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(i’ve had many ideas, written pieces, compiled links and stats to prove some kind of point, to help people feel less scared. . . but i’ve ben terrified too. . . i was watching the sunset from the beach a few days ago. . . and got out my phone and started writing

here’s some stuff i’ve been thinking and feeling about over the past month)

when i arrived here

i was traveling

i had plans

i was going to be here a month

but that still felt very temporary

there were things i wanted to see and do here

relax

rest

then move on to the next adventure

now i’m just here.

today i sorted through the things in my bag

zipped it up, after these five weeks

put the clothes for the mountains, for the winter, away in the bag

and put the bag father back on the bed loft i’m not using

no travel for now

i took out all my pills

and refilled my daily use canister again

once a week

or

every 8 days

as things split out

but instead of putting the pills back in their traveling bag

i put them on the shelf

i’m living here.

i cleaned out some bags

divided the various fried peanuts i bought yesterday into reused zip lock packages

mixed some chocolate in there

one bag chilie and garlic

one just garlic

both with salt

hung the food bags on the walls

to deter scavenging rodents and ants

i’m here

indefinitely

. . .

i sure am sweating a lot today

and tired

and feeling the heat

the sun seems stronger

maybe the “global dimming” is, indeed, decreasing

will it raised the surface temperature globally?

/

i went into town yesterday

get more cash

and see what i could buy at the market

the big weekly market had

indeed

been cancelled

the banks, however, were not closed

so many fearful rumors going around

did the airports close?

were those planes

actually

flying empty?

an indigenous mother and daughter got on

on the way out there

they noticeably coughed a few times

. . . are they aware what’s going on?

the night before

a different mother and daughter were coughing at the fruit stand

but they were tourists

i’m sure they were aware

what they might have

i’ve been coughing a bit the last few days

just a little bit

my balance is a bit off too

but i can smell fine

a woman got on the bus

from long island

long time hippie

grew up out near the hamptons

she says it’s been ruined by people from NYC

how can you blame her for saying that?

Money Ruins Everything

people aren’t just people anymore

social

local fishemen

instead

it’s rich people

out there to be antisocial

well, richer than the locals

so she moved down here for the winters

almost thirty years ago

she goes up in the summers

to make her money from those richer people

then comes down here

where she’s richer

she says she hoped to get the virus soon

and get it over with

so she doesn’t have to worry about it

and gets immunity.

i agree

but will we get immunity?

we both believe that being down here is a great place to get it

clean air, clean water, crashing waves good for clearing the lungs

lots of space

and sun

and fruit

good food

lots of good plant medicine

a very good place to get it

where the body is well nourished by the natural energies

we discuss balance

the earth keeps making plagues

and clever humans figure them out and stop them

but the earth knows what balance she needs

and she will just keep trying to kill us off

until it’s more sustainable for her

how do you want to die?

of cancer? dementia? heart attack? stroke(s)?

in a wave of plague?

nuclear winter?

global flood?

it’s been done before. . .

we will all die eventually

what’s the big problem?

. . .

i was asked recently what shadow elements of myself i’m struggling with

i sighed heavily and said

“maybe that i don’t believe in a future. i never have. . . but there have always been socially indoctrinated unconscious motivations caused by this expectation of some Future. . . ive been working to dismantle those pretty intensely for the last few years. . . but it does seem to make it difficult to do anything without a Future. . . still, i don’t struggle, i. . . am practicing being like the mouse caught by the snake. . . when it has been squeezed tight enough, before it dies, it accepts its fate. . . like cattle being squeezed in those gates. . . i just relax into it, know there is no escape. . . and that i am just as much the snake as i am the mouse.”

. . .

my throat has been sore the last few days

is it because i ate cookies for lunch saturday

and cakes for dinner sunday?

am i stress eating?

i go from moments of peace and tranquillity

to being absolutely insane

these last two days

maybe it’s fever

i’m so tired

i don’t have any energy to be crazy

what a relief!

. . .

the herbalist i imagined should be here since i arrived

i finally met two weeks ago

cool hippie girl that makes soaps and salves and tinctures

just like i imagined there should be here

why hadn’t i seen her sooner?

she’d been away

and doesn’t plan to sell on the street very often

she’s staying away from town

because

you know. . .

she says she’s taking echinacea and red quinine tinctures everyday

and drinking neem tea constantly

why worry so much?

she’s young and strong

if it’s not

“it’s not IF but WHEN”

why not greet it as a friend

weather it

and get past it?

i bought a tincture from her i’d never heard of

it was called Gordolobo

but the back explained it was good for cough, bronchitis, fever, and antiviral and antiseptic

sounds perfect

i looked it up

it’s a plant i’ve never heard of in the USA

only grows in texas there

they call it “winged cudweed”

and there was no herbalist knowledge i could find in english

only spanish

though they also call mullein “gordolobo”

this one is the other

Pseudognaphalium viscosum

my mind was assuming the spanish name meant “great leaf”

i didn’t run it through a translator

someone pointed out today

it means “fat wolf”

which one wins?

“the one you feed”

. . .

i noticed my lymph feeling full and thick in my throat

it got all blocked up two weeks ago

i got an ear infection

after two days of stagnance

i bought ear drops

started chewing gum all day (i read on line)

and doing exercises and humming

i was very tired and had little energy

like i am now

parts of my body are sore that haven’t been

have no reason to be

lower back

shoulders

but then

i could have Dengue. . . or Zika. . . remember them?

. . .

i’ve noticed how difficult it is not to touch the face

eyes

ears

nose

always itchy, or something

i only notice i’m rubbing them with my fingers

when i’m doing it

when i saw the guys from canada on the main street two nights ago

we talked for a while

and when they said goodbye

one

you know, instinctually

leaned forward and kissed me on the lips

another dude

who i think is an asshole

but he might just be on vacation

you know: people on Vacation are The Worst

i just travel all the time

so i can’t ever really go on vacation

this is just my life

but people on vacation

they are, ahem, Entitled to Having A Good Time

everyone, everything is here to Entertain them

just at the beginning of the panic

they invited me to a birthday party for his husband

that became a sex party

in a very insulting way. . .

i told them i wasn’t drinking or smoking

but then there was kissing and some sex

and i felt so uncomfortable

i left

but

you know

we’d already all been

close

i avoided them after that

but was always polite

i saw him yesterday

his voice was very horse

he talked about quarantining when he got back to Alabama

he probably won’t be contagious anymore by then

. . .

when i was doing my qigong this morning

i noticed how painful the lymph glands in my groin are

i’m glad i’m keeping moving

but could only do two sets

then my body was tired

i listen

jumped in the ocean and swam around a while

the ocean isn’t relaxing here

it will fucking kill you

i dove under for a mikvah

then had to lay on my back and float

while the current pulled me near those huge rocks it would have no problem smashing me against

i swam against the current and climbed onto shore

i noticed how hard i was breathing

how deeply tired i was

just from that. . .

i looked at the silverdaddy

doing yoga with his young boyfriend

i kept a good twenty feet away from him

. . .

when i went to the beach yesterday morning

a handsome irishman i’d played with a few times

before the panic

came by to tell me he was flying back to ireland

we talked for ten minutes

and

as i do

i offered him little meditation hints

to try and short circuit his panic cycle

he stood there awkwardly

we had not touched anyone here for two weeks

i asked if he wanted a hug goodbye

and he said “yes” like someone who was starving

we’re starving

we hugged for ten minutes

our faces over each other’s shoulders

so we weren’t breathing each other’s breath

in full body contact

for a moment

he’ll be be sharing air with people on an airplane for 17 hours before he’s home

hope he weathers his quarantine well

. . .

i’m a hypochondriac

is my nose runny?

am i sneezing because of dust?

sunlight?

was that a cough?

that was a cough.

perhaps where my bronchials divide is irritated

i can feel a heaviness there

like a stone

i think i can breath fine, though

i’m breathing fine

i can hold my breath

and sing

i’ve got a headache

is that really a head ache?

i’ve had a headache for days

and i get tired easily

hot weather

of course

i haven’t been taking a siesta in mexico

now is a good time to start

i hadn’t been sleeping well

too much reading about the nightmare

ugh

the potential nightmare

all the imaginary potential nightmares

disconnect

meditate

first thing in the day

last thing in the day

and at sunset

and maybe mid day too

every time i talk with friends from the USA

something sends me spinning

but i’m hearing the waves crash

i’m waking up at five every morning

or four

i look up and see Saturn and Jupiter and Mars

Mars has been making its way past Jupiter

yes

time is changing

time is passing

Mars is on its way to Saturn

i’m not so sure i want to feel that

but

i don’t really have a choice

. . .

when i arrived here

it was mid february

still height of tourist season

tons of people here

parties on the weekend

loud fucking thump thump thump

from all the way across the beach

ricocheting up the hill where my room is

nothing to block the sound

kept me up all night

fucking raves

but it only happened on the weekend

and not every one

in early march

the main street

which had always been packed at night

became empty

shocking

the beach

still busy

but much less people

the waves started ripping all the sand away

creating huge sand cliffs

how dramatic

how a beach can change

it looks now

like the beach is almost six feet lower

in certain areas

exposing rocks that i’d not seen before

someone tells me the beach is always changing

he’s seen it much smaller than this

that’s a normal part of Beaches

i have few life goals right now

but an old set was

Live Near Water

i always wanted to live where i could look out my window and see the sea

and another place

to see a river

and another

to see a lake

right there

from my house

i realize i’m getting one of those now

i will be here at least two more months

i think

maybe longer. . .

lately

i thought i was hearing the rave music again

what the fuck?

but then i noticed i was hearing it all morning

and any other times i was in my room

ah

i listened closer

there is a beat

what’s that called?

like a bass rush?

the beats compress and get faster until they are a fast hard cacophony

that’s not electronic music

that’s the waves crashing against the rocks

the newly exposed rocks

echoing and amplifying the sound

rolling up the hill into my room

an acoustic shell

ah

the main street is still pretty dead

but lots of new people have arrived on the beach

fleeing the cities

they aren’t the rich people who have country houses

they come here to relax

so they don’t have to isolate in the city

they can walk on the beach

most of them aren’t naked

and some

are noticeably

on vacation

posing on the rocks

against the waves

against the setting sun

selfies

showing off their sexy dress

their sexy body

being photographed by their lover

or producer

or pimp

pulling down their daisy dukes

exposing their ass to the camera

a grandma sits in a chair holding a margarita

one grand daughter making an ottoman of her back

the other holding a palm frond over her

while the boy takes the picture

it’s just people having a good time

the people working the restaurants in town

take money and give food

refill drinks and give food

hand out the menus

and serve food

those hard working women are still walking the beach

serving slices of cake

flan, choco-flan, pastel de queso, tres leches

people are playing in the waves

laughing

and coughing

and lounging on the beach

. . .

my neighbor left

he got into a spiral panic

changed his mind every few minutes

he was going to stay here til this all ended

he was ready to go home today

i tried to help him book tickets

he couldn’t get what he wanted

he couldn’t understand

that he couldn’t get what he wanted

he panicked that the galleries wouldn’t be able to sell any of his paintings

i tried to explain to him that no one was able to make money right now

it’s not just him

he couldn’t understand that

i told him that if he couldn’t enjoy being here

if he was just going to be terrified and miserable

it would be better for him to be at home

where things were more familiar

and he had a support network

family and friends

he had told me i was his real friend

and he seemed like one of those people that i didn’t know how he had survived to this age

“there is always someone who comes along to take care of everything”

i didn’t want to be that someone

i didn’t want a neurotic dependent

he interrupted me often to ask me to fix things on his phone

or explain to him how to use instagram

he said

“yes, perhaps i should go. . . i should go home. it’s better for you to stay here. . . because you don’t have a home to go to”

i was glad when he finally left

. . .

another canadian told me the airport was closing soon

that they were screening people for fever before they got on the flight

and the flight was overbooked

maybe he couldn’t get on?

maybe i’d see him on the beach again

i haven’t

he told me the boys down in the cove at night were panic fucking

nothing like the threat of death to make guys grasp for Eros

some crazy orgy

i hadn’t felt comfortable in that cove for over a week

maybe that was why

i’d gone there often to watch the sunset

but in the time i’ve been here

the sun has moved so far north

i can’t see it set into the ocean anymore

so why go there?

less “to do”

more relaxing

more time to rest

. . .

the people who come from the cities. . .

a straight couple are making love in the waves as i write this

nothing to worry about

it would look good in a magazine

. . .

there is a woman in her 70s

staying at the same place i stay

she wakes up every morning before the sunrise

like i do

but i sit in a chair

or “embracing the tree”

to watch the sun rise from the hill

she walks the beach in the dark

one mile

to the other end

then back

and when she is back at our side

she exercises

and practices her Aikido forms

and practices with her bo, eh, Staff

i feel

somehow

more comfortable

knowing she is staying where i am

a seventy-something warrior protector

this morning

she was instructing a boy i’ve watched do other forms

she kept throwing him to the ground

. . .

though i can lock my room

the door could easily be broken in

i’ve found inconspicuous places to hide my passport

wallet

and cash

split up between various places

like a good immigrant

refugee

(we are all refugees now)

i feel i get this from my polish side

whenever i squirrel money away

i imagine i’m an old polish lady

during the war

(and forevermore)

/

“it’s better to finish something

rather than it

just

stopping”

/

since i’ve been here

most days

i’ve been eating fruit all morning

then have one cooked meal a night

now i have all these peanuts

i can have cooked meals less

fruit and protein

and multivitamins

who could ask for anything more?

. . .

some mornings i’ve done three hours of practice

meditation

yoga

qigong

push-up and sit-ups and back-lifts

some mornings i don’t do anything

every day i at least do my simple movements

and meditate a while

i’ve had a million ideas i could write

some way to help people panicking

sequestered at home

but i don’t have faith i can say anything useful

there’s so much information

everyone needs to be entertained

so i often think of sharing this silence with them

this noise

of the waves

this breath of the wind

this heat of the sun

and on the mornings i practice a lot

i identify with all beings

give the practice to all of us

whatever good that may do

open it up

offer it

spread it around

be out side

with the sun on you

you’re not a criminal for that

/

this beach is called

The Beach Of Death

it’s old indigenous name

maybe that’s because the rip tides kill a lot of people

maybe

as some old story said

they came here to push the bodies of their dead relatives into the waves

but it’s called the beach of death

i’ve been thinking about death the whole time i’ve been here

a friend told me

Mexicans think

having a fear of death

is Vulgar

they celebrate death

they party with it

every year they eat and dance with their dead relatives

. . .

i watched a bitch in heat being chased by a horny dog yesterday

eventually he will breed her

there will be more puppies

there will be more death

i haven’t seen any dead dogs here

but was surprised yesterday

when the gardner from long island

told me the dogs here often carry a sexually transmitted disease

. . . of course dogs have those too

i’d never thought of it

it was a horrible feeling

watching that bitch trying to fight off those horny male dogs

who kept pursuing her

it came up while i was meditating

i opened my eyes to it

and witnessed

and felt it

knowing she would eventually give in

they ran down the beach

and i closed my eyes again

man-o-war washed up on the beach a few days ago

yesterday

i found a swollen spiney puffer fish

(i picked it up in a coconut shell and took it to the trash- wouldn’t want to swim into that. . . or step on it in the dark)

i also saw a bird leg floating in the water where i was about to jump in

water filled with feathers

don’t want to jump in there

i moved on down the beach

and saw a dead fish with a very long snout today

thin long fish

what’s that?

why so much death today?

so much death every day

we just don’t often notice it.

i’d caught a dead seahorse my first week here when i was swimming in one of these feted tides

it seemed innocent

we all thought it was amazing i’d seen it floating in the muck

and caught it

/

i love watching the naked people walk by

yes

sometimes i love seeing the women’s bodies

any naked body gives me some joy

it’s the world i’d want to live in

and i am right now

but most of the men i’m attracted to

are walking with wives

not boyfriends

nice bearded guys with round muscular bellies

because they walk the beach many times a day

very tanned

the men come and go

after the first week here

i stopped trying to talk to all the ones i found attractive

i was reminded

it’s much better to enjoy from a distance

than get involved

many of them

i get to see every day

and there is an ever changing cast

i miss giving massage

but

maybe i’ll get to do that again some day

. . .

a big tall white daddy

walks down the beach

hand in hand

with his short, slim, mexican lover

i saw them laying on a blanket earlier today

there are a few couples i’ve talked with

it’s nice that they can travel together

and be happy together

sometimes

and touch

sometimes

. . .

a short, stocky mexican american from LA is here

we did a thai massage trade when he arrived

before the panic started

his husband is from indiana

he describes him as

“a big guy, like you”

and it’s all relative

i like big guys

in this situation

i’m the big guy

from indiana

simple and grounded (?)

strong and reassuring

i’ve been trying to help him with his phone for various things

try as we might

nothing works

like trying to help the german guy with his phone

like trying to fix the internet at the place i’m staying

it seems my tech powers are failing me

and/or

Mercury just really does not like being in Pisces

(“it’s least favorite sign”)

i spent four hours at the computer place today trying to fix my phone

i’m on the iphone upgrade program for the last two years

seems like a good idea, right?

a week after getting here

my phone bricked

it’s been a useless hot supercomputer displaying only an apple logo since then

whenever i plug it in

every few days

hoping something might change

i’ve waited to get it restored

thinking the new iOS would allow me to save my data

but doesn’t look like it will work like that

i’ll lose all the movies and books and recordings i brought with me

and the last 700 photos i took on it

i’m glad i brought my 5 year old phone with me that i’ve not updated the operating system on and optimized the battery and processor usage. . . it works enough.

three hours last week trying to restore the fancy new phone

internet crashed

fail.

tried it again today

his hacked itunes wasn’t connecting with the update server

“sorry: computer says No”

sorry: there is nothing you can do now

just wait

just wait.

///

i’m grateful i can meditate on the beach

i often do it at sunset

the propaganda has me always tuck my bag under my leg so it can’t be stolen

but the sea breeze keeps the flies off me

and whenever i open my eyes

it’s beautiful

sometimes

it’s beautiful through and through

inside and out

i keep practicing

. . .

the death tolls of the NYC celebrities are rolling in now

friends of friends

people i’ve never heard of

people i’ve admired

everyone has to die sometime

how are my friends doing?

how are the celebrities in LA doing?

they’re usually socially distant there, aren’t they?

i think of the cities

the air there

all the lungs already so irritated

i imagine riding my bike through the empty NYC streets

i’ve always been away from the city

when the blackouts happen

when the hurricanes strike

when the plague comes

i don’t plan it like that

sometimes i feel i’ve missed an opportunity

right now

i’m glad i’m not there

. . .

i ॐ into the fading colors of the sunset

i feel the pain in my chest

maybe it’s just my heart

the shengzhen point

maybe it’s not my bronchials at all

i’m just sad

and scared

how many little things bring tears to my eyes these last few weeks?

how many times a day?

in my meditation

i’m chanting

and tapping my chest

and images of

Terence McNally dying in a hospital bed come to mind

and then i think of all the nurses and doctors

working with the people panicking

freaking out

and dying

i think of them

some friends of mine

bravely

in the face of fear

it hurts

it’s terrifying to think of

oh yeah

i’ve been trying to practice compassion

this is the perfect opportunity

remain connected, not attached

open your heart into suffering

i move my attention closer to that image

while chanting

and tapping my chest

i open my heart to them

to their fear

to their fierceness

to their panic and exhaustion

to their suffering

i love you

thank you

i can sit in peace for a moment after that

the sky is dark when i open my eyes

Venus is bright

i’m so tired

/

it could just be a function of this schedule i’m on

again

my room is an acoustic shell

it’s location

i hear the bass thunder through this hill

perhaps from the blow hole at the point here

or the arch that the waves rush through just off the point

but the waves wake me up

they aren’t “soothing” decibel level waves

they are loud up here

when i had an ear infection

it was painful to hear them for a few days

i’m sleeping in this mostly cement room

underneath

a glorious hippie house

that was destroyed by a hurricane

about ten years ago

so it looks like a haunted house now

i’m in its basement

i guess

and there are three rooms next to me mostly wood

and

scarier than mine

i think

though the german artist loved the second-most dilapidated one

different tastes

anyway

the first day i slept here i loved the sounds

i slept with the door and window wide open

no one near me

perched on a cliff above a cove at the end of the beach

but the loud wave sounds woke me up at 5

i’ve been closing the door since then

at least to deflect some of the sound

but leave the window open

still

i’ve been waking up at five almost every morning

that’s about 90 mins before sunrise

sometimes i wake up at 4

sometimes, rarely, 6 or 7

the only time

i think

in my life

that i’ve regularly gone to sleep at 10pm

or earlier

and woken around 4 or five

regularly

is at those meditation retreats

so it’s been easy to bring meditation into my days here

and this

suggested social distancing

situation

is similar to meditation retreats as well

but with even more space

i wave at people

some friendly old codgers i’ve been friendly with

reach out and touch me with their elbows

touching elbows. . .

the panic pall settled over the beach

at least for me

and i just stopped being near people

rarey talk to anyone

and have started to find it exhausting when people talk at me

i needed a meditation retreat this year

i didn’t expect i’d get one at a place named after a romanticized asian paradise

that’s also on a nude beach

but i’m so appreciating the cool mornings

the clear skies

bright stars

early nights

early mornings

healthy wealthy and wise?

maybe eventually

. . .

/

chinese medicine has this idea of certain hours of the day being associated with specific elemental energies and organs

i got an app that tells you “natural time”

that is

sets the clock based on the sun being at its zenith to 12/noon

based on your gps location

we all have our exactly location pinpointed now, right?

may as well know what time it “really” is

i woke this morning

natural time

3am

which is the beginning of the Lung hour

coughed up some sputum

. . .

mars is making its way

almost halfway to saturn

/

yesterday

when i was washing my hands

and the plate

after cutting the pineapple

in the laundry room

mud room

sand room?

utility sink. . .

ah

see

my pleasant little cave of a room

in the basement of the destroyed house

on the cliff looking out over the whole bay

it’s. . . back stage

to get to it

i walk by the laundry area

the drying lines

the trash cans

always smelling of some rotting food

but not too bad

my room is far enough away

i don’t smell it

.. sometimes there are lots of ants i have to be careful of

the german was cutting his fruit and just throwing it off the cliff under our rooms

so i started doing the same

then the thousand ants showed up

walking right by our doors

and down the cliff

to cut up the grapefruit, banana, and papaya peels

to take the dust of this detritus

back to their nest

so many ants

not a problem

unless i stand in their stream

in the dark

when i walk out to look at the sky

they don’t like that

and pinch my toes

owwww!

what was i. . . ?

when

i

was

washing my hands

plates

yes

at the utility sink

the area

quite cluttered

washing machines

and buckets everywhere

wash rags had been emptied out of buckets

left next to the sink

and i noticed

that is

yesterday morning

a gecko

dead on the wash rag

the limbs entirely covered with ants

i looked into his open eyes. . .

had he climbed on the wash rags

and been instantly poisoned by their toxic cleaning chemicals?

such porous skin they must have. . .

the ants don’t seem to mind

. . .

i had a busy

disappointing day

again

the nice thing about the fatigue

was i was too tired to be frustrated or angry

i took a siesta

and when i got up

i ate something

or drank something

and wanted to wash my hands

i remembered the gecko

and looked over at him

. . . his bones were already exposed

all along his limbs

the sides of his ribs

his face was still intact

sorry buddy

of course

i wondered

what if i did die. . .

would people find me

before the ants stripped my body?

. . .

i’m sure this virus isn’t going to kill me

i was raised in a pandemic. . .

remember AIDS?

when i came to consciousness of sexuality

and being gay

the equation was: you’re gonna die

so i just assume i was going to die of AIDS

when i came out as being gay to my mom at 18

she cried for 4 hours

when i

then

appolgized to her for it upsetting her so much that i was gay

she said

“oh honey, i’m not crying because you’re gay. . . i’m crying because i don’t want to see you die of AIDS.”

oh

shit was real back then

did you know?

over three quarters of a million people still die of AIDS EVERY YEAR

there are about 39 million people living with HIV in the world

and over 20 million of them live in Africa.

so, yeah

i thought i would die in my 20s. . .

but in my mid 20s

the first time i paid rent in NYC

i had this strange paradigm shift

i had met many people in those recent years living with HIV

some of them were a fucking nightmare mess

but most of them were just fine

some of them were not even on meds

never had been

and never had significant health problems

i had an HIV+ lover in California

(what a beast he was. . . )

suddenly

i realized i wasn’t going to die of AIDS

and it was like getting smacked in the face by the sky

like i slid sideways against what i thought was reality

and found myself standing on the wall

which was now

the new ground

i saw myself as an old man

long grey hair and beard

fuck

really?

i’m

going to live to be old?

i was simultaneous relieved and exasperated

how very gemini of me

. . .

ah

so

i haven’t ever been worried about this novel virus killing me

i just. . . know it won’t

it’s not my time yet

i am worried about it killing people i like

coz i like a lot of old people

i’ve always found old people so beautiful

i don’t want them to die

but they all will eventually.

. . .

i watch the fat old men i find beautiful walking the beach

and i think of this rare window in history

when so many people can be fat

and can go anywhere they want

and do anything they want

everything changes

we can’t get away with it forever

but it’s been fun, right?

for some of us. . .

. . .

i woke up this morning

my clock reading 3:47

what the fuck

everything felt

wrong somehow

i shuttered a deep cough

and thick tarry sputum came up

that’s the word

fuck.

i lay there with it in my mouth

my entire being one long sigh

i got out of bed and spat the symptom over the cliff

i looked up at mars

making his way towards saturn

almost at the midpoint

the three of them were making a very flat obtuse triangle

damn

i felt exhausted

annoyed

dreary

i did not want to be awake

and i didn’t want to have to go through this

but this is what’s happening

i blessed my water

as i’ve being doing

almost every morning

for a year

connecting with the archetype of Water/Yin

channeling it

into the bottle

asking this water in the bottle to be imbued with these archetypal qualities

to dissolve all energy blocks

remove all sickness and misfortune

cleanse all negative energies

and nourish the body

i told my body to let this water do that

then i told the water i loved it

and thanked it

and drank it

i got back in bed

and listened to the rave thumping

of the waves crashing and echoing

somewhere in this hill

causing the whole rock i’m on to rumble

hmmmmmmm

i wanted to go back to sleep

i did not want to sit up and meditate

i did not want to be awake

but it is what it is

i lay there for a while

feeling like leftovers

eventually

i saw the light coming into the sky

i stared at it

then got up

and started my morning exercises

i’ve been doing a lot of abdominal work lately

reverse breathing

then

kalabatamdjtbr kti

i don’t remember the word

emptying the lungs with the tongue out

locking the throat and pelvis

and pulling the abdomen in and up as high as it will go

then using the abdominal muscles to creates waves

to wring out the organs

shake them up

clean them

then this

plowing the field

abdominal self massage

my organs have been so sore. . .

. . . it ends with a “dragon breath”

which is a high whistling squeal as the air pops back into your lungs (which helps clean them)

then the lung sound

sssssss

ah

oh

yeah

i should probably do the six healing sounds

⁃ a qigong exercise to clean negative emotional energy from your organs

so i started doing that

a loose informal intimate friendly version of it

and i found so much garbage in my organs’ energy fields!

this practice can often lead to belching

. . . i was belching this morning more than i ever remember

not surprisingly

there was tons of toxic Worry in my pancreas and spleen and stomach

tons of Fear in my kidneys

. . . sorry guys, i should have cleaned you sooner

not too surprisingly

i felt very happy after this

and went down to the beach to do my next set of exercises and chan suu chin

(but didn’t go swimming coz i noticed the water for the showers wasn’t working this morning: happens some times. . . imperfect world, even in paradise. . . and i’ve also noticed my skin gets unhappy if i lay around and sweat with dried sea water salt on my skin)

my body was stinky

but felt so much better

but still

tired

it said

that was enough

and i lay down

and talked with a few friends about Death.

Death is a very important topic.

people, i think, are totally insane where Death is concerned. . . which is most places. . . so people are all insane all over their lives. it’s frustrating for me. Thanks Terence.

. . .

i asked what would happen if we didn’t take these extreme measures

what if we just went about business as usual

and let those who got the disease die?

it would still

probably

be less than the amount of people who die every year from heart problems or cancer

why didn’t we do that?

it’s completely mind blowing to me

that the power and economic structures of the world chose to freeze like this

in my wildest imagination

i never thought this would happen

it’s done something strange to me

i’m just as likely to believe The Aliens Are Coming

or The Faery Kingdom will reveal itself

or the earth will crack open

out soaring Dragons and Unicorns and Leviathan

who the fuck knows!?!

anything can happen now!

anything horrifying

anything healing. . . anything good. . .

sure: greedy money monsters might decide to give money back to the people

the entirety of society might change

for the better!

or it could all get worse

who knows!?!

there are so many conspiracy theories

about this disease being engineered to kill off the older people who are not part of the work force

so governments wouldn’t have to keep paying for their social health

too much of a burden!

or to enact new measures of social control

or all these other crazy things

but let’s not entertain any of them right now

let’s go with the main stream accepted stories

why did the world go into isolation and lock down?

is it because they are afraid of death?

yes yes

i understand “flattening the curve”

but that is to try and have less people die from the inability of the medical system to help them

. . . which is already happening in many cases

(not treating people over 60!)

it’s about having less people die from this disease

even though more people are going to die from causes that aren’t “novel” this year

than are going to die from this virus

why?

i asked a friend

he said “i don’t believe i should die. especially not this young. i think science is getting close to where death can be an option”

i thanked him for being honest with me

i told him to try and look at that statement from the perspective of everything in the natural world

and even in our economic society

and see that it’s INSANE

of course we should all die

do you want to wear one suit of clothes forever? they wear out!

do you use the same phone or tablet or computer for . . . more than a decade? could you use it forever?

when everything changes so fast?

old technology is no longer compatible. . .

of course

bodies get rigid and brittle with time

so do their personalities

their egos

and societies and paradigms are always changing

dying allows these to slough off

leaves falling from a tree

old trees dying

new ones growing. . .

turns out he’s a christian

an operating system i found far too claustrophobic and limited

it helps that i believe in reincarnation

and can identify “my true self” (absurd!) with all of existence

and everything outside of existence too

there is no End with death

just a constant changing

. . .

i’ve not been washing my hands constantly

but then

i’m only outside of my own room

touching things

usually once a day

so when i go out

i’ve been washing my hands with copper

is this effective?

i don’t know

i read a story that talked about the squalid living conditions of people in the copper smelting plants in france during the cholera epedemics

. . . but the found that so many more of them survived . . .

the numbers were drastically different in their communities

it was later discovered that copper has a natural antiseptic (antibacterial/ antiviral) function

they were sanitizing their hands all the time

compared to the average person a that time

i have tons of copper in all my various things in america

and don’t have any of them with me here

except my copper water bottle

and i always leave that in my room

so i put a plastic cover on it to keep the dust out

and took the o-ring off the screw top lid

all copper

whenever i go out eat

handle money

touch the table

handle food

i rub my hands with the lid

hold it

play with it

maybe it helps

maybe it’s better than hand sanitizer

. . .

i’ve talked with some of the people who have spiritual fascinations

people who have devoted lots of their life to silence and isolation

we are ok with this social distancing

as much as we can be

it’s amazing to me that

now

everyone is on a meditation retreat

they can use that time

sure

to just entertaining themselves

there is no end of entertaining garbage to fill the gourd with

Animal Crossing looks great

there are tons of free movie databases

and

infinite series of shows to stream

but people

perhaps

have more opportunities to pause and see what they are thinking and feeling

there’s also infinite tools for meditation out there

apps

talks

books

videos

all telling you to

stop doing

practice being at peace

abandon what disturbs peace and clarity

open the heart

practice keeping the heart open with kindness

and deciding not to generate fear and anger

and greed

we are all on retreat now

are we making any time to learn to be at peace with ourselves?

to face our fears?

to be at peace with our death?

to set ourself free

from all these unnecessary worries?

. . .

i had a very lazy day yesterday

but felt noticeably better

i kept drinking my herbal tinctures

and hibiscus tea

and napping

i am very grateful

i slept well last night

after mediating on the hill top

watching the sickle of the new moon

set below venus

i “slept in” til about 5:30 this morning

woke up feeling

Well

i did some exercises down on the beach

with very good concentration

did the energy cleaning of the organs

and it wasn’t nearly so congested

but a wise thing to do daily for a while

and when i massaged my abdominal organs

i noticed the soreness was gone

i climbed on some

rocks

it felt

again

like i was adventuring

exploring

and i saw the blowhole i’d been hearing

spurting a rainbow mist from the waves

then i swam a bit

then had some fruit

poured out last night’s tea

and went to lay in my hammock and respond to messages

but felt tired

so put my phone down and slept in my hammock over two hours

so grateful for good rest

finally, what i was trying to do to help that fella

has worked

a million work-arounds

one of them worked

the venezualean girl i met a few weeks ago replied to my message

and let me use her partner’s computer to restore my phone

it might actually work this time

i’ve been sitting here for hours waiting for the iOS update to download

my lungs still hurt a little

but i’ve no fever or headache today

and i can still smell fine

and i haven’t coughed once

i’ve had time to read through this whole rambling

edit it a bit

clarify a few points

fix the typos

sorry i’m not perfect

sorry it’s been so long

there’s been so much uncertainty and worry

and it’s not over

but i’m so grateful i get moments of peace at least

so grateful i’m in a beautiful place

that is more free of panic

if not entirely free

i can always listen to the waves

. . .

i have very limited internet here

i’m sad i can’t be making videos

or joining all the streaming heart circles and concerts and performances and classes

but i’m ok with being on retreat

something i’ve been working on for the last year

is the idea of unconditional . . .

unconditional love

unconditional happiness

unconditional faith. . .

that’s tricky

as i always associated that word

faith

with a whole paradigm i didn’t like

but i’ve redefined it

to me

now

it means

knowing

believing

everything will be Ok

everything will find balance

and in fact

as Max Ehrmann said

“And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” – https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

since humans have existed

countless people have lived and died

and loved

countless cities and civilizations have flourished

and fallen

and risen anew

since live has existed on this planet

countless iterations have burgeoned

evolved

been wiped out by tragedies unimaginable

or to make your toilet paper

i’m time

life will begin again

after whatever catastrophy befalls it

on this planet

and others

there is nothing to worry about

if you let go of yourself

and everything you know

oh

keep living and stuff

but don’t

you know

hold onto anything

think it should be

any other way than it is

. . .

i have compiled

and started many writings

wanting to deal with this

but all of this i just jotted out over the last few days

this is enough

it’s my version of this experience

try as i might

i don’t have any answers

but i love you

i’m glad you’re here

and i want you to be well

thank you for existing