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why shouldn’t I kiss him?
his wrinkly face…
I love him
he’s part of me
made the way for me
greater than I
in experience and size
the weight of the world
gathered around his heavy thighs

but when he smiles
he’s known far more sorrows and joys
that laugh is resigned
but also deeper than any boy’s

he sees in me
so many of the dreams of his youth
what he coulda been
and the flickering of his imagining
the lives of so many others he’s loved
dreamed of
the beauties on the street
in pages
in classes and jobs
the friends he’s fallen in love with
carried off into fantasies
maybe
maybe with me…

love and imagination
hope and expectation

to see me be something great before his eyes finally close
and all that I might do
long after those

what is it I do for him?
give him inspiration to keep up the work
in the obviously setting sun?
help him lay down his tools and come to rest?
someone to inspire him to top his best?
to make one more great success for a new one who could appreciate it differently than the rest?

it goes far beyond the physical
but why wouldn’t I kiss him?
lay naked in bed with him and hold him?
remind him
it’s not beauty he’s lost
just youth
my eyes not tricked by that
my heart still enflamed

many mistake worth
with prettiness
many mistake beauty
for youth
but would you want to taste an apple before it’s ripened?

I prefer maduros
sweet and plump
yes
my love isn’t all about devouring
but embodying his whole life
as much as I can fit into
not just getting caught in his crotch
but feeling his full heart
his heavy shoulders
his broad chest
and weary legs
wiggling into his fingers and toes
dropping down
into his balls
but not living
in just any one part

can we every fully embody another?
can there be a perfect fit?
should we wait for that?

what’s more important in a partner?
one I want to look at all the time?
one I can have constant conversation?
(with comfortable knowing silence)
one I can always feel desire for/with?

the hot hot sex?
the making love?
the magical rituals of being
union
exploration
re-creation

what?
must they be separate?

why not?

I have lovers everywhere
I love him to look at
them
I love him to lay with
hear stories of living
him to be excited about music
and the architecture of the universe
yes, music of the spheres
him to share the drama with
the art of story telling
the others telling
him to listen to my stories
him to eat food with
to be someone to cook for
someone to make clothes for
someone to get dressed for

why just one?

rest in peace
knowing I’m loved by all of them
family

Sons
Brothers
Fathers
Grand Fathers
and The Great

a world of men learning to be in love with each other
hold eachother’s hands crossing the street
shoulders in toil
testicals in desire
– to give… recieve… validate… dominate…
learn to respect and reflect each other
resonate in sympathy
nourish eachother to divinity
support eachother into deepest rest
share in the widest joy
and the most arduous suffering

these dreams of mine are so simple and clear
now
if only they could be so clear
always
when I’m waking…

.
:.:

ok, then
so
we’re married now

.
:.:

when I woke this morning and what’s the other bad went to lay down and have a strange half dream state bracket feel how relaxed my job was to my job was hanging get my lips were still together I ohms spending minutes many many many minutes on each owe you M letting it flow through my body feeling the space relaxing my face relaxing my whole body falling down into my legs love creation Homous and I Philson

.
:.:

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whatever naturally IS
isn’t good enough
You should change it
that will be better.
.
:.:

through the ceiling
I can hear a man snoring
a steady intermittent
rumbling

like a child
I could always hear my father
down the hall

is it strange?
I find it vaguely comforting

.
:.:

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I put my music on shuffle today
I had a lot of things to do
with direction
I staggered around my apartment
going back to sleep
unaware to find goat’s milk outside
I struggled with folding laundry
impossibly washing my hands again
rolling out truffles
washing the dishes
washing my hands
using needles, cable, tin foil

the music played
"random"
but with some guidance
known to gods of algorithms
or desperate hearts
some order
things I could believe in
laugh at
move about

when finally leaving
song 43 came on
"in the back seat"
off Funeral
by Arcade Fire

I remembered moments I listened to this song
moments I laughed at it
moments I cried with it
wondering now
exactly what it is about…

walking down that long 1 Tunnel
the climax of the song blaring away
I thought of Polyphonic Spree
how I could never get into them
Every Song was an Anthem
or some penultimate celebration
but I never believed any of it
it all sounded like they were making something Like that
but it wasn’t it…
like any Cold Play song,
but obviously less deftly

I believed The Arcade Fire on those two albums…
they were a bit absurd and a tad annoying
but they were desperate and serious
they were here with us
and begging us to come along
and showing us the way

I remember
after getting into that record
hearing all the hype
Bowie touting them
selling out arenas
Really?

and Yeah
I haven’t believed them since
and even hearing this song now
her hopelessly exasperated "my whole life" hasn’t as much impact because she sounds like she’s 18 and she probably needs many more years of learning to drive
or is it:
who I am now
thinks we all should be
learning to drive
our whole lives

yes
it’s hard
but off to work we go…

Song 22 was "Pow Pow" by LCD Spundsystem
and it made me think of time
"coz honestly, how much time do you waste? How much time do you blow every day?"
thinking, again
of Debtor’s Jail
and my Artist Friend
who was in Debtor’s Anonymous
the troubles we might have wasting money
the troubles we have wasting time…

( song 23 was "on the wire" by PJ Harvey, in case you were curious )

I’d been listening to Audio Books for months and all this pop music is a different sort of storytelling…

I heard "Telephone" by GaGa on Glee and it got stuck in my head like a glitch virus for days
horrible
every time I checked in
my mind was repeating little chunks of the song
in horror
I had to download it
in horror, today, I erased her off my phone
every song of hers I heard I wanted to skip

but I loved the glitch-skipping in the song, in her voice

it reminded me of the Ting Tings "Great DJ"
the E-E-E and the
part

also
CSS "Believe Achieve" from their Donkey album
which I started this shuffle with
"I was to take your eyes
use then as a seed
grow a big tree
on my balcony
e-e-e-e-e-e"

this writing ends during song 46
"Kissing Things"
by The 6ths
(which followed "Like Spinning Plates" by Radiohead, the live I Might Be Wrong version)

.
:.:

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I had this friend
I made some understandings about him
they related to this and that
and I knew him like someone else
and I knew him for time
so I knew him from experiences
so I knew him some ways
and some of those ways he didn’t agree with
certainly didn’t want to agree with
and told me so
told me "those beliefs you hold about me: they aren’t helping me"
and I knew that
but it’s where my faith lay

we were friends
and there was turbulence
and we were shaking
and on he went
I was elsewheres

I asked him what he wanted
what he said he knew he wanted

and he was absent
he was elsewheres

and I thought of him
as he’d want to be known
as I’d like to know him
but obviously don’t

in my mind
in my solitude
thinking of him
I told him

You will have to Teach me how you want to be Known
and as I get it wrong
continually get it wrong
you will have to teach me
better teach me
be better teacher
between idea and fact
between thought and act
set a better example of what you want to be
so I might know you as you are
as you really are
as you’ve made yourself to be
in front of me

teach me how to know you
as you want to be
be as you are
when you are what you want to be

what do you want?
what do you want to be?

.
:.:

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made by Young Jee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NYy5TIcZrA

i was sleeping next to koos 
and larry started screaming down the hall

was it 4am?
i was laying on my side out in the front room 
curled up next to the plants

could it have been from sleeping so close to the Salvia?
or Koos?

i woke out of the dream
but only slightly
and thus
was given some lucidity
which allows me to remember it
but also be shocked by it:

it was a continuation of 
other dreams
or other realities…

i was going off to school
Magic school

not at all like Hogwarts, though i have just put myself through the Harry Potter books
i don't know if it was inspired by that
i had the feeling that it was last year
or years before 
that i had been there before
or had other dreams

i remember looking at myself in the mirror once
my eyes were bright green
my face was entirely different, actually
a bit more celtic/mongolian

but here i was
back at magic school
with all the same strange intricacies
the room that we used to enter between this world and that (the school, was of course, in some sort of parallel dimension where it couldn't be tampered with by people who wouldn't understand it… or seek to control it) was like a public showers…
yeah, we used a special nozzle and the water that came out would pass us between this and that

i was back at school
setting up my room again in the dorm
it was all kinda boring white drywall 
very "heartwood" (i haven't dreamt of that place in a long while)
in fact, i think i had my white Ford EXP there to drive around in
yes, waking with some feeling that that car was special to me 
some how intrinsic with my personality
strength, or freedom… or some ego food ideal

but the interesting thing in the dream was i knew it was my third year of school
and i had specific memories about the struggles i'd had in the years previous:
wresting concentration
something relating to trees
being still and centered
unable to manifest . . .

i arrived and unpacked my things
couldn't find my wand
forgot, even, what it looked like
how to use it
surprised i was here
and where were my books?
i started rummaging through my things
and walking through the campus
looking for my friends (not really like heartwood, a little like that place i stayed in the desert once.. pretending to be alone. wide, flat open… but with many buildings instead of just one…)
i was surprised to see my car
and thought i might have lost it in there
or my car gave me special abilities..
i went back to the showers
and felt embarrassed
people were coming and going
i was cruising for a second
so distracted!
where is the nozzle?
i have to get back to find my stuff or i'll never make it through this year…
i've got to learn . . .