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the fasting is rolling along
mom surprised how easy it is so time
something old and familiar

last full day here for ten days
i’ll miss the garden
walking naked outside
and hanging with my mom
but i’m looking forward to some alone time 
how will i use it?

we shall see

it was nice, today, to see a fellow i know from NYC also visiting his parents in indiana
we lay and cuddled and talked for a few hours 
i felt it would be fun to have a video series of cuddling and talking 
telling stories about “first times” and coming out…
would have been a good “pride month” project, eh?

good night for now 

i’m really not making the time to write that i wish i were. . . but i gardened naked in the rain an hour today. had a 90 minute session i had forgot i booked. surprise! talked with a fella for two hours in a parking lot: gemini twins. re-made my massage oil to make it more viscous . . . and watched a long and heart-touching movie (the green mile) then looked out into the night and watched the fireflies flicker. . . 
good enough for now

somewhere in there is a picture of me. 
i obsessed all night 
hours in Mario Kart
nothing nothing 
looking though all the ways people could send me messages
just to feel the touch of them
not to reply

the moon travelled across the sky 

i didn’t sleep til the sky was lightening 

i only slept three hours

i don’t know how i made it through the day
and accomplished so much

so much laying naked outside (ok, that was very short, twice)
so much letting things slide
so much listening to music
harvesting chamomile 
fertilizing the beds
preparing the new massage oil
cleaning and sorting
talking and listening on the phone
wondering if i’d made a mistake 
watching a Wes Anderson film with my mother - she didn’t like it 

but today i thought to take pictures
but couldn’t decide them well

i wanted green 
i wanted sky

there is thinking of mexico for the winter
there is thinking of Thailand
- can i pick up where i left off?

-impossible-
(“only not to be of use”)

im giving up solid foods for a while

oh
all these beautiful fat bodies

can i give them up?

the fire flies flicker

i must go to sleep
there isn’t enough
strawberry moon
it will be ok anyway

. . . my mother paid a friend of hers to give me a massage for my birthday. it was excruciating, very deep, fast: a massage therapist trained to work at a spa has to work fast. . . and she likes working deep. . . so it just hurts. i always like to work slowly so i can work deep without hurting people. i certainly hope i don’t hurt people that much. i don’t know if that’s a good experience or not. i slept afterwards and felt very out of it for the rest of the day. zombified. . . i did make me want to go back to south east asia so i can get massage regularly. anyone want to go to thailand with me? (big cuddly bears don’t do well in hot humid areas without AC. . . i’m destined to travel alone. . . ) 

i forgot to set my alarm this morning 
and slept in til ten
which was plenty of time to prepare for my client at 12:30

i had two clients scheduled when i woke up this morning
two others asked for sessions
i took one more
had one yesterday too
getting a massage (as a birthday gift) tomorrow

all three clients today were new to me

yesterday’s said “ok, this is officially the best massage i’ve ever had”
midway through the session

both he
and my first today
i was their first “gay” massage
the guy today was 65 and had only had two massages before me
both on cruises

i really aim to bring love and care to my sessions
but also education
and
simply
pleasure

all
that
i don’t shy away from pain either
but do my best to keep pain on the side of pleasure

yesterday’s client was someone i cruised years ago 
handed him my card in passing
- this was our first meeting
and after the massage was finished
we laid in bed cuddling
and listened to the entirety of 
Fear Of Music
(am i repeating myself? it was awesome)

today i got to teach so much
teach taoism 
sciattic stretches
testicle self-massage
the energetic fundamentals of love-making
the history of gay culture vs hemophilia in mediterranean cultures
astrological ego positionings
and secondary progressions
with each of them i felt an immediate “old friend affection”

i described the process of generating that to one of them
but i have such inertia
i was able to see, feel, appreciate it happening automatically 
especially with the last one

however
i know it’s not healthy for me to give three a day
(but it had been a week since my last session, and i plan to take next week off)

 the last half hour of the third 
my hands started to hurt
and i felt my energy bottoming out

my whole body was sore by the time i got home 

9 hours of detailed attention giving 
heavy body moving 
subtle energy channeling
breaking up binding
plowing through tension

i’m so grateful
after a year of almost no massage
so grateful for the work
the money
the intimacy
the appreciation 
the beauty: bodies
still amazed at Bodies

and now i’m so grateful i can go to sleep

i wish i could massage everyone
love you
sleep well 

i woke up and got busy right away. the days have been passing as if many are happening each day. my sister came to visit last night. chicken pot pie and brownies. jack box games. friends. . . my energy is such slump. . . but i went down to meet a man i’d handed my card to while passing him in a bar years ago. . . he hired me today. after the massage we lay in bed listening to the entirety of Fear Of Music 
it must be love!
i played him some other songs
then drove home through the night air
i could sleep outside
but i want to sleep long
and i have two clients tomorrow
so the inside bed 
and a melatonin it is

“we just know that you will do fine”
”we love you”

there was a great storm last night 
mall night the thunder hammered
branches fell
rain fell
lots and lots of rain

i drempt of old friends
are they dead now?
they looked much better than when last i saw them

i remember the passion
what was the rest of the time?

”we should watch a movie together 
we should do coke together
we should make love together
we should sleep together
i am just here to pleasure you”

all the way out
to Avenue O

…

i was in a forest 
sleeping next to someone
hello old friend
this one
that one
good as new
good as any
unique
name name
that's ok

he didn’t sleep well
i did
though i kept waking
all that noise
and all that feeling

…

this morning
i gave a good massage
then went to Cataract Falls
i remember going there often in my youth
(maybe only once)
i remember the water was low 
and walking out into the rock bed 
the holes from time

time
can be seen
clearly
cut through by water

“the largest waterfall in indiana”

(“oh, Owen: are you there. . . ?”)

today the banks were swollen
the river chocolate milk
torrent

there was a large tree
perhaps the largest tree in Indiana
an honor to be in its presence

and trees that flower
and a sense that things were “back to normal”

and everyone suffers with what they have. . . even if / especially if it’s everything they want

…

perhaps my cold sore is getting too involved

being “an angel in a land of sunshine”
where freedom has a different meaning 

all i can do is witness
and be
model freedom 
to the best i can be free

what is the beat use of my being?

i don’t know yet 
but for now
its just this 

i've not been sleeping much the last few weeks... or sleeping well. mostly going to sleep very late at night/early in the morning... the brain all spun up "posting" things... then looking at replies... then... spinning in neutral, just like the good old days, so playing games or reading things into the wee hours. last night i could not pull myself away from the screen... that strange intrinsic need... "there is something i need to get from here, something i need to do..." no rest came until after 5:30am... so when i woke four hours later.. i felt like my body was a burnt, dried out husk... before i opened my eyes, i heard rain out the window, i started connecting with resources... what... this going to sleep so late at night, this sleeping so little is making me Yin Deficient... so i connected with Kan, the great immeasurable lake of potential... somewhere at the bottom of everything, behind all things, under neath, beside of, inside of... potential. the essence of Yin... i remembered a practice, so put my attention in my testicles and connected with Yin there and pulled UP! ... i wasn't sure if i was just draining my sexual energy... though i'm sure that would be fine, i've been masturbating daily as well for many weeks (as i had sometime in the night before i went to sleep)...  mercury retrograde or so near the solstice, i'm not sure... but i'm back in the habit of that... anyway, the sensation of pulling the energy through the testicles and up into the rest of the body was very powerful. quite a "high". i felt it lubricating and nourishing what felt so dry and dusty before... so grateful. after doing this for a while, i started cycling through the elements... then manipulating the energy in other ways... and as my brain got recharged the "teaching" voice started blathering ... and i rolled out of bed, drank some water, and set up the iPad to record a video. 40 minutes. good little practice. teaching and more nourishing  of self. good to share. 

this morning i've driven my father to pick up one of his vehicles
and he's headed off to Alaska
i went out to the garden to harvest the rest of the Chamomile
and some more snap peas
then ate some radish greens with eggs and chicken... 
then some brussle sprout salad 
now i'm going to rest a bit
then head down south
to see some water falls i haven't been to for many years
then spend the night with a stranger in the forest

i may not post again tonight
see if there is a signal
don't know

but that's the message for today

i finished planting the garden today
i really lost my inertia with the garden a few weeks ago
when i cut my hair i suddenly started being attacked constantly by deer flies 
and my scalp got sunburned my first day out there as well

burn and bites all over:
not pleasant

and having to wear clothes while garden just wasn’t attractive to me
so i kept putting it off

bit it’s been nagging at me
as the solstice is almost here
and most of the garden was planted
but the obvious spots were eating at me 

so today i finished it
eh, we finished it
my mom and it
but i was out there until the light was almost gone and the fireflies were dancing 

- i’ll do my best to share how it progressed through the summer 

. . . was it yesterday?
errr, recently,  was moving soil from an old compost heap that has turned into a Comfrey bed
and kept hitting root

i don’t like letting things go to waste…
so i cleaned it all
and today i chopped it
for HOURS
while listening to Paul Selig on some podcast 
naked in the sun

. . . 
it’s complicated to know what i want now
want anymore
i don’t know

but i want everyone to be free
i want everyone to be loved
and i used to be suffering from that not being the case

can i just believe it is and help it be so?

you are free
you are loved

i am free
i am loved

all is well
all is well
all to all 

things settled down a bit on the tech front
we finished the back to the future movies
greens and eggs and chicken and cheese for lunch

cheesey puffs for dinner

we let out the new chickens in with the home chickens

there was only one fight
& team rooster was the winner

integration takes time 

so tired today
but didn’t nap

felt motivated to finish the garden 
in time for the solstice i guess

all of the prep work on the garden in the fence is done!

got to finish planting seeds tomorrow

but i got the rest of the beds situated today 
man’s the sprinkler set up

after the seeding
its just weeding and watering 

we are currently harvesting 
kale, snap peas, chamomile, lambsquarters, and radishes 

buonanotte 

43.13


when i started this idea of secondary progression birthday aging ritual project
i just did one day per year
but the more i studied it
i found it wasn’t an exact alignment
so i decided to put in an offset day every 12 days


in the years i made a posting project out of it
i would denote it just with an ellipses
but this year i missed it coz the internet was out
i wanted to sleep early
and my batter was dying
and it happened to be a . . . day
so i just let it slide


i uploaded the video i created yesterday for today on youtube (now at the bottom of this post)
and was able to post the pics from today and yesterday in under ten on IG


and i’m not sure how i got so far from the days of the month already. . . 
13 on the 16th?


but whatever
i don’t care about perfection right now


mercury is in gemini and it’s fine
whatever can be whatever


. . . 


i’m watching the Back to the Future series right now
first time since i was a kid
and . . . 
well. . . 
i see the magic of it
but the second one 
what a formula
still
fun
whatever 
perfect mercury retrograde thing to watch 


i realized that the 1985 of Biff in power
is like what we went through for the last four years
especially if it would have been allowed to go on and on 


unmitigated greed and avarice 
led by a narcissist 


glad that potential future got erased!


here’s to more time-hopping. . . 


i transcribed for three hours today


let’s see what happened tomorrow


but first
what’s happening right now?