be aware

What have i said yet of Money?
it is a way we’ve made our life manifest in abstract.
— i gave 40 hours of my life for this bill
— now i give it to you for a place to stay
— for a hamburger and fries
— this weekend’s entertainment
— a modicum of freedom (and gas to run it)
— you would never do this for me, but
— take this, now you must
the corporations come in and offer “Goods”
goods of no heart
mass production
goods made only to be sold
that is
to ensnare the life
of those unaware of the deal they’re making..
it’s that old christian metaphor, i’m sure most of you have heard it:
the devil offers such amazing gifts
—-[material reality]———–[junk in action]
in return
you give him your soul.
how did “the rainbow family” get started?
they saw the “Hippie culture” being sold to beer companies
radio corporations
shoes, cigarettes, hot dogs
the blood sucked right out of it
they abdicated
and said “no buying and selling here”
how it works?
everyone [who can and will] gives money to “the magic hat”
and that is taken by any of those willing
and translated into food stuffs…
local farmers? organic?
hopefully
conscious soul exchange.
another example:
the character “Brian” in “tales of the city” is burnt out
has no purpose in life anymore
just likes to get laid and smoke and wonder…
but once he was a lawyer
working hard for all the causes
was “their favourite freebie”
— and they never paid him.
well yes
if you give of yourself and never let your self get replenished
you run dry..
it must flow through..
Be Aware Where It Comes From
Be Aware Where It’s Going
Make Sure You Are Nourished
today was my first day on the street
selling flowers.
i didn’t sell any
i sat there with Guy.
many conversations were had
once
i listed all the things i would do for him
eg: i was there to help him move, committed to learning his craft
experiencing his life, helping him in any way i could be
(i didn’t give him a time limit, but i will do this for at least two weeks to see if it feels like it is a good thing for me)
he smiled
and said
“i want to make you happy… what can i do for you?”
a long pause, i replied
‘ whatever you do… i don’t rely on people making me happy cause i can make myself happy better than anyone i’ve ever met… so i depend on myself for that… and don’t ask it of others… but enjoy it when it happens: use your imagination. ‘
it occurs to me that i hardly entertain what my perfect lover would be
because i think it is so unlikely..
but because it seems so abstract
i will try and list some qualities now:
he would be open and honest with me at all times
and when he wasn’t
he would be soon
and humble himself and tell me what he learned from hiding from me
— i would be the same with him.
he would be an excellent lover
if he went through months of wanting to only fuck me
there would be months where i only fucked him
and months where we didn’t fuck
there would be lots of petting, caressing, massaging
there would be cuddling
there would be abstinence
things would move in cycles
he would cook for me, and i for he
each of us rotating our palets
and enjoying fasting from time to time
we would help eachother to not being addicted to anything
[note: i always write “each other” as “eachother” — as if the co-dependant nature of doing things together collapses the two into one naturally… it’s kinda freaky : the computer constantly alerts me to this through spellcheck]
we would both read to eachother
he could walk barefoot, and would enjoy it
he would sing to me, or play music to me.
with me?
hmmmm
et cetera, et cetera
it’s not That unrealistic.
perhaps being aware of what i want will help me get it?
be it?
anyway
today was my first day in the city
and i’m taking things slowly
i’m taking things slowly
i feel as if i’m stalking through the jungle
must be aware of the plants, the animals
any dangers? any rewards?
be aware…
Be Aware.
good conversations
good feelings
i don’t think this is what i thought it was going to be
i’m not sure what it is..
slowly…
paying attention…
it’s only the first day..
i feel like i’m stalking the prey..
through the castro
to the New Thai Restaurant for dinner
thick rich Tom Ka soup, hmmmm
the green papaya salad…
i weighed it on my tongue
‘ just make it hot ‘
he did, he really did!
was it just coz of how i looked?
Guy was stunned… he said it burned his tongue
i had to eat mindfully
all the stress in my neck and back melted
hmmm
Good Food
Happy Food
YUM!
then some beef with ginger, garlic, chives black fungus
with the remaining papaya
YUM!
Yossi and John walked in..
i saw Yossi a few days ago as i was leaving Harbin..
he’s a guy i know from circumstance since i first came to California
Omen?
while Guy was in the toilet
John asked me if i’d be around for a while
i told him i wasn’t sure
that’s what i was here for
but we’d see…
he asked if i was looking for a place
… well, we’ll see… yes…
alone or with other people?
alone.
how much would i pay?
not over 1000$
— we’ve got an apartment open in my building in the tenderloin for $850
AH! And yet another option…
Guy left me
and i walked through the castro
saw a strange young cute drunk boy
who begged me back over after we made eye contact
he told me i looked like a Rabbi
of course i did
my hair up
my long black leather jacket on
with my new mexican poncho’s tassles hanging out below!
what are those things called?
anyway
i did!
we talked
i felt good
and only had a 10$ bill
gave it to him to get some food
felt silly
but good
Give it away
get more back
i’m here in the city.
went to book stores
walked around
came back
Guy was watching TV
some Television drama about people crash landed on an island somewhere
fake, of course
in the jungle, whatever..
i tried to avoid it
but watched a good deal of it
then we set off to watch a DVD that was all subtitled too small, too contrasty to read
(the road to love, the film was called)
but i had my NetFlix
so we watched “Keep the River on Your Right: A Modern Cannibal Tale”
which was a Real story about being in the jungle
and was Fascinating to me…
he went out there
with no money
no back pack
just sneakers
and the shorts and shirt on his back
into the jungle for 8 months!
wild man…
and friends to live it with…
78 years in New York City!
where we Make Things Happen!
somewhere in the conversation it came up
(accidently, i’m sure)
that my time in SF was just like me going to school
yes
it’s a school
i hope i graduate it soon
i would rather be in…
well, so many places
but ya gotta have the skills ya need
Thanks, baby
i’m here.