yoga/pushups every day
things we’re very quiet during my month of SAD
since I actively broke it up
I’ve had appointsments Every Day
for two weeks now!
but I’m very tired
winter is a good time to Rest
give yourself the chance for sleeping, introspection and recovery:
hibernation
but if you’re feeling everything is a stagnant syrupy mess
move it around and see if it gets your life flowing again
the same magic doesn’t work for everybody
but you’ll know something that will open the locks
.iP
I slept with a friend last night
who must fly home soon
to serve as a witness in his sister’s divorce trial
“Yes, it’s true that their love is no longer valid. Yes it’s true he does not deserve her love anymore. Yes, it’s true she deserves to be free of this weight. Sorry love doesn’t always work out.”
My Mother and Father met this friend, his sister and that husband
my mother and friend and sister got on great
the two husbands only talked with eachother and were two peas in a pod…
I’d been talking with my friend about my trip to Ireland
and other family shit… er, interractions
and my desire to return to Ireland
I even sent out emails to someone there about renting a house…
so in sleep
I was living with Brother, Sister, Mother, Father
came home
Dad told us all he’d sold the house and we had to be out tomorrow
we found an apartment in London and packed up.. moved as a family
somehow
in the first day
my parents had a fight and my mom decided to have a divorce
so we found another apartment for her elsewhere
Sister and I moved in with mother
brother stayed with father
I remember coming home from Dinner that night and my brother lighting a cigarette on the tube
(the friend I slept with smokes like a…)
and a woman told my broth he had to put it out or get off
he got off at the next stop
back at my dad’s
I was packing the rest of my stuff
and found
in my Inventory (like a video game)
a bottle of Mood Poisoning
I wondered why I thought that important enough to bring with me
a little man moved around in the screen
a worker
I decided to keep the bottle
just in case it might come in handy
and my dad came into the room (didn’t look like my dad)
crying
started to say something:
we all gave him the hand
.iP
my character in my movie
doesn’t sleep enough
and rushes around the busy city
he’s always tires
and it’s such a large city
he’s always on the underground trains
and though there are millions of people there
they’re all family
when he sits down on the train
he sits next to someone
eyes closed, sunk into the vibration for their own long journey
he tilts his head onto their shoulder and nuzzles up to them
to take a little nap before someone has to rush back out onto the streets
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working with a new persona…
and a drunk guy on the subway tried to feed my bird a $100 bill
I tried to bite it… but missed
what if I were entertaining?
in public?
try it out.
saw a while bunch of people I felt love with today
lovely lovely lovely
and the sun shines down on me
thank you all
what am I so desperately looking for inside my iPhone?
there isn’t any love in there
no matter how many times I check the emails and voicemails and txt msgs
of course there’s love
lots of it
(problem’s that y’r missing it)
but not the love you need.
close your eyes now.
.iP
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"
heavinly spirits
the size of a thumb,
produced from the Creator’s body.
They are said to precede the Sun’s chariot and to number sixty
thousand.
"
He walks into the room
introduced by a rain of Angels.
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i had thought putting Knox Gelatine in my hair would be a good
experience
as It dried
I realized it was just like the Gel I used as a teenager
but i had never coated my long hair with it
no matter how often friends of mine suggested it
big crusty
nourished?
I want to be Loved!
but don’t know how to play the game right
or good at living
or square one
why old friends don’t invite me to dinner
and old lovers have found other people to play The Game of Love with
or excuses not to get together anymore
I’ve caught a lite sneeze
and can’t seem to manage anything
while I plan out fantastic journies of isolation
and push around endless piles of my life I don’t know what to do with
Hello Saggitarius.
sitting on the train
trying to read the introduction to the 1967 translation of “The Pillow Book”
iPod playing…
two boys get on the train
young
Latino maybe, dark
I only see them out of the corner of my eye and can’t hear them
but the sit abnormally far apart to be talking to one another
yet I see their hands flailing
must be queens
I try and focus on reading
but the hands are really loud
i’ve never felt such a distraction
I glance up and look at them
of course
they are talking with their hands
still: loud and brash
I smile
and Morrissey is wailing away in my ears
some rare recordings I recently found in the web
I’ve always loved his voice
but this is the first time I hear how he sometimes just brays
brash and loud
maybe everything is just chafing today
I didn’t sleep well last night
woke today to a client ringing my bell
that I thought I had cancelled
worked for three hours
then set about cleaning and organizing the house
computer
preparing for the party tomorrow
I’d intended to leave at 4 or 5
I got out of the house about 10:45
after spending hours doing inane things
among which was looking for my quartz balls
which have dissappeared
færies?
.iP
the entire time i’ve lived in this apartment
the kitchen sink’s hot water has been but a trickle
i often have to leave it running for nearly an hour before i feel the heat
enough to do dishes
but… i’ve learned to live with it.
today, after giving a friend a three hour massage
i went to do dishes
and the full force of water came out the hot
got a new neighbor next door and there has been plenty of tinkering noises
coming from over there
(i think he’s gay too, which might be a nice balance)
whatever the reason
i am very thankful
LET IT FLOW.
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This guy I’m getting to know invited me over to his place to be
photographed by some people he’d met before (been shot once by)…
they’d been photographing in their room all day… wet plate…
it was chilly on the balcony, but beautiful.
Shot for ~30 seconds on the balcony over 23rd St,
developed and prepared in the closet with a curtain over it
by Kristen Hatgi (the hand) and Mark Sink.
they have a show at Robin Rice, 325 w11th st (btw Greenwich &
Washington Sts) until Dec 20th.
( more direct shot of the plate only in stream )
I feel like I don’t know how to live
Libra always throws me into depression/confusion
is it just Autumn?
.iP
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