burgers and cows

. . .

i gave myself the morning.

Goat wakes up earler than i do
and
on account of my energy expendature yesterday
i lay in bed while he worked out
closing my eyes from the light
and hearing the metal squeeking and crashing
against his grunts as he worked out
i layed around
Lazy.

a usual morning for me:
i’d not had one since i arrived here

so i drank some lemonade
and used the out house
washed my hands
and helped Goat get the cap off the pick up

we came into town
and i set about learning how to use my new DVD burner
closing windows
researching sondheim
and how and when i could get DSL here.

i got hungry around 1
so set off to get a burger from “Joe’s”
a place i ate a few days ago
the only restaurant liked better than McDonald’s in this town..

but on the walk down
i saw another place
Ms. Terri’s Kitchen

so i went in there to order a burger…

a double burger..

i walked in and saw a guy behind the counter
and rows of tables
i shielded my eyes
picked up a menu
stared
“mmm, a bit more expensive, but..”
and then looked up

i was terrified

it’s one thing
walking into a joint like this with a group of guys
but to walk in alone…

all of these people who are in a completely different world than i am

no
i am an alien here
wandering in…
am i in the wrong place?
is there any way i can escape?

i walk up to the register and order my double burger
speaking quietly
no cheese, no
the… vegetables, please
and mustard
yeah

ok
thanks.

i sit down
and my eyes unfocus

the TV
the conversations

my gaze seems to settle on a wedding band
on a big meaty hand
relaxing on the back of another chair

behind it, in the field, is a double chin
hair combed back: bald spot
huge belly.

in front of
Him
is another
huge belly
in overalls
old
waddle
cane
drinking his soda pop

a man in a blue shirt gets up in the back
he’s huge
even his “buisness shirt” looks like it’s got stretch marks

the man in front of me has his back to me

i admire the stitching
and contrast the tailor-ship of it
compared against the shapeless sleevless purple thing
the waitress is wearing
he face is kinda melted
when she catches my eye
all of the excess flesh formes into a carnival-esque smile

he has a soft-looking mat of golden hair rising above his neck
as he rips apart his fried chicken

it’s like there’s no air in here

90% of the people in here are grossly obese
and though i’m always attracted and interested in fat old men
for some reason now
i’m terrified

i want to run
but i have to wait for my burger

everything feels greasy

my overalls are unbuttoned at the crotch

i fumble with modesty
and wait

watching shirts hanging over distented bellies

an old hippy-farmer type smiles at me
he’s cute
almost fit in comparison
great beard

i like the country life
but this is a bit to shocking for me

the waitress who took my order smiles
and tells me my burger is done
so i run up to pay

the huge business man is chatting
she lets me go around him
he doesn’t notice me

did anyone?
(i saw them staring… but none of us are making eye contact)

when i come out side
i exhale loudly
take a deep breath
and shudder
like a wet dog

Wow
can i survive here?

i keep thinking this as i walk past the McD’s
the expanse of concrete
the tasteless buildings

i remind myself:
i don’t live here
i live in the forest

i just need DSL
and i can do some art on the internet
and avoid most of this town…

the burger is so greasy..
so greasy the fat bleeds through the foil
i eat it
and feel slick and heavy all the rest of the day
overcome by pictures on silverdaddies
DVD projects
and wondering what i should do…

install FireFox for Goat
imagine what i can do to be a good lover and friend
where are my other friends?
reply to some emails
stare at the screen
waiting for downloads on dial-up

wow.

back to the mountain
i think i’ll stay away for a few days.