the fasting is rolling along mom surprised how easy it is so time something old and familiar last full day here for ten days i’ll miss the garden walking naked outside and hanging with my mom but i’m looking forward to some alone time how will i use it? we shall see it was nice, today, to see a fellow i know from NYC also visiting his parents in indiana we lay and cuddled and talked for a few hours i felt it would be fun to have a video series of cuddling and talking telling stories about “first times” and coming out… would have been a good “pride month” project, eh? good night for now
i’m really not making the time to write that i wish i were. . . but i gardened naked in the rain an hour today. had a 90 minute session i had forgot i booked. surprise! talked with a fella for two hours in a parking lot: gemini twins. re-made my massage oil to make it more viscous . . . and watched a long and heart-touching movie (the green mile) then looked out into the night and watched the fireflies flicker. . . good enough for now
somewhere in there is a picture of me. i obsessed all night hours in Mario Kart nothing nothing looking though all the ways people could send me messages just to feel the touch of them not to reply the moon travelled across the sky i didn’t sleep til the sky was lightening i only slept three hours i don’t know how i made it through the day and accomplished so much so much laying naked outside (ok, that was very short, twice) so much letting things slide so much listening to music harvesting chamomile fertilizing the beds preparing the new massage oil cleaning and sorting talking and listening on the phone wondering if i’d made a mistake watching a Wes Anderson film with my mother - she didn’t like it but today i thought to take pictures but couldn’t decide them well i wanted green i wanted sky there is thinking of mexico for the winter there is thinking of Thailand - can i pick up where i left off? -impossible- (“only not to be of use”) im giving up solid foods for a while oh all these beautiful fat bodies can i give them up? the fire flies flicker i must go to sleep there isn’t enough strawberry moon it will be ok anyway
. . . my mother paid a friend of hers to give me a massage for my birthday. it was excruciating, very deep, fast: a massage therapist trained to work at a spa has to work fast. . . and she likes working deep. . . so it just hurts. i always like to work slowly so i can work deep without hurting people. i certainly hope i don’t hurt people that much. i don’t know if that’s a good experience or not. i slept afterwards and felt very out of it for the rest of the day. zombified. . . i did make me want to go back to south east asia so i can get massage regularly. anyone want to go to thailand with me? (big cuddly bears don’t do well in hot humid areas without AC. . . i’m destined to travel alone. . . )
i forgot to set my alarm this morning and slept in til ten which was plenty of time to prepare for my client at 12:30 i had two clients scheduled when i woke up this morning two others asked for sessions i took one more had one yesterday too getting a massage (as a birthday gift) tomorrow all three clients today were new to me yesterday’s said “ok, this is officially the best massage i’ve ever had” midway through the session both he and my first today i was their first “gay” massage the guy today was 65 and had only had two massages before me both on cruises i really aim to bring love and care to my sessions but also education and simply pleasure all that i don’t shy away from pain either but do my best to keep pain on the side of pleasure yesterday’s client was someone i cruised years ago handed him my card in passing - this was our first meeting and after the massage was finished we laid in bed cuddling and listened to the entirety of Fear Of Music (am i repeating myself? it was awesome) today i got to teach so much teach taoism sciattic stretches testicle self-massage the energetic fundamentals of love-making the history of gay culture vs hemophilia in mediterranean cultures astrological ego positionings and secondary progressions with each of them i felt an immediate “old friend affection” i described the process of generating that to one of them but i have such inertia i was able to see, feel, appreciate it happening automatically especially with the last one however i know it’s not healthy for me to give three a day (but it had been a week since my last session, and i plan to take next week off) the last half hour of the third my hands started to hurt and i felt my energy bottoming out my whole body was sore by the time i got home 9 hours of detailed attention giving heavy body moving subtle energy channeling breaking up binding plowing through tension i’m so grateful after a year of almost no massage so grateful for the work the money the intimacy the appreciation the beauty: bodies still amazed at Bodies and now i’m so grateful i can go to sleep i wish i could massage everyone love you sleep well
i woke up and got busy right away. the days have been passing as if many are happening each day. my sister came to visit last night. chicken pot pie and brownies. jack box games. friends. . . my energy is such slump. . . but i went down to meet a man i’d handed my card to while passing him in a bar years ago. . . he hired me today. after the massage we lay in bed listening to the entirety of Fear Of Music it must be love! i played him some other songs then drove home through the night air i could sleep outside but i want to sleep long and i have two clients tomorrow so the inside bed and a melatonin it is “we just know that you will do fine” ”we love you”
there was a great storm last night mall night the thunder hammered branches fell rain fell lots and lots of rain i drempt of old friends are they dead now? they looked much better than when last i saw them i remember the passion what was the rest of the time? ”we should watch a movie together we should do coke together we should make love together we should sleep together i am just here to pleasure you” all the way out to Avenue O … i was in a forest sleeping next to someone hello old friend this one that one good as new good as any unique name name that's ok he didn’t sleep well i did though i kept waking all that noise and all that feeling … this morning i gave a good massage then went to Cataract Falls i remember going there often in my youth (maybe only once) i remember the water was low and walking out into the rock bed the holes from time time can be seen clearly cut through by water “the largest waterfall in indiana” (“oh, Owen: are you there. . . ?”) today the banks were swollen the river chocolate milk torrent there was a large tree perhaps the largest tree in Indiana an honor to be in its presence and trees that flower and a sense that things were “back to normal” and everyone suffers with what they have. . . even if / especially if it’s everything they want … perhaps my cold sore is getting too involved being “an angel in a land of sunshine” where freedom has a different meaning all i can do is witness and be model freedom to the best i can be free what is the beat use of my being? i don’t know yet but for now its just this
i've not been sleeping much the last few weeks... or sleeping well. mostly going to sleep very late at night/early in the morning... the brain all spun up "posting" things... then looking at replies... then... spinning in neutral, just like the good old days, so playing games or reading things into the wee hours. last night i could not pull myself away from the screen... that strange intrinsic need... "there is something i need to get from here, something i need to do..." no rest came until after 5:30am... so when i woke four hours later.. i felt like my body was a burnt, dried out husk... before i opened my eyes, i heard rain out the window, i started connecting with resources... what... this going to sleep so late at night, this sleeping so little is making me Yin Deficient... so i connected with Kan, the great immeasurable lake of potential... somewhere at the bottom of everything, behind all things, under neath, beside of, inside of... potential. the essence of Yin... i remembered a practice, so put my attention in my testicles and connected with Yin there and pulled UP! ... i wasn't sure if i was just draining my sexual energy... though i'm sure that would be fine, i've been masturbating daily as well for many weeks (as i had sometime in the night before i went to sleep)... mercury retrograde or so near the solstice, i'm not sure... but i'm back in the habit of that... anyway, the sensation of pulling the energy through the testicles and up into the rest of the body was very powerful. quite a "high". i felt it lubricating and nourishing what felt so dry and dusty before... so grateful. after doing this for a while, i started cycling through the elements... then manipulating the energy in other ways... and as my brain got recharged the "teaching" voice started blathering ... and i rolled out of bed, drank some water, and set up the iPad to record a video. 40 minutes. good little practice. teaching and more nourishing of self. good to share. this morning i've driven my father to pick up one of his vehicles and he's headed off to Alaska i went out to the garden to harvest the rest of the Chamomile and some more snap peas then ate some radish greens with eggs and chicken... then some brussle sprout salad now i'm going to rest a bit then head down south to see some water falls i haven't been to for many years then spend the night with a stranger in the forest i may not post again tonight see if there is a signal don't know but that's the message for today
i finished planting the garden today i really lost my inertia with the garden a few weeks ago when i cut my hair i suddenly started being attacked constantly by deer flies and my scalp got sunburned my first day out there as well burn and bites all over: not pleasant and having to wear clothes while garden just wasn’t attractive to me so i kept putting it off bit it’s been nagging at me as the solstice is almost here and most of the garden was planted but the obvious spots were eating at me so today i finished it eh, we finished it my mom and it but i was out there until the light was almost gone and the fireflies were dancing - i’ll do my best to share how it progressed through the summer . . . was it yesterday? errr, recently, was moving soil from an old compost heap that has turned into a Comfrey bed and kept hitting root i don’t like letting things go to waste… so i cleaned it all and today i chopped it for HOURS while listening to Paul Selig on some podcast naked in the sun . . . it’s complicated to know what i want now want anymore i don’t know but i want everyone to be free i want everyone to be loved and i used to be suffering from that not being the case can i just believe it is and help it be so? you are free you are loved i am free i am loved all is well all is well all to all
things settled down a bit on the tech front we finished the back to the future movies greens and eggs and chicken and cheese for lunch cheesey puffs for dinner we let out the new chickens in with the home chickens there was only one fight & team rooster was the winner integration takes time so tired today but didn’t nap felt motivated to finish the garden in time for the solstice i guess all of the prep work on the garden in the fence is done! got to finish planting seeds tomorrow but i got the rest of the beds situated today man’s the sprinkler set up after the seeding its just weeding and watering we are currently harvesting kale, snap peas, chamomile, lambsquarters, and radishes buonanotte
43.13 when i started this idea of secondary progression birthday aging ritual project i just did one day per year but the more i studied it i found it wasn’t an exact alignment so i decided to put in an offset day every 12 days in the years i made a posting project out of it i would denote it just with an ellipses but this year i missed it coz the internet was out i wanted to sleep early and my batter was dying and it happened to be a . . . day so i just let it slide i uploaded the video i created yesterday for today on youtube (now at the bottom of this post) and was able to post the pics from today and yesterday in under ten on IG and i’m not sure how i got so far from the days of the month already. . . 13 on the 16th? but whatever i don’t care about perfection right now mercury is in gemini and it’s fine whatever can be whatever . . . i’m watching the Back to the Future series right now first time since i was a kid and . . . well. . . i see the magic of it but the second one what a formula still fun whatever perfect mercury retrograde thing to watch i realized that the 1985 of Biff in power is like what we went through for the last four years especially if it would have been allowed to go on and on unmitigated greed and avarice led by a narcissist glad that potential future got erased! here’s to more time-hopping. . . i transcribed for three hours today let’s see what happened tomorrow but first what’s happening right now?
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