while waiting for Jeff to do some business on line
i photographed some jolly gondoliers…
the grace and beauty are omnipresent
while Jeff and i walked around
we found this beautiful view from a bridge
Standing here
this beautiful view found us
no words exchanged
we just took pictures of eachother
but still, i had to put Jeff against a wall to face him…
our magnificent and silly audiance was not impressed
i often take life too seriously…
when things should Just Be Pleasure….
on my own again
to find hmmmmmmmmmmm
i searched everywhere
i was not the only hunter…
it was hard to find what we we wanted…
the only thing around was Beauty
that could not be caught.
after our beautiful dinner
which i did not photograph
but i assure you
i drank plenty…
i’m sure this was the colour of my eyes..
it’s easy
why bother?
it’s so peaceful in our little alley
go to sleep after 3
wake up at 9
move around the house slowly
while i fiddle with how to attach my ipod to the TV so i can listen to PJ Harvey’s “Pocket Knife”
hubby goes out to fetch fresh bread
above the call of duty
he gets ham and cheese and eggs
makes an omelet-y thing that makes us both so happy
why bother doing anything?
we’re living in venice
outside the window
it’s just the sound of women washing dishes
after the lunch is over
rooms filled with clinking sounds
and the round singing of Italian
why bother going out to see the city
it’s low tide
and i stand against an ancient building
to check my email
5minutes outdoors
then back in the apartment to have siesta
wake from the dreaming
feeling warm
cuddle
cum
dream of lovers
dream of magic
change the world.
last night i read an email friends sent me
and this morning it all seems so comical [and sensible]
: what we call “HIV” has always existed
and causes no problems
it’s being used as a random scapegoat
to shame people by the vestiges of puritanical body-hate-mongers
into killing themselves and furthering their cause of crushing the joys of the senses
and those who chose to live as Hedonists
fuck them anyway: we’re free
how do i convince the rest of the world to take hold of my hand and fly?
i gotta show off more.
gotta believe more…
as the effects of the meditaional-maturbational-sex assimilates into my being
i
yet again
imagine years of study and practice
training my mind to perceive and palpate the gentle fabric of our reality
more and more i realize my child-hood passion of being a Wizard is not out of reach
but needs not the props i once imagined..
but i need training, yes
more yoga
more meditation
the buddhists can help
the yogis can help
but i need to do most of the work myself
my sweet lord: how in the world will i ever beat this fear and open my door?
it doesn’t matter
jeff is sleeping again
his hand on my knee
we live in Venice now
in our little apartment right off Santa Marina palazzo
today
we’ll get our reservations for greece
whatever we might imagine we’d want to do there
we’ll walk around
have a fancy dinner at a fancy restaurant
we’ll spend the day walking around the city
going no where
doing nothing
and being amazed by everything
it’s venice
a construct
a complete work of art
it’s alive
it’s old
but all alive things die
so that’s alright
it’s part of the cycle
and i’ve always loved mature men
Thank you,Venice
i love you too.
…
when we eventually left the house
we headed to the internet cafe…
there was a response from the ferry people
we replied tell him them it sounded good
then i left jeff to do some online banking while i photographed gondoliers from the bridge right out the door..
when i went back in
jeff told me the ferry people got right back to us
our own private agent
Tilly
she told us there were no more outside cabins left for that day
sorry
but there were inside cabins she could sell us
but the office closed in 10 minutes
so we better decide
eesh!
we tried to work something
said we’d call her
but we couldn’t figure out how the international phone worked..
jeff tried about three times before i stepped in
and asked the guy working there
and he explained
but by that time
she had left the office
so
how are we getting there?
there are two travel agents in town
so we set off to see what we could find..
got lost in the streets…
then found ourselves
right in front of one of the travel agent’s…
but the other one was American Express
and i needed to exchange some money to pay Jeff a bit for the apartment:
and i was out of cash anyway..
i figured the American express office would give us the best deal
because jeff was a card carrier…
we looked around
asked shop keepers
they were happy to help us
the rush and crush of all the tourists
it was driving us crazy
but we got the money exchanged:
and no
they could not help us with the ferries
so we walked back up to the other tourist office
easy enough to find
but sorry
they don’t do ferries
alright.
we’ll just go there early tomorrow
Jeff says he wants to be the first people there so we can make sure we get things lined up..
maybe they’ll know more than the internet people
or the other line..
there are two ferry lines to greece…
so
anyway
from there
we just went walking
walking around
the other things we wanted to do today:
buy some DVDs
buy some absinth
and be back to the apartment in time for our fancy dinner…
so we head off looking
looking through the city
the beautiful city
the winding streets
i’m figuring it out
and the water is beautiful and green
no place selling absinth that we can find
but there is a guy who has his own wine shop
meaning
he makes wine
there are about 20 casks in the room
plus bottles, of course
i buy two bottles of beer:
that grimbergen i saw in spain and wanted
and an italian one..
jeff buys a bottle of wine
and i buy a plastic water bottle full of one of his brews
some blend i’ve never heard of before
next door
i buy some bread with olives in it
the DVD deal is strange
renting sounds like it’d be trouble
so we decide to just buy
after looking through the bargain bin for a while
we decide just to buy two normal DVDs
we both want to see “Finding Neverland”
but can’t decide on the second title
so Jeff picks something with John Cusak called “Serendipity”
which looks like some romanic comedy to me..
but hey..
it’s fine
we’ve got our wares
and we’re walking towards home
we stop at a particularily beautiful bridge
and i pull out my camera to take pictures
Jeff rolls his eyes and says “here we go”
what?
i turn around
and there is the most beautiful guy there…
stocky, fit
thick bearded
bear!
glasses
back pack
and he’s obviously interested in us
but why do you have to be like that, jeff?
it’s embarrassing
yet it would be so fun to talk with this guy
i smile and nod
take a picture of him
but we don’t talk
as he can feel the awkwardness
and Jeff is all rolling his eyes
and walks off
i shrug my shoulders and follow him
this is why i hate “boy friends”
i’m just not meant for this kind of relating
when i see a beautiful man i want to feel free to talk with him
not necessarily fuck him
but if he’s interested
there’s nothing wrong with talking
is there?
grrrr
i find jeff
and try and talk with him about this
and he dismisses it
saying he knows how i am
but we made a deal!, i said
i’m not going to have sex with him
but i could have at least talked with him
we could have been human
you didn’t need to get jealous just because of my attraction…
it doesn’t matter
we’re close to home
so we walk back
stopping in to a church
just for a moment
that huge ceiling
wide space
even here in Venice
it feels even stronger
it’s beautiful
the kids are playing kick ball against the door…
we walk home
and i give him all my bags
… but i carry around the wine bottle i’ve been drinking from
i tell him i am off to find absinth
and it’s really hard
but no
i don’t go looking for that cute bear
i go looking for the store we passed the first day we came into town
because i remember seeing the Absinth bottles in the window…
and
after being lost on the quay side
passing a million beautiful men
a million beautiful buildings
drinking my wine
eating my olive bread
buying some fruit at a local stand
ha ha
i find the store
it’s a butcher store with wine and liquors…
and both of the guys who were there are incredibly cute
ok, now i’m in full on cruise mode
it’s terrible.
i try and snap some pictures
but decide not to buy the absinth
it’s €30 a bottle
which means it’s just tourist fare
and it doesn’t look all that good
two types from the Czech republic that are filled with artificial colours
one from Italy, torino… but it’s just so dolled up
i skip it
buy some cheese and beef salami
watch the men with their big beards and big forearms
smile at me uncomfortably
i buy some more chocolate
and absinth pastiches
then head home:
it’s time to be back!
we have dinner reservations!
in the apartment
i notice i’m obviously a bit drunkish…
i lay down
and jeff says
Let’s go!
i put on my nice green shirt
with the red underneath
tuck in
look nice…
so we walk down and around the corner
it’s a very fancy restaurant
and the room is almost empty when we sit down..
right next to a dutch couple
those heterosexual dutch couples… so weird..
they’re looking through the menu
don’t know what to order
i can half-understand what they’re saying
and miss amsterdam…
we quickly decide on a fixed meal
the second one
the chef’s raw sea food plates
interesting
ok.
oh
i wish i could remember everything
but i’m served a bubbly aperitif
then a bottle of blush
as i eat
what was that?
squid ink and something
then raw prawns, with a touch of lime
and slices of tuna with pepper corns
all the tables around us are seated
and everyone gets the same thing we’ve order
it’s beautiful to look at
and wonderful to taste
to eat
it doesn’t fill us too much
gets me more high than i am already
with all the wine
and the beautiful day
i don’t remember all the dishes inbetween
but i remember being really impressed with Jeff said he was ready to go
didn’t really need the desert
it was some strawberry dish that’s very popular now
he said
strawberries and balsamic
very trendy in the food community right now
he’s not interested..
not interested unless it were a strawberry sorbet
yeah, he’d like that
so
what comes out?
strawberry sorbet with balsamic reduction
wow
good job manifesting that
but after i finish eating it
he shews me off
i think he thinks i’m too drunk
and indeed
i am falling asleep
i don’t want to be sitting there anymore
he say’s he’ll wait for the bill
i should just go home..
so i do
it’s just around the corner
i took some pictures of myself
i got undressed
which i don’t really remember
but i guess i broke my choker that i’ve been wearing for about a year
i found it among my clothes in the morning
but tonight
all i remember was putting my lap top on playing “horses”
and disappearing into drunken sleep before the song was even over.
we rode bikes from the centre into the dock…
an island in the making?
the fine art of delapidation
endless fantasies on offer
…any door…
after crossing the bridge
the tourist face
rapidly retreated…
i don’t know
we stayed somewhere on an island
i don’t know
somewhere
i woke up
showing off my resumé for being able to fly
they were impressed!
i was dreaming
we were sleeping
he called me over
said i should get in bed with him
but this was after he’d taken a shower
we cuddled a little
but there wasn’t time
we had only a half hour before breakfast was over
and though we didn’t care too much
you don’t want to inconvenience people if you can help it, right?
he went to breakfast
i took a shower
i used my citrus soap
i was way too lazy about the whole thing
but when i got there
it was no rush
bad saw dust bread
jam
individual butters
i had some hot water and grain “Koffee” mixed with cocoa
it was all forgettable.
we retreated to the room, yeah
and he looked through his files
what are we going to do with ourselves?
an hour later
we’d written down all the links he wanted for our continuing trip to greece
and we went to the front dest
eManuel had a lock for the bikes
he told us to pick which ever we wanted
“they’re all broken”
yeah
rusty and small and knackered
i guess
how else would you say it?
we found some that had air in the tyres
Joshua took a little dirt bike one
i took a old amsterdam style one
and off we went
my wheels being so much bigger
i was way ahead
having to wait was painful
weaving in the one-lane road
drops of rain falling if they pleased
not determinant
he caught up
in time for me to rush ahead
get off the bike
and take some pictures
the little canals
are these farm fields?
what is it with Europe and their penchant for claiming land from the sea?
weir.d.
we got to the boat dock
and i went to read the times…
we had about 40 minutes to wait for the next “bus”
or “metro”
or whatever you’d call these boats..
Joshua decided he would meditate
i went off to ride around
the road quickly ended.
rather
the pavement quickly ended
into uneven dirt
road construction signs
to ride around
thick gravel
side roads
to docks
modern
side roads
off to somewhere
along canals
into orchards
or something
i rode to the end of the pier
imagining something
i turned back
after a handsome older man rode in
all older men= handsome
i rode into town
the road pavement again
signs
a church
a store
a general store
i rode past
then back again
a moped there
still running
up against the wall
bikes
i guess we don’t need locks here
we don’t need locks here
it’s a small island
it’s a [small] community:
we trust eachother
i just leaned my bike against the wall
walked in
said
Buno Journo
asked the lady at the deli to make me a panino
puffy white bread
fancy pruscuto ham
i asked for her to put some cheese on there
she weighed it
rigatonne?
cut it with a large flat piece of metal
some cheese slicer
never seen
put it on
put it in a brown paper bag
printed a label for me
€2.60
i paid with coins at the front counter
put it in my basket
still there
and rode down the road
you know
that small dirt path
it just went to someone’s back yard
i turned around and continued on the way
and the next one i found
i looked
wondered
but didn’t take it
because i knew it was getting time
i rode back
i watched the water
watched the trees
listened to the wind
and got back to the docks
parking the bike
locking it
and finding Joshua
murmured “booga-booga WAHHHH”
in Braniac imitation
but he couldn’t hold his concentration anyway
he was so happy to see the sandwich
as was i
we bit in
and the boat arrived
nice to stand on in the wind
watching the islands peel by
eating puffy hard white bread
the ham so strong
the cheese
dry
tasty
at the second stop there was a barking collie
he mourned Lassie
i took pictures of the other dog shitting
when we got to the main island[s]
there was no discussion
i just headed down the first alley
and off we went
into Venice
[ i guess ]
the path seemed long
very narrow alley
but we
miraculously
found ourselves at a bakery
the smell..
how could anyone not stop?
i looked at the wares
pointing at something brown covered in almonds
i asked him what it was
he said meringue
but it couldn’t have been!
of all the things i wanted
i decided to buy that to put my wondering at rest
and prove to him he was wrong
him pulling the “i’m a chef” card
well, he was wrong
but what was it?
good, though
whatever
some hard brownie thing
dunno
but it was good
as we walked through squares
and over canals
the water green
blue
what colour is that?
Venice colour
Venice
so i guess we’re here now…
where have we been?
where are we going?
i don’t know
but that sandwich looks fucking beautiful
and jeff likes the look of the cookie
i convince him to come in an share the sandwich with me
like a new york panini
but so much thicker
lots of letuce, ham, tomato
the cookie isn’t so great
a mediocre short bread
chocolate, which is nice
we get tea
while he goes and checks the slots
the panini comes
and it’s warmed
sprinkled with olive oil and rosemary
biting into it is fucking heaven
we only use one tea bag in the pot
don’t need it to be too strong
and the slots aren’t working for him
so we eat
and two cute old guys walk in
one had a beard
but both are fat
and old
i look at them
and dream..
i want to be a happy fat old guy some day…
will i ever be?
Jeff tells me i can be
and i don’t think it will ever happen
he says i can focus and make it happen
but that’s not it
i don’t know how to express this to him
They didn’t focus on being fat old guys
they just got that way
will i ever do anything with out doing it on purpose?
the spoils of my life Lived?
faith in the future?
instead
i take pictures of them
and the guy working the counter
who we both agree on…
he charges me extra for the sandwich
and what the fuck ever
so i pay him
an leave no tip
we walk back out
the streets are suddenly packed with people
and we are gone
we are gone
we are gone
and the flow carries us along
somewhere
over a bridge
(what are those called?)
where we stare at gondoliers…
stepping down, flowing onward
Jeff looks down an alley
and i push him that way
and follow
out of the stream
past the spilt ice cream (or is that doggie diarrhea?)
free, suddenly… a peace. a presence…
i say
‘ we’re bad tourists ‘
we’re in someone’s back yard
for someplace with no Yards
it’s a quiet alley
it’s rotten old doors
the pain peeling
the metal rusted
it’s beautiful
and
through a tunnel
it opens onto the water..
the Grand Canal, he tells me
all so sentimental for him
13
37 years
he says
look at the boats going by
the hetero couple eating
having a romantic moment
the two women coming down the stairs and leaving..
this beautiful square: we guess that’s a hotel
though we so no sign…
he wonders what it costs
but is afraid to go up
we both feel intimidated by the plaza
i read a sign on the way saying the stairs are private and walking up them is prohibited..
or i imagine that’s what the italian words mean
we walk back through the tunnel
court
alley
to that street
the flow
we see signs at the next bridge for an @ cafe
you know
we have plans to make
something about Ferries and Greece
we go to walk there
but we just end up in some terrible shopping street
jeff Chokes
he gags
he says “that was terrible, ugh, UCK!”
yeah
but this street is wrong
so we have to return to that terrible square
next street?
no
just some dyke-ish girl taking a photo
i stay out of the way long enough to let her snap
then follow her
to the next alley/street/road(to nowhere)
she is looking out over the water
the gondolas parked there
we look at her
she leaves
and there is a sign on the wall there
“no pic-nics
no sitting
no eating
please”
so we look at the boats
we look at the water
the mold
the algae
the moss
the bricks falling apart…
i stand from where i’m leaning on the wall
and notice a black door:
it’s the back door to the internet cafe
Oh. Ok.
we go in.
it’s €7.50 an hour, you know.
€4 for a half hour
so i guess these are Venetian prices.
sure.
in the pressure of these 45 minutes on line
looking up prices
leaving on friday
the finality of leaving Venice
my head starts to clench
why are we leaving?
where are we going?
why are we going to Cofu?
it’s a beautiful island
so is Venice
isn’t it?
i’m confused
we send off a ferry booking request form
ugh
the time..
we check email
we we look through hotels
and it’s so hard
expensive
which matters..
or doesn’t matter?
many rooms
which is bad
or doesn’t matter?
which are near towns
or in the middle of nowhere
which is in Hotel Land
which is England? or America?
why go to greece?
i’m confused
and we make no decisions
and our time runs out
buy more time?
no
give it a chill…
we’re in Venice..
let’s see Venice..
we walk out
over the small canal
on one of those steps/bridge things
and i kinda flip out
pressing into him
grilling him
‘ why the fuck are we leaving?
where are we going?
why rush off to some beautiful place
when we’re in some beautiful place that i’ve never seen?
Venice is a place
it’s a place people go
and want to go
and talk about
it’s a myth
and i’m here
and i’m not even staying here
and out in the middle of nowhere
no where
like in fucking barcelona at that terrible hotel
nowhere
i hate hotels
and i want to be where i am
why are we leaving so soon?
i thought we were staying a week! ‘
i ramble on
jeff looks at me
averts his gaze
looks inwards
and takes deep breaths
audibly
ok
sorry
calm down dommy.
i walk down the other side
then up to some old church
put my back against the chipped peeling green wooden doors.
he sits next to me
we’re quiet for a while
i am calmer
and try to make my self expressed
and try and understand what he wants
and try and get closer
and try and be clearer
and we’re communicating
we’re coming together
we’re… compromising.
we talk about that hotel
giving up a night at the place we’re staying
can we get out of that?
can i pay some of the money here in Venice?
will anything be open here?
where we going?
and why?
and where do we need to be?
i forget the details, really
but we we went back to the internet cafe and spent another hour there
doing what?
i was writing messages to people i knew
asking them about where we should stay on the islands
places to just chill the fuck out and experience greece
not some terrible refuge for american and english trash
grrrrr
all of a sudden
the plans change again
and we realize we can skip the whole Corfu thing
and thus
not need to fly on a water plane
which would be really expensive anyway
i don’t understand?
is Jeff a million dollars or not?
how do people spend money?
how do people live?
but the time is up
and we haven’t really got a clear idea
but we know everything’s changed
we walk into a hotel
no english
but i can tell they have rooms
about a hundred euros
ok
we go back over to the other
that Lion one in the secluded plaza near the grand canal we found
and it’s not really intimidating
it’s just a quiet girl behind a desk
who can’t speak any english
and it’s troubling
but we kinda get our point across
she takes us up to see the room
the first she opens
smells as if it hasn’t been aired in years
it’s claustrophobic and terrible
€100 a night
the next is 20 euros more
and isn’t so bad
a small window onto the back canal
hmmm
but i’d rather stay in venice
you see
be here
in here
so i can wander home late at night
not have to catch a boat an hour back…
yeah
we make a reservation
but in all the confusion
she calls the owner
who shows up
and i explain we’re staying out on s. erasmus
and he says
we have to stay there
he doesn’t want them getting angry at him
have to respect the other hotels.
wow.
um
ok.
like mafia respect
cool
i dig that.
so we reserve friday night
and back out in the square
jeff says
why don’t we just get the apartment?
it’s only slightly more
and if you pay some of it
i can get my dream apartment with a terrace and a garden
well,
ok
so we go back to the internet place to get a number
now Guns and Roses playing “november rain”
i still remember so many of the words
yeah, Charlie Yeo, how many times did we listen to that album together?
round and round again…
fuck
we make it quick this time
get the number
and look at a few of them
then head to a public phone
and call our place out on s. erasmus
yeah, he understands
we can get out of our last night
great
but all the apartments are booked up but one place
that’s 210 or something a night for two nights
but 130 if for three
so
it looks like we’re staying til sunday
which is what i wanted anyway
… we walk to where the place is
though we can’t see it now
it’s a quiet plaza
away from the hubub…
nice. ok.
Santa Marina…
yeah..
we wander
go to saint mark’s place?
sure…
tourist destination #1
i pull out my map
the first time i’ve TRIED to use the map here
and i’m utterly confused
i’m a good map reader
but i keep having to pull it out again and again
and have no idea where the fuck we are
how are the streets named?
crazy city.
but we get there
past there best western
and comfort suites
where the crazy guy tries to steal my camera or my money
and look him in the eyes
and he yells at me in italian for accusing him
yeah
into the maelstrom
and through it
saint mark’s.
yeah
beautiful
wow.
so many pigeons..
Jeff says
“when i was here as a kid
i was totally overwhelmed by how beautiful this was..
but now i know there are so many more beautiful things..
the small alleys we walked through…”
yeah
now where?
away from all the tourists, thanks
we wander and wander
and find ourselves at an irish pub
i’m parched
he’s hungry
i get a beer
german
(no italian beer here)
he gets a Campari with soda
and we watch TV
what is it? Dee Jay 4 U
the modern version of that JukeBox channel we used to watch in Indiana
mostly crap
schlock
it rolls by
we natter on about things as we get slightly lit
both of us being light weights in the drunk department
some video from the Kaiser Chiefs comes on … “Modern Way” i think it’s called
and i fall in love with it
some crazy long haired guy trying to learn contact juggling
nothing special
just balancing it on his face
it starts a world-wide craze….
yeah
silly
but i love videos like that
some short film just layered over a song
but who are these guys anyway?
i think i’ve heard of them before
whatever
i’m singing the song to myself as we walk over the Rialto bridge
which is nice and all
but we’re both hungry
the other island is remote
it’s obviously the neighborhood
but Jeff says
the population has dropped here
from a 200,000 height to now at 65,000
woah…
fucking tourism jacking up the prices… and no reason to live here but that anymore, right?
empty streets
all back alleys
trash and sewage smell
beautiful
we both feel bad about all the restaurants
so we decide on a place that we mutually not interesting
and go to eat there
he got lasagna bolognase
i got lasagna de antara
which i’ve never heard of
but is with duck…
the bread is the first good bread we’ve had in italy
firm bread
with big holes and lots of olives
we get a bottle of wine
and salad…
when the meal appears
i’m disappointed
but jeff’s is what i want..
mine doesn’t taste like duck
and i’m just sicilian, i guess
i want red sauce..
and mine is white…
so i order more food!
communication trouble
we wait a long time
and it comes out
chunks of meat on pasta and cheese: no red sauce
FUCK!
i send it back
meanwhile
Jeff is complaining he doesn’t like the wine
says it tastes like vinegar…
mine doesn’t.. i don’t know what he’s talking about
then again
i don’t dress my salads, you know
i did use some of the olive oil on my bread
but i didn’t touch the balsamic
he used lots of it on his salad
and when i sip his wine
i’m sure he poured some in there too
Ugh, gross
Jeff: you’re crazy
we’re laughing
and my pasta appears
red sauce
no meat
i wanted fucking bolognase!
whatever
fine
i eat it
it’s good
a nice desert
damn
we’re tired
we walk back
stopping briefly to get cherry and licorice ice cream
i try and stop back by that hotel telling them we’re not taking the room on friday
but there is a new guy there who speaks no english
so i skip it
and we head to the boat
staggering through the staggered streets
wandering
til we come out
exactly at the dock
were we hop on the boat
which is just about to leave
ah, thanks
riding through the night air
quiet between us
the water splashing
stupid pictures
using up my battery.
back on s. erasmus
much too late and tired and drunkish
we ride back to the place
where i leave Jeff
and go ride around the island…
are those two guys going to have sex at the docks?
i turn to go past them…
if they wanted me in a three way would i do it?
i’m not having sex with anyone but jeff right now
but i love being tempted..
i ride along the sea-wall levee
and see a sign about historic places
— there is a large brick tower-ish thing over there
so i walk over
and jump the fence..
walk around it
well, ok
whatever
i can’t get in
and it doesn’t look that interesting
but i see what looks like a bar over the opposite wall..
is that a gay bar?
can’t be..
i jump back over the fence
and go to the bar
i get a beer.
half pint, 2 euros
fuckers
locals
but mostly men
all men
but not cruisy
i jump the fence in the back
and walk the beach
feeling drunk and tired and isolated
i see two boats out in the water
shining lights into the water
they’re fishing, i imagine…
i sing a song about how
light spends all it’s time looking for the dark
and when two lights get together they negate eachother
they aren’t necessary
so they’ll always come apart again
to be alone in the dark
until the Light comes
that oblitterates all light..
until the dark comes
so the lights spend all their time
looking for the darkness
i’m tired.
i ride home
and jeff is in bed
but not asleep yet
but he’s c-paped, ear plugged, pilled, and pillowed…
doesn’t have his eye mask on yet
so i kiss his belly
and say good night
then head to write…
x
so hard
i want to write
there are things i want to say
not to you
not for you
but for me
for some hope of me in the future
but all i can do is sit in the dark here
listening to Tori amos
and not just Tori
but her bootlegs
old recordings
“NOT THE RED BARON”
so many songs
yes, anastasia
and Horse over and over and over
sitting in the dark
thinking of putting myself to rest
in words
in bed
in the dark, i mean.
i struggled through it
fuck
i’m so tired
and it’s nearly three now
but i’m done.
good night.
… the inter-city boat roads …
everything precious
a place of their own
Happy In Venice!!
Happy In Venice!!
dear
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