forgive me my moment of delusional arrogance! but isn’t that just business? of course, the chorus is the most spectacular part of the show… anonymous as it may be, it jumps around more, falls down and rolls on the floor more, carries our star in the sky!
oh… it’s about the company! (regaining my composure) my drive was to be part of a team! this show is such a slick machine! I was annoyed that the humor of the big boss was sissiness… but I guess it worked perfectly and I shouldn’t take it personally. D.R. pulled off the whole show without a slip-up, but slid into his natural accent (if maybe a bit accentuated) to sell his blue bow-tie for broadway cares… opened at $50 and he split it, one from act one and that one from act two, ummmhmmm, at $1250 each! go back stage and have them signed.
but I wonder at my skill, talent, and connections… as I always have my doubts… hovering between fantasy and drive…
what if I took classes every day of the week! Tap Dancing! Piano! Smiling! Guitar!
Singing! Acrobatics! Languages! Fashion!
oh… to look sweet…
I’m sure I’ve ruined my potential of the public eye…
I mean, I’ve been too public my whole life: I cannot be a part of this machine
I mean
I’ve never been able to follow the cogs
even when I wanted to
what is the success of the odd?
the misshapen?
I’m no longer… 20? 10?
late late late!
“by the gates of old Poughkeepsie my love swam with me”
and crazy for love
but I don’t even know what to say anymore
and am uncertain I can carry the message
again, I recounted my duties, my virtues
to see it, learn to feel it
understand it
and repeat it
in the process
the repetition
I may find a song worth singing
but till then
I’m just observing
sorting
and reporting
the last few weeks I have been frantic
travel unbalances me
yet enlivens me
waterfall
freshens me
I got home from Europe
exhausted
and slept beautifully for a week
going to sleep at 9,10,11
waking with the dawn
then I went to see this spiritual healer at Omega with Tony
John of God
my journal started with going to see him in Brazil
it was an excellent experience
I was overwhelmed
forced into sleep
into healing
myself and others
I Europe
I did a ritual to Revive the Inner King
which I found was the Me I asked to have taken from me as a 19 year old
I think John of God kicked that into full gear
all of a sudden
I couldn’t sleep for weeks
my quiet was shattered
I was masturbating incessantly
out of control
and felt invaded upon in my space
all of this is pre-amble
is that when I bought a ticket to come to CA?
yes
Leo wanted me
and it was time to see him again
did that add to my anxiety?
the acting class I had been taking since I returned from CA in May all of a sudden became unbearable
as if I had no access to my imagination
and only enough of my scattered presence for only moments of clarity
I started skipping class more than attending
I’ve been pretty good for the last year
when going on trips
not to fall into my same habit of not sleeping before a trip
I had planned this trip around not missing my classes
but here, again, I did not sleep, last Wednesday night
instead: made a new calendar for my family from the Ireland pictures
scanned pics for Leo
prepared an iPhoto library for him
and never touched head to pillow
I missed class again
curled up in fettered sleep at Tony’s
crashed in the plane
then woke after an hour and read the entirety of Leo’s memoirs
got a nice gray Chevy Malibu
and drive up through the dark 1am SF
exiting impulsively onto Harrison
to get a crepe from 11th ave
delicious: turkey, egg, cheese, avocado
I didn’t want any alcohol
but went to the Hole in the Wall
they just closed
so I got back in and drove
amazed that I knew where to go
University Ave in Berkeley
a mentor of mine left the door open so I could sleep in the “Harry Potter room” under the stairs
it was lovely
and good conversation the next morning with an old boss
it felt good
dispersed that old tension
then went shopping for Leo down at 4th street
and spent an hour Scruffing and Growlring
sex obsession building
oh, the old haunts and the ghosts who live there…
but nada, I headed up the freeway to Lake County
everything beautiful
there is something exhilarating about driving I have long denied…
I listened further to Harry Potter 7
in a car! just like my childhood
it choked me up a little…
I got to Leo’s with
one stop to get pastries at a place called Bouchon in Yontville
but they’d had a fire in their kitchen
I was all in my new-york mentality and tried to push some guy out if the way
but he told me “we’re closed”
then a nice old lady came out and explained
I asked if there was anything for sale in the restaurant
she said “well, what are you looking for?”
I said “I dunno. I was going to browse. I’m driving up to see a suck friend and he just said he’d like some pastries from Bouchon because they’re so good… ”
she told me to wait
and went to fetch me a packet of shortbreads and cookies
the combination of this action and where I was in Harry Potter
made me understand the importance of loving
the world supports us in all our needs
when we love
and are open to love
I was high from it
then stopped at a Mexican joint in Rutherford to get a real Mexicali burrito
deliscious
but I was kinda crying a bit
death of dobby and all that
but just the desperate hopeless magic of it all
fierce
the next town was clogged
some parade
I shuffled slowly through back streets
then one last stop to buy Leo bread
got given an extra large loaf
you know
just for love
I drove over St Helena
through hidden valley
up red hills road
and diamond dust trail
to walk silently into Leo’s chamber while he was making a vegetarian lasagna
-we both felt like I had never left
he’s become vegetarian
because if he eats meat it makes him feel horribly sick for days
he’s stopped drinking alcohol for the same reason
he has no energy for sex
these were his sensual pleasures
and what I knew him most for
his vocation was being a priest
which he is still doing
but only from his Lazy Boy
as he hasn’t enough energy to stand through mass anymore
his mind is still sharp
that’s still there
we had great conversations
he was enlivened, again, by my being there
and I felt a week was a perfect amount of time to be there
not enough for me to feel drained or trapped
I helped him around the house
ate vegetarian with him
cuddled in bed with him
massaged his feet
David R gave me his old computer
I was going to use it for writing during travels
but needed it now to edit the photo book I had made for Leo
hence the iPhoto library set up stuff
but just before heading out there Leo lost his laptop on a trip to see a friend in the coast
his driver lost it
or something
so now I was giving him this old laptop
still, better than his old one
so many nights of our visit I was setting up the computer for him
we looked through many old pictures
and listened to Simon and Garfunkel
some of the only pop music I know Leo likes
we watched the Intelligence Squared debate on “is the catholic church a force for good in the world?” because I heard Stephen Fry gave a good “performance”
again, he echoed the importance of learning to love on each individual’s own terms… and his own struggle to love
at least I’m not the only one that Had to Learn How
we went to Harbin
spent the night there
it was only among all those naked bodies that I noticed I’d had no thoughts of sex since the drive up
I was drinking my M tincture
and became ravenous for the naked men around me
but made no sexual connection
in the morning I saw a beautiful tall old man with a long white beard and rich furr all over him
he looked like a wolfman (body)
his face was beatific, saintly
I talked with him and offered him massage
he accepted
and I massaged/petted him for well over an hour
he was straight
and when talk got into sex
was very dissatisfied with his wife
and asked me advice about prostitutes
telling me about going to strip clubs
and his collection of porn
I offered, but he said he was only into women
though had been turned on by trannies…
hm
straight men
but it was good
I didn’t molest him or anything
and he wasn’t offended to find I was gay
but was surprised I found him attractive
all types.
when Leo and I got back to the Hermitage, though
I was crazy
Leo fell asleep right away
I went for a walk
and worked myself off naked in the sun laying in the dirt
PHEW
my mind was clear again
I went to see the farmer neighbor again
he gave me more trim
though I didn’t need it
— is this evidence of my hoarder genes?
take what I can get… why bother?
compulsion
I steeped out the alcohol I’d left here
and made more oil
Leo and I were in love again
I was high, different, but similar
went on beautiful walks on the obsidian
so beautiful
took a million panoramas
and finished with the computer
cooking for Leo
Cleaning for Leo
going to the All Saints masses with Leo in his chapel
(though I skipped the mass down at the church in town to go see the Billys at their Halloween gathering… where I met Leo… all our anniversary returnings…)
I was ready to leave
ah, the day before I had made a new batch of truffles for Leo
he eats them to help him sleep
after making them
2am
him asleep in the chair beside me
I wondered if I didn’t make them strong enough…
but I ate one the morning I was leaving
had some breakfast afterwards
Leo kept thinking I was leaving earlier than I needed to
so I took it as a hint
and bowed out
all love and gratitude
as I left I decided to go for one hike more around the hill
so I parked the car out of view from him
as if I’d left
I’d left.
the truffle kicked in as I drove down the valley
then through Butt’s Canyon road
listening to the last few chapters of the last Harry Potter book
the night before, while making oil and truffles, I had been listening as well
and many times came to crying
— you people who read the books: did it make you cry?
I embarked upon listening to them because I wanted to understand what all the fuss was about
— it’s not that revolutionary
the tedious good/bad dichotomy
war, endless war.
and I thought it pretty 2D as far as the portrayal of women and other races
(e.g.: Cho Chang!?!? Really!?)
but I came to understand the importance of the whole thing:
to show the struggle of learning to Love
and really discovering that Love is the stronger of magics
— her choice to minimize “relationships”, that is to say, couplings
emphasizes the point:
it’s families and friends that are more important than love affairs
long deep love
and the more abstract Love
of the world
of Love
so I cried driving down
appreciating all the beauty
and Neville being able to pull the sword from the hat to cut the head off the snake:
what you need will be provided when you need it
when the book ended (thank you Stephen Fry)
I used Siri to play songs as I asked for them
“ceremony”,”age of consent”,”shuffle Starfucker”
pretty fucking cool
everything was exciting
but I arrived in Berkeley two hours before I needed to meet my friend
so I decided to go to steamworks
I thought it would be relaxing and sensual, if nothing else
I put all my stuff in the trunk and locked the doors
then realized I wanted my water bottle
so I opened the trunk and rummaged through the bag, dropping my keys
thinking “pick those up again…”
but forgetting
and slamming the trunk closed
Instantaneously knowing what I’d just done
Fuck
I stared at the car while feeling my pockets
fuck
I walked around the car looking for weak spots
fuck.
AAA? call the car rental company?
a coat hanger…?
I did a google search on my phone for “rental car keys locked inside”
it said it would be $80 for someone to come let me in
that would be tedious, waiting. waste of time, no relaxation. embarrassing
I’d done this before! when I was 18! locked my keys in my dad’s car in the parking lot of the bathhouse in Indianapolis (how did I solve it that time?)
Fuck.
but then I noticed, in the search results, YouTube videos
I went there
and watched something on door wedging
… no, I have nothing like that
then one with a string and a loop:
I took off my shoelaces (glad I wasn’t wearing my five-fingers) and tried it
took a while
but I got it
and felt elated
of course the alarm went off
but I grabbed the keys from the trunk quick and silenced it
smartphones are amazing…
then
in the bathhouse
(ie: explicit sex writing; stop reading now if that’s not something you want to read)
I walked in and instantly was attracted to a big broad guy
followed him to the back
and got on it
great connection
truffles still feeling good
good orgasm from him
great hugging
feeling…
then a guy up on the walk..
feeling his chubby body while two guys were caressing me in the booth
eventually turning to one of them and getting him off
I walked to the alcove where the sling was
looked around a while
and saw a big bruiser walk through
I only had eyes for him at that point
and followed him through back to the booth I just left
he turned around and looked at me
I was still hard and said “want to suck some dick?”
he grabbed me and felt me
and said “yeah, want to fuck me?”
and I gave affirmation without hesitation
he suggested we go to his room
I walked out of the booth and he motioned me to go forward
I laughed and said “it’s your room, you have to lead the way!”
329, I think
I wanted to devour him
and set right to it
he requested “no hickies”
so I licked more than bit or sucked
he was ideal beauty to me
some fur on his chest and belly
testosterone smelling pits
beautiful face and eyes
everything on him large and thick
I licked him everywhere
eventually picking him up and throwing him on the bed
knocking his head against the wall
I instantly switched into healer-mode to make up for it
which is an excellent combination with sex
he was very sensitive and was shivering and twitching from the way I touched him and moved through him
I licked everywhere
his butt was pre-lubed
so I massaged it a bit
then lifted his massive legs
spit on him
and slid in
oh
the details…
we fucked for 45 mins or so
I was late to meet my friend
I lifted him and twisted him
and licked his dick while I was still inside him
and we watched ourselves in the mirror
I pet him and kissed him and licked him and massaged him while fucking him
I lived him and healed him and worshiped him and adored him
I fucked the cum out of him
I fucked some piss out of him
I gave him anal orgasms
I only came once
he really wanted to be on his knees for a while
I liked watching my back
my hips pumping into him
I lay on him and lifted my legs off the bed, feet up in the air
pumping down into him
he lay down
and I pissed in him
we pushed eachother’s barriers
he was a native to SF, shared the name even
he asked me to marry him
a few times
I said “oh, it’s a good thing I don’t live here
we’d have a torrid love affair for two weeks then not speak to eachother when we saw eachother out in public… isn’t that how it goes here?”
(bitterness at SF showing, dominic?)
“no,” he said, “you’d be one of my fuck buddies for a long while”
then asked me to marry him again
I said I would…
but was late to meet Rob
I got there 15 mins late
hot tubs
god, I love his face!
a jewish fellow from the east coast originally
I met him ten years ago right after I cut my hair off last time
I always find him excessively adorable
I want to eat his face
his whole body
he’s just the sweetest…
I massaged him and cuddled him
we talked
I told him about my life and current lives
he told me about his
I held him close many times
oscillating from taking him in with my eyes, then with my heart
— when I met him I used to fall I love so easily; this bruiser at the bath today I could tell I was guarding my heart
but Rob
I just love him
I squeezed him tight and just wanted to pour all my love into him
which enlightened a forgotten feeling in me
I came to believe he just absorbed my affections and didn’t reciprocate
as if patiently letting me give to him, sometimes even asking for more
but not giving if himself to me
— a flash of sadness flew through me
those old moments of unrequited love (though I never imagined husbanding him, just loving), or wasting my heart into a yawning abyss
I saw and felt it all: those old emotions
and I chose to let it go
— I was much more fucked up back then than I am now
I really have learned and grown
I let myself just be in the moment with him
enjoying the love and his beauty
and, yes, doing some healing work on him
when were almost out of time I decided I really wanted to cum with him
just to instill that connection
even if he wanted to save his to take it home to his man
I ground our hips together while rubbing his belly and kissing him
sucking his nipples while massaging up and down his spine
until I could feel him stiff
and asked him to sit up on the ledge
and sucked his beautiful dick
diving deep into him
while working myself off
anointing his leg
and collapsing against his chest
panting
then we had to go
and the free way was open and flowing
7:22 in Albany, got to SFO at 7:50
everything went easy
I ordered a burger from Burger Joint
again, in echo
when I returned from a year in Europe in 2003
I had a craving for a burger
which I thought was hilarious
because up til then I’d never WANTED to eat a burger…
Leo picked me up (with Eli and Amanda) and took me to Burger Joint
in the time they were making it
I checked in, dropped off my suitcase
and got back to eat it
then walk to the gate
and board
everything smooth
I don’t know how much I actually slept
but having the mask and ear plugs in made it easy to pretend to sleep
I felt rested when I arrived
and crept quietly through the subways to surprise Koos early in the morning
which made for ecstatic joy
I’m happy to have written it all out
and on my phone!
now I hope to nap an hour
then
will I make it to class to day?
music:
imagine Brazil, then the last track of that sndtrk, then Ressurrection, from stranger than paradise, which is playing right now… all kinda mashed up
the world continues to show such love and compassion and I feel gratitude for it
yet I worry about issuing un-ending forgiveness because of people I feel to exploit that as a weakness because they can just get away with it
remaining ignorant to their abuse
how to teach lessons?
to love when sometimes withholding…
is withholding love?
I think the flight is an hour and twenty three minutes late
I read Leo’s memoir slept a bit listened to The Deathly Hallows and a baby crying
watching the glowing American cities in the darkness of the great American night and looking at the Live Map I had a small yearning to be Out West again Arizona New Mexico California
the desert I hear it…
and here I am in San Francisco
only a moment
I’m getting a car spending the night in Berkeley (might I get my mind split open in the morning?) (he said he’s putting me in "the Harry Potter room, under the stairs")
time catches everything up maybe it’s telling that tale
"I lived in that apartment for seven years"
time for transformation
what is "aveda"? what is "axio"?
bother I’m bleary what next? maybe a stop at the hole… I’ll have to see how the Car feels
so it’s 7am people are waking up the sun is rising
I’m going to sleep
I have a client a noon and a full day ahead
but I got home round midnight and started trying to figure out how to fix my disappeared "Notes" problem in the down time while my iPhone 4 was being restored into all of the different incarnations of all the iPhones I’ve had I cleaned and restructured part of my kitchen — I’ve often been thinking about how to make it work better and tonight I just started…
pulled between the two I accomplished a lot for these little mundane things but I keep feeling like its good for me to feel proud about these things
though I have accomplished a lot in my life in some ways others I am a bit behind
like domesticity
eventually I’ll be able to integrate other basics… like sleep.
when days are ugly
and everything I adore I abhor
I just want to shut my mouth and forget it
but watching a bio-pic about Francis Bacon
believes me I should cling to angsty obsessions to drive myself to greatness
I
was
writing
about
my obsession with mediocrity
hating vehemently
Bach ground garbage music
and shit advertising
exposing my miscreant misanthropists blaringly
while staring at some distended fat man with goggling eyes
Koos said “you can’t possibly find that attractive”
but of course I was drawn to stare at it
why?
is the myth of the Large Man I have totally foolish?
just some other superficial trait most possessed by the mediocre
of
most possessed of everything is by the mediocre
I felt furious
even the trains weren’t running
after having to help some excessively anxious german woman
patience expired
on my way to have dinner with someone I feel exasperated by even before seeing him
my cough returning
I think, as I trudge up the stairs
— I don’t want to care about anyone… I don’t want to have to listen, see, care.
and I imagine myself alone for the winter
firing all my friends
and attempting to create a body of work that interests me
tells the story in a useful way
but now I’m bored by even myself
knowing I’d waste my time with my lust or some ardent distraction
infuriated hell-being
condemned to living
there is a voice
(many, now in the shadows)
speaking of love
the work of loving
the necessity
yes
I know
and I know this expression is all shit
vomit
but god
how do I not feed myself on such poison?
.
:.:
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