long drive to and from nashville
no phone conversations tonight
things are settling down
and there’s less expectation fluttering around
more pizza
more stale bread i chopped up this morning and cooked in the skillet with eggs and onions
and ate with tomato Chow-Chow
another client in Nashville
Mr Wish
his body opened up to me like the sky tonight
the sky i stared at driving home
amazed that the stars were just as easy to focus on while driving 70mph
his body was just water pouring through it
is heart
thudding
and when i opened up his channels
his chest heaved in a huge sigh
big man
all the movements were beautiful
i set up my camera to record
but of course
the battery died (the cold)
as he asked me about my brother
and i poured out an excellent rendition of
“the story of my life”
i so wish the camera would have been rolling to record all of that
— i talked with Jerry on the phone on the way into town
Jerry: my first “boy friend”
from portland oregon
… he’s living here in TN now
about an hour away from me
we’re all a little older
Thanks Thanks Thanks
someday
i’ll put up all the pictures
and write out all the tales
but right now i’ve got to get home to sleep
so the Thanks Fairy can come in my dreams
and make me grateful for all the amazing things in my life
common everybody!
close your eyes!
(common baby dry your eyes)
today is my satyrn return
i mapped it out
knew it would be today
listened to all the words uttered…
would i die today?
a car crash?
something that smashed my soul into the dirt?
no: but the barbeque place wasn’t open
so i had a lunch of bad food
it didn’t matter
because i was with a friend i love
and we had a good time
it’s new moon
but i gave a massage anyway
coz it made sense to
and he was very grateful
and appreciative of what i am and what he needed
he filled me with inspiration for the future
and in flashes of power released from his glutes
i wondered if i should go live in Hawaii?
to lay naked in the sun every day..
i could feel the heat in his skin…
but nothing changed today
today was not the day of clarity or calamity
i still dreamed of better places
i still felt guilt from my descisions
i still wanted things that did nothing for me
still suspicous
still longing
still staid
and i’m back at the shop
far too late
i’ll get “home” and goat will be asleep
restless
i’ll have to sleep in tomorrow
and maybe something will come clear
i can’t just sit and wait for this revelation
i have to make it
hew it out
but i just look at the marble
–KnockKnock–
“is anybody in there?”
i really liked chicago
for what it was
it was a bit confusing to me
but i liked it
but really
i’m in new york now
and fuck chicago
i love new york.
i always feel like this when i arrive
i rememberd that on the train on the way in from Queens
i always feel like this when i arrive
— but looking at the other people on the train
this time i realized…
living here wears us down
all of the people are sleeping
they look exhausted
drained
that’s what i felt like when i lived here
so i come coasting in
stunned and shivering with excitment
the beauty of this place
there shear amazing fact that it exists at all
a testiment to the artistic brilliance and insanity of humanity
but damn
this place is not a place for living for such folks as me
is it?
that’s always the question
where could i live?
or
to quote David Thewlis in “NAKED”
“there are a million places to go
the question is:
where to stay?”
i’m heading to Chicago tomorrow, then NYC for 10 days
to see some friends. collect my stuff. decide decide decide. and make some money
then drive back down here to TN.
Today Goat and i went walking up to the top of the mountain.
it was very Autumn.
i was listening to The The in the car on the way back from Murf
some song with some line about a girl hanging out in her apartment naked
listening to the neighbors fighting upstairs
“and she wonders if it’s fear of lonlieness
or fear of love
that keep people like that together
…forever.”
watching the cloudless sky bleach out the autumn trees
i thought about making a line about death relationshps like that
it’d be like
“if the things that make us happy make us wise
you’re never going to get any smarter hanging around with him”
. . .
i gave myself the morning.
Goat wakes up earler than i do
and
on account of my energy expendature yesterday
i lay in bed while he worked out
closing my eyes from the light
and hearing the metal squeeking and crashing
against his grunts as he worked out
i layed around
Lazy.
a usual morning for me:
i’d not had one since i arrived here
so i drank some lemonade
and used the out house
washed my hands
and helped Goat get the cap off the pick up
we came into town
and i set about learning how to use my new DVD burner
closing windows
researching sondheim
and how and when i could get DSL here.
i got hungry around 1
so set off to get a burger from “Joe’s”
a place i ate a few days ago
the only restaurant liked better than McDonald’s in this town..
but on the walk down
i saw another place
Ms. Terri’s Kitchen
so i went in there to order a burger…
a double burger..
i walked in and saw a guy behind the counter
and rows of tables
i shielded my eyes
picked up a menu
stared
“mmm, a bit more expensive, but..”
and then looked up
i was terrified
it’s one thing
walking into a joint like this with a group of guys
but to walk in alone…
all of these people who are in a completely different world than i am
no
i am an alien here
wandering in…
am i in the wrong place?
is there any way i can escape?
i walk up to the register and order my double burger
speaking quietly
no cheese, no
the… vegetables, please
and mustard
yeah
ok
thanks.
i sit down
and my eyes unfocus
the TV
the conversations
my gaze seems to settle on a wedding band
on a big meaty hand
relaxing on the back of another chair
behind it, in the field, is a double chin
hair combed back: bald spot
huge belly.
in front of
Him
is another
huge belly
in overalls
old
waddle
cane
drinking his soda pop
a man in a blue shirt gets up in the back
he’s huge
even his “buisness shirt” looks like it’s got stretch marks
the man in front of me has his back to me
i admire the stitching
and contrast the tailor-ship of it
compared against the shapeless sleevless purple thing
the waitress is wearing
he face is kinda melted
when she catches my eye
all of the excess flesh formes into a carnival-esque smile
he has a soft-looking mat of golden hair rising above his neck
as he rips apart his fried chicken
it’s like there’s no air in here
90% of the people in here are grossly obese
and though i’m always attracted and interested in fat old men
for some reason now
i’m terrified
i want to run
but i have to wait for my burger
everything feels greasy
my overalls are unbuttoned at the crotch
i fumble with modesty
and wait
watching shirts hanging over distented bellies
an old hippy-farmer type smiles at me
he’s cute
almost fit in comparison
great beard
i like the country life
but this is a bit to shocking for me
the waitress who took my order smiles
and tells me my burger is done
so i run up to pay
the huge business man is chatting
she lets me go around him
he doesn’t notice me
did anyone?
(i saw them staring… but none of us are making eye contact)
when i come out side
i exhale loudly
take a deep breath
and shudder
like a wet dog
Wow
can i survive here?
i keep thinking this as i walk past the McD’s
the expanse of concrete
the tasteless buildings
i remind myself:
i don’t live here
i live in the forest
i just need DSL
and i can do some art on the internet
and avoid most of this town…
the burger is so greasy..
so greasy the fat bleeds through the foil
i eat it
and feel slick and heavy all the rest of the day
overcome by pictures on silverdaddies
DVD projects
and wondering what i should do…
install FireFox for Goat
imagine what i can do to be a good lover and friend
where are my other friends?
reply to some emails
stare at the screen
waiting for downloads on dial-up
wow.
back to the mountain
i think i’ll stay away for a few days.
i’m in Tennessee
it’s raining
everything is green
and brown
and grey
the fallen leaves
along the road last night
Red. Grey. Green.
grey. lined with red. surrounded by Green.
there’s a bit of fear
expectation
the culmination of exhaustion
and joy
peeking out around the corners
as his big goat nuzzles his thigh
naked in the morning drizzle
i’m here i’m here i’m here
and i’m very happy to be here.
a day at a time
see you a day at a time.
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