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my first time to Fire Island was alright
I got a bit red
I walked the beach
the trees
the boardwalks
I imagined people I knew there
imagined myself there
imagined myself in a bath house
in palm springs
I was happier by far here
what a strange alternate reality
open ended
plenty of deer
and flighty queers
well, we’re all in this together
I’ll see this clearly some day

today had no triumphs
just today
and what I learned is for another day
now I’m home
and starting all over again
building supports for my roots

of yeah!

five days of antibiotics
well the color of my phlegm has cleared
oh, I’m still coughing a bit
I just need to reassemble myself
I guess I’m scared

scared
no room for fear
I talk to strangers
embarrassed by the morass I’m in
Mosquitos here
constant
and other vampires
I bed for
I’m sure

I only know now
I must rest

thank you!

.iP

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my first time here
it is beautiful
I’ve not interacted with the people much
but it’s beautiful

.iP

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my velocity should be checked
I understand I’ve been in the docksfor a while
but zero 2 sixty
…
I’m over booked
kinda until the end of the month
and haven’t scheduled any alone time for the next few days
so maybe this will have to be re-arranged
but I discovered the mystery of
just do it
oh, no, sorry. I thought about it.

went to see Hair
a guy who I was scared of in the past
don’t really know
was still very distant from him this evening
only thought of
inappropriate questions
after we split for the evening

but I saw the show as if it were performance art
rather than money making broadway theater

it’s probably both
but more of the latter
yet still some of the actors connected with me
more the ones who didn’t have to be so melodramatic on stage

back ground singers are free to be more open channels
leads are tight nozzels
squeezing the spirit out in a specific spray
stream
mist

I watched them
like the dancers, performance artists, actors in the last several months
and thought:
I want to move my body like that
I want to do that with my body…

…does one revisit a psychic that gets many of the details wrong
yet is very positive
so it would be nice to believe?

I don’t frequent them
it seems most are wrong about the details
but always say I’m something special
meant to be wealthy
famous
and on the brink of an astounding change

which is nice to believe

"But when you want to Live
How do you Start?
Where do you Go?
Who do you need to Know?
oh…"

I said to her on the phone
when she announced her perception and confusion of my mind like "but
you’re not Scientific."
oh?
"yes, very rational, logical. but very balanced with your emotions,
creativity. sensually oriented. artistic. not very scientific, though
you could be"

yes, I said, I used to believe I could Know The Truth by studying the
world outside me
but it required many tools, cooperation and much uncertainty.
when I started studying art and yoga and psychadelics I realized I
could know the truth of the world from inside myself and found that
much more practical and useful

yes
but more anti-social as well

do it in front of people
sing it out

will it mean more?
exponentially.

do it.

.iP

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another scene from an imaginary film

and what I learned today was
I should wear more clothes that sparkle
preferably with tights
also, I should twirl when I walk
often

I should follow my habit of always ordering what on the menu draws my
attention
that I have never heard of
it’s perfect

when encountering a sinkhole of emotion need of a person
I should state clearly my limits
no need to be mean
nor euphemistic
some people it is right to say No to

perhaps, though, I often put myself in situations that I did not
consciously design
and I try them out for a while
sometimes longer than I should
when I know it’s no good
but sometimes
more often more recently
I am clear I don’t need any more of that in my life
easy to turn off a person
though some I used to wish I could help
I get a glimpse of that now
but have cone to believe there are people that never get better
most of us don’t
we just are who we are
what we are
do what we do
accepting that with any interraction
me and you

any one I ever get the feeling I want to change any more I test to see
if I can let that go
or generally give them up

should I be more tenacious?
at this point I think not
though I am young
and not so cut and dry
there are many people I just try and learn new terms to deal with
people that are worth it some how
and I understand they are doing the work they can do

and often
we are trying something
that never works
no matter how hard we want it
we try the same way to get it
over and over
with never a different result
because it will never work
though we try

to make a reality made one way be one that’s another
with out dismantling and reconstruction it will just never work
oh sure
there can be destruction
but even that will not achieve the desire
but destroy the context

which either forces the manifestation of an ideal context (or a quick
fix to keep it going a little longer)
or the destruction of the desiring body… or desired object…
forcing a new manifestation
or freeing from the impossible struggle

impossible hunger is a good motivator for life
yeah
but I don’t want That to be my sustaining metabolism
I want happy consumption, colaboration, intercourse, creation. I’m
fine with the struggle, I like to work for it (so I say)

do I need someone to make the context for me?

I’d like to do that for myself as well, please.

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"incision", The Artist is Absent. Ulay/Ambramović

.iP

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one of my regular clients came over today
he brought me birthday presents
and is taking me to the ballet tomorrow:
I’ve never seen a classical ballet before

I’d not seen him for many weeks
and it was the first time I’ve tried to give a massage in two weeks
(it was supposed to be a guided yoga session, which I’d acceeded to: a
massage I would not have)
I touched him to begin the session
and my body became fully present for healing

my heart was filled with anger
despiration
hopelessness
I was crying for love
wanting someone to touch me
make me feel better
my whole body ached
and I was exhausted

oh! nothing to give, sorry
I told him
but gave him ten minutes of polarity hold, cranial-sacral, and some
neck work
but I really couldn’t
I lay down
and coughed

we looked through a porn mag he brought me
bad pickup lines

I just wanted to write an angry email
I wanted to be alone

he showed me a few videos on YouTube of the last ballet he saw
some specific star that was excellent at spinning
I saw them moving their bodies:
I want to move my body like that…

beautiful
elegant and graceful
I’ve been seeing a good deal of modern dance lately
mostly on accident
though I love watching them move their body like that
the contrast against this classical made them seem rough, violent and
dramatic

I’m sure it’s all drama
all drag…

Ian rode his bike up
got to my place only moments before my client
so after
I met him up at dykeman
ate a burger
sweet potato fries
(I’ve been eating mostly vegan, one meal a day for the last two weeks)

we headed to the beach
rode first to the northern tip

nice

then to my favourite rock
goose shit covered
mulberries
I smoked some pot
which I had also been neglecting to do
I coughed steadily for ten minutes
standing up to di a forward bend
I thought would clear my lungs
instead I vomited on the rock

from hanging with Dani last week I got the feeling to be free with my
vomit
no holding back
no shock
Ian was worried though
and horny
so we went out perusing
and I found my Cuban/Dominican couple I enjoy
the later speaks no English
the former is the perfect body for me
he said (after a half hour of intense fellatio) " where have you been?
you haven’t been coming home. have you been going out all over the
city?"
something in that touched me
perhaps I’d fall in love with anything right now
he worked my nips real hard
we all got where we were going
and I went back to lay with Ian
Louis walked by
I called him down
he said I almost pronounce his name right
I enjoy his smile
but we were cooked
and headed south

I wasn’t prepared to be out long
but, indeed, longed for activity
so agreed to ride down the bike path with Ian
I took this picture while on the bike
(more pics in my flickr)

we walked the train tracks Stand By Me style
rode down
stopping when I was coughing too much
("I need an oil change")
stopping to do a quick lesson on shifting gears
stopping at Fairway for refreshments
stopping to get a call from a psychic counsellor I had been gifted a
reading from
but forgot my appointment
she assured me I was on the brink of a major spiritual shift
and had great tasks in this life

I know I know
why the fuck can’t I do them?
I feel I’m treading water lost in the middle of the ocean
I just want to do my work
why can’t I?

we rescheduled
and continued down
through the traffic fumes
to dinner in Chelsea
where I stank like musky dog
and we were all but ignored by the Chelsea waitstaff
…s’ok
I took my bike on the train home

returned a call
got a free ticket to see HAIR on broadway Thursday night
well happy birthday

I took a shower
washed my hair
took a salt bath
did some yoga in the brine
now in bed
readying for sleep
envisioning myself healthy tomorrow
and full of love again

.iP

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oh
here’s the crux
it’s 3am
and I’m preparing for sleep
i’ve felt good all day
everyone who I talked with on the phone said how much better I sounded

but I did wake up with a chest that felt full of sand
and decided to get some antibiotics

I haven’t taken them yet.

my mother told me she’d had a similar illness in the winter that she
battled naturopatically for thee weeks before she took an antibiotic
which kicked it out right away
I’ve been dealing with this now a week and a half
and I’d like to wash my hands of it
but hate to put my body through a harsh shock of antibiotics if I
don’t have to

much less coughing
much less phlegm
much less sinus stuff
oh, but still some
and not a little
compared to being healthy

am I on the mend
and getting better every day this week?
waxing like the fresh moon?
or should I take these pills
which will ensure I continue to feel shakey, feverish and shitty all
week
just to be sure I’ll feel good next week

what a gamble
I’ve always been bad at gambling

do I tak the homeopathic treatment again tonight? or has that been
contributing to my illness as well?

I skipped it friday…

I’ve felt so much better all day today
not that I’ve used my time better
video games and flesh sites
but that isn’t different than normal
which means I’m getting better!
?

I woke up this morning with stories about Our Military killing
puppies, herds of sheep, innocent bystanders
simply coz they could, were bored, had the power, were brain washed
and insane, were mistaken and killing had become too easy
easier than not

followed by
these people come home and become our police officers
psychopaths controlling our lives

followed by the oil in the gulf
and the arms on the flotilla

and really
I didn’t want to be here
fuck this place
it’s wacked
I want out
if I just let my body die
am I free to leave?

yeah, just like a kid again
I decided I had to do something about it
take some poison
to kill my killing self
to die my death wish
shake that cattarah of hopelessness from my heart for good
suffer some more to be free
and go on with living
it’s what we do!
even when we lack the power to do it ourselves

oh
somewhere in the lost day
at the edge of my perception
(in the shadows; just out of earshot)
was my lover
not anyone I’ve talked with on the phone recently
all people who love me
(standing there rooting, holding a light, cheering "come back to life!
Live!")

somewhere
the potential
the imaginary friend
who made me dinner
when I forgot to eat
and suggested we go for a walk through the park
who rubbed my neck
and made mr tea

maybe we would have decided together
weighing the odds, the meanings, the consequences
if I should take that pill now

but I cheated on my video games
and continued to win on my own
I used those sites of hopeful communication
just for flesh, the voluptuous empty distraction
I stayed up far later than what would have been healthy for me
continuing to cancel life
(maybe even tomorrow I’ll say "oh, sorry" and get out of another day…)

if I don’t have faith in myself
(obviously unable to make my best decisions on my own)
and am certain I don’t want to replace the lover with the doctor
BUT conceed it is best to continue with life
even though I am tasting mostly the foul
and feel I’m treading water in a dark endless bay at night
perhaps I should just take the pills
and continue to release my grip on my own fate
free will doing me fuck-all these days

mmmm
Gronlandic Edit
www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858624050/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y_cg1d0-mk&feature=youtube_gdata
.iP

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talked with an old lover today
called an old friend I didn’t reach
lots of dead air on the lines

I keep talking about enjoying this sickness
down time
isolation

before I went through puberty I was a total dork
though my heart despersately yearned for acceptance
most interraction was rife with pain
no one could be trusted
"friends" would turn on me to look better to more popular kids
my brother, certainly
my father, just because
(hey, ya gotta feel better than Someone…)
so despite my wishes
I often was alone
talking to trees
turtles
frogs

I was always confused by competition
to be better than someone
when I sometimes came across as smart at school
became better at video games than anyone else I knew
likewise with computers (a new technology at the time… I had Mercury
explaining everything to me)
eventually acting, singing, tuba playing

I couldn’t help it really
anything I did
I would sometimes excell in
get lots of attention
praise
and scorn
I always felt bad at suceeding because of how obviously it hurt the
Loser I made
I’d been the Loser for so long
as I started to grow out of that role I was so careful
not to kick people as I passed them
to help them up if they thought to extend their arm up…

eventually I became desired
an aura of potential around me
high hopes
great expectations
…

I honestly feel that’s fading now
as if I’ve conversed that I’m not up for the challenge
I really don’t know what to do
which direction to push
it’s not moving
and either I’m too meek or too lost
not sure of my path
or my destiny?worth?
mmmmm

so yeah, it’s nice here in my solitude
I’vealways fantasized about being able to disappear
is that why I’m here?
to be a needle
in a hay-stack of needles?
I though I was coming here to hitch my inertia to a star and rocket
back into the world via sattelite!

twinkle twinkle, little star…

.iP

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I told a friend today
I decided I wanted to live as an aging spinster

give up trying to be social
I’m bad at it anyway

occasionally make things
never marry
play video games
listen to music
watch movies
cease all sexuality
learn to knit
enjoy cooking for myself

well, that’s what plans are like
I had this whole month planned with strenuous activity
but no

rest
sit here
move things around yourself, boy
lay around
no. just here.

so here I am
and I’m OK with that
it makes me feel like the last time I was like this
early puberty
before I found my place in the world
(wait? have I yet? not entirely, but obviously)

this solitude
before lonliness was ever understood
the life outside the windows
TV
people I could only imagine to meet
(sending me emails)

I am progressing
house cleaning
getting healthier
vascillating through hopeless fear
and peace and patience

life is living
this is part of it
thank you

.iP

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nothing much to comment
I’m just counting my days
these happen to be lethargic ones
playing video games
watching movies
eating curry
napping

more
sle
ep
.

.iP

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so
fine
I left the house again today
coughing and sneezing on the subway
after a morning of wrestling myself into some lovely yoga
effective
pointedly not eating
putting on a string bikini
strong bitter tea

accomplishing things
walking down 6th ave and finding two cacti in the flower district
packed with mescaline (as far as I could tell) for $10 each:=$21.78
while I waited for the Russian lady to finish telling me why I can’t
cat Damiana from her coz she only uses Artemisia for decoration (I
didn’t bother forrecteing her, just pet her big loving grey Tom Cat
while she prattled on)
walked down 6th
deposited the check in their bank
a deep voice. big tall bear… tongue hanging out of my mouth
I followed him up to the door
went up to blue lotus
Danny wearing J’s shirt looked more boring than I’d ever seen him…
there I go again hating those who love me
I wanted to make him skip school
I’m a bad daddy
She gave me pills
and I ran off
through the slight rain
cross Madison park to the casting call
some other music video
higher clout
as a executioner
we’ll see…
very little to report on that
but really
it seemed as if it were set up for and by kids who it never occurred
to grow up
feeling old?
the imagination of kids makes fun stuff though
the imagination of adults… well…
(not to generalize)
for still being sick
I hope I looked alright

headed back over and down
now the weather warm and bright
I stopped in Tekserve and bought a USB game controller
$21.78
and continued down the block into Pong Sri to have a big bowl of Tom
Kha Gai (mmm coconut milk chicken soup)
exchanges with my friend from Amsterdam
I dropped off some mail at 200w21
and met up with M in BigD’s on 14th
we sat in Union Square til it started to rain
he gave me Dutch candies
I let him play with my iPad
we walked through the pouring rain to get some hot chochlate (he got a
sugary crepe)
say and talked in sone tourist dive
gigantic people flanking us

it’s my turn for love
he told me

he had to meet Inez
and I was losing ground

I made my way
standing
subway to subway
back home through the rush hour

exhausted exhausted exhausted
sweaty and tired
I rinsed off
lay down
my back on a pillow
opening my ribs
I passes out for what felt like an hour

then started eating chocolate covered sprouted almonds
and trying to figure out how to get my game controller to work
arranging my cactus
getting my new apps to function right
right
Right!
then played Super Mario for an hour
I Suck!
is it coz I’m old?
or sick and brain damaged?
I switched to SoulBlazer, which Dani introduced me to
and got lost in that for hours
how did that happen?
blink of an eye and it’s 2am!
fuck
I should be sleeping
I should be dreaming
I should be more grateful
though I really am

yeah
the judgements of judgements
of course
what I am includes that
release
release
just be
it’s time for this
make time for this
it’s time…

.iP

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I’m cheating

I feel like I’m losing myself

I’m mired in the past
and don’t know what to do with any of it
anymore

I’ve always felt like this

right
I don’t care about anything anymore

cough
cough cough cough cough cough

I’ve been listening to Arab Strap for hours

that’s it!

I’ve been sorting through piles
it’s the dust!

it’s the Spice!

the world concerns me
white polish immigrants wearing black masks to rob banks in Ohio
(cough cough cough cough)
black boys (14,16) robbing a pharmacy in oaklahoma
gulf war veterant owns the place; shoots the 16 year old dead with one
shot to the head, misses the 14 y/o who was pointing a gun at him, who
then flees. man chases him but is fat and old. loses him. comes back
in and pumps 5 more rounds into the boy’s body on the ground
for this they try him for murder
and the kid’s family says that boy never woulda harmed nobody
and some older relatives of the 14 y/o came up with the idea of it
anyway
plus, the 14 y/o has only an IQ of 72
so it’s the white war vetran shop owner’s fault
coz they pointed a gun at him and his employees and wanted cash and
drugs
WTF?
shouldn’t killing be legal in these situations?
emotionally based. intellectually based. socialization. Come fucking on.

cough cough cough cough cough

not to mention oil spills and israel

cough cough cough

I watched the 2008 horton movie as well last night before I slept again
made me cry as well
still seemed like it was about abusing foreign countries to me
and fear of fascists
and middle American nightmares
complete with goth kid

cough cough

made miso soup today

watched Herman USA

yeah

watched some Tim and Eric

yeah

almost done with the living room

"if you live through this with me…"

it’s obvious to me I don’t want to be alone
I am incredibly irritable though
I hate myself(.) for how judgemental I am
wish I were unconditionally loving
but find it too much like white flour, white sugar: no substance, no
teeth
what’s the point?

who will love this monster?

all the kaph-ites who just decide to and weather the storms like trees?

is that why I like them?

cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough

cough
cough cough

I’m tired of coughing
I’m tired of hurting
I’m tired of hurting the one(s) I love
I’m tired of life alone
I’m sick of it
this exasperation is making me sick

that beautiful seatbelt commercial
yes
embrace life
if you have a wife and kid
if you have a family to hold onto
you

argh!

cough
phlem
exhaustion

"at least I’m not shitting blood again"
thanks Aidan

I’ll go do some yoga in my cave

cough cough cough

.iP

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yay
let’s go down town
for some reason that didn’t happen
but make it to have lunch with your friend
(picture taken in the crazy WCs at BAR68)
Have a Burger.
(I’ve hardlybeen eating anything for days, just vegan curry, fruit and
herbal tea)
want a new iPhone
(that is what they’re for… wanting. at least I use mine all the time)
then went to the Chelsea Hotel to copy some files and hang with a friend
and cough
exhausted
I left after not too long
some smuck druggie hits me up in the lift trying to tell me he’s an
artist manager, I’m an artist, right?
then tries to buy drugs from me
and I’m too tired for this shit

some nightmares on the street today
guy with huge scar across his forehead like his brain has been cut into
listening to his iPod
some old man packing his beautiful briar pipe
but his skin looks like curddled milk
and he’s shuffle-stepping slow as a turtle

I was studying some Vedic Astrology this morning
one of the tags on the website was
"When you love everyone unconditionally
You are enlightened"
and, of course, I’m a judgemental bastard
calling people "nightmares"
complaining about people who "love" me
living me only in a useless way
like a
stand there and stare in adoration kinda love
instead of opening the door for me
or giving me a back rub
right, shouldn’t my wife be my slave?
oh, sordid corrupt history of my species… how do we clean out all
the ingrained bullshit?
will I ever love?
not today

I got home
taking Colostrum
coz maybe I need to be more of a baby
I’m so tired of fucking coughing
I rinsed off
lay in bed
and played a singing bowl on my chest
which felt amazing
but I was tired and just wanted to receive
so posted an ad on CL asking for a healer or at least someone who knew
how to use a bowl to come over and ring it on my chest for a hour

of course not
but why not try?

I watched the 1970’s "Horton Hears a Who" coz I never had
and it made me cry
so obviously about so many things
but thinking of the factory workers in China who have been killing
themselves lately (to make our computers! that factory! for this!)
the obvious references to middle American fear of difference
plus fear of being aware of the countries we’re abusing
plus fear of witnessing pleople elevating the people we try to make
invisible to Person status
so much persecution
it was kinda terrifying
"We Are Here!"
stuck in the clouds
(til something from the new generation bursts through… so many cloud
layers to get through…)

or I’m just really sensitive right now.

I thought to take a nap afterwards
maybe 7pm is too late for napping
I woke to a phone call at 0:16 from Leo
talked with him for nearly an hour
now…

can I sleep again or should I watch a movie?
ahhh well, we’ll see

.iP