Leaving Ptown today
i was wracked with sadness
terrible feeling
like i was making a horrible mistake: Leaving.
like i was leaving love behind
somehow
losing something…
every step i took away felt the same thing
in Boston
after the second client
heading into the bus station
the same pull/pang
What is this?
who is it?
i didn’t fall in love this week…
oh, but i wanted to..
there were certainly a few
in the streets
not the beach
in the streets
in the bars
in the…
those fucking hungry ghosts
gnawing at my heels
the deamons of gay culture
begging for the perfect wife/husband
to save my life.
“but ya gotta have Devotion”
even the bus station says to me
i get here at 7:45 and have to buy a ticket for 9pm
i walk to the train station: no better option
and when i get back
at quarter after 8
the line is just as long as it was before
but now
for the 9pm bus
tons of people heading to New York City
where we all wanna be
now we’re getting in at 2 am if we’re lucky
will the roads be open?
i’m going to have to get cabs anyway if i’m going to want to make the show i wanted to see tonight
yet again
paying 10 or 15$ to only see a few moments of someone
late night performers
dancing
all the gay boys
it’s busy
this life is busy…
but yeah, i decline
i mean
i’m sorry
that is
no, i’m not spending adequate time enriching myself
not with the Networking (spinal body work)
not with the piano lessons
or language classes
no
i’m not being devotional to myself
or my lover
i hear him
and i hear Eli saying
“it will not work like that, dominic:
you will not find a lover that will make you stop having sex with the multitudes…
you will have to stop first and then the lover will come to you”
and rumi whispers
“YOU MUST ASK FOR WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
—- DON’T GO BACK TO SLEEP —-”
and i’m not being devotional
but i’m sitting of the floor of the bus station at 25 past 20 waiting
not really out of devotion
but because
sometimes
ya just have to wait
anything else would be a mistake
Right?
what is that tug?
i’m on the ferry leaving Ptown
a very strange feeling
one that i KNOW many people are familiar with
but i haven’t felt for about 10 years
(well, the last time i remember feeling it: it was very strong… returning from England)
that… Leaving Magic feeling.
Vacation.
i guess i just took a Vacation.
Weird.
Back to EveryDayLife.
Well, people did a good job of making me feel better
(laughs)
i was feeling very insecure the whole week
what can i say?
i’m a jealous guy…
it’s embarrassing, but true
[perhaps another good reason i’m not partnered]
being with Stephen was great
like having a brother there
a sister
a companion
and, though not a rival
but another option.
he felt something similar
commenting many times on how everyone we met together lumped us together
both not easily classifiable
people assigned us each other’s traits all the time.
i’m the more extreme
so people often enjoying talking with me
and i’m the more forward
so i went out and grabbed the ones in front of me
but he has a different sort of Fortune than i
or
certainly did this weekend
and got to play with a few guys that i’d really WANTED to play with… just couldn’t get it together with
it’s all in the timing…
and seeing that we’ve know SO many men in common
i’m sure this is not the first time or the last time…
he’s already had more substantial relationships with a few guys i wish i could have
— just came along a few years too late
but HEY!
that’s what friends are for.
Still…
i feel sad.
being in the house i was staying at was kinda sad.
we were staying with a friend that we both knew slightly
who had a bit of turmoil
his house was a crazy wreck
the first day we arrived
we went through the “guest room”
which was his Past Lover’s Studio (he’d killed him self almost two years ago)
the artwork was incredibly painful and unsettling for me
schizophrenic hallucinations and writing scrawled on the walls
— cigarettes biting bloody fingers with Nicotine Patches on the arms and other bitten and bandaged fingers…
i reiki’d the room
i smudged it
but the whole house had it…
i should have done better…
ahh. the emotional sways.
lust and longing…
i kissed a few people
did a massage in the bar last night
shoulders, chest, arms and hands
then my heart-connection reiki thing
this guy was so open and sweet
cancer, birthday tomorrow
connect
connect
…
i wish i could connect with everything all the time!
(laughs/cries)
another nice moment
S and D and i were walking around town
… Wednesday
the wind was really heavy
and it was a bit cold!
D took us to a friend of his guest house
who had a hot tub!
i flirted with this handsome man from Montana
and he got in the tub with us…
we all just kinda talked and cuddled and soaked
then S and i kinda stumbled over him
getting his number
and flirting
i felt kinda bad for D
but… he dealt.
and there was this really handsome guy i saw on the street
i thought he was straight..
just had that look to him..
but … He wasn’t!
i courted him for a while to make sure
then he made himself pretty clear
and asked me back to his room for some wine
(alright!)
(laughs)
good sex (four times!)
and good cuddling
which is what i wanted that day anyway…
the only time i played in a bed..
the rest of my sex this week was at Herring Cove
the nude beach…
just walking the dunes…
doing… Community Service…
over 10 different guys in the three days i was there…
i LOVE sex out in nature!
and i got to show off, do yoga back bends (always makes them cum pretty quick)
and even found a beautiful italian man to connect with
cuddle
swim in the waves
— ahhh..
“but i’m a married man”
Yes…
Last night
i made it a late night..
standing outside of Spiritus Pizza
flooded by all these bears
some i knew from Europe… NYC…
mondragon
came up to me and introduced himself
so as to keep me from feeling invisible
(as i’d expressed at the begining of the week in my LJ)
which i thought was very sweet
and he knew another guy i had spent the evening talking with
who was friends with his lover
Small world
a guy i used to talk with on a line a lot
who’s from the town i lived in in England when i was 17
Newcastle-upon-Tyne
showed up
we talked and hugged
and i walked home
feeling like i was missing something
but… having to accept
what i got.
Yeah.
so i’m in p-town
Ptown
ProvienceTown
yeah.
caught a bus from NYC up to Providence, RI
got a ride from a friend of a friend of mine from there…
turns out he’s a friend of many of my friends:
we’re paralelle boys in the world of bears
yeah
another
brother
alright.
went to the beach
went to the house
cleaned out a room to make a guest room for ourselves
then headed out to the town…
— it’s been a long time since i’ve been so agressively ignored…
people would stare at me
and when i felt it
turned to look at them
they’d look away
it became a comedy act
i commented on this to my friends
and they said
“oh, it’s the Boston Compulsion– everyone is so fucking insecure… generally, though, the more attitude… the more they ignore you the more they want you”
yeah, played that game before.
a guy i talked with on line before coming out here said this:
“GREETINGS DOMINIC .
THANKS FOR YOUR MESSASGE . WONDERFUL PROFILE . VERY HANDSOME AND SEXY . I AM PREETY SHY WHEN IT COMES TO “CLOSING THE DEAL” SOOOO . IT WOULD BE NICE TO MEET YOU … AND WE WILL SEE HOW WE FEEL … I AM IN NEED OF TACTILE ATTENTION . MY TYPE “BODY” IS NOT APPRECIATED HERE ON THE PENINSULA OF BROKEN BOYS … SO SUPERFICIAL . IT SADDENS ME AT TIMES … IT MAKES MY DAY WHEN SOMEONE LIKE YOURSELF FINDS MEN LIKE MYSELF ATTRACTIVE . ”
it instantly clicked over to “the island of broken boys” in my head
which i didn’t remember where that came from
S said “Ruolph the Red Nose Reindeer…. you know, with Burl Ives?”
both of us, syncopated, murmered
“Big Daddy”
i often hear that
in love
we are not supposed to correct
or fix
eachother
just accept eachother for who we are
and help eachother live…
Yeah?
well
i agree to a certain extent
BUT
there is no point in being in eachother’s life but to enrich it
— well, maybe just witness eachother…
but subtle help
support..
positive loving growth!
better than just watching eachother dissapear into our nerosis…
enabling our co-dependance
common, love..
common.
i just went through and wrote all the stuff that’s been happening with me…
NYC keeps me busy
sometimes i’m too tired to write about it..
but i always feel better when i do…
backdated the last few days… back to the 3rd, i think…
i woke up at about 5:30
with my Injun friend
the night before
i cooked him and Hypnodaddy dinner
Kitchari, of course
… and salad.
then we retired to the bed
i smoked cigarettes
the first in over a month
it made me feel tired
and odd in my body
what might have been a night of sex magic
turned into conversation
and i got in-depth into my ideas of “love”
and the difficulties of what i perceive of B and A’s relationship
yet the respect i have…
we talked about my freak-out idea about those on the planet that have sold their souls…
he tells me about Harry Hay’s ideas about “subject/object”
— the big problem with western culture is
they turn everything they want to exploit into an object made for the exploitation
be it a glass
or mountain
or nation of people
or wife, children, employees, etc…
as he talked like that
life’s colour drained out
everything was gray
and i wanted to die
then he started talking how the injun’s thought:
the glass was a gift
we give thanks
so glad it holds the water for us
the doll is alive
because we give it life
everything is alive because we respect it’s life
and if we give it enough life
that doll could get up and walk around…
Yes.
everything became palpably happy again.
he said
“but currently the world is a mess… i hope some elightened beings come along soon and clear this all up…”
laying in bed…
i tell him
i’ve always believed i should be that enlightened being who saves the world
(“in an intersteller burst: i’m back to save the universe”)
i tell him
i believe it’s only through love that that can happen
loving someone
perfecting myself for them
with him
they perfecting themselves for me
with me
for themselves…
as i: for myself.
:
we could do more with love together than we could ever alone…
but how can we make that happen?
i really see no good examples of that…
and all my lovers freaked out and ran scared from me
or dissapeared in a drunken sleep every night..
.. i have open hands now
i don’t do that any more…
he… he said that to
“no, i don’t do that anymore”
at that
we went to sleep.
woke at 5:30 or so
and i was struck by either my body keeping me from something
or his body keeping me from it…
so it was cuddling and talking
more story telling
and i drifted back into dreaming
woke around noon
and did yoga
for him to see
than jumped on the train
deciding not to go home and change
just went up to the garden in the bronx to work…
bridget wasn’t there
she didn’t show up til 5:30
and by that time
i had to leave soon to meet my Jewish Friend of the night…
but while i worked in the garden
i listened to Erlend Oye’s DJ Kicks album
Rilo Kiley
some of the new Verve Remixed..
Broken Social Scene
and Apostle of Hustle…
still caught up so much in Feist’s “Intuition”
… my brother called
and asked me if i would officate over his wedding…
is there a way i could become an official clergyman so i could marry him and his fiance?
i said i would look into it…
i am listed on two Escort sites on the internet.
though i have had a hand full of responses
(not really many… probably 10 or 15 in the year or so i’ve had them up there)
i had never met up with a client in that way…
though it has always interested me
the story of the hustler…
i just haven’t ever been able to pull it off…
that being said
i get calls nearly every day
often more than one
from my massage ad
i don’t count that as escorting..
though i am serving
i am in control
and the emphasis is not on sex…
i feel it is
in a way
healing and helping people work out their things
as opposed to them just working themselves further into them.
most of the replies i’ve had to my escort ads have been very “scene” heavy
— a friend of mine hustles from time to time
and he seems to realy enjoy the character acting aspect of it
— i can’t get into it..
“tie me up and tickle me”
“come over and let me fuck you for three hours: be my bitch”
(shrugs)
sometimes i’ll reply to them
and not hear back after whatever it is i write.
more oft than not
i just don’t reply.
…
SO some guy writes me… last week?
one sentance
“i wold like to meet you”
i reply
‘ what do you want?’
“im a jaw and I would like a message and you knew worth I mane”
hmmm
what
exactly
does he mean?
it takes a few days
but eventually i get him on the phone:
he’s a hessidic jew
he tells me he’s uncomfortable with paying for lust
so i ask him if he wants a massage or just sex
he says
“sex– -we’ll see what else happens”
i tell him he doesn’t have to pay me for anything:
of course… i WANT to have sex with him
and if i don’t have to work in a concentraded manner (massage)
he has no reason to pay me.
so we arrange it for tonight.
he left about an hour ago…
of course
he was adorable…
long beautiful payes
long beautiful beard
customarily chubby
thick accent
ideal…
fortunately
bridget didn’t come back to the house tonight
— he was going to take me out to dinner
then a hotel room..
maybe his house?
(his family is upstate for the summer…)
i convince him bridget won’t care even if she does come home…
so he gets us food from a Kosher resaurant not too far from here
and we take it back up stairs…
i’m shy about how messy the apartment is..
wouldn’t be usually…
but hessidic jews have a way of keeping things…
— he just seemed interested…
he looked so cute when he smiled…
we took off our clothes
i put on his tzises
we kissed
— his furr made a perfect line down his belly
broad large shoulders..
hairy..
he said he’d never cum more than once a day
is it possible?
i told him it was!
he said i should make him cum before dinner
and then after!
so i did!
however
i couldn’t just rush through it
i had to kiss him everywhere
rub my beard allover him
uncurl his beard
take off his yamaka
kiss him and kiss him
he told me he loved me
and wanted to hear me say it
so i did
there was lots of rubbing around
yes yes..
he came
we went to eat
matza ball soup, sesame chicken and steak and knish with a frank in the middle!
enough for now
he wanted to see my porn movie
so i put it on
while he wore my pink-robe/dress thing to protect himself from the neighbors seeing…
he said it turned him on
hard again
i sucked his dick, as he suggested
then took him back to my bed.
once again
i got distracted from just making him cum..
i don’t care about just making people cum
i want to taste everything
lick around
rub around
i want to make them feel so happy to be alive…
— he really likes being fucked
he’s never fucked a man
(but he has 5 children…)
(he’s 33)
i tell him i don’t often use condems
and he’s a bit freaked out about that..
he doesn’t know much
but he knows AIDS kills people
though he’s not really sure what it is
he was told you get it from having sex without condoms.
Well, yes.. but..
i start juggling the ideas around
telling him my beliefs about it
while i’m wrapt up in his legs
with my head resting on his thigh
i tell him every interraction with people is risky
i lick his balls for a while
suck his dick
he says he doesn’t want me to get into any trouble
i tell him
sometimes we need to get into trouble to have a full life
he says he doesn’t want me to ever get into any trouble
he says he loves me
and he’s concerned…
he says he doesn’t want me to have any sex with anyone but him
i tell him that would only be possible if he would fuck me and let me fuck him
without condoms
and i would get tested
only then would i agree to being monogamous with him
he says
“what’s monogamous?”
i suck his dick
and lick his legs
chew on his heel
rest my head on his thigh
rubbing his belly
he says
“so, if two men get tested and are clean and have sex with eachother there is no way they can get AIDS, right?”
inside i give a really big sigh.
i start many different ways
i try and explain that there is a difference between HIV and AIDS
i try to explain that it started somewhere…
and my theory is
is started in the guilt and lies and shame of men abusing themselves and their lovers…
he doesn’t understand “abuse”
(and later, when i’m massaging him, i ask him to tell me if i hurt him… he says “but when it hurts it’s good, right? my mother said that’s how you know it’s working: when it hurts”)
i try and explain…
i feel him just worrying him
he asks
“is there any way i could get anything from you?”
i give the answer
‘even a blow job is risky’
and that changes everything.
when he cums
he says “slow slow! it hurts!”
afterwards
he asks me to explain why it feels like he’s dying after he cums…
i try and talk about prana yama
trantra
there is so much to say!
i’m trying to confront him
trying to make him understand there is a spiritual aspect to sex..
the difference of “making love”
but i feel now he’s regretful and scared
he wants to leave
but he has a pain in his arm..
i offer to massage it
and i do
i lay him down
and begin working on him
and only then notice his bulging calves
his stubby finger
wide palms, thick skin.
how his beard flies out from his cheeks
his eyes…
his bull-neck
the massage is very painful for him
but he suffers through it
he breathes like a dragon
i try to understand
i try to fortify
i try to help release…
his eyes are red
he looks like a baby
he’s beautiful
so much is coursing through him
i’m worried about his safety on the road home…
though he only lives over the bridge…
i finish and notice he’s hard again
and tell him i would suck his dick again, but he has to drive home
he tells me i can do it
he’s never noticed it made him tired..
he picks up the American Grizzly magazine that the cover-guy had given to me down in florida
and leafs through it
asking me to suck him off yet again
so i cum this time
and he cums again
we talk a bit more
his face looks like Goat
his shoulders
the hair on his back
his neck
so hot
so…
otherworldly..
what do we do with these people?
we go to have desert.
he won’t dink my tea
(fresh catnip i gatherd from the garden today)
not kosher cups
can’t drink the water out of the cups
can’t use my utensils
we eat desert
with plastic forks
apple strudel
he checks to make sure there is no possible risk…
i smile and tell him there is none
could i teach anything?
i think now of the married men i know who play and don’t think about it
they don’t want to have to think about it
there is no risk
no worry
not for us
if i bring it up
they blink it away
or don’t respond
which i don’t feel is appropriate
i feel like you have to be aware of the fire
even if you’re deciding you’re not going to fall into it
just deciding it’s not there…
i know that works for many
but that’s not my way
i’m sorry i brought it up though…
but that’s who i am!
i bring it up!
whatever it is…
and i’m not sorry.
but there’s not a hug before he leaves…
a hand shake
” a pleasure meeting you ”
and all of that enthusiasm waned
he heads home
“do you remember where my car is?”
i don’t usually go out on mondays…
but bridget asked me if i’d work with her in the garden…
so i acquiesced to it…
then we realized it was the fourth of July!
she had parties to attend..
i called my friends…
N didn’t answer
and never called me back..
C’s number was busy
and i got a call from R, the cuban, waking me up from my mid-morning nap…
so
forgoing my friends and parties
i went to Queens to see R, a man i met down in Florida at the Celebration of friends…
i won’t give too much detail on this one
but he’s 69
well hung, uncut
naturally able to keep it up … better than pretty much anyone i’ve ever been with before
he fucked me for about five hours on and off
he came twice
made me cum four times
and i was totally exhausted afterwards
intenses passionate sexual connection
HOT
yeah!
(where is the love?)
i feel like i’ve had a good connection with god lately..
i was sitting around yesterday and said
“i need to get some massage work, i need to make some money”
and three people called me in a row to set up appointments.
one that night
two the next day
then i set up another with a regular…
while working on the first last night
i remembered how much i LOVE giving massages
but that i shouldn’t give three in a day..
when i was finished
my first client of the next day had called and cancelled…
Thanks
=== instant manifestation [: be careful]
the next morning i woke early and headed out to Jamaica to attend a reformed Hindu ritual and service
the preacher had found me on the massage site
and was interested in meeting me
i felt out of place there…
the only one not wearing a kurpa
the only one not Indian…
but it was an interesting experience
afterwards
i was so tired
not having slept much
i smiled at everyone
enjoyed the Namaste’s they all bestowed–
the preacher introduced me to the entire congregation as “a yogi”
as the crowd thinned
i found a corner to lie in sivasana
die out and rest…
he woke me as everyone was gone
and we went to his room to talk…
eventually he asked for a massage
and i got him to strip
cute little man
beautiful
i massaged his back..
i could tell he’d never had that…
so then i cuddled with him
he got sexual
so i got into that energy with him
and
importantly
after he’d cum
i curled up with him
and held him for a while
talking with him
he dodged my lips when i kissed as his
“i’ve never kissed a man”
but i kept doing it…
he blinked his big eyes at me
“you are SO full of love!”
he paid me a bit “for my time”
and i ran to my other client…
who
oddly
had the same birthday as my regular client i was to see afterwards
November 30th…
which is pretty much a perfect opposition to my sun.
we fell through the massage
with his eyes so heavy and longing on me
into sex
the whole time i felt dissapointed and uncomfortable
i didn’t want to have sex
though he was a handsome man..
i just wanted to massage him…
when it was over
i left tired and unhappy..
& a message on my phone from Frank Martin telling me he’d just seen my very Loud Cum Shot in the new Bear Party video
i bought some Adana Kebab and Lebni
and got on the train up to central park
crawled into the forest
and sat with a tree
(i feel like i want to cry)
it took everything
it gave me everything
such an exquisite lover
is set me on my feet again
and i set off to my regular client…
the massage was going along as usual
nice conversation
nice work
then , second arm, we were quiet
and i conjured up the magic…
he started shivering
the rest of the massage
he was undulating
he was whimpering
it was amazing
he was so fucking high after the massage
nothing particularly sexual about the massage
but he said it felt like he kept orgasming coninually
he gave me a $100 tip…
i walked back into the park
and thanked the trees before i went back to the apartment…
Yeah
i’ve been having trouble winning games
it’s just not as easy…
flowing
like it should be.
i keep getting the cards i want
after it’s too late
can only turn that deck over so many times.
Here at the house where Dani came when he was 15
maybe we’d be friends
if i’d played my cards right
he’d be here hanging out with me
here in New York City
if only before i’d played the cards that played out my relationship with Eli
somehow shifted the time
to be here before he left.
— i want a lover at my finger tips
a lover of body and soul
mouth and ear
the mind
the heart
i’m turning over the deck
flicking through the cards
and they just aren’t what i need.
— s’alright
there’s always something beautiful (and un-related) commin’ round the corner…
Off to Peru in November, yeah
San Francisco in August
with the wind
India in August?
India in December?
Istanbul?
Indiana?
— i was telling him about how i have to have faith
have to
it’s what i got…
he said i’ve got amazing confidance
says i talk it true
from my heart
found a world view that works for me
Yeah, yeah it’s true
yeah
but i’ve got my doubts…
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