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43.36 – when i went to my outside bed last night. . . i was so happy with the warm still air. . . enjoying seeing jupiter in the sky. . . and when i lay down. . . melted into the night sounds. . . this morning i eas equally grateful and enjoyed the dawn chorus and trees. . . the day turned busy and very rainy. . . i took a nap and woke up feeling out of sorts. . . but went to visit the family in the park, which was nice, if slightly awkward. . . but we do what we can. i’d made popsicles of my fasting lemonade to share with the kids. . . good fun. . . and then we left.

43.35 - glorious. . . i love being in the rain. . . i got extra time on my drive to babysit i miei nipoti . . . so i wanted to photograph pretty things, stopped a few times. . . it started to rain. . . ligjt at first: i love being out in the rain! . . . then it increased. got to pet the horses. . . ans saw a rainbow. . . un arcobaleno. . . so it was a success. love you. may you see clearly your actions and find peace to live with an open heart to all beings. 

i spent six hours juicing the plethora of excess limes and lemons i bought for my fast. . . put most of it in ice cube trays for refreshing summer beverages. . . i also made some of the lemonade i drink for the fast and put it in popsicle molds my mom filled with Kool-Aide for us as kids… i felt such childish joy seeing them in the closet when i looked for the ice cube trays, i had to use them… the flowers i took last night: my mother said “ you must see these “ - but it was nearly night. . . flash fotos of flowers. . . i read the Desiderata tonight because i referenced it in a conversation i had this evening. that’s my day. i forgot to photograph it. i learned yesterday that italians find the repetitions of similar sounds at the end of words right next to each other “ugly”. . . i had been thinking it would be preferred. . . like “da qua” . . . theyvwould prefer “da qui” . . . learn something new every. . . what did you learn today? 

Desiderata
GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
By Max Ehrmann © 1927
Original text from:
Desiderata Original Text

43.33 - over a week of fasting and i don’t feel like i’ve lost much weight. . . i definitely feel lighter though. . . i like the emptiness, what i always liked about fasting. . . the simplicity: no choices, just simple nourishment. low energy, ish. . . but mostly feel pretty good. enjoyed this time alone. going back to zionsville tonight. bye dogs. . . back to my garden. . . will it be harder not to eat in the house full of miraculous costco snacks and the summer garden. . . and eggs? 

///  
and excerpts from today’s transcription:

“Help me quiet my mind, Quiet my desires. Make me useful. Help me to see the same divinity in all creation. Remove all hatred from my Heart”
(write in the ⁋ from page 38 “The person practicing svadhyaya. . . “)


[“ 
 The person practicing svādhyāya reads his own book of life, at the same time that he writes and revises it. There is a change in his outlook on life. He starts to realize that all creation is meant for bhakti (adoration) rather than for bhoga (enjoyment), that all creation is divine, that there is divinity within himself and that the energy which moves him is the same that moves the entire universe. 
(skipping one paragraph, the next is: )
 To make life healthy, happy and peaceful, it is essential to study regularly divine literature in a pure place. This study of the sacred books of the world will enable the sādhaka to concentrate upon and solve the difficult problems of life when they arise. It will put an end to ignorance and bring knowledge. Ignorance has no beginning, but it has an end. There is a beginning but no end to knowledge. By svādhyāya the sādhaka understands the  nature of his soul and gains communion with the divine. The sacred books of the world are for all to read. They are not meant for the members of one particular faith alone. As bees savour the nectar in various flowers, so the sādhaka absorbs things in other faiths which will enable him to appreciate his own faith better. 
 Philology is not a language but the science of languages, the study of which will enable the student to learn his own language better. Similarly, Yoga is not a religion by itself. It is the science of religions, the study of which will enable a sādhaka the better to appreciate his own faith. 
 - BKS Iyengar, Light on Yoga “]
 

43.32.1 - today’s animals: i took a lot of pictures today, so here are the animals and me. i did not intend to do a close up of my nipple. . . but that’s a good way to start. i’ve been so surprised at how different i feel on this fast (day 7 now? 10?) - i went to the supermarket and felt kinda horrified at bodies i’d usually be attracted to. . . im not doing moral internal work much on this fast, but i’ve had zero sexual desire this week, which is odd for me, but a welcome break. . . however, my karma is kama, so i have horny dudes writing me all the time wanting me to meet them there. . . which i often do, but right now i have no interest. . . so i’m using my body in other ways. . . a little dancing, but mostly napping and sitting and lately i’ve been taking sun in the morning. . . which has made me feel like doing yoga. . . so grateful, it feels awesome, even to do a little bit. . . . the rest of these pics? fish at a friend’s house. . . his cat on his cat wheel… i’ll spare you the pic of the squirrel i took: a hawk had started eating his shoulder then dropped it on the street. … and the dogs being scared and jumping in my lap from the fireworks again, just a few moments ago, sitting out on the back deck. . . you’ll all enjoy it, right? 


43.32.2 - the flowers. i took a walk with a friend i once rode ~600 miles in mongolia with~ there were some gorgeous gardens in his strange neighborhood, we saw a hawk catch a squirrel and eat it in a tree. . . then sat and talked a while- first other person i’ve sat in person with this week. . . he reminded me of many things i used to feel and believe- i’m grateful to notice how “i’ve” changed. i made some comment ina  video i made at the beginning of this project about no one really changing. . . that’s silly: we are all changing all the time. . . and we can steer some of it. . . and we are always who we were and entirely new right now. . . each new now that we notice. 






//
another excerpt from the red 3MO journal:


SAMSARA REHAB CENTRE
i came up with the brilliant idea yesterday to make a bunch of videos. . . which, of course, has avalanched into Projects that my mind is now shaped around. it was difficult to fall asleep last night because i kept making Videos. except i wasn’t. i was lying in bed in a dark room. . . dreaming while not sleeping. So, while showering this morning, i was making a video for my Dad, telling him. . . Asking him When it was a good idea to be Hateful? and would he say he is Mostly Happy with his Life? & is he OK with being Harmful to his family? causing us all a lot of suffering. . . & working to support us? Would he prefer more not to cause us suffering or not to Harm us? & When did Jesus say was the Right Time to be Hateful? and 
 Hey Dominic: When is the Right time to be Hateful? mmmm. to hate.
So i went to the next sitting with that Question & after a million moments to settle i asked it: A: “when i don’t like someone?” Questions & Answers followed. a teacher voice. a student voice. Me & Me again & feelings so i went through three people i’d been Hateful with & talked it out with teacher. i saw reasons & projections & upon reflection it was always unwise to be hateful. it hurt very badly at one point & i got to be with it Now. Know that pain Now. Holding others to Standards which i don’t want others to hold me to. ouch. Hating Hypocrites because they serve to weaken my resolve. oh, i’m a hypocrite too. oh, i don’t actually know anyone’s actually story or suffering - & it led to genuine compassion. so. . . that’s useful, right? 
 “i wanna do Bad things…& we’re one again.” 


///


other excerpts from yesterday’s transcription 
not my writing, but stuff i looked up in references from the talk


Rebecca’s talk: Q&A
Brahmaviharas & forgiveness & Gratitude 
hearts are like adopted feral cats…
The person is always forgivable. Their acts might not be, but they are. The people who cause harm are often suffering greatly. “The line of Good & Evil cuts through the heart of every Human being” (Russian Dissident)
Taking Action. Delusion is slippery. check out the motives. Take the Actions Mindfully & see the Results.
Challenges & Rewards of long term practice: cycles 
Trust the Deepening Practice - it gets uncomfortable. . . but leads to deeper peace. Landing further into Truth. Running from the truth is costly. When we are Deluded we don’t know we’re Deluded. Rumi Poem: Bird Wings. !
The spiritual journey is about coming to terms with loss. we learn how to let go every moment
control is not a strategy for happiness. 
Anata Lakana Sutra
i had hoped for so long that by actively pursuing & acting as if i had no fears of Death would set me free: Life is Dangerous! Jump into it & enjoy it & let it kill me - until it does i will be happy . . . somewhere i got lost. . . & am hurting & not happy
REMEMER THE INTENTION TO CULTIVATE WAKING UP. 
“like minded friends, where wisdom & love & practice seem as important”
 any / every moment in life can be used as practice






[ later found, Rumi Poem:


Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror
up to where you are bravely working.


Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.


Your hand opens and closes, and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.


Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding,
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated 
as birdwings.
– Rumi          




Sutra, from Wikipedia 


The Anattalakkhaṇa Sutta (Pali) or Anātmalakṣaṇa Sūtra (Sanskrit), is traditionally recorded as the second discourse delivered by Gautama Buddha. The title translates to the "Not-Self Characteristic Discourse", but is also known as the Pañcavaggiya Sutta (Pali) or Pañcavargīya Sūtra (Skt.), meaning the "Group of Five" Discourse.


In this discourse, the Buddha analyzes the constituents of a person's body and mind (khandha) and demonstrates that they are each impermanent (anicca), subject to suffering (dukkha) and thus unfit for identification with a "self" (attan). The Pali version of this discourse reads:
"Form, ... feeling, ... perception, ... [mental] fabrications, ... consciousness is not self. If consciousness were the self, this consciousness would not lend itself to dis-ease. It would be possible [to say] with regard to consciousness, 'Let my consciousness be thus. Let my consciousness not be thus.' But precisely because consciousness is not self, consciousness lends itself to dis-ease. And it is not possible [to say] with regard to consciousness, 'Let my consciousness be thus. Let my consciousness not be thus.'...
"Thus, monks, any form, ... feeling, ... perception, ... fabrications, ... consciousness whatsoever that is past, future, or present; internal or external; blatant or subtle; common or sublime; far or near: every consciousness is to be seen as it actually is with right discernment as: 'This is not mine. This is not my self. This is not what I am.'
"Seeing thus, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones grows disenchanted with form, disenchanted with feeling, disenchanted with perception, disenchanted with fabrications, disenchanted with consciousness. Disenchanted, he becomes dispassionate. Through dispassion, he is fully released. With full release, there is the knowledge, 'Fully released.' He discerns that 'Birth is ended, the holy life fulfilled, the task done. There is nothing further for this world.'"


In the Pali Canon, the Anattalakkhana Sutta is found in the Samyutta Nikaya ("Connected Collection," abbreviated as either "SN" or "S") and is designated by either "SN 21.59" (SLTP) or "SN 22.59" (CSCD) or "S iii 66" (PTS). This discourse is also found in the Buddhist monastic code (Vinaya).

beset with dogs. . . laying on the deck in the sun, watching them walk around. . . i saw how ferocious they must look to squirrels and the like. . . i imagined if i were small enough for them to just gobble up. . . like my eyes were floating free of my body. . . then realized i was tripping on fasting. i took an hour and a half nap. man: good rest is so worth it. . . it’s been a while. i opted Chronotrigger a few hours, then spent a few hours transcribing (excerpt below) and practicing italian. simple: letting the days go by. . .


/
written on thanksgiving day in 2016, when on a three month meditation retreat
- all the silly thoughts of the mind. . . but some sweetness in there. . . thinking about “gathering holidays” while being alone: 



Today. . . & yesterday i have had holiday memories. . . 
but more than the visuals, i was struck by the feeling. . . 
visiting relatives, various houses, different carpets, furniture, drapes, plates, smells. . . That young age when everything was confusion, a mystery - when i was profoundly aware of my ignorance & constantly in awe - the feeling of Traveling & entering into entirely different Realities - people acted differently - we were meant to act differently . . . so as i walked. . . after eating. . . after walking to the Love Shack, socializing & playing cards with Myself. . . walking by houses with many cars out front. . . where friends & family Gathered
i thought of the different people i knew. . . & who they might be with, what they might be eating & drinking, the sounds of conversation & Laughter. . . walking alone on the cold, empty, silent winter road - i held my hands under my poncho. . . reflecting on the two men i’ve ever held hands with that made me feel loved. . . made me feel With someone . . . even though, it turns out, i wasn’t. & i thought of words from a recent talk: “you might find you can give yourself what you’ve always wanted some one else to give you” & i started saying in my mind things like “i love you. you’ll never be alone, i’ll always be with you. i’ll do my best to take care of you. To listen & understand you. . .” i cried a little. . . & looked out over the still pond - Perfect against the heavy iron sky - the weathered old dead branches reflecting sharply, poking out of the water. . . imagining the Beaver teaching their children how to make their own Lodges - wishing i could help. walking slowly. . . attended the 3:30 sit. gave up. gave up. gave up. sat and held my hand & comforted my self. . . 
& breathed deeply until the bell rang - i still have one more day of being Practice leader on Sunday - then i can only sit once a day if i like. i’m giving myself permission to give up after that.

today was a perfect weather day, not too hot nor cold. i lay out in the sun for an hour this morning. . . the female dog i am staying with, phoebe, really likes my scent and often rubs herself all over me: i got a video of her doing it a little bit. i have done that with men in the past. . . i wish people liked their smell more and rubbed people’s smells all over them. . . ahhh. . . otherwise, i’m just playing ChronoTrigger and drinking lemonade. . . im fine with that: resting. i’m appreciating the freedom to let myself rest. may we all be free

i decided not to bring a razor with me down here. . . curious to see how much hair i grow in a week. i’ll shave again when i get back to zionsville. 

– part of the reason i’m here is to keep the dogs calm: they are very disturbed by the fireworks, which are prevalent this time of year. . . one of these pics shows them waking from sleep and both jumping into my lap (while i was playing ChronoTrigger, my first time), i took them for a walk today, but it was irritating me to resist their constant pulling. i went for a walk afterwards to be at my own pace & take some pictures. i was shocked at how tired and sore it made me just to walk a mile. oh, poor ole body. fasting. alright.

no youtube talking video today. didn’t sleep well last night, felt off all day. just a stage of fasting. meh. 
no new writing today. just transcription. blah. 
and only took a few videos of Dallas licking my face this morning in the hammock. here is one: 

Stu responded to a description i put on my IG post about “dejavu” and delivering teeth 
saying it was like the beginning of a burroughs or bukowski novel
perhaps i am a writer
and everything i write feels like a piece?

i imagined
what would a book written by the blend of the two of them feel like?

an alcoholic and drug addict
there would have to be some strange supernatural thing 
drugs made from the teeth
some human trafficking about tooth extraction
. . . or dentists pulling teeth and my sister extracting something from the teeth to make some sort of mind altering substance
. . . but to cross it with pizza-gate insanity
it could be some sort of reduction of teeth that keep people young
but transforms them into mugwumps
reptilians?
lanky black shadowy figures
bilious cloudy characters
sinuous streatched out beings
or, perhaps they start growing fingernails instead of hair around their bodies
scales
teeth all over their head and arms
perhaps, like in the FALLs, it affected different people differently 

but live forever

all told in a deadpan, paranoid, hateful sort of way

. . . i suppose i could write that
but would i want to spend some time feeling so horrible? in such a horrible fantasy world?

no, but it could be a good project, a good test. . . a good experiment. . . an exercise. 

ugh, a horror sci-fi paranoia novel
exactly what i don’t like
what i’m tired of
oh, and fights of good against evil resulting in wars to save the world
that too
nope.
….

so i wrote 1300 words of a story
did some research
and then retired for the night 

why write it?
there is some sort of satisfaction to write all the hateful and paranoid impulses of the mind
”better out there than in here!”

maybe i will write more tomorrow 

43.26 


i don’t need to be writing more. i need to be editing old writings
hrmph.




thoughts written from transcription today:


theory of life struggle believe involving will power defeat/impossibility


in transcribing from the red 3mo journal this evening
i read something that reminded me of 
this idea in the Yamas or Niyamas of yoga
that the yogi does not need possessions 
because everything is provided for by Ishvara


i wondered if 
somehow
some vow i made to enlightenment 
freedom
moksha, whatever
has put me in this place where i can have the whole world and so many things to do, opportunities, things
amazing
yes


but i cannot willfully make things happen
it always seems to be blocked
unless i’m being of service to someone else
and even then
often i don’t do it


. . . 
so 
that sounds like a bullshit excuse
or i should just pray to ganesha or something
but it is a belief i have about myself and have had for a long time 


i was writing about how Acts driven by Ego have caused me great misery and suffering
and thought
i must have made some sort of energetic block to prevent me from Ego satisfaction through Ego actions 
or perhaps other beings did it
as a blessing
to prevent me from attachment and further delusion and willful ignorance (avidya)
‘


///: from these passages:


Oh, something arose in the last sit: the insight of Awakening & No More Rebirth (Liberation) 
Being An “OLD Soul” The Net that binds me to Samsara is very complex. every life it gets more intricate & i have had Many. . . So there is No unraveling consciously. there is no figuring it all out. it’s way too deep. However, the root of all karmas are Ignorance: The Truth IS: This is All An Illusion. All of it is and has always been (i mourned, yesterday. . . & even today, turned away from having to give up The Lover. The Other which the whole Dance is With. The Other, the Lover, is just as illusory as everything else: “Everything i do: i do it for you. YOU” 
Sorry Buddy - No one Here. No one There. . . ) 
[no one but these horses][nobody but these monkeys]
So. WAKING UP ENTIRELY shatters all of the Ignorance, thus Destroying all the seeds of Karma. No Karma. . . No Potential Karma. Nothing To Bring You Back to Samsara. . . I imagine that when that happens & your Body dies.. there is an equally long process Awakening from the Subtle Body? &  The Inner body?  Layers….
Yoga attempts to unify them all & do away with them in one fell swoop. so does Buddhism. 
is it just  POOF: Lights Out? (after a long Hallucinatory reliving of everything - or floating out & away & under [shade]?)
i imagine it’s like DMT - cease to Exist. - until the craving returns & all of the Prakriti re-form. i still don’t understand the point of getting free & leaving the Machinery Running . . . but then, that’s not up to us - we have to let it go. . . & if our purusha does get entangled again it will have no relation to us. . . except that all beings are related & all is one. 


/


ooooo - reading the Doctrine of karma in YUSP now - i realize that i used to identify & often speak of being an agent of the universe. . . though i still had passions & desires & was entangled. . . i was actively, naïvely, renouncing them. Deciding to settle in New York was an act of Ego - Thus more Karmas ripened. . . & yet. . . i was still not free to act as my Ego. . . as i had seen many times before. . . which is what led me to the Wandering Life. i cannot write the book of my life because it is not the will of which ever god i am beholden to & the conditions aren’t fit for it: not an option, really: thus: hasn’t happened. though the Ego, in its special Ego time (Birthday window) has circumvented it slightly. . . the full intention has not manifested. . . & probably will not. & its mostly confusion, Delusion & suffering anyway. . . so would probably hurt anyone who read it more than free them. Ah, to renounce writing would free me a great deal more: Does Anyone ( Besides this Ego - who doesn’t Exist ) Benefit from these writings? 


../ 


Thus, Heather Booth was an Angel that Delivered me back to Yoga. . . which i smiled by Stealing the book. . . & have since Perverted into an Ego attribute. . . as it has been Perverted by Samsara into an Ego/commerce Market, making it more difficult to use for liberation from Samsara because The key to Liberation has become Entangled in the web of Bondage. 


/


as i was leaving the room (i just got back from a walk) i noticed my story is so often that prodigal son shit - oh, fallen from Grace - o - redeemed! oh, to be Pure again! Give it up!
i talked with Mom, forgetting today is the day before “Thanksgiving” - she always has meltdowns around holidays - so she was having one.  i told her to drop Karen & be God. she told me i had to give her the Tools! i reminded her i had left instructions on her voicemail a month ago for Metta Meditation - which she completely ignored, & told her, again, to get & read TBoL&D. i told her she needs to stop casting Larry as the Badguy, That she should look at him for a few months as if she’d never met him. She should think of him as her bird feeder: often there is nothing there, though she fills it with seed (and an open heart) & sometimes the squirrels come & eat the seed (when he’s purposefully mean) but she needs to not —— the squirrels & love the birds. focus on loving the Birds. Look him with Love. . . he is God, same as she - i told her the 5 daily reflections. she didn’t like them & fought with me over 2 & got depressed over 4. . . i reminded her they are facts of all Human’s lives & accepting them will set her free from the fear of them & encourage her to put aside Hatred and appreciate the time she has. Then i called Louis & talked with hi a bit. Family Drama. An opportunity to Love. in walking, i noticed i was thinking/feeling like this in 2011. . . when i was doing Zen Meditation thanks to Marc, come to think of it…. & early in the helping Leo Die experience. . . before reaturning to NYC & having my breakdown, Maybe. . . so i guess that was end of 2010! so, yeah, these three months have, apparently, undone, in part, the Tamasic degradation i’ve been suffering these last 5 years. i read Anya Khema’s book a few days ago. “each negative thought degrades the mind. “‘i hate this, i don’t want to, i can’t, i’ll never. . . ‘ they all weaken the person . . . (BNGN.P169) - i really feel i should read the last two chapters of that book every day. . . Then probably every chapter. still makes me cry. 


/

43.25 - it looks like it’s all flowers, can’t ignore the beauty. . . our gardens, sister’s gardens, two other friends’ gardens! it’s so nice to appreciate all the beauty. . . and the torrential rains today, many times. . .  also packing. . . also traveling. . . also having friends over to pick our herbs for their own potioning . . . feeding them from our bounty. . . what joy. pretty good day then, yeah. . .