before i left for NYC

Umm
alright
so
i found out about this NYC deal back on march 7th
i kept it secret for a few people
some: just for surprise
some
because i didn’t really want them to smother me as soon as i got there
(yup)
but now i feel everyone knows:
i’m moving to NYC today
got an apartment on the lower east side with my friend Bridget
and i’m very excited about that.
anyway
i wrapt up my SF stay after that
started gathering my self together
saying good-bye to people
having some last tastes…
staying in SF for a long time makes me feel bad though
so i was constantly feeling pissy
i got a ride up to Harbin Hot Springs with two friends
they spent the night
we went to the springs again in the morning
(where i met a beautiful man named “Bernard”)
and then Leo got back
the next day
Leo had a sex date coming over
and so i decided to see if i could meet up with my friend
the horse farmer
it didn’t work out that night
and i messed up
not hearing my phone ringing
so i missed Bernard and his partner, Jeff, Visiting
the HorserFarmer cancelled as well
— we decided to meet the next night down at Harbin
when Leo’s “friend” arrived
he took one look at me and spun on his heel; mumbled his hello
running out on the deck as quickly as possible
i felt pretty repulsive
but apparently this was his way of showing his attraction for me
a note to all of you Painfully Shy People…
(wink)
“ask me, i won’t say ‘no’, How Could i?”
-m
anyway
i felt really pissy with the whole situation as the night went on
my heart kinda turned in
for many reasons…
i wrote about it
so i wont reiterate
the next day i left to meet up with the farmer
and thought i’d be late
but drove in directly behind him
— it was so nice to see him
like an old friend
(i’ve only know him a month?!)
and we were kinda shocked to see they had no rooms available…
we enjoyed the water anyway
dangerously close
so many times
to just having sex in the water…
i swam by him once and put his cock in my mouth!
dangerous!
they’ll throw you out for having sex in the public pool…
but there are no private pools at Harbin…
and have you ever had sex… played… made love
in a natural hot spring?
oh… when i lived in oregon…
Ugh…
we left there after i’d satiated my last taste of the hot and the cold
the hot and the cold
the swimming under the stars
the sickle moon
i was very tired
very tired
had i slept the night before?
almost not at all
hard to drive
follow him…
past the familiar roads
through windy dark ones
— i almost hit some kids walking on the side of the road!
not really, i just didn’t swerve
didn’t notice them until i was upon them
ugh
just after that
we got to the hotel
a travelodge
all of the soap had little bear paws on it…
i was very giddy
it was a pitty
i was so exhausted
because he is such an excellent lover
how can i say this over and over again?
making love! Making Love!
its so rare to really be able to feel love with people
to make love with people
Blessings on your heads, mr Farmer
blessings on both of us!
blessings on all of you reading this
make love!
anyway
he had to leave at 3am or something crazy like that to make a flight in sacremento ( two hour drive )
left me sleeping
my hair splayed on the white sheets
hotel rooms are so creepy…
i’d unplugged the fridge when i came in the room
just feels weird in there.
…
drove back to the hermitage
scattered all my stuff together
completely dismantled “my room”
and left only the dust and detrius on the floor:
we had to leave
no time to vacume.
the time in Ft Bragg went very quickly as well…
the constant rain and fog
some conversations…
good meals
cuddling
on saturday
Leo took me to another parishoner’s house
she grew up there
but had lived all over the world with her European husband
the house was on nearly 200 acres of land…
she took Leo and i for a walk
with her two Dalmatians (one was black with white spots, one was white with black spots)
she had skiing poles in each hand
she’s 74
she took us to see a tree
that was over 1000 years old
in a RedWood Family
about 7 trees
in a circle around a big hole
where the Grandfather had once been
it was such a good way to say good-bye to northern california
-(i got on the plane)-
but what happened the rest of the day?
we left there for the little town of Mendocino
to buy cookies from the shop
who always put them on 1/2 off sale the last 1/2 hour they are open
but
since we’d last been there
they stopped making cookies
now they’re just a coffee shop
i ran up the street and turned the corner
trying to beat the sunset: it looked like we had a good forty-five minutes left
Leo has a parishioner here who owns an Ice Cream shop
( you know small towns: tourist traps every other step )
the boy working the counter
was really out of it
the labels of the German Chocolate and Chocolate Cookie Dough were reversed
and
though i ordered the German
he scooped up the Cookie…
he handed it to me
and i noticed
commented
and he took it back
wondering what to do with it
i said
“if you’re just going to throw that away, i demand you give it to me”
so he did.
and piled another scoop of the dark and rich German Chocolate on top of it
— Leo got Pistachio
and we walked briskly back to the car to head out to the Headlands…
around the cliffs
past the big old houses
the sun had set already
not behind the earth, as my timing was calibrated on
but behind the clouds over the ocean
— i always forget about those.
we parked the car at the old gay cruising spot
not so much anymore.. where is?
a beautiful jutting point that reaches out into the sea
creating a peaceful bay on one side
and admitting a rough one on the other
when he’d taken me here the last time… the first time…
i ran down the pacific side and splashed around in the tide pools:
i found an Abelone shell
and took it home as a treasure…
this time i ran down looking for another
but the tide was high
and i couldn’t run around as much
i stood down there in that cove
looking up at the houses
the sky
the rocks
the waves…
i felt so alone
in almost a desperate way
i wanted to be feeling something sad about my aloneness
but it wasn’t sad
it was just a fact:
Leo was up on the cliff
i was the one off exploring
and i was on my own.
i looked up
and he just stood there
looking down at me.
it’s cold
standing still in the wind
so i ran back up the precarious incline
and he sauntered off towards a canadian goose
who got scared
and jumped off the cliff
his dramatic arc down
drew our eyes to the sea
which was smashing so hard against the rocks
everything looked like pristine milk
i followed the birds path
now on the other beach
and ran out on a small hill somewhat distanced from the main peninsula
connected only by a strip of land a hip’s width
i was so close to the world there
the water
the sound
the feeling that rush of air…
i returned towards Leo
then thought i saw a shell
and scampered down the face of the cliff
— he was very worried
and when i realized that wasn’t a shell
i turned to climb back up the twenty feet i had come down
a HUGE wave broke right in front of me
i was shocked
waited my turn
and ran up the hill
it crumbling under all my hand holds,
very gentle…
when i got up
he told me one bit at my heels…
on our way back to the house
he insisted on a bottle of wine
( i wrote about this already )
laying next to him in the dark
i felt terrible
so got up
with the intention of making him another CD
and finishing off whatever i was doing in the 8000 windows i had left open on my laptop
so i could shut it down: give it some rest
but the dawn was breaking in the sky
just as the sun hit Equinox
around 5am
when Leo staggered into the room
bleary with last night’s drinking
and dreaming
asking me if i’d been up all night…
then falling back into bed.
i didn’t sleep at all
just didn’t feel comfortable
and
maybe it was because i was leaving?
i rarely sleep before i’m going some where Big
and i was going Home…
this was really my first step towards going Home…
See
over the last week
every time i walked a street
stuck a fork into cake
drank some tea
made some tea…
the feeling hit me
that soon i would be doing this in New York
and how that would make it all much more meaningful
somehow
the chocolate cake in New York would be closer to its ideal
more real
i could feel the pull of my destiny
beckoning me into my fate
what a strange feeling…
Home.
ever since i was a teenager
people asked me if i was from New York
i guess i’ve got family there
i know i’ve got a brother
and i know i’ve got a sister
how many fathers?
(laughs)
and who’s my mother?
i’ll do it myself for a while…
the ride down to SF was great
the rain was a bitch
i was really tired
my eyes hurt
i realized i had left my warm leather jacket up in fort bragg
Stephen, my Chariot
also a gemini
originally from boston
we had great conversation
— i played him music
he told me about his loves
his doubts
his desires
as best he knew them
he asked me about my goals, my loves, my current relationships
— we both helped clarify eachother.
then he dropped me off at the UGH
and i settled in and set my stuff up
wondered what to do in the city
— began my process:
i had three full days
the first would be rest
Sunday Dinner
conversations
then on the telephone
setting up the next few days
Monday morning
online banking
changing my location to NYC
buying a sound system for the apartment
then heading out the door
where did i go Monday afternoon?
Ah
— there’s this guy i’d talked with about sex
quite a few times over the last year
a little over a week ago
we had a conversation that made him much more attractive to me
oh, it’s an old tale in this town, but that one about connection
i took the J-Church train up to his house
not too far from Clipper Street
where i’d come two weeks before
— a beautiful view from his window
this town has so many different towns in it…
the sex seemed awkward at first
he was a man who claimed himself as a “top”
but didn’t act like it
— his body shivvered
i know that subtle fear
i took the lead
and incorporated technique from my Horse Farmer
i became him
i was his body
the boy beneath me was me
with such a great grin i looked down to return the favour
to see the surprise come over his face..
we lay on the bed in a twisted knot of our bodies
comfortable
talking…
he told me about a man he was in love with
in the tentative and reserved… shy way he seemed to have
the guy had written a book about gay men having a baby
a novel
where one guy gets the other pregnant
and then they raise the child
“it’s a metaphor”
he said
Yes….
sweetness
he gave me the new Marianne Faithfull album
which was mostly written by PJ Harvey, a bit of Nick Cave
with a tiny bit of Jon Brion and Damon Albarn
Exciting!
“before the poison” they called it
klds…
he gave me a ride to another man’s house up on twin peaks
a guy i’d been talking with for nearly two years
a 74 year old with a sweet southern accent
we sat and told stories to each other for a while
then cuddled
then impressed eachother…
he said he wanted to feel what it felt like…
that picture he saw of me
bent over backwards like that…
and offered his talents to me
— such a sweet connection
i felt him nourishing me
with lust, desire, appreciation
then he decided he wanted to cum
so we had to perform his fetish
i came before he did
it was a long haul
many attempts
three bottles of popper
“oh, this one’s too old, it’s no good”
eventually i let him rest
we cuddled and talked
then started up again
this time he found his path
carried it out
and blossomed
— i don’t even think any semen came out
but his energy opened up like the sunrise
and i flowed into him and explored his universe
once again
i felt like i was being bathed in a nutrient bath
i sat on my knees and breathed in this life
breathing into him the life i have
we were like this for . . .
then i showered
the rain came down harder
and i went to the busstop to wait…
the 37 connected me to the Castro
the Castro offered me the F-line street car
on it
waiting for it to move
was a big man with a cane
white beard
and eyes that had used up their openness on vistas i could only imagine
i sat across from him
and just looked at him
— i felt so drawn
so i switched sides
and sat near him…
when the train started moving
i felt compelled to speak and asked
‘ were you at IBR? ‘
he said
” what’s that? ”
i figured i’d made a mistake
‘ oh, nothing, forget it ‘
“No, what’s an IBR?”
-he motioned me to sit next to him
so i slide over, nearly against his side
‘ ah… the [mumble]internationalbearrondevous …’
“Oh yeah, i was there Monday night…
this kid picked me up and took me to his hotel, the Hyatt
i stayed the night
and he got me a taxi home in the morning… ”
i told him i was on my way to give a massage
” Oh! that’s great, why don’t you come over and work on me? i need some massage ”
Direct, yes.
but not tonight
i was still really tired
and knew i would be shot after this session
plus, i had plans…
i transferred from the f-line to the j-church again
pasted where i’d got off last time
and continued down near Balboa Park
— i had worked on this guy last year
and he was one of the first clients i had
who
after the session
asked me out on a date
the massage was nice
in that i think i made him feel good
but it made me sad
because we talked a lot
he’s HIV+ and it came about in a tragic kinda way
and though he seemed very clear about his thoughts and feelings
i kept feeling like he was hiding somewhere
— a cigarette smoker, a bit of pot, yeah
he had this twist locked up somewhere
and though i believed his view
i still kept trying to get him out of the stuck place i perceived him in…
until i realized that
he just needed that now in his life..
Alright
Huuuuu
let it go.
i walked back to the Train Stop
and my prospective date for the evening ( a man i met about three years ago and found interesting… but have never managed to get together with again, though we’ve nearly met in europe and other places around california… )
fine by me
i went back to UGH
talked a bit
wrote a bit
answered some of my massage ads
(i’m getting tons of clients in Boston and Philly and DC… which will keep me fed as well as mobile… which will help me root down, i believe… tapering off my inertia)
anyway
i put myself to bed promptly Monday Night
and passed out next to Paul while he was reading…
in the morning
i got out the door as early as i could (which was slightly before 10)
to go work on this man i had met on the F-Line
he was 64
a sailor
originally from Buffalo
had lived in this same house in SF for 40 years
“i had to go out and sleep in my boat last night, the weather was perfect for it: rocked me right to sleep”
that is, it was raining and the wind was blowing a gale
he was too beautiful
i cuddled and talked with him
a big story teller
he went on and on
as soon as i admitted to enjoying his tales…
and i worked on him for about 45 minutes
before he had to rush off…
i stood on his door-step
beautiful old victorian
brushing my hair in the wind:
rain was pouring down.
eventually
i realized it wasn’t going to let up
so i just headed over to where i had to go
catching the street-car for what distance i could go
then walking from Market
down Sanchez
to 18th street
where the sewage drain was blocked
and a lake was forming
i don’t mind walking in the rain, it made me smile, skip steps
i always feel vitalized
as it falls through me…
a half hour early for my date
i walked into Samovar
My friend that i hadn’t seen in 4 years was already there.
she was interviewing a prospective house-mate
so couldn’t talk with me.
i sat down at the table next to her
ordered some tea (honeybush and hibiscus)
and let myself come to rest
drinking in the rain
letting myself expand into the emptiness of everything
then i ordered a Polenta Ginger Waffle
drizzled with honey
i ate it with my fingers
ripped it apart
cast it into my mouth
or just ripped at it with my teeth
when that was gone
i walked around
looked at the sweets
the tea leaves
used the toilet
washed the stickiness off my fingers
and smoothed my hair
walked back out in to the restaurant
to open the door and usher in my other friend, Sara
the interview over
G and S and i began catching up
telling stories
talking about dreams and adventures
G hadn’t slept more than a few hours a few nights a week since she moved to SF two months ago
— she’d been living very rural for the last 7 years
hmmm
sara would do some body work on her to help her come to awareness and balance
… i ate steamed duck
we had more tea
lemongrass chai…
then we all had to go
time for my next client, nearly
and they both had stuff to do
G wanted a copy of Butt
so i went to Books Inc. to see if they still had some
but the new issue had come in
so i asked if they had returned the last issues yet..
and they hadn’t
so i got them to hold one for G
bought a new one for myself
(an interview with a guy named “Dominic”… hmmmmm)
and got back on the F-line
to head to the BART
but while waiting for the train
a boy walked up to me that i’d met at the LAB art opening two months ago
so brimming with possibilities
he was one of those that had intrigued and attracted me
– i was happy to get this opportunity to talk with him
we got off at the same stop
i was going to walk back to UGH to get my rain coat (Leo had mailed my leather jacket to me) and he lived near there
but
stopping at his front door
we were awkward
started kissing
he said
“do you want to see my basement?”
‘ oh yes! ‘
on down we went…
some kids had been filming down there
built a fake ceiling made to look the fridge fell through it
crashed through the wall…
we began our dance
clothed
he pulled over a chair
sat me down in the gentle light coming down from the street above
stood back and looked at me
while working himself into excitement
it was a fun dance
kids
our creativity and exploration
good kissing
nice belly
— and i had my camera on me
took some grainy B&W shots when we’d finished
hugged
i was late now to catch the train
so i went running down the street to get down to Millbrae to meet my client–
that beautiful man i’d met at Harbin.
-(battery ran out on the lap top, now i’ve landed and been talking with bridget for hours, eating chocolate and cheese, and i’m listening to Feist now…)-
This Beautiful Man is like…
Hawaii
-polynesian/african/spanish/puerto rican/apache/irish?
something like that
he’s waiting for me when i get off the Train
about 15 minutes later than i’d hoped to be
but he was cool
we just hugged
and we were in the car
and he was singing to me in hawaiin
and IZ was playing
and over the san mateo bridge
and the stories of his life
and the stories
and the energy was coursing
and what can you say?
there’s universal love
and there are wounds
and hopes and desires and Gratitude!
it was a very human experience
i mean
transcendent
and down and dirty:
Whole.
anyway
we ended up just loving on eachother for a few hours at first
blowing up
cycling back
i started giving him the massage
it flowed well
went about two and a half hours
-(i’ve been in NYC many days now, swept up in the flow. it’s tuesday the 29th, i’m on the plane to Minneapolis)-
after the massage
we went down to the kitchen
to much on fresh baby greens and pecans
he had a salad similar… but with eggs..
then we broke out some Berry Pie from a local Baker
Ohhh! with Vanilla Ice Cream
OH!!!
we laughed and kissed and ate our sweets
i took some pictures of him in the bed
we tussled again
it was time to go, though
the rain was pouring down
driving around the town… what town?
hayward…
driving around that town
the rain pouring down
pausing to miss stop lights
coz we were kissing on the empty shiny streets…
i got on the BART
and missed meeting a man i’d wanted to meet on my way back
just too late
… this guy,, this guy from Alabama who’d been living in SF for a while…
i just took the train down to the Mission
jumped out and ran, though the rain, (well, not so much ran as “stormed” through the rain)
to Pancho Villa
they closed in about five minutes
i grabbed my last Carne Asada Burrito
which is what i’ll miss most from SF.
of course
by the time i got out of the restaurant (10 minutes later?)
the rain had dissipated to a drizzle…
i walked up the street to the Sailor’s house
and knocked
and rang the phone
… and wondered… waited…
eventually the friendly/grumpy roommate answered the door
grumbling
yeah, a little after midnight
my sailor had fallen asleep
i took off my clothes
and climbed in beside him
belly full of burro
and not all that sleepy
but only cuddled with him for little while
coz he passed out so quick
and i was so awake..
i lay
listened to his breathing, his snoring
went through my days
felt the pull…
looked at the clock
was it 12:23?
i took a picture
i turned around and took little infrared pictures of the sailor as he was sleeping
his face that had seen so much wind and waves
so smooth in the darkness of sleep
that calm…
…
i fell asleep
…
in the morning
there was only a little cuddling
he must have got up before me
and just as he couldn’t stay awake at night
he couldn’t let me sleep
and talked loudly
chuckling at his humour
telling me stories
then insisting he fix me some Cappuccino
i almost never do coffee anymore
and didn’t want any today
and though i told him
.. he made it for me anyway
from powder
and threw ice cubes in there
i smiled, shook my head, and took tiny sips off the watery membrane on top.
OK..
he had a “Box Grand Piano” or something called something like that
he didn’t really play all that much
but was great at scales and cords and such
so he wanted to teach me
it’s real early morning…
but i start hammering away at the piano
not just a cute daddy-bear-sailor
but also a piano teacher!
i loved it
playing playing
every time i’d stop
he’d insist i keep practicing
the roommate got grumbly and suggested i stop
and then we needed to go anyway
and as we were leaving
my friend got obsessed with this towing guy trying to steal a car
why did he think the towing guy was stealing the car?
it wasn’t his car…
hmmm
good-intentioned crotchety old men
(laughs)
he shooshed me on
and i headed up the street
calling numbers on my phone
checking voice mail
looking for that guy i wanted to meet from alabama
maybe the guy from london?
no one had called me
no one’s picking up
ok
i walked back to Paul’s
organized things
got some stuff together
then Mr Bama called me
so i headed down town to see him
he met me on the street
and i felt instantly comfortable with him
we rode the lift up to his flat
and began an elaborate dance right there in front of his door
i staggered out of my boots
the rest of my clothes
climbed around
suspended off his ottoman and his breakfast counter
such a beautiful body!
perfect to touch in every way (for me)
the furr and muscle and belly
nice shaped size
he took me to the bed
and we drove eachother to screaming
and such temptation…
then we settled in
and got to talking
another one!
if i’d not been leaving
i would want to see this guy every day!
he speaks with a Lucky Lisp
is also a sailor
a small town boy
travelled the world everywhere
lived with a farmer for four years as i desire to do
— has done many things i want to do
and he’s doing what i want to do now
just being settled
but he doesn’t feel settled in SF either
— he just wants to be somewhere that it’s OK to be gay
but it’s not such a big deal
i suggest Europe
oh yes
i must be going…
and down the street
under bridges
past the homeless encampments
i get the voicemail from this guy from London
but now it’s too late
i’m running out of time
i jump on the train
and head down to balboa park one last time
appreciating yet again
delores park
and the beautiful twisting up through the precarious houses
the water
all these people
the green
forever views…
i cuddle with my friend
then he drives me to Rainbow
where i buy this WONDERFUL cheese for my trip
and other supplies… water and juice.. dates…whole rye bread…
then back to UGH
Everyone is gone, though
so i pack my stuff together
then open the garage door to get my suit cases
and there is a sexy guy in there!
long beard
wicked grin
he Really wished i wasn’t in such a rush to get to the airport
but
you know me
i was leaving it to the last moment
…
and Kwai called me and told me he was just around the corner in the Tandoori Grill
where i ate with Sara last week
but no time!
we rush off to the airport
no real difficulty getting through security
but when i get to the gate
they announce the flight has been delayed 2 hours
(laughs)
OK
thank you mercury retrograde in Aries
what do i do?
i looked around for a plug
had to move my stuff over to a net-work area
and paid 6 dollars to get onto the Wi-Fi
then opened my Network connections
and found an apple-talk connection called “Sarah”
so i logged into it
and dropped the song “No Cars Go” by the Arcade Fire into the drop box
and a note telling her a bit about me and the song and my LJ…
then wrote for a while
and eventually got on the plane.
sat next to a big woman…
with a small child (17 months)
she was often hitting him
and yelling at him
it must be hard to be a mother
but i hate having to witness this..
so i am as nice to the boy as possible
let him play with my leather coat
let him play with my crystal balls
play games with eyes and energy
i try reading “Margery Kemp” again
and it makes much more sense now that i’ve talked with Bob about it
i watch a bit of “Sideways” on the directTV
and find it irritating
like a bad TV Movie
so dreadfully heterosexual
(laughs)
i couldn’t sleep
and my lap top battery died before i could write about my experience of leaving…
but i landed with little problem and much relief
things didn’t go as they said they were going to go
but i managed to figure things out
and everything felt so comfortable
i’m so glad to be home…