i just wrote this out for a friend and want to share it here as well
love you!
self loving meditation
i was thinking about something to help you sleep
when i woke this morning i started my usual morning meditations (which i’ve been doing for about two years)
before i even open my eyes
i just lay and feel my body
notice any pleasure and pain
and do my best to just hear it, feel it. be present with it
then i cultivate the taoist virtuous emotions
they have a whole system behind them
and they go in an order
but the gist is this:
⁃ Gratitude, self love, happiness
⁃ safety, openness, trust: “the universe is undoubtedly unfolding as it should”
⁃ courage to do what needs to be done, feeling alignment with what is Good
⁃ inner peace, in silence and stillness
⁃ kindness, generosity, compassion
now, these may sound like a lot
but they flow nicely into each other
and when you practice for a while, it becomes easy
it’s important to understand they aren’t words
they are feelings, emotions
so, for gratitude, how i start, i usually just think “i’m thankful for what i have now. i’m thankful to wake up in this safe bed, i’m grateful for the people in my life. . . ”etc. . .
simple
when i start to feel the actual feeling of gratitude
i tend to drop the words and surf the emotions more
using words only when i need them to trigger Feelings.
letting these feelings flow throughout the whole body, suffuse! fill the whole body,
that’s what we want
this can before going to sleep as well
as so many things can be disturbing through the day
and putting yourself in these safe happy feelings will help you sleep better
but there’s more
to help deal with “reality”, as so many people like to say, we can include the rest of life in a loving way
not just what’s happening right here, right now
practice with forgiveness and well-wishing
start with yourself
“i forgive myself” for anything. everything. “anything i’ve done wrong, real or imagined”
say it over and over until you feel it
then
“may i be happy” or whatever words work for you “i deserve to be happy” “i wish happiness for myself” etc. . .
then do it for people that are easier, neutral (unimportant) and difficult
for example
easier people may be family
neutral people may be people you passed at a supermarket or saw on the subway
people you know little about so have little investment or emotional charge with
and difficult people might be. . . people you work with, people who piss you off. people from the news who anger you: may they all be forgiven for what they’ve done, real or imagined. may they all be happy
there is nothing anyone has ever done that makes them undeserving of love
there is nothing you have done to make you undeserving of love
sometimes it’s useful to imagine unconditional love. . . where does it come from? nature? dogs? jesus? god? the sun? the space between the stars?
unconditional love loves all things. . . for no reason. forever. always. no matter what.
love? what does that mean? accepts. sees clearly. is patient with. is compassionate. is forgiving. is supportive. is nourishing. . .
so you can start by tapping into unconditional love
find it
let it resonate in your body
flow through you in all ways
then share it with all these people that come to mind
to the best of your ability
if you find you cannot apply unconditional love, forgiveness and well-wishing to someone
let them go
and return to someone you can
don’t get snarled up in thinking someone is deserving of hatred
just love yourself
and let that emanate to anyone who comes to mind
imagine (and believe) that you are a conduit of love. . . and you will be.
this all sounds like a lot
you can do it for an hour
you can do it for ten minutes
whatever
but to wash yourself in forgiveness and love, happiness and safety, etc. . .
doing this before going to sleep will help you sleep better
doing this as soon as you wake up, before you open your eyes, will start the day off in a very good place
it makes it easier to have a good day from there
it’s not %100
but it’s what we can do
i love you. i’m glad you’re here. i want you to be well and happy.
talk about the weather beautiful weather today not looking forward to the cold the summer air in early fall engine summer that goes on and on we had two weeks of what felt like autumn then back to summer temps high 70s, low 80s i forgot about the cold today we had lunch outside i’m on antibiotics and can’t be in the sun why is that? why is that? we sat indoors and talked for a while we went to the sun room to play cards i drank some lemon water with aloe vera juice in it playing cards i started to feel funny what is that funny feeling? a tightening why am i tightening why do i feel like this? am i scared? am i high? is something wrong? am i having some reaction to the aloe? suddenly, i remember the cold …, i remember feeling like this when i used to smoke pot and get all paranoid that something wrong was happening then just realized i was cold i did the same thing not high at all how often we try and get away from the cold i am a bird now not a majesty snow bird a migratory bird “looking for a home, to, share the same space for a minute or two” i watched a movie tonight boys walking outside in the winter snow“it’s beautiful” that strange long blue light i believe it can be healthy to get cold if you can be still hibernate go internal but our society doesn’t allow that for the most part we must keep socializing must keep going to work being entertained hunting we aren’t bears nor turtles nor frogs i can be a bird i can avoid the snow until i can’t anymore… a woman’s expression of her beliefs from her conservative news sources “the government will be turning off the power and cutting food distribution this winter to kill off as many people as they can” why believe these things? i look out the window and idly wonder what it would be like if i get stuck in mexico? or stuck in New York City? or stuck anywhere… if i’m “stuck” somewhere will i stay there? or just walk? walk until this body can’t walk anymore… i’ve walked hundreds of miles in a few months six hundred something i could migrate south without the gasoline or electricity why worry about such things? “that funny feeling” i remember a winter i gave myself in iceland five weeks of it while my best friends were dying of cancer back home i slept 10 hours a day in the strange blue light shifting through heavy snow drifts to hot springs surrounded by desolate lava shelves buried in snow the sky undulating green falling in love again through skype walking along some cliffs watching the icy river flow below me without a coat (or dell) or scarf or hat just allowing myself to be cold what’s that like? humans can live in sweaters at freezing temperatures no problem these people did it for hundreds of years people live better together if they can find peace in their hearts besides the fear and clenching the anger and thoughts. sometimes i feel too hot but i’m not ready to feel cold again doesn’t matter the cold is here the cold is coming i’m going back to New York City in a few weeks eh, a week. i’m going back to New York City in a week and it will get cold there are the apartments there still regularly over heated? have they learned to be economical yet? not a chance but it’s cold outside in the winter there how long will i be there? will i escape the worst of it? will i enjoy the snow this year? transitions can be hard but when we fall out of the nest when we jump off the cliff we just fly or we don’t no problem the cold will be fine when it finds me when i’m in it again but being dressed for summer and feeling it creep into my bones and tighten my body unawares like a sickness like an aging like a dying there’s nothing to be afraid of it’s just the cold.
oh, all the sex i’ve had a waste of vital life essence paying to play the lottery prizes: deadly diseases mild annoyances love of your life! consolation prize shiny bauble damage, shame, guilt, fear, desire and longing ok ok what do i get if i get the grand prize!? a lifetime of sitting on the couch watching movies? making salves and tinctures? singing songs? traveling the world?! what i want what i’ve always wanted is someone to look me in the eyes and offer to work it out with me all of it someone i can look at and say yeah, instead of ignoring reality entertaining ourselves with other people’s fantasies let’s talk about it lets massage it out lets stretch it out lets meditate lets let it go return to love come back to the breath together let’s fuck the suburbs out of each other lets’ straiten out the crooked DNA let’s make love bathed in death from above sure there are plenty of puzzles to do and games to play we are just kids just exploring playing yeah but we can heal we can learn we can we can get it together oh Yeah! maybe all my longing of the greatest effort could meet the same end in that simpler and quieter way of returning to the breath to love unspoken just known in the realms beyond concept together together all i’ve ever wanted is to wrestle soften gentle all i’ve ever wanted is to massage and be massaged to be loved and touched lovingly in all of the places all the trouble with wanting how often have i bemoaned i don’t want to be entertained all the time entertained to death missing life as it slides by in the background drowned out. . . you and i we have our wounds and if we ever healed all of them there are the wounds of the entire human race we could work on together and once completed the rest of life on this planet then forever the universe so many opportunities for Good Work not just fucking growing corn over and over what do you want? it’s not your fault. i love you anyway, hon.
i got around to importing my old livejournal blog today… it’s from 2004-2012ish… with some oder email blogging projects and other writings put in there as well.. enjoy traipsing through the archives… i’m not that person any more, but feel free to ask any questions you like about him and his thoughts and adventures… i’ll do my best to answer.
so much rain. rain rain rain. i’m posting anyway. habits. i have a lot of time in my tent. my tent is dry (ish, damp) inside.. but i’m in a puddle. run-off. the river in the holler is flowing strong. i spent an hour digging trenches with a hoe today. . . it kinda helped. the first picture is after the trenches, but during the rain. the other pictures are before the trenches. i should have just moved my tent. . . but so many stakes!!! and hey, it’s not leaking. . . the car is though, that’s worrying. down through the light switch panel. wtf? ah well. . . the day was pretty pleasant. lots of petting big men. huuu. bears. lots of boiling in the hot tub. cooling in the big pool. i’ll try and sleep now. last night i went to sleep at this time. . . but woke at 3:30 to a downpour. . . didn’t sleep again til 5:30…. woke again at 11! my neighbor Nick didn’t fare so well: everything got soaked in his tent. he’s dried it out now and it set up better. he’s been cooking for us. he’s sweet. nice fella. goodnight.
43.43 somebody’s birthday i was invited, over a month ago, by my friend Nick, from Louisville, to come to the gay campground this weekend for a bear weekend. i felt like shaving my head and decided to play with my facial hair. . . which i don’t do often, so i gave my self the warlock Van Dyke . . . it’s ok. i’ll shave it off next week. shave shave shave. some day i’ll just stop shaving again. my hair will grow a little bit every day. . . meh. . . it’s nice seeing Nick. we set up our tents at the end of the ridge. . . walking up to the pools, i saw a black rat snake. . . it didn’t flee very much so i picked her up. . . she bit me, but just a little. i held her for a while, i used to have a pet of this type snake. . . i wanted to throw her over my shoulders. . . but just held her for a while and let her go. many people fear snakes; i take them as a blessing. i spent a few hours chatting with people and shifting from the hot tub to the pool to cool. . . back at the tent, Nick told me he watched the snake climb the chair next door… he made a nice dinner on an electric griddle. some neighbors told us it was their birthday and invited us for brownies. . . i told them it was my birthday too! the last day of my 43 day birthday this year. so i ate some brownie: first processed sugar thing i’ve had since coming off the fast. i took it ritualistically. thanks! the torrential rains swept through. as they’ve been doing. . . back at our tent site we realized we set up our tents in a drainage basin on the ridge. . . . . . my tent is new. it’s dry inside, but the floor is like a waterbed, swollen and jiggly. the tent is entirely surrounded by water. Nick’s tent is soaked. ahhh. so it goes. i hope we sleep well tonight and have fun tomorrow. i have some good hugs today. one good kiss. and nice talks with guys from Milwaukee. . . what an accent! Ah, America! i’m gonna take a break from posting for a while now. let me know if there’s anything you want to see or hear me talk about. love ya. ...dominic
43.42 - i didn’t sleep well last night. looks like i’m on track for that again today. i woke in a bad mood this morning: looked at the phone too much. . . eventually getting out of bed and staggering down stairs feeling awful. eventually, mindfulness returned and i remembered to choose to feel at peace and happy. meanwhile, i doctored a potion for my mom (she was pleased with the results). then made “protein bars”. ate an orange, banana. . . drank lots of water. . . finished off my vegetable soup, had some more curry. . . then ate some chinese food with my mom. mmmmmm, eating. i really craved sugar: had berries. watched Silence of the Lambs tonight. just spent two hours reading about it. people are crazy.
43.41 - slept well. woke and gardened for many hours. torrential downpour after. ate some chicken accidentally in the soup my mother prepared for me last night. had a few bites of sausage this morning. talked with J for many hours. made Kitchari. lay in the sun. spent time with Ram Dass. ate curry. lay in my hammock the first time this summer. watched One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. . . feel a bit bad for hurting someone’s feelings, but he doesn’t have the ability to know better, so it had to be done to not exploit myself. ah, so it goes. sleep well.
43.39 - breaking fast - yesterday i just had fresh squeezed orange juice with some of my lemon maple syrup mixture. . . and lots of water. i lay in bed most of the day talking to people, playing video games, arranging my winter plans (in mexico) and pleasuring myself. but mostly being quiet. . . and writing. today i went to church with my parents. i woke at 5 from bad dreams. only four hours sleep. couldn’t go back into sleep, so got up and meditated for the longest i’ve meditated in a long time. my father invited me to church last night and i’ve only gone with them once this year, so i made sure to do it. i mostly meditated through it, but caught words “turn this heart of stone into a heart of love alone” was a good bit. . . and i liked how the priests asked us if any of us think we are prophets. . . aye aye captain. . . i mostly did metta practice and then dissolved into all. . . and when i was thinking i did one of my favorite games of trying to translate the beliefs i have about “reality” into “christian” speak, and dominant paradigm lingo. i made more orange juice when we got home. put a dash of my house made kombucha in it . . . and half a scoop of plant based protein powder. . . but it really wasn’t satiating me. i was getting a headache, probably from sleep deprivation . . . so i went to the garden and harvested a ton of kale. . . so grateful: last year our kale was decimated by bugs. . . maybe the nasturtiums are keeping them away this year? i hear an owl hooting. . . how nice! it felt so good. i got tons of kale. . . and a huge turnip. . . i made a soup with kale and turnip greens from the garden then lots of ginger turnip parsnip sweet potato celery root carrot beet brussel sprouts yellow summer squash brown rice mung beans fenugreek seed some chamomile flowers and then miso at the end delicious! especially for the first food i’ve eaten in over two weeks! the first bowl was mostly broth. . . with some dark miso and a few chunks of veggies: well boiled. i had a second one later. . . lovely. and now i’m preparing for sleep. love you sleep well
43.38 - first day coming off the fast, drinking fresh squeezed orange juice. also a New Moon day. have spent most of the day in bed talking on the “phone”, planning trips, writing stories, and just enjoying alone time. i hope you’re having a good weekend taking care of yourself.
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