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lots of green hill sides
a tall man in his 50s
played by Tony’s friend Benjamin
was excited to reprise his famous song
which I woke as remembering as “if you leave” by OMD
but in the dream it had even more falsetto
and he was from Flock of Seagulls

some large city event
or the christening of a new building
or perhaps convention commune

I felt like I wanted to be close to him
perhaps despite his fame

I woke up with that song in my head
thinking if the challenges of an old voice sounding so young

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Koos uses the word “sympathetic” in a way that many Europeans do
using it often to describe objects
I grew up using it only to describe a way of people being with people

he gave me this hat
saying a new one looks tacky
but an old one is sympathetic
as are old shoes, clothes, etc

for things to be sympathetic they must be broken in
worn well
lived it
affected by life
resonant

broken in
I find I am sympathetic with him
in that those I most find my attentions drawn to are those who are broken in
worn by the spirit well
creased, scuffed, frayed

how beautiful
what has be so loved by life
to be used well

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I’ve come to love the philtrum

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whatever happened to…
whatever happened to us?
whatever happened?
whatever happened you?
oh…
whatever.

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woke me up
horrible dream by which was represented the rich and wealthy devouring the life of the poor

ended with being trapped in a bathroom with a woman and her wooly black ram, silvery horns
it was her partner
or a manifestation
the whole dream went through long stories
theater, movies, tours
different people
strangers
famous people
close friends
in various ways
showing people living their lives
showing them dying
showing them getting killed
watching them dying in front of me
watching their life get drained and exchanged into the “more fortunates” in front of me
then, of course, having them kill the friend I was with in front of me and take his life
then try me
too gory and horrifying to relate it all
but I’ll tell my end that woke me up
I got knocked out
woke up in a trailer bathroom
the deamon was on the floor
in the shape of a woman
I was laying on a cramped bench thing
all tacky shitty plastic Formica ambiance
I woke up and said
.am I dead?
she smiled and said
.yes… well, not yet, but you’re good as: you will be soon.
I looked up and the ram was standing on a shelf above me and stepped down onto me and tried to hook his horn round my back to rip out my kidney
I fought it off and she smiled a sad tired smile as if she wished it would just be over
shaking her head slowly “no” as if saying “there is no fighting it”
the ram stepped down on me again and ripped a huge gash in my back and side
but I still fought it off
she laughed
but I knew she was right
I was dead now
the next time the ram stepped down onto me
I grabbed his horn and pulled it down with all my might
the ram flipped over and smashed on the floor
shattering
bits of black hair, silver metal, bones, fur and jelly exploding everywhere
the woman was stunned
I jumped up and kicked her face in
striping the skin off
she was screaming
I grabbed a broken rib bone from the beast and gouged her eyes out with the jagged end of it
and said
.All’s fair, right? enjoy your opulence.
or something about revenge
or something else sarcastic
anyway, I turned to leave
feeling horrible pain in my left back
(I feel it now in my clenching muscles)
and realized I was going to die
but they would not now devour my soul
I would get as far away from her suffering corpse as my life would carry me so she could not feed on my death

but then I woke up
afraid of the dark
cotton mouth

ugh.

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I look so terribly silly in this picture!
(I thought –oh no! like Trent again!–)

I just finished listening to the third Harry Potter book, read by Stephen Fry
and I finally get why it was all such a sensation
the first two books were pretty flat
this one opened up past three dimensions and was quite inspiring

also
I’ve become more aware of the act of dealing with negative energy
a term I’ve often thought of as "weeding my garden"
stuck in my head as I walked around yesterday, the lyric "dirty old shadow stay away from me, I am older now I see – the way you operate: if you don’t hurt me than you die. oaum. oaum."

it’s not about weeding the garden
seeking out the bad things and rooting the up purposely and perfectly
it’s about enjoying the beauty and being grateful for the blessings

the shit and shambles dry up if they don’t get nourishment
and what gives light to the sun
but your’s and mine attention
and what full the clouds with rain
but our pain?

dance and smile, lovers
I’ve remembered for a moment!

now to sleep.

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I slept at least ten hours, probably more
I wonder if i will start to feel more human again soon…

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