i finally got my new mac working (again)

i just got pissed on walking down the street
(first time for everything, and yes: i’m sure it was piss– coming out of an apartment window)
(love them dominicans [serious!])

my friend brendon is helping me re-organize my apartment

in the midwest
drinking with my father
walking on the beach
witnessing him as a little boy

more time in indiana
sex in graveyards

onward: to new york city

jakov: a total flake
eli and jim white
Leo! James! Gus! Leo! (and police in new jersey)
gay pride
danny
and everything stolen

living in green point?
yoga naked on the roof
giving danny kombucha
and eddy…

outta town
up to boston
over to p-town
(chris on the street and david and family week )
back to boston to see sarah
up to gloucester with the salty bear
falling in love with eric
up the coast
NH
ogunquit
(rocks, eric)
the people’s lives, end of tourism, last hope

down east?
portland first
larry: little lad
maybe it was up state maine first
all the book stores along the coast
bar harbor
the night we lost the light
sleeping on island
sleeping like babies…

onward to new brunswick
the flower pots
neep, not even
missing the big show in nova scotia
but the halifax cathedral
and the yarmouth ferry

was this when i met the little lad family?

the loons on the lakes

up into quebec
the moose on the road
the spider bite?
the bath house
the bitch in the health food store
that old city

and montreal
raw meat with the egyptian
and the leg getting worse

patrick and the theme park
fucking at night by the lake

the crazy
house of crazies
the clock
joints
cigarettes
dogs
pills
and coffee

onward
across ontario
picking up mark
and his story of canoeing the mississippi
then the 1st nations guy (the spraypaint on the bridge)
then the punk street kids with the dog
then the van breaking down?
naw… just remove the belt
and on
and on
through sault-sainte marie
leaving all those kids in canada
and heading into michigan to see the family

the family
for fourth of july
no
laborday?
whatever is in september

my aunt hitting on me
do i have any other memories from this visit?

back down to TN for that gathering
(visited my sister in Bloomington?)
got the powerbook

what else?
over and up to NYC again
november?
late october
living where?
not with yackov
not in my van
not with eli
stayed with x…
oh yes. stayed with X
set up my new computer with him, right
left all my stuff in his apartment while giving the van away?
for a few weeks, a month? more?
then where did i go?

directly back to California?
giving the van to Eli
and is that when i did the interview with Marcel?
HIV+?
all around that time

arrived in california
instantly felt like i made a terrible mistake
body locking up
from kombucha?

mother asks if i’ll go to Brazil with her
so i get that foot-work done
and end up only staying in CA a month at most
then to Brazil

which i’ve mostly written about in this journal
that’s when i started LJ

January something something 2004.

brazil.
but what i do i remember?

arriving with nothing known.
guidebook?
notes from the internet
oh, and ghonnorea!

finding the hotel
the cruize/hook park
people sleeping in gutters
across the sidewalk
all the time at internet cafe’s
and that sweet boy antonio
used to be a mormon

that over-pass bridge
the colors
the mosaic sidewalk
the down town
the
was it then?
antonio flaked out on me
stayed with smurf?
that must have been later

went out to ilha bella
also
knowing noone, nothing
took the bus
amazing mountains
narrow roads
huge garbage dumps
and beautiful views

bought the hammock
went out to the island?
slept on a flood area
with the crabs underneath
got some purple heart on accident

found the hippy kids
stayed with them
walked the path up to the water falls
nice

back to the city
that when i stayed with smurf?

sampa bears
so much desire, lust, porn
fucking
filming it all
paranoid about disease
right, the malva, finding the herbs
the para todos
damiana

then meeting my mother at the airport and onto brasilia
the bus ride out to abadiania
the toucan
the açaí
irish cafe
the mud
the children
my mother: i didn’t know you could speak brazilian!?
first seeing the “casa” the feeling…
walking in the fields
finding muschrooms
the cattle
the amazing sky
oil-colored clouds
the night-shades..

then all the deus stuff
seeing tony in the crowd
first meeting
acid-like clarity
the crystal
second meeting that day
more clarity like crystal like acid
open eyes sitting next to tony
Naraya!

then days of praying
mother sleeping three days
pierenopolis
the white orchids of old abadiania
the white clothes
the head-dresses
the jaguar ceremony
the kid who’d stayed there 8 months after coming with his mother
ram daas
gregory sams, the guy who invented chaos theory
and nicola, his niece

so
bye to mother
and back to sao paulo
and is this the time i stayed with smurf? oh, memory
maybe i can find it in my emails
sampa bears
being with those english speakers ruined my portugues
back to ilha bela
this time with joão
the constructing house
running up the river
the massage

the lonliness

onward to Rio
beautiful city
staying by the beach
first night there: sex party
so that’s how it is
juice every day
and living for sex

seeing some movies: dogville
and all of the lord of the rings

i could live here, sure

donald, yeah

if only i were a drug dealer or something
had some skill
teach english?

(as soon as i get my book written i’m out of this country for a few more years)

deciding it’s time to come home

flying into miami
and my connection fallen through
so staying with the peruvian
get everything stolen

staying with the doctor
fucking crazy

hellish hellish florida

i returned to NYC then
to make money
yes
to stay with Ed in coney island
oy!
the television
the crabs
but he knew leo
back to LA for the family
amazing transformation in my mother

then up to SF
HIV- again, alright

living there?
living with Leo
living?
a month alone there while leo was in europe, i think
fasting
frustration

where did i go?

beltane at wolf creek with kwai
now i’m cheating: looking through emails and this journal
but mercury is direct: i don’t have that boon anymore
and writing, yes, erases.
the way up was when the forest and sea pictures were taken by kwai

wow, it’s nice to read these old entries

so beltane
then back down to SF
i think that’s when i had sex in the rest area near vallejo

i stayed in california another month
on and off with Leo
before heading back up to oregon for the nayara
turning 26!

— i’ve decided not to continue this project
because writing about this part of my life takes many many hours every day
which i cannot give it right now
but it is my devotion this summer
still
i will not be blogging it
so i can make it raw-er and flowy-er and then can make a book out of it
i’ll post about that, though
so you won’t miss out on it, if you want it
then

for now
you can read a bit of my notes, which is the way i am completing this project.

:

i turned 21 in Portland

eli visiting
meeting robert
Utah! Nevada!
to new york
Hello beautiful man!
running through the water deluge, the strawberry, the gutters full, the air, the rivers to jump over
Jerry: HIV
taking everything in stride
panic attack, more healing at the springs
robert, job offer
indiana: i’m a guru
lothlorien: the strangling and dying of nature
the life-sucking cat
the big sexy bear monster
and the magic of my hands

Arkansas
a day, a week, a month of bad british accents
the keys
the faeries, the gold/silver cross
tube10
being in my body, just like that
the mushrooms
the faeries
being in arizona, being in arizona, being in arkansas
the bars
the rain fall
right, leaving

sedona
rainbow death camp
hawk
sewage
chakra tuning
perfect : we know how to control god.

teaching the aries to be grounded, drowning

tucson
a sort of home
larry: kansas… South Africa!
boyo shaves
new york, yes…
south africa!
face lift, tummy tuck, cigarettes. 18yo 50yo.
click click
manhattan burger, LA stop
we haven’t fully exploited this culture
banana like an icecream cone
let the spirit leave the meat

milkwook and silk wood

the bars, that is, the drink, the marriage
Andrij
131313
the grasshopper
the family
the phone call
heading home.

home.
i’m going to live in new york
i’m going to heal the entire city
i’m doing to die

indiana
(invisible)
fag jokes around the table
gone gone gone
we think you should….
(california)

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Happy Summer Solstice to you all…
May Your Life have More Light!

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