be careful what you ask for

i want to live
i want to be a real person
i want to be happy, successful
full of love and very loving
i want to give
i want to be honest and true…
i work against these sometimes.
i left the island with the Argentine boys today
Fernando and Ernand…
São Sebasitão is a nice little town in the day light…
at the bus station
i took a randomn leap
and went to visit Camburi beach
foregoing the farm
beause i would get there much to late…
and didn’t go to that beach
went to another
where i knew i could catch a bus back to São Paulo..
but then i thought i missed the bus
by seconds even!
i sat and was angry at myself
and wondering what was wrong
but then the buss pulled up
on the buss i began to get very horny
my lust
oh
and the men
(fingers and licking)
masturbating a bit, in the dark
oh, but before the sun set
the mountains
the light
the waterfalls
i have never seen another place like this on earth
the hills rise and fall so sharply
water all around
clouds hanging out in the crevices
and such amazing vistas…
i was sewing
the sun went down
i fantasized about fucking
the bus pulled into SP about 21:00
and i got down town about 22
i called Adriano, who said i was welcome to stay with him when i returned
but on the phone
he told me he’d got back together with his boy friend
so i couldn’t stay there
…
so i called a number of a guy who said i was welcome to stay at his place
but he said his house was filled with guests now
so i walked to the internet cafe
and in my e-mail was a response from the boy Joao on ilhabela who i had been trying to call frantically
every day
— never got through
he emailed me the exact moment i got on the buss to leave sao sebastiao…
telling me i had a free place to stay with him
with beautiful trails and waterfalls and beaches
and now i’m back in sao paulo at midnight with no place to stay
i’m beating myself about this
i think it has to do with sex.
i was on the bus
thinking about food
about never taking vitamin pills
because Food is meant to nourish you
if you eat shit food
it kills you
but if you at whole food that you love and prepare yourself
it heals you, nourishes you
what is sex meant for?
especially if you’re a faggot?
sex is meant to change the world…
to pro-create
or re-create
if you have shit sex
it kills you.
i think the world is trying really hard not to kill me
and i think i’m on a losing streak
i can’t get no
satisfaction.
i don’t know why this is happening
did i break my heart one too many times?
when did i stop loving myself?
on the buss
i remembered my night with my friend Robbie in the east bay
we had smoked pot
and when we went to bed
we didn’t have sex
he just wrapd him self around me
and i went into him
our bodies merged
i felt all the places i was scared
dirty
broken
and learned about forgiving
and love
with the feeling of forving
everything was released
and love flowed in and healed every thing
on the bus
i remembered it agani
i forgave myself
and loved myself
but forgot it immediately
what deamons are tormenting me?
where is this hate and fear from?
why can’t i just love
be loved
what’s wrong?
if anyone can see the obvious
and not be cruel about it
i know god is trying to help
he just keep slapping my hand everytime i do dumb things
he can hardly do more
he’s not going to reward me when i keep abusing and taking advantage
but how do i stop this?
hmmm
well, tell ya what, folks
i’m going to go into the forest with my mother and a healer for two weeks
i didn’t know i needed this so much
but i’m trying to look and listen again
and i’m sure i’ll figure it out
i’m humbling myself
getting on my knees
say yr prayers
there is no other way: we’ll all make it through somehow…