i’d written my dad asking him for pictures of the wedding
and included the link to my flickr account
my dad’s reply:
–
Nick, I hope you enjoy these pictures.
In the future, Please Don’t Send Me Links To Pictures Like The Ones Behind This Reply. DAD
–
which, i assume, were the pictures of goat and eye leaning on eachother looking out over the valley
It Required All Capital Letters
— and the dream i had this morning. -with aftermath

Two years ago
i took a path more travelled
and i am forever the mired
It’s better to regret something you have done over something you haven’t.

after reading through a friend’s journal… and trying to be compassionate with him to help him feel better… i felt better… and remembered that i had a really good and productive day yesterday… before i got to feeling shitty. so this is the good part of the beautiful yesterday

wow, a normal-for-me journal entry. i talk about feelings and events over the last 24 hours. feeling trapped in my mind and feelings. desperately wishing and praying for another way. none in sight. good day.

giving thanks…

a dream goat had after being subjected to Wonder Showzen

long drive to and from nashville
no phone conversations tonight
things are settling down
and there’s less expectation fluttering around
more pizza
more stale bread i chopped up this morning and cooked in the skillet with eggs and onions
and ate with tomato Chow-Chow
another client in Nashville
Mr Wish
his body opened up to me like the sky tonight
the sky i stared at driving home
amazed that the stars were just as easy to focus on while driving 70mph
his body was just water pouring through it
is heart
thudding
and when i opened up his channels
his chest heaved in a huge sigh
big man
all the movements were beautiful
i set up my camera to record
but of course
the battery died (the cold)
as he asked me about my brother
and i poured out an excellent rendition of
“the story of my life”
i so wish the camera would have been rolling to record all of that
— i talked with Jerry on the phone on the way into town
Jerry: my first “boy friend”
from portland oregon
… he’s living here in TN now
about an hour away from me
we’re all a little older
Thanks Thanks Thanks
someday
i’ll put up all the pictures
and write out all the tales
but right now i’ve got to get home to sleep
so the Thanks Fairy can come in my dreams
and make me grateful for all the amazing things in my life
common everybody!
close your eyes!
(common baby dry your eyes)

today is my satyrn return
i mapped it out
knew it would be today
listened to all the words uttered…
would i die today?
a car crash?
something that smashed my soul into the dirt?
no: but the barbeque place wasn’t open
so i had a lunch of bad food
it didn’t matter
because i was with a friend i love
and we had a good time
it’s new moon
but i gave a massage anyway
coz it made sense to
and he was very grateful
and appreciative of what i am and what he needed
he filled me with inspiration for the future
and in flashes of power released from his glutes
i wondered if i should go live in Hawaii?
to lay naked in the sun every day..
i could feel the heat in his skin…
but nothing changed today
today was not the day of clarity or calamity
i still dreamed of better places
i still felt guilt from my descisions
i still wanted things that did nothing for me
still suspicous
still longing
still staid
and i’m back at the shop
far too late
i’ll get “home” and goat will be asleep
restless
i’ll have to sleep in tomorrow
and maybe something will come clear
i can’t just sit and wait for this revelation
i have to make it
hew it out
but i just look at the marble
–KnockKnock–
“is anybody in there?”

i really liked chicago
for what it was
it was a bit confusing to me
but i liked it
but really
i’m in new york now
and fuck chicago
i love new york.
i always feel like this when i arrive
i rememberd that on the train on the way in from Queens
i always feel like this when i arrive
— but looking at the other people on the train
this time i realized…
living here wears us down
all of the people are sleeping
they look exhausted
drained
that’s what i felt like when i lived here
so i come coasting in
stunned and shivering with excitment
the beauty of this place
there shear amazing fact that it exists at all
a testiment to the artistic brilliance and insanity of humanity
but damn
this place is not a place for living for such folks as me
is it?
that’s always the question
where could i live?
or
to quote David Thewlis in “NAKED”
“there are a million places to go
the question is:
where to stay?”

i’m heading to Chicago tomorrow, then NYC for 10 days
to see some friends. collect my stuff. decide decide decide. and make some money
then drive back down here to TN.
Today Goat and i went walking up to the top of the mountain.
it was very Autumn.

click here for a larger set of these (on Flickr)