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I’m out in Jersey
And don’t know when I’ll be back…
What’s happen to this week?!?
contrary to popular belief
i really DON’T love looking at myself for hours on end
not that i don’t like looking at myself, don’t get me wrong
i’m just saying that i don’t keep galleries of hundreds of pictures of me on my web site because i look at them
in fact, i probably haven’t seen all of the pictures in those galleries
— i see enough of myself every day, and though i often like the way i look, i don’t really love sifting through pictures of myself.
which brings me to my current problem:
i did a photo shoot in Portland back in August (well, three photo shoots)
and i JUST got the files yesterday
in a tiny tiny web rez gallery
the photographer doesn’t want to give me all of them at a better resolution
(even a long edge of 1200 would be satisfying to me, am i being too critical? these are JUST TOO SMALL)
and says i can have less than a dozen in high-rez JPGs
then he’s going to delete the RAW files
(but for the ones he will keep for his portfolio)
all of my bitching at him did not make him change his mind
and i REALLY don’t feel like looking at all of these images
not when i’m pissed off about the situation
(i would just say the guy is an asshole coz he didn’t give me what i want… but he’s not, he takes beautiful photos… he just isn’t giving me what i want on my terms. shucks)
SO
if you really really like looking at pictures of me
please spend some time going through this gallery
and make note of the numbers of the pictures you really like
and try to pic two or three that you think are REALLY GREAT
then leave a comment or email me
it would be appreciated
Oh, and yeah
there is nudity
though nothing particularly sexual
and if you want to see his other work
go here
in case you haven’t seen this yet
you can now.
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As a Gemini
Anyone I’ve ever partnered with
Has become my Brother
Not in a Louis-sort-of-way
But as the eternal Lover and Companion… Compatriot.
My mirror; reflect what I are, in case you don’t know
I’ve always been faced with someone who looks away
Someone who says what I want to hear, to please me
Like my eternal ” I’ll be there in a half hour ” when there is no way
possible to get there that soon
Well meaning liars
Even to myself
And
Like anynother shadow
I can’t shake my Brother
Who talks all sorts of shit
And never does any of it
But some meager pathetic offering of no importance
It infuriates me
Seems like hell
How do I show up?
I can never partner with a reflection better than myself
The saints told me that years ago
My ego would like to believe they are worse than me
But I know it’s me
I’m humble before it
I don’t want to hurt myself
It’s always seemed impossible to love myself
And I’m tired of being angry at fools who want my love that I deem
unworthy
How do I break through that?
How do I love myself anyway?
Will clearing out the closet of all of these doppelgangers make it any
easier?
Can I do it alone?
Love myself?
Come out of my hermitage
Shiny and new
With a whole gallery full of heart-shit my dealer can sell for fame
and fortune?
Oh
To be fair
The artists I’ve partnered with have always been too interested in
their own agendas to play my game
But I’ve had plenty of sorry fellows with raized lives happy to play
along…
What am I doing in this city?
I don’t know how to be with any of you
I don’t know how to have fun
I suck
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I’ve been focusing on sleeping more like a normal
These are the things I wrestle with
Up at 9am the last two days
Today for working at the acupuncture clinic
Late anyway
But a good morning of yoga and such
No time for proper communications
— she says I’m doing well
But my liver is a little punchy (re: pissy)
After the needling I moved about in a haze
I was gone from NYC nearly three weeks
So walked around since 3 til now buying things
And looking for the Bijou Cinema
( it was talked about at my little party on Saturday )
Found two addresses for it
Both now empty
But I got some good books for cheap at St Mark’s books
The street, however, was even less interesting to me than it used to be
I stopped by Flower Power to see if they had a Salvia D Tincture
They didn’t
But while there
A very young black boy came in and looked around, then asked the clerk
” do you sell weed “
Yeah, he meant mj
She was shocked
He shrugged and left
I did too ( after buying oat tops )
And felt terribly uninspired
Now I’m waiting out the next half hour with 2-4-1 drinks at the Boiler
Room
…apparently the Bijou opens later…
Who knew?
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One of the bitchies I have in my head
Are all the gays and girls who are So UpTight!
Tight hair cuts
Tight clothes
I was talking to this butch last night who moved from Brooklyn to 157
And all the trouble with the dangerous blacks he’s had
He’s telling me this
How he wouldn’t take out his iPhone ever on the train cox he’d get
jacked
Am I missing something?
Or are we not living in the late 70’s anymore?
Are blacks all pit bulls?
I try to tell him they are
And how they’ll only attack you if you show fear
Land sharks
You know
I hate the racist shit coming out of my mouth
But my conscious racism is mocking his automatic
He’s some big muscle queen bear
Red hair
Very pale
Tight body
Tight beard
Tight ass
Living in fear
I can just tell from his faggy little fraidy voice
He’s moving to San Franciso
I try to tell him to take martial arts so he knows be can kill someone
with his bare hands
Always got a weapon
He tells me he called the cops and they didn’t come
He was wearing a Black Flag shirt
And the black boys in his hood called him a faggot
His boyfriend walked nonChalantly on as they chucked glass bottles at
his faggot ass
So they broke up
Red beard lives in fear
Like all the other queers and soccer moms who moved here from points
west
And wish it were all a GAP mall or something
So they could feel safe
Or rich
And live in the village
“I can’t wear a skirt in my neighbor hood! I’d get killed! I live in
Washington heights!”
Yeah
Well I can go from Jesus to Manson on a dime
And I can wear a skirt anywhere I want, bitch
Cox we’re all People here
And I’m not afraid of People
People I can deal with.
Goats too.
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I’ve taken the ferry at least twice before
Probably more
But never spent time here
Today I hooked up with a married guy who lives on the south side
I was amazed at all the cars
The freeways
… I felt like I was on Mainland America
We pulled into a suburban housing plot
Pretty with fallen leaves all yellow
And big purple Halloween plastic blowup somethings
He said his wife has always known he was gay
And sex was ne’er a part of their relationship
They adopted a girl to raise
He’s an attorney
I don’t know what she does
But they liked to spend money
He said he obsessively buys CDs
Has over 23,000 on the top floor of the house
Snoop dogg
Radiohead
Manu chao
Maria Carey
Aerosmith
It seems he buys most anything he doesn’t have
Says he takes a 32 disc wallet to work every Monday he fills up
alphabetically
“so I listened to 9 discs by Naz, bill Nash… ” he listed a few..
The walls through the house were lined with “modern art”
Matted pop-up cards coverd in glitter and puff paint…
He drove me back “downtown” SI
I had some really good pizza at A&S
Walked around a bit
Felt rejuvenated by all the unused energy here
Enjoyed the views
Waiting for the ferry
A lot of black boys/men enjoyed shouting into the air
“open the damn door!”
So many things about so many people
I just don’t Get
I did a photoshoot yesterday
On the roof, on the beach ( the ship is gone! ) and in my room against my murals
I promised not to publish any until they get accepted or not for something else
Talking with Leo, he asked me why I do this… As the photographer had…
I liked what came out of my mouth:
When I was younger I never imagined I would look like this
It was never a goal or ideal of mine
I was very into ellegance
I wanted to be Beautiful and have only Beautiful people around me
In the form of Handsome Refinement
I still love seeing Italian men who are perfectly groomed
Showing off their features…
But I really like what I’ve become as well
It’s a surprise to me
And I honestly don’t spend hours a day looking at myself
Even the photos i’ve posted in my “conversations” webpage I haventvseen all of myself
But I love that people want to photograph me
It is a record
A journal of it’s own
And oftentime more fun than just a Hook-up
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This mercury retrograde has been a good one in many ways: many things
have come to clarity and understanding…
However…
I’ve had a terrible time Being with most people
It took me days into this cycle to even notice it
And I’ve not been very good at stopping it
But I’ve been saying entirely inappropriate things often
So many times at the gathering
I repeatedly noticed people get up and move away from me
Some that I confronted denied any problem
But it was obvious to me
… After the fact
Last night at the bar I felt the same thing happening
Everything falling out of my mouth making people think I’m a total
asshole psycho wierdo
(2 out of three ain’t bad?)
Then there is this hipster finance mother fucker
Is “vote”ing for mcCain Ironic because of his stylishly lame clothes?
Or is looking like a manga character make up for wanting to rape the
world?
He was reading the wall street journal
I dunno
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