fighting with my existential lover

”
Finding The One
is like looking through a deck of cards
If you get a 10 of diamonds
You don’t try to turn it to an Ace
You just…
Flip.
”

( heard on the A train just before 168 )

I was just thinking about the many people I know who’s lives are bring shockingly altered right now…
As I listen to the real business people on/in their cells complaining of all of their money falling apart…
The MTA is in debt and will be cutting train lines…
Now no investments for the future…
Gas too expensive to go to the country house as often as we did…

I think about a newer friend of mine
When having a conversation about the economy collapsing
The New Depression
And he must have heard a tinge of Glee in my voice…
He said ” Those People are Me, Dominic… ”

And he’s been overhauling many aspects of his life
Excersize, nutrition…
Like an over-sized body,
This style of living is just not sustainable
And I believe Choosing to Change things in your life you Can deal with
Helps you deal with the changes in your life you have no control over

A night out
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and 17 others…

So…
i … ahhhh.

i was a wrestler in high school

ya know…

it goes from this… to this…

a few days ago
my uncle (father’s side, his youngest brother)
sent out an email to everyone in my family (and some other people i don’t know)
talking about the USPS postage stamp representing the muslim holidays “EID”
it was forwarded from some guy who often sends him things that he often forwards to me
mostly they’re dumb, sometimes somewhat insightful
and though i hate junk mail, i usually just let it slide
… but this one was all about how “real americans” should boycott the stamp
as it is a slap in the face to all of the “americans” who have died at the hands of the “vicious muslims”
hmmm
after three days of no one else in the family responding
i wrote out a response and sent it “reply all”

when i woke up this morning there was a voice mail from my father
.. i avoided it a few hours
and when i listened to it
it just said “call me”
when i did
i was shocked that he said
“i wanted to tell you i read your email… and i’m proud of you. what you did was the right thing… and though i don’t agree with everything you said, i admire that you did it and how you did it”

i was shocked.

the emails

this is all just context, but there is one thing i wanted post tonight… it is:

i used to do this
but can i now?
even before going to sleep…

guy in cap:
he talked about worshiping the cock and kept spouting words like “pissy jock” and “man smells” as if they were somehow landmarks. – i burbled over with him.
then tony:
just to sit next to and talk, pet, massage. italian married guy. “best to keep things that happen here in here, i don’t take contact info from people anymore” — he had a mild fever.
saw marty:
who lost 100lbs or something. but is very happy with himself. poignance: a Bear is a Type. removing his “type” he became a guy… another type appeared, perhaps one that was always there but was not just more prominent.
i think i’m forgetting someone…
but then there was Spike:
who i already wrote about, and he had a guy in the room with him who was only cursorily there.
after that, some guy touched me, but didn’t want to be touched, spoken to, or paid attention to.
then a very fat guy with a bad hairpiece beckoned me into his room:
i went in for probably three minutes. rubbed him while he mouthed me.
then the japanese banker:
i walked into his room: he had been sitting there working his dick for an hour or more. fat little guy. i closed the door behind me and watched him a bit. i decided to suck it. no words. he let me and i did for a long time. half hour? more? he didn’t cum. really amazing connection. i kept thinking “is this what having sex with a Japanese man is like? a Japanese Banker? wow…” his legs pressing along my body as i lay on my belly, rubbing him. — he really didn’t like my hair, though. told me i should style it.
then Erik:
a beautiful cute visitor from Sweden. i entered the room, closed the door. sat just like him with my back against the wall, working myself. watching eachother. i placed the sole of my foot against his. then massaged down my leg, up his. and sucked his cock in a gentle connecting way til he came. we hugged. talked a bit. hugged. a sweet connection.
then i saw Michael:
i’ve only ever seen him here. he’s very big and very furry and very jewish and very lovely.
we kissed and cuddled and played and i came with him
then showered: met the VA guy in the shower
went to the sauna:
met larry in there:
who’d i’d met at Bruin Buddies years ago — he now lives in Rome… he came back to visit to Vote. (kinda) went to his room to play with him. the most amazing big balls Ever. (though i still dream of BAZ’s…) exchanged contact info.
and ran into the guy from virginia
so took him back to my room and massaged him a bit
did yoga bending cock-sucking with him. neither of us came but i thought he was REALLY HOT.
went back to the shower. then sauna.
saw some guy who reminded me of ZG in his tension, un-common attractiveness and…
i took him to my room. he did have a dick like i imagined, though not as great as ZG’s. but it was fun to play with him.. he was so tense/nervous that it wasn’t really so fun. neither of us came.
i think this is when i went into my room to rest?
some guy walks in, not entirely hot, starts sucking my dick. i rub against his with the bottom of my foot. he cums after a while. we’re both surprised. he was born in Amsterdam. uncut. calls himself “Bil” here, but that’s not what he was born as.
then the old guy came in.
very old looking. but with dark hair. dyed? he was touching me. then this other kinda annoying guy pushed in. i’d played with him before, months ago… jewish i think, pushy bottom., scared the old guy off. he was so excited to touch me, i sucked his dick a second and he came “you’re too hot!” he said. left. the old guy came back and said “i’m so close” stuck his dick in my mouth and came.
i lay down to rest.
turned on my belly: first time in my life trying this: get a room, lay on belly with door open
in a minute some black guy walks in… he talks constantly and asks if i’m OK with black guys. i tell him i’m ok with anycolor if i want to have sex with them.. he says he wants to look into my eyes when he sperms me… while talking about making love and i am just really not feeling it with him and he literally pushes his way in. i tell him NO and he grabs lube and starts slathering it on my ass so i stand up and say “you who cannot hear me say NO will now hear me say NO and you will Go. Now.” and he did.
i went to the bathroom and took a shit. shower. was polite to a cute bearish guy from seattle. said “we must always be gracious to the cute” – told him to move my towel onto one hook: shower room was full.
i went back to the sauna to do my ending yoga set.
this is when i talked with/kissed the french boy. right?
then sat up on the top shelf
some old guy got in and looked at me like he was angry
i did bridge and plow and that binding thing on both sides, decided i should go
i looked at him and nodded
he said “thank you”

i guess i can.
i remembered them all and could recount it in sordid detail

do i really need to be doing this?

something so wonderful about all the flesh
but i know from past experience
i will feel sore and burnt out in the morning

i’m drinking lime-water and doing Iyengar tomorrow. we’ll see.

also took a great shower with my new plant i picked up off the street (fuck, mites, hope i killed them all. will it survive?) and the new black-seed soap i bought from the indian grocery soap: Made in Brooklyn, baby.

i should be sleeping.

My mother’s mother’s father was named Spike

that wasn’t his Name
but that’s what she called him.

quite a few years ago i met this guy named Spike on the silverdaddies.com
he lived in San Diego
a place i have never spent time.
“met” online. so
just chatted a bit

i loved his face picture
— for the sake of this story we’ll say he is what made me start collecting face pictures from that site (though i doubt that is true)

tonight
at the sauna
i saw some guy i thought was hot
he didn’t seem interested
later
i saw him again
this time talking loudly to someone
in an over-ly animated way not often found in places like this

i stood outside the door as they touched eachother
they looked at me and i asked if i could come in
they conceded

much touching then happened
blah blah blah

“i’m a capricorn!”
blah blah
“i’m not from here, i’m from San Diego”

oh really, it clicked
i said
“and is your name Spike?”

oddly
years later
i pulled his name instantly out of my head

i am grateful for such things
and
i even told him about my great-grandfather (who i never met)
maybe that’s why it stuck.

he happened to have the exact same Capricorn birthday
as my current Capricorn friend who introduced me their tribe in actuality.
actualities. (CLAR!)

and he said i had the exact same Gemini birthday as an X of his

though then we both admitted to eachother that we’d never had real partners
really.

his friend died of a heart attack right next to him in the passenger’s seat while he was driving
or was that someone else?

didn’t he say he was afraid of gemini’s?

i told him i’m still afraid of Aries
he has an aries rising
(as well, i just realized)

Freaky!

he had a beautiful smile
a magnificent organ
and he felt very good to touch.

in 1997
Underworld put out promos for their forthcoming album: Beaucoup Fish
a guy i vaguely knew from my home town was living in LA and working for an electronic music magazine
so got a promo of it
… on cassette

i copied it onto my mini-disc player

the transfer was less-than-perfect
at the time i didn’t realize
but when the album came out and i heard the official songs
i was a bit disappointing
the tape-speed had been fucked up somehow (remember problems like that?)
so my recording had everything Slightly Slow…

i liked the album better that way
still, i eventually learned to love the CD release
… however
one thing i’ve never let go of
is how the song “Shudder / King of Snake” segues into “Winjer”
on the cassette
it was listed as
“Shudder / King of Snake: Winter”
i’d always been confused about the winter thing
when the album came out, it made more sense: Winjer

big difference is
on the album
they break the song in two
on the cassette
they flowed into eachother
as if just different movements of the same song

i think the segue on the album just sounds clumsy and dumb
but that’s only because i heard the way it was originally intended

i suppose they changed their mind when they decided KOS was going to be a single
and wanted to make it easier for DJs to mix?
i dunno
but it pisses me off

and this is what i’m getting at

i’m pretty good at finding shit on the internet
but i haven’t found it yet

does anyone have a file of that original version of King of Snake flowing into Winjer?

just a call out into kaos

thanks.