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walk up this heavy day
see that sky through the cracks
climb our towers
look out over our world
that world
not the world we live in
here
but all that underneath us
what we’ll never have

ours is better
up here
Mine
Ours
but I’ll never get that
that hill over there…
what’s in that green?
I wouldn’t know by visiting
never know
never have it
but to live there
and a transplant is an always an Alien
that’s bullshit Johnny
you can’t ever belong there
that’s why you gotta clone yourself with a local momma to male a new body
a new boy
a new man
who can grow up a part of those leafy valleys
know its caves and streams
salt marshes and antique stores!
and often look up at these towers
over here
and wonder what it’d be like…

what would it be like?

.iP

I keep feeling frustrated with talking about myself
blahblahblah
who the fuck cares?
me me me

apparently my iPhone agrees with me
I’ve used a iPhone for nearly three years and have never noticed this until the last few months:
Mist of the time I type “me” the iPhone auto-corrects it to “mr”

which is one of the factors that lead me to talking about other people (or trying to… pretending too)

how long has it been doing that and I didn’t notice?
mostly the autocorrect is good
but the mr/me shit is driving mr fucking nuts

Argh!

I understand there is value in my conceited ramblings
that, though expressed through myself
I may be writing some things that resonate universally
but it’s obviously time to come from another angle

“I gotta learn!”

.iP

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I… uhhh
this train is so long
and this seat is so hard
I, uh….

I was seeing my daughter’s son down today
at that place he works near all the queers
it’s so nice to see him
every time I see him he’s grown so much
I, uhhh
ummm

today I went to see my daughter at the restaurant
she didn’t show up
she often doesn’t
but I talked with Bobby though
for a while
I don’t understand what leads him to live like that
when I was a kid
I… uhhhh

I,
I remember walking with my buddies
stealing fruit from the street vendors
giving it to my grandma
aaah…
I remember being out long after night fall
dancing with the ladies
throwing rocks at the lights
you know
walking at night
with your buddies
when you’re young
looking at the signs
at the moon
at all the people
their lives…
we were only kids
fifteen or something
no idea what to do
what we could do
no idea yet
no concept of our power
oh…
what would you call it?
I don’t know
but
you know
we’d hit a ball through a window
and feel the drama and shock
of it
you know
we’d get to breaking them on purpose
so
i remember one night
late
I couldn’t go home
she made me crazy
and they were out dancing
I was carrying a bottle of soda I’d been drinking
sitting on the cement wall in the park
the light just glaring at me like that
I hardly thought about it
I had perfect aim, always playing ball in those days
the light just burst
and I was left in the dark
the nearest lamp flickering through the leaves a block away
such a shock
I felt really alone then…

I, uhhhhm
I think of that when I see the broken lamps now
when I was young and felt so alone
and now, I
I uh…

oh, did I miss my stop?

( he gets up and rushed to the door, his eyes darting… )

.iP

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he’s a man who has always had the gift of humor
never got bogged down in the seriousness of his obligations
being able to perform
and stay light hearted

perhaps that’s how things get done
to find the joy in and around the tasks that need doing
and put just as much energy into them

making real work changes
working with heavy equipment
and still being very present with his men
of course, he feels better across from
them than with them
the jokes and story keep him in attention
and separate from The Guys
better at being friendly with them
than being with them

(oh, I don’t have much creative energy left today… blew out twice and taught a yoga class… coming down from food and air conditioning and stoned… Oh No!! I started talking about myself and being a whiny white man! damn!
I really liked this picture and wanted to try..)

.iP

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regardless of the opportunities offered us
we have found ways to make it work here
even if it’s the same things we did at home
there are just so many more people here
potential for a dollar handed over

father hasn’t got any paperwork
he hasn’t got a choice
he can’t do the physical work we do… when we get it
but he knows how to play more songs than I even know
and still loves singing
he gets dressed in his best clothes
this us his work
seeing as we don’t have a restaurant here to regularly play in
we have all of these train cars
constantly
all day
as long as we can play
and stay on our feet
we at least get a dollar each per song
mostly
often more
and it really helps feed the rest of the family when we get home
and keeps the tequila flowing

this is really an amazing land of plenty…

.iP

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we grew up here
saw the pavement changed
lost a cousin under the tires of a fast turning car
saw more than one father disappear into other houses
in other blocks
other boros

my uncle taught him how to open the hydrant when he was still too young to control it
but I’m glad he can do it now
make it look so easy
gives us a reason to all be together here

keeping cool
moms bitching
he’s the only sexy one in the family
but I’ve had his brother a few times already

and her
she don’t know what it’s like…
I can’t wait to grow up and get out of here
get with a man who can buy a house over in Jersey
somewhere nice
maybe Florida
I can’t wait
when I turn 14 I’monna see if I can live with my tio
but today
it’s good to keep cool
watching the kids playing

(what do I know…
I live around these people and can’t seem to understand them at all)

.iP

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you know the story

.iP

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old man
me
tired old man
sleeping on the train
resting on my cane
eyes flickering closed and open
to look for stops
but conserve my waning energy

what was so easy in youth
has all fallen
now
I didn’t need to bother then
and I certainly don’t
now
but
now
I look and feel shabbier
shakier

the things I used to care about
most of them I don’t anymore
I just want to get from where I’ve been
back to my place of comfort

I found this board on the street
it might be useful

it’s cold in this car
oh, my knee hurts
my hands gripping each other
won’t hold me up

I get off
at 190th street
but the gate is too heavy to push through
I’m glad that man helped me
no one else would
no one…

I’m no one anymore
disappearing as you walk by
thank you for remembering me for this moment

.iP

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32
?

this time of meditation on myself
my actions
my thoughts and feelings

oh, have I?
I haven’t even paid attention
I should look at it all now

Now
before that
I feel sick of myself
like my ego is useless

of course it’s not
it is
in fact
less sick
in a wave
cycle
of entropy
more sick leading to death
later

now
just life

not depression
but
I want to not write about I
ok
but don’t discount yourself
keep up the love

what does it feel like?

it feels good to feel
there is some pain and awkwardness
but mostly power and beauty
that’s what it feels like

not bad
I was going to say
I don’t like the choices I make
thus I gate myself
thus desire to negate myself
annihilate myself

but it’s not the choices I make
it’s my actions
yes
it’s the choices I make
lost
out of control
where is this?

center
if I
could choose to come to center
with every breath
could I be at all?

my heart hurts here

.iP

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this day started the same
ending last night at today’s Dawn
watching horrible videos about the gulf oil spill
the history of the real Von Trapp family
and herbal ideas on how to euthanize my best friend who just got diagnosed with cancer…
when I woke this morning I continued in the same vein with some animal cruelty video

(shudder)

but today was different
I did mudra meditation in bed
which led to pushups and pull ups
making myself Indian leftovers
watching episode 4 of Heroes
which Felt inspiring
I went out to the beach again
but the sun was the star today
the sun and mulberries

I came home
showered
and began directly with the dishes
the laundry
and cleaning the bedroom

Daniel got here around 9:30
we didn’t see any of the fireworks
though we tried
he and his friend Dan came back to my place for some sustenance
then we headed to the cave

five minutes from my door

apparently Indians used to live there
we spent a good while cleaning it
lots of broken glass
crack pipes
drug bags

we smudged it with mugwort from the riverside
filled it with smoke!
lay down a red sheet
three singing bowls
drum
digeridoo
recorder

the three of us
and salvia divinorum

it was the perfect ending to my birthday counting
and crystalized an idea I have to get out of myself with my postings, we’ll see

( if you’re interested, we recorded most of it. it’s three and a half hours and is filled with some great conversations, music and screaming. mostly absurd. fill your space with the cave and spend the night with us… )

we got back to my place after 4
then set out to data transfer, studying (Daniel has a quiz) and tea
it’s seven now
and I kinda have a full day ahead…
so I’ll head to dreams for a while
maybe exhaustion will put me to sleep on time tonight

mars was so beautiful…
the moon conjunct Jupiter
so beautiful

thank you for all in existence
I’m grateful to be one of the caretakers
(even as an agent of entropy)

.iP

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trouble settling down
agitated as hell
starting Wednesday with waking at 6
(hot, but disruptive)
my sleep has been totally fucked
after watching The Sound Of Music Friday night I got home at 5am
6 before I could sleep
when I woke today I was a wreck
jittery and displaced
the sink was filled with dishes
I couldn’t bring myself to clean
or the laundry
or the bedroom
or anything anything
no focus for more than a moment
just backgammon and silverdaddies and detritus
no thought came to completion

days like this
happen

.iP