this is funny
i just found this from an old friends site
i haven’t figured out to make links to other users pages
but it doesn’t look like he has been updating recently much anyway
his name is
cachondo
la luz y la oscuridad,
pintados en el cielo
y enterrados en suelo
para siempre,
hasta que se apague el sol,
hasta que la vida nos deje solos.
Somos preguntas sin solucion,
creados en el suenyo y
revelando los secretos
para siempre,
hasta que se calme el dolor,
hasta que la Nada transforme todo.
and now, the bad english translation from http://babelfish.altavista.com/
the light and the dark,
painted in the sky
and buried in ground
for always,
until the sun is extinguished,
until the life leaves us single.
We are questions without solution,
created in dreams and
divulging the secrets
for always,
until the pain calms,
until the Nothing transforms everything.
isn’t that just perfect?

Our Father
Who Art of Heaven
Hallowed Be
Thy Kingom’s Come (cum?)
Thy Will be Done
on Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily Fruits
and for give us our Trespasses
as we forgive those
who tresspass against us
Lead us into Temptation, if it pleases you
but deliver us from evil
Amen.
So,
i came out to João
then we lay down to sleep
in the darkness
he asked for a massage
but not like “oh, my back hurts”
but
“come up here and touch me”
i had told him my pains about my Gay Issue
which upset me so much
how the people in the city seemed so full of angst
terror
anger
and not love
and not life
and yes, that is where love must be made most
but it wears me out…
i said
“i wish i could be with people like you who were gay”
and becareful what you wish for…
i started giving him a Breema-style massage
he on his back
me working his feet and legs
feeling the energy
i closed my eyes
into the sway of his body and flow…
i opened my eyes to the smell of his musk
rock hard
what could i do?
but this is not Sex
rather
this is not Love.
this is Service.
i am a Servant very often.
when i feel out of place
i serve.
i make food.
i give massage.
i serve the body and the heart
the mind and the One…
get myself out of the way
and be what else is asked of me
so i did not get to cuddle
be close and intimate and loving
just serve.
understaning my lesson
with its taste in my mouth
i slept well…
and was woken in the morning to Jacira at the door
in a rush!
inviting us to the her father’s boat.
Now, when i was hanging out at her house
i saw all her father’s stuff
crazy art work everywhere
and she said he slept on his boat most often
he loved it there
… i have this thing for Sailors…
so i told her i wanted to meet her Father.
we got to the boat
and of course
he is this bear
with sun and salt beaten face
beard
belly
big legs
gruff kind nature
i am in love!
ah.. the nature of father’s with their children.
no one speaks english much
i play around
the boat is sliding through the water
boat=barak?
sail=vela
sailing=velajure
he gives me his swimming trunks
(you know the thrill of feeling his clothes against your own skin, yes? knowing the same place that touched him touches you…)
i dove into the water and swam with glee in the beautiful blue
he calls out
“be careful for those Sharks!”
i look up at him with a start
and his face is open and smiling
and i know he is kidding
and i laugh and play
(as opposed to my own father, who always made me feel scared and angry at him for scaring me… i can tell he is doing this to get our attention… to make us aware of how everything is OK and there is nothing to fear…)
i watch him with his arm around his Daughter
and have i ever mentioned?
i am gay, you know, so i do not have a wife and children
but before i knew this
i wanted my wife and children to always sleep together
naked at home in our city apartment
nude bodies spooned snug and warm every night
and honey and i making love in the same bed with the babes…
so they would know love and tenderness and intimacy as i did not , alone in some dark crib
and when they were old enough and desired
they would know it was ok to join in
and we would all make love to eachother
as the family expanded…
when i see father’s with their children i always think there is something sexual about it..
always have…
and his arm around her
his other hand on his cock
see?
i become entranced…
he feels it
everyone always feels it
they just, sometimes, pretend not to
she is out playing on the mast now
an i am watching him
he touches himself, mid-flacid
i am swooning
i say
“Pai, como se sama?”
he says
“Pai means Father… my name is José”
“i know” i say
i know.
the boys
the babes
the sisters and brothers
… fathers.
Our Father…
when i was in the Current room the last week
i thought often about sex
working out sex
remembering sex
the prayer of sex
the duity of sex
of love.
my mother said
“when you have sex with all these men… do you think it is love?”
i stammered…
“sometimes…”
of course!
we need to love!
but we gotta put our hearts in it
i am scared of love…
in the current
i sat one day
listening…
i felt love
it washed through my body in heat
like loving hands smoothing everything
>>who are you?<<
— i am god —
who is god?
problem i have:
God to me is like the Great Spirit
like the Universe…
like Ma…
how do you say?
Binha…
The mother of the universe, more…
God does not have a personality
god just IS
everything is god
i am god
you are god
keyboard is god
and god is not vengeful
god just is
and god is not loving…
ugh.
when i was in amsterdam in 2002
i got my heart eaten out in those dark rooms
i met man after man
pleading for love
COME BACK TO MY HOUSE!
but they wouldn't
they were on vacations
their boy-friends waited
their husbands at home
it was porn
it was not real
it was wank
what the fuck?
i had my heart eaten….
i met a whitch, his name was Joe
he was in all black biker leathers…
he was a biker
with hair down the middle of his back
he was german
he was a witch
he said
" what the fuck do you think you're doing? "
i told him i was having trouble with god
"what?"
i am trying to create a god who is more perfect than i am…
i am a solopsist so often
life lives up to my integrity
and i break so often
i forget
i give myself away
i lose myself!
an do not fully know compassion and love
if i believed in a god who was perfect
who knew all
and was always loving
i could appeal to him for help when i need it
and actually TRUST that he could help me
but i only believe in the WHOLE of the universe
a play space where a dis-passionate god is us
all ov us
doing whatever we want
whenever we want
just to have an experience
nothing right, nothing wrong
good or bad
but in this silly human story we have created
that i always find so difficult to relate to
and just don't understand
and i don't believe in their gods
because they are just masks…
" you know it cannot be done… something lesser cannot create something greater "
and this is true…
and flowing in the current i looked to Jesus
Jesus is a Pagan god.
he was created as a face of God
a loving face
and all-forgiving, all-loving mouth of god
the body of god that was chaste and perfect of loving
but he is as much story as any other god
created from our collective dreams and desires
and those who fall back into the passion of these created gods
live the satellite existance of our collective desires
is this a bad thing?
of course not…
but there are some that would like to be gods in their own right
an old native american saying i got from Laughing Coyote:
"your life is a gift from great spirit… what you do with it is your gift back"
so you can be a god
you can make a world
you can rape the earth
you can have a boy and love him
or torture him
or ignore him
you can devour your fellow creatures
you can love
you can paint on the canvasses of the forgotten workers
telling the tales of the un-expressable woes you recieve through your own connection to our myriad illusions
why do i find the world to be such a torture chamber?
the world of man, i mean…
the world of the earth is beautiful to me
you eat what you want
eat the fruit
eat the beast
you get eaten when you get eaten.
you dance in the rain
you die in the snow
the animals…
ask the monglians, they will show you
they just wander on thier horses
sing little songs
eat and eat and eat and freeze and die and get born
get born again.
who is god?
and does he love me?
does god care?
sure: do i care?
god and me, we're great buddies
in the current
god whispers in my ear
"i love you"
and i kinda laugh
coz i can feel it
but i really don't understand it
(my friends hit me on the head, trying to get me out of there)
and who is this god
and how do i melt the hate in the world?
what i know of love, there in the current
i thought of not Our Father
but my own Pai
my papi
it hurts to write this now!
but that
from him
love is Poison.
he made me out of love?
he loves me?
it hurts
he hurts my mother and my sister and my brother and himself
so
he hides from this
he hides from his loves
HEY
it hurts
and the love that pours down from his
is one of control and hate
he hates his gay son
he hates himself
and he's dying because of it
hey, we're all dying of something
but when i try to love my dad
it kills me
when i love through this genetic line
this great story of the Sowinsky(i)s
it poisons me and who i am around
when i say
"i love you"
it means i will control you, dominate you and own you
and you will be mine
and i will throw scraps to you to keep you there at my feet
and i will whip you and tell you how bad you are
and my own anger and hate will eat me from the inside out
and i will say " i love you " and you will be a bleeding mess at my feet
as a die from a stroke or a heart attack.
what is that?
i was with my mother
i got angry at her for being with him
when she would pick up the phone to talk with him
her joy would dissapear
she would become so sad
so crushed
WHY DO THIS?
and what about this Hate..?
it is not love, it is hate
and i have always thought i was made of hate and love
and once i thought i was an anti-christ…
my brother told me so, my mother thought i worshiped satan
nine inch nails and the million anger rockers
how do we melt this hate?
how do we clearly label this hate?
say "you do not love me, you hate me. just own it. fuck off!"
but maybe there is a place in the world for hate…
does god love me or hate me?
he loves me!
he had given me the whole world to play in and enjoy!
why am i so hung up on my father hating me
when he does his best to love me
but hates himself
or his dad
or something
and can't get over it?
they tell me to leave him, make peace and forget it
but i cannot
i tried
and i don't want to
it is very american to run away from the past and start anew
but that is just bullshit
america is a mess because of that
and i don't agree with it
how do we love the hate?
i told Frank and Dave
whom i lived with in arizona,,, back in the days of '98
i told them
" we are all in this together, kid.
what you do to the least of my people you do to me
and i will never be happy and i will never be free until everyone on this planet has stopped suffering "
and more enlightened people have told me it is their choice to suffer
it is their deal
well fuck that
i am suffering too
and, tyrant that i am, i want to quit this suffering
and, therefore, need to quit theirs as well
or
i am 25
when i turn 30 will my feet grow closed?
will my head and heart shrink to contain only my own body?
will i be only my own self?
seperate from the rest
able to toss off my family
and the palestinians and the jews
and the people dying in their lonely rooms
and the hospital rooms
and the televisions
(laughs)
will i find an antidote for this poison?
i know that
if we all loved eachother
if GOD actually was a total state of Love
this world would not exist
i used to shout this at people with my anger
because of their joy in beer and football and bullying
i was stuck here to be their gimp!
no, i love being in the trees
i love being naked at the beach
in the forest
the hot springs
love eating the fruits from the branch
how come all you fools are taking this earth from me
when it is all i love and all i want?
if we were in a total state of love
nothing would exist
it takes this balance of love and hate
to create seperation
that stays together
in these modicum of interesting situations to play out
beauty
mosaic
UGH!
(laughs)
meanwhile
i am on a tropical island.
i spent a few hours meditating today
João's girlfriend arrived
and i left them to eachother
we had some breakfast together at about 2pm…
i meditated a while
rested, let my tired body rest and heal
read more of "One Hundred years of Solitude"
which i went back through and found things i had missed
what a strange world…
outside the door
there is love
inside the chest
there is love
my heart hurts here
outside
there is a beach!
there is a party going on
and the rain is falling down from leaf to leaf
getting together
having a party
they join
and everyone wants to
they come-a-running down the hillside
and become a stream
jump over rocks to bathe my sweaty body
and out into the ocean
i looked at João yesterday on the boat
"How do i say ' i want to jump into the ocean like a rain drop and become one with it'?"
he smiled.

asdf jklç
” ay, ess, dee, eff, space. jay, kay, el, ç, space ”
i am so glad i am here.
i arrived last night
João picked me up from the Ferry and took me to the top of a mountain.
a place he has been comming to for three years
was once a trail leading up there
then a horse trail
then a dirt road
now paved, with many houses being built
we hung out on one of them
up at the top
unfinished
the roof on
but open rafters for the deck
we dragged some boards over the spaces
sat down
and he smoked a joint
( i am abstaining, you see.. out of respect for my healing from the entities)
but this boy… this João…
he is also a João de Deus…
he is the kind of kid i like to be with
he gets stoned and does yoga!
Like i do!
he took off his shoes and began balancing on the 2″ boards
walking over the long-dark fall
in such a playful way
i found i couldn’t do it!
i couldn’t ground, relax, feel the board under my feet and walk it.
i was scared!
WHOA! i’m getting old…
but i realized it was mainly all the SHIT i had in my pockets
so i took my pants off
and then tried
worked much better
we both did yoga in the bask of the town lights… the stars… the beautiful view of the channel between the island and the mainland
over a long drop down a hill
on little boards…
a real test of courage
i was bashful about being naked
i decided he could handle it
it was fine.
went back to his place
set up my bed
took a cold shower… DOUCHE!
i mean, a huge gush of cold water…
something about all the sun i have been getting
no water seems that cold right now..
just exhilerating.
he invited me out with his argentinian friends
out drinking
so i declined
not just because i am off alcohol right now
but because i was really tired.
i slept well.
really well
woke in the morning and did yoga in bed for an hour or so
then started practicing portugese from the little Phrasebook i was given by Fred…
when João woke
we went out for a walk
to get some Açai…
little did i know it was so far…
and it turns out João DOES know Paula and Mauricio, whom i stayed with last time i was here
it turns out João knows at least half the people who live on this island.
we went to the same waterfall that Mauricio took me to when i was last here
but we went very differently:
João jumps from rock to rock
and i would say
“like i do”
but just SO MUCH MORE
so fast, and huge jumps
the american in me
the virgo
the voice of my mother
all telling me i am going to slip and fall and crack my head open
and there is this boy in front of me
just doing it
i leap after him
and am shocked
there are a few times where i have to stop
and wonder how the hell i can jump that
he just acts like he could help
but there is no helping
i just do it
and it’s fine.
he slips and falls
it’s fine
it happens.
and he took me to the same place
he calls it “the witches pool”
but we didn’t stop there
we went past it
to a higher cachoeira
where the water was falling much faster and harder
and he showed me that there was a hole underneath it
jumped in and got rolled around in that water
massaged clean by it’s gruff loving fingers
then we flew back down the mountain
and he kept singing me Bob Marley songs
and i usually HATE bob marley
but hearing it from him i just loved it
i just love everything
and Bob’s lyrics, from João, were lovely
were just OF COURSE
and better than the things i was thinking about…
we met up with some of his friends
i had met this guy’s dog
a white Mikita (Kari, if you ever want to get me a dog, get me one of these)
i pet it the entire time i was there
huge clouds of fur falling out of her
we made love
she rolled around and i massaged her and scratched her
she was so beautiful
it took a while
many different roads
and João knowing everyone
this house was filled with art
i wish i could have met the maker.. their father
they’d lived in germany… and a german boy got to come here on foreign exchange..
(i thought back to my own foreign exchange and felt my customary bitterness and jealousy about this… i wanted to go to germany but they wouldn’t let me because i didn’t speak German… and now i feel condemned to only speaking english– but to come to a place like this!)
we went to drop off one boy at the ferry
then we went to pick up the owner of the VW bug we were driving around it
(this was my first time in a Bug… or is it Beetle?)
then we went back to the house to drop off her stuff
then we went to the beach
João showed me a island and told me i could swim there
and i forgot my swimming suit
and wanted to be naked anyway
so i figured if i just swam out there i could lay there naked
so i went behind a rock
took off my pants
and waded into the water
filled with rocks and barnicals and other strange things
i started swimming
going going
no problem
and half way there
i realized i was very far away from the shore
and very far away from the island
i had never swam this far before
so
i panic’d
and stared trying to get there faster
which only succeded on bringing on an Asthma type feeling
now, i had just gone on some long walks with my mother last week
where this happened to her
and i stood next to her being annoyed
wishing she would relax
take deep breaths
and walk slow enough so this wouldn’t happen
but here am i
doing the same thing
but in the middle of the ocean
ummm
so i got to the end of the Archepelago and clambored up the rock
scattering crabs everywhere
and flopped down on the hot stone
chest pounding
breathing fast and shallow
pissing myself
but unable to ground
unable to relate…
there i was on this little rock
far away from everything
wondering what the hell to do
and i turned around
and there was João
on the island
waving.
he jumped in
and swam by me
i watched his stroke
long and slow and relaxed
one after the other after the other
many times without breathing
i jumped in
and tried to emulate it
but still drove myself into panic..
but got there
worked my way back to my clothes
and let my heart jump back in my chest
…
then
THEN
we all get back in the car
and drive somewhere else
and this time it is João and Jacira (this beautiful girl), Jan (the german exchange student now come back to visit) and i.
we clambour down a hill
and then take off up the mountain through the river
(they call all rivers comming down mountains “Cachoeira”, water-fall)
this time João is running full speed
and Jacira is fallowing him, or finding her own way, at the same pace
so i put my fears down
and just went
rock to rock
so fast
over moss and slime and water
through the mud
the vines
the prickly plants
the trees with HUGE spikes comming out of them
CHARGE!
the most amazing exhilerating thrilling beautiful experience i have ever had
then we found our pool
clothes were off just as fast
and swimming…
João shows we can do anything
climbs up a big rock
and jumps 15 feet into the pool
knowing the exact spot to jump
not to get broken to bits by the rocks.
i think of all the americans i know…
all the ones i have been this person for…
that tell me their worries of
broken glass (we walked barefoot all over this island today!)
of slipping and falling
germs.. viruses
stock market crashes
being homeless
it all seems so petty!
and i can be angry when i am writing this
but i couldn’t while i was there
i was so filled with love and excitement
i was so happy
hell, i am still glowing…
i purposefully wrote this whole day like this without talking about the last few
to write this in my mood of happiness
before talking about the next bit.
When i got back into São Paulo
i had plans
to sleep well sunday night
spend the entire day monday writing
then tuesday during the day
and in the evenening, go see Fernando
then leave wednesday or thursday for Here
IlhaBela
instead
i stayed up all night every night i was there
going through porn and bears and downloading music
wasting all my time and energy
abusing myself
and then going out into the city
EVERY DAY
doing my best to abuse other people.
Monday i made a date that didn’t happen
but i was alright for that
coz i got my fix from Adriano
which was good “sex”
but who the hell needs sex?
we need love.
i tried my best.. but it was a show.
tuesday i did NOT meet up with the Crown
(he had forgotten he said we’d meet)
and had it rubbed in my face, all the things i had put aside
like meeting someone else i wanted to meet
or seeing DOGVILLE
i walked about 10 Kms, though…
Wednesday i tried seeing the movie again
but fucked it up
and went to Carlos’ house early
to exchange pics
he had taken some pictures of me last time i was in town
he is the perfect porn addict
was only turned on by me when he was watching me through the web cam or the digi-pictures he took of me being attracted to him.
Ugh
and i succumed to pleasing him by having sex with some other guy for him to take pictures of!
and it was standard sex for me
me WOWing the guy beyond belief…
me doing all the work
and feeling vaguely dissatisfied
(i will admit it, the sex i had with adriano was satisfying for what it was… i think that is why i have been attracted to TOPs more in the last year… i am tired of people that just Lay Down when i start to have sex with them.. i like people who meet me with their energy instead of just recieving mine…)
ugh, terrible day
i got back to Smurf’s
and he and Henhata had gone out to eat
and all the cashews i had been eaten had given me the runs
(just as i was approaching his house, worry not, i wasn’t walking around the whole day with shit in my pants, just the last 15 minutes)
so i jumped the fence into their apartment complex
and proped up a box
jumped onto their second floor balcony
pulled myself up
climed up over the railing, then on the diving wall
and leapt from there into the third-floor window i had left open earlier that day
and STILL didn’t sleep
i watched waking night the night before
which i still found annoying
but took it better this time
as the whole thing being an example of the progression of people’s ideas about god and reality
working up from very complex insane ideas
to the last conversation
which was very simple, clear
and a good reminder.
PHEW
anyway
i am so tired of torturing myself
and when João and i got back to the house tonight
lovely simple sandwiches of black bread and olive oil, tomato, lettuce and cheese
i found myself NOT telling him i was gay
the many times sex was brought up in our conversation.
he’s not gay.
i am not gay. but i have sex with men…
i found myself feeling ASHAMED of being gay
much like i did as a teenager
when i was in love with Trevis and Sheridan
and many other people like this
very alive, virile, unafraid to live their dreams and desires
or… terrified, but doing it anyway
all straight kids…
i didn’t want to admit that i am attracted to people who are stuck to their mother’s tit
and hang out at bars where everyone is bored and boring
and drinking to forget that
and pretend that they really are having a good time
but what they’re doing it trying to find someone who will go exchange energy with them
enough to put them back into their bodies and hearts for at least a flash while they cum
so they can feel what it feels like to be alive again
for a second.
i am so tired of city gay culture crap.
IT is what makes me want to die.
and not just the gay culture…
but so much of the city cultures in general
and maybe it’s not that
it’s just the majority culture
steeped in fear and fast food and television
imitation of life
the living dead.
Marsha (back in abadiania) told a story about Drunvalo Malchizidec …
in it, she refered to a tribe of people up in the mountains somewhere who call most of the people in bodies on this planet “the dead ones” because of how little light we give off
not to make any more comments or judgements about our life
i just felt it to be so sadly true
and being here is so ALIVE
being in the forest, the mountains, the waterfalls
the sun and the sea
eating fresh coconuts and fresh food
and just LIVING
ThiS IS LIFE!
why don’t i live in life
and why can’t i be whole here?
if i just stopped having sex for a while
stopped making it even a determining factor in where i live
i tried that at heartwood
i know it won’t work…
but all the men i feel so loved by
so attracted to
so turned on to (sexually)
they hardly even go for WALKS out in nature
and certainly not naked
and there is always their TVs and their Cocktails
and i want to bring all of these people out of the dark
and let them dance and sing and be alive and full of love
and i DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!
and if i am an emmisary of light to these people
the age-old task of trying to enlighten my father
what am i getting out of it?
i certainly am not succeeding in that task
and it is daunting
and, i think, impossible.
people can only enlighten themselves.
there is nothing i can do
but keep walking around shining
and making little laterns
and flashlights
and candles.
but they got to turn them on
open the book
connect the god damn dots.
so what does this mean?
will i live on this island forever?
No, of course not.
but i know now very clearly
what i need to bring into my life
so i don’t fucking starve to death.
today is only the first day…
(of the rest of my days)
“so lighten up, squirt”

mwa mwa
ok
write backwards…
ok
it’s monday night.
i always like monday’s to be MoonDays…
as if i were a woman
as they said in the days
on my moon
and in so many understandings
the moon is internal
over the last few years
in all my travelling
i like to give monday to myself.
i had plans, actually.
i had planned to come into Sao Paulo sunday night
sleep well
then wake early
streatch, pray
and write all day
getting it all down
all that happened
all i thougt and felt.
but plans twisted a bit
and i succumed to my usual Nafs…
spent all sunday night
til the sun rose
working myself into a frenzy over desire
the miracle of lust
what is this?
this all-encompassing desire for the passion of penetration….
yeah, we all want union
we all want unity
and though fucking always ends
and someone goes home
leaving the other alone
it is a strong attractor
like drugs
like food
like long walks in the beautiful hills
being in the body in intense ways
gets us closer to god
we are god
abstracted
then re-planted in structures made by god (oursleves, but whole)
so through ourselves we can reach god again
but to most people it is such a waste of time
yeah yeah, they know about the wizard of oz
they know it’s just them behind a curtain
so the fun part is
forgetting that
and loving the horse of a different colour…
my, i digress
i spent last night abusing myself
and furthermore
fantasizing more luscious ways to abuse myself
and enlisting others to help.
i slept about two hours this morning
another dream about something
with my dad
many things to get accomplished
and dissaproval and blame all around
just frustrating
i woke up and had to take a shit
i had eaten too many prunes and dried fruit…
i knew once i got away from the pousada
i would still be a hunter-gather
but more picky
and not eating as much here in SP
so resorting to what was shoved in my fat.
two hours of sleep
but i had made a date
to go out into this HUGE never-ending city
to meet some guy near the cathedral down town.
don’t worry, of course he didn’t show up.
that’s fine.
i walked around for a time
got to an internet cafe
and proceeded to continue…
saw m. Adriano on line
and we started chatting
dancing a little dance around himself
seeing that the last time we’d talked
he’d told me he was back with his boy friend
and they were in a closed relationship
but eventually
i just put it clear to him
i just wanted to have sex with him again
he addmitted the same
so i worked my way over there
and we spent many hours doing just that.
this time, however
i used one of my gifts from the current
and made the whole thing a prayer
a meditation
a yoga
an act of loving
a medicine
like i used to!
(laughs)
the monster in my head ridiculed me
told me i was lying..
i have noticed it the last few days
been able to hear it distinctly
it will say all sorts of shitty things
and when i recognize it’s voice
i can just tell it to shut the fuck up
instead of thinking it might be saying something important
why such fractures of being?
coz there’s love and hate. boys and girls. this tedium of duality we live in.. gotta have our playmates.
love, eventually we’ll get around to it
but sometimes respect is necessary first
who the fuck are you?
oh yeah?
well here’s who i am
get the fuck out of my way, thanks.
THanks.
i had to teach smurf how to make the TH sound tonight
it was a lot of fun
sex with adriano
lots of sex
great sex
and i recorded some of it
and prayed
and slept a bit more
and dreamt.
still, there was the ever-present sadness of life there
his boyfriend showed up
and they talked for a bit
while i was in the bathroom
just a reminder that mr A isn’t in integrity
and my choosing to fraterize constantly with people who aren’t i integrity
show’s up my own lack there of
damn humans!
(laughs)
“Please Excuse The Mess, We Are Working To Bring You A Better Dominic”
ate some nice street food on the walk back
on the walk TO adriano’s
i stopped into, what i THINK, was a capple of St Francis
very decorated
gold and curly
but very pretty
and it felt great
it was a nice gift to remind me of my duties
when i knew full well what i was getting into
i think it was just a bit of preperation for the Crown tomorrow.
Adriano was the last person i had had sex with
and almost the only person i have had sex with in Brazil
(two others, very hardly present)
and the sex was great
he hates how big he is
but i just find him absolutely adorable, physically
i love so much about his body
and we work together sexually WONDERFULLY
however, up til today, there was very little psychic/spiritual/emotinoal connection
i always think there is none unless i do the work to make it so
but is that just because
if i don’t do the work
i can’t pick up on theirs?
or that most people don’t do it consciously
and part of my retarded-genius
is having to experience life consciously
in order for it to be real?
it was satiating.
i felt so damn satiated.
i didn’t really want the guy who didn’t show up
i wanted adriano
i got him
and it was great
he wanted me too
and we had a great time
i left feeling balanced
absolved
i ate a bit
and even got a Maté-Açai-Cupuaçu shake…
full
i was full
in so many ways
i walked through the beautiful city
it rained for about a minute
spread out through about five minutes
it was blue skies…
people with paint on their faces
inducted into university
degredated and forced to beg for beer money on the streets
the night was comming
and the shops were closing
but all the street vendors were comming out
i had never been in this part of town
i didn’t know about this
it reminded me of Bejing..
Got Back Nicely
and talked with Smurf
one thing led to another
and i told him about
meeting gregory at the Casa…
now, when i met gregory
i was pretty sure i was familiar with him in some way
and yeah, he is kinda a famous guy
famous in the areas of Chaos theory, written a few books
and invented the VeggieBurger
well well
Smurf says
“yes, i know him, he is in a movie i have”
so he shows me this movie…
it’s about trance culture…
Alex Gray, Spruhngle, all sorts of sadus and burning man and stonehenge and Nikki, a woman Kwai and I Interviewed once…
small world
and there was gregory
on camera
dancing in a field
and talking about all sorts of stuff
full circle.
i have a lot to write
but now i am pretty tired
so this will probably be IT for now…
still, sorry i have been so truant
but i am sure this will happen often:
i am usually quite busy living…
love ya

so
i want you all to go here
http://www.1stbooks.com/
and type in the name
“Josie Ravenwing”
in the author field
hit enter
and BUY THE BOOK
her home page is here
http://www.healingjourneys.net/
check it out

Hello Everyone
Mother and I at the internet café now, wanting to send a little note…
mother here:
Dear Larry, Louis and Kari:
it is incredible here.
we are having such a wonderful time
miracles happen every day
wish you were all here
love and blessings
me
(mother)
Ok, now i will write a little story of today.
i wrote a story of yesterday
but on a computer that locked up before i got to send it
so you don’t get to read it
sorry, maybe later
my favourite part, though
was while mother and i were in the taxi on the long ride back from Brasilia
i fell asleep with my head in her lap
(grin)
after we got back
we had some green coconuts
COCO VERDE
with the most meat and juice in a coconut i have ever seen!
the both of us!
we shared Maté with Arthur
and dug into our cocos…
then i went out to write on the computer
and mom took a nap
the computer locked up, as i said
but at least i found a place i could charge my camera and connect to the computer so i could send you all pictures…
when the computers are working…
but until then…
i left the computer place/pizzaria
and came to dinner at the Pousada
just in time to leave
and head to the Dance…
Josie has been working with a group of native Brazilian Indiana
the Fulni-ô
they are a healer tribe
use the powers of nature to aid in the healing of any tribe
(even europeans…)
however, their native lands have been deforested
and they have been pushed off the land by the European decendants…
so they are all dying…
you know how us white folk treat the indigenous people of the lands we steal…
anyway
some of them have set up shop here to see if they can make some money selling their crafts in this incredibly healing environment
… they also do dances every weekend
however
becuase they love Josie so much
they decided to do some special dances last night that they have never performed before
(josie actually lived on a Navajo reservation for five years… she’s very well-in with indigenous peoples)
so we went
it was amazing
un-sayable
and then the chief stayed to do blessings on all that wished it…
i gave his wife a 1-dollar coin with Sakajuwea on it…
for her little princess daughter…
today was the day of cleansing
we all went to the waterfall
and i did all my laundry…
mother went before me
because the women and men go down seperately
she hiked down with most of the other women
the drizzling rain quit just before they left
and she saw the Mother Mare and Foal i had seen two days previous
which of course she loved…
though she cannot put these things into words
just in awe…
in awe of all the beauty…
as they left the waterfall
the sky cleared
and the sun blazed through
they walked back in the heat of the sun
which got them all dry and warm…
then she took a nice nap
i, however, had taken a nap before she even left to go down
and was woken in a start by Arthur yelling
“DOMINIC, we’re going to the waterfall!”
i stumbled out of the room
and into the taxi (i don’t really know why we took a taxi, but we did)
and arrived at the waterfall still dreaming…
we met mother and the other ladies just as they were leaving..
it was beautiful as always
and maybe even more so
because there has been so much rain in the past few days
the flow was so much more intense
still, it was not cold to me
just very powerful
at this point i have become familiar with it
so i got further into the consciouness of being there
as before
i let it wash me thoroughly
but on the suggestion of Josie
after i felt myself washed
i let it fill me up with energy and love
this was amazing
this felt all sivery
this got me screaming and ohming and helling and dancing about..
and there were such beautiful clown plants!
as i waited for Rich to finish his douse
i noticed these big green Heart-shaped leaves
with pink and white spots on them…
and a butterfly flew by
fluttering
it looked like a yellow bar with two big red balls on the end
when it landed and closed it’s wings
just a small yellow V
it blended in with the trees..
so beautiful
and made my day…
when i got back
mom was napping
there is so much energy here
it is moving us and washing us and changing us
SO much movement we cannot keep up
we’re often tired…
but i woke her up to go get some Acai (a-ss-i-ee)
and we met up with Nestor
the only other Openly gay guy i have met here
he’s columbian
but lives in portland oregon now
he loved the fact that we could talk about sex and drugs and all of our feelings in front of mom and she wouldn’t freak out
we took him to dinner with us at the Pousada
and HE fell in love with Josie as well
and told me all the guys he’s been in love with here
we got to talk shop…
and then we all went out to get the world’s best coconut cake
all agreed…
and we sat for over an hour telling all our favourite animal stories
all of our chickens
me and eggburt, and my mother in there
Nestor’s pet hen
who he came home to eat for dinner one night as his dad’s form of a pracical joke
how come insecure men find hurting people so funny?
went to go on line with mom…
and yet the computers there, at the other cafe, were still not working
so i am not able to post pictures yet…
SOMETIME
when the time is right…
i am back at the one across from our Pousada
more expensive
but it works for now…
mom is back at the pousada
and i am finishing up for the evening…
counting my blessings
and making plans…
we’ll see how it all works out…

so, today was quieter
no plans
so i just slept in
it felt like i slept forever
from about 11pm to… about 8am
but it just felt so LONG
and i woke up very groggy
mom already at breakfast
i was so tired.
i arrived after most everybody had eaten
but it was story time
and many people sat around telling stories…
Marsha is a Medium, she lives in Orange County
she recounted many tales of Ghost Busting
(this actually happened)
she knows how to tell tales and leave people hanging
build the suspense
and then give a dramatic finish.
Josie told stories about her time living on the Navajo reservation
she has three books out
you can research them on line
author “Josie Ravenwing”
she told stories of songs and vision questing and the strange circumstance that led her there.
it is amazing to me that live will do EVERYTHING for you
if you ask
then listen
sometimes i forget…
and i was’t able to concentrate much today…
i after a simple breakfast of fruit
i collapsed back in the room
and though we were meant to meet up with some of Josie’s friends
some Indians from the Funlio tribe
mother suggested i rest
and i had to agree
coz not only was i tired as hell
but just then the rain started pouring down
so i started a meditation
energy pulsing and buzzing through me
i drifted out for about two hours to let my body and soul be worked on…
when i woke
my lust was back up
and i was surprised by this
part of the requirements for people who get surgeries
is that one must be abstinant for 40 days after the operation.
but i am the only person in the group who hasn’t got a surgery
so i worked myself up over fantasies and past occurances
not only because i have been waking up every moring with a hardon every day since i have been here
but i figured i would rather use it as a focused healing energy
than a wet dream
see, i feel i still have a bit of the ghonnorea
which is fine, i am not having sex
but i certainly don’t want any infections raging in me
and i am eating lots of fruit
sugar to fuel it…
drank some Malva tea again today
and spent some energy on that healing
then took a shower
and just after
mother arrived back
(yeah, i had a brief instant of wondering if i would be caught… kinda funny)
we went out for a walk
to visit the other Massage therapist in town
well, there are millions
but the Entity asks that no one who comes there does healing work of any kind
but those he permits
and he’s only permitted two in town
Sophia, who mother made an appointment with yesterday (for next wednesday evening)
who is only 20 and has mostly worked on children
her touch is very gental
and Charon
who has a huge estate,café/house thing
he is full of Pita
dark eyes and hair
firey energy
some say getting a massage from him is like being beaten with bats
and he makes you be naked with no sheet!
it sounds like his massage is similar to mine
but perhaps not as loving and carressing
but i don’t know
however, i felt it was what i needed
so we went to his place
and made an appointment for me
it was so beautiful..
and very Upper-Class
you can tell he’s spent some time in northern california
i am looking forward to the session
monday..
then we walked back to the pousada
where i left mother
and went off to the waterfall again
today there was no one
so i just took off my clothes and bathed naked
( i asked the spirits there if it was OK first… and they said YUP )
much better naked
much better alone
i sang and prayed
and focused
and felt SO much better
as i was leaving
the boy who gave me the prayer i was curious about
appeared
he, with his medium-length long hair
and his friend with the long long hair
odd, how there are so many people here
but we keep running into the same ones
but i wasn’t interested in staying around
i walked back up
and talked with a Mare and her Foal for a while
ahhh
got back to the Pousada and had a wonderful dinner of the brazilian version of Tamales, called Pamonha (pronouced “pah-mon-yha”)
and pizza
many varieties
with eggs and olives…
and bannanas, sugar and cinnamon
i am SO thankful that i get to be in one place for a while
and do very little else but heal, rest and EAT
i want to get a bit FAT
so that my next leg of travelling does’t require me to eat things i don’t want to…
anyway
the indians today were interesting
i am sad i missed them
everyone in the group bought head-dresses
of exotic feathers
all costing at least 100us$
some more
and that tribe is a specific healing tribe
so one of the men did healing on everyone
mom said she was shaking and sweating and crying…
said it was amazing…
and one of our ladies
wears a Third-eye Tiara all the time
made of copper, silver and gold
with an amythist crystal over the third eye
she’s been wearing it 10 years
says she wears it because Jesus told her to
and she has to, she loves him so much…
the indian told her she was his sister
and gave her a huge extra special head dress…
mom.. has issues with her
tries to avoid her as much as possible
… kinda an energy vampire…
mom said “he thinks you’re pretty special”
and the woman replied “well, i am Mother Mary…”
yes…
tonight they were going to do a special dance/ritual for us
but not if it rained…
well, after dinner the rain was falling hard
so i decided to go out on a walk and find them on my own
seeing that they wouldn’t be dancing
their shop might be open
i could see it myself, on my own…
feeling my same family-time-teen-age-desire-for-isolation
i went out walking…
and i thought i knew where it was
but never found it…
however, i was surprised and gladden’d to see
that only a block away from our pousada
brazil came back…
this whole time here i have been enjoying it
but it hasn’t felt like i have been brazil
compared to what i had experienced earlier
so many white people and new age stuff…
but here was the little bars and dirty streets and crumbling walls and exhaust fumes…
beautiful
a couple of interactions i could not communicate
but it made me happy
and then i found this cheaper and more individual internet place
in a pizza parlour
where i must now bid Adieu
as i am heading home to sleep
ta ra…

Um
so
yesterday
the morning session i was in the 3rd current room again
it was quite fluky, but i got in there, last seat
they usually reserve these for strong mediums who deal with the rush of energy
me, however, i just got bowled over and knocked out most of the time
i was groggy as hell the next part of the day…
mom was still out of it
her surgery had kicked her around a lot
she was sleeping all the time and in a lot of pain
now
the surgeries are wierd
i still haven’t got one… but i have seen one…
most people just sit in the opperating room / 3rd current
and, at the beginning of the given session, all of the spirits of the house
focus on them
and cut things out of them
remove things
replace things
re-arrange things
actually stitch things
re-wire things
it’s believable only through faith, honestly
i will tell my tale of it in a moment
i dragged myself back to the Casa after lunch because i couldn’t bare to miss a chance in the current
and sat in the 1st current room this time
there was a lot of talking
but i was pretty in the flow
and it was like doing a really intense reiki session
or yoga
or qi-gung
but just amplified a million
that is
it was very easy to stay in the flow
because it was the medium… more than air
i was submersed in it
so all i had to do was direct my energy and it would go
everyone i ever touched
i went to
and sent love and healing
a few of you
i would climb into your body
and hug you
feel your legs and face and belly
neck and shoulders…
pump you with energy
i would distribute gifts
travel from place to place and actually FEEL my friends
it was beautiful
also
i was focusing and sending energy around the Casa
to the surgeries
to João
to other people in the room who needed it
and, alternatively
i would fall back and let myself be washed
the song from “the cook, the thief, his whife & her lover” about
“wash me, wash me, and i will be whiter than snow”
forgive me, but i just found the lyrics to it
and must re-print them here
because they are running through my brain
it is from Psalms 51
(i know i know… i am not one you would think to quote scriptures)
it is mainly the first two stanzas the song is based on, but i am including the whole chapter
A Prayer for Cleansing
51Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. 5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. 6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. 9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. 13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. 16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. 18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
ok, if you don’t know the song, it is on the soundtrack for the film…
anyway
i felt very energiezed after that session
and met up with Martin and Elizabeth
these two beautiful people
(blubber)
that i met here
Martin, i have told this story already
but we meet every day
we obviously have some karma
he is 23
and has been here for 8 weeks after comming with his mother
is this a warning or a suggestion?
Elizabeth is a beautiful girl from Quebec City
i like her a lot
and have suggested her a few places of travel.
she is.. 20?
they invited me to the Waterfall..
there is a sacred waterfall
but you can only go if you have been told to go by the Entity
or if someone else who has been told to go invites you
so they had, and they invited me
it was the first really hot sunny day
i was barefoot after my first current experience
so i suggested i go get my sandles to walk the long rocky road
i went and fetched them
came back and met them at the Casa (about 10 mintues)
and then was told i must get a suit, no nudity is allowed now
(as orgies had been happening… now the sexes are segregated and no nudity permitted)
so back to the pousada, back to the casa (10 minutes)
then we walked the road
got down there
and there was a group of over 30 women there
all waiting
we waited
we talked
we told stories
and the sun dissapared
and there were still many people
so we gave it a miss
this morning
Josie suggested i see the Entity again
… to see if i should have a Surgery
as only two people in our 10 person group haven’t had a surgery
so she and i went to see the entity again…
this time i had tried to prepare questions..
or requests…
i wanted to know if i needed a teacher… or a discipline
and could i be gifted with one i could trust and respect?
i wanted something to take back to the communities i work in
to show them that what they think is un-healable can be healed
and i wanted him to show me how i could get back to that state he put me in…
i wanted to no longer fear love
i wanted to be able to help others with that same thing
(as i know so many people terrified of love)
i decided this was the most important thing
so when i got up in front of the Entity
well, almost
two people in front of me there was a woman
that the entity decided to operate on
right there
physical.
he sat her down i a chair and held out his hand
and assistant brought a tray full of scapels, hemostats… and kitchen knives.
he picked up one
put it back
and chose another
you know, the kind you’d cut your stake with…
he touched the woman’s eye…
josie and i and many other focused energy on the João and the woman…
he touched it again
he picked up her left hand and covered her left eye with it
he touched her right eye again
then pulled it open with his fingers
and started scraping it with the knife
started digging in under the eyelid
then whiped the blade off on her shirt
and pushed her to the attendants that wheeled her out.
now, apparently, this kind of surgery isn’t even necessarily for the eye…
he does lots of things like this… or used to
like sticking those 7″ long hemostats up someone’s nose
all the way
as if to burst through the top of their skull
but it doesn’t
apparently it transmutes into energy when it enters the body
people don’t even usually bleed
even when he cuts them open and removes things from them…
and it doesn’t really matter where he does the physical work
because there are a million hands doing work everywhere…
so anyway
i walked up in front of him
he grabbed my hand
and
..hmmm
fairy dust exploded in my head?
i cannot describe
like a fountain of fire that feels really good pouring up through my crown…
i liked it.
we got to read my first request, about not being aftraid of love
and he sent me to the waterfall.
josie wouldn’t let me go alone
so i walked with another man who didn’t speak english
barefoot
the long rocky road
it was beautiful
no one down there
still morning
due on the leaves of the small plants
i took the paper out of my pockets
and in full white clothes
doused myself for 15 minutes
washed myself
clean.
then i lay down in a pull further down the river from there
lay there and let the water pour over me, under me, all around
10 minutes or so
til i was shivering..
with cold or energy…
i got up
and was covered in leaches…
they only stayed on a minute or two
then all fell off
i wasn’t worried at all.
we said the Lord’s prayer
and walked back up.
then did the current again tonight
with mom
she asked to wear the Tau that Leo gave me
that is, st. Francis’s cross
she forgot his prayer
so, because everything here is connected
we started by saying his prayer
(grin)
like after my first current session
i thought >>what time is it?<< and someone reached in front of me to get water with a watch on their arm fully visible to me
like when i wondered where that one prayer came from
a man came up to me and started talking
and telling me about that prayer
and gave me a copy
because god knows everything
if you let him.
mom is much better
we are all much better
but i don't know how long i will be here
what i am to accomplish
what i need to do
i just want to be whole.
time is up
got to go

So, Mother got her surgery
it was an exceptionally long one
as far as i can tell
over half an hour
the energy was buzzing when i arrived
( i was writing while it was happening )
the lines still hadn’t started moving…
that is, there is a 1st time, 2nd time and a Come back later line (which i was in)
but before all of those
we do the surgeries…
six people from our group got surgeries…
i was sitting eating a coconut with Martin
when Josie came running out to find me
“they’re doing the 2:00 line first, come on!”
— they usually do them last… i went to check, it looked like they were doing them last
but obviously the Entity wanted me to have some time in my treatment
(egoist that i am)
the “come back and see me later” line is a seperate line that is usually refered to as the 8o’clock or 2o’clock line
depending on what time it is you have to come back to see him
becuase João doesn’t do the work, he just “incorporates” entities
so
when i went to see him
the Entity in him was very grandfatherly..
sweet, kind, held out his hand for me hold
told me to come back and see him later
but i had to sit in the current first
i was overwhelmed
i have only felt things like this on acid…
i got to be in god-head
that is, understand everything, do anything…
and i did.
however, i am NOT an omnipotent being
so it was really hard for me to focus on eternity all in one go
i like to broaden my perspective like that..
once i got myself open
i cleared myself out
and realized how fucked up i had been for a while
as i said
and i won’t try to tell the whole story
but i want to tell this one:
i programed every plant on the planet to tune anyone that consumed them into this energy
(grin)
so back to the (in the story) present:
Josie and i start moving through line, i bring my self down out of the high i was in
ground myself
get myself focused (as focused as i could be)
this time
the Entity incorporated in João was very business-like
had stuff he had to do
was rushing people through
Josie asked me if i had anything specific to say
and i scanned myself quickly…
there is either too much to ask for
or nothing at all
so i just said “no”
and we stood in front of him
he barely looked at me
just scribbled my prescription on paper and sent me to sit in the 3rd current room again
(he doesn’t often do this)
this time it was different
it explained to me some more things
and i remembered the part in “Donnie Darko”
when Donnie is talking to his Physics teacher
trying to figure out time travel
and being everywhere at once
the teacher is baiting him
and donnie says “so you could, theoretically, foresee the future if you are in God’s channel”
in
god’s
channel
i started laughing my ass off
kinda like he does in the movie
at the end
i laughed for a half hour
then i started working to complete some of the stuff i wanted …
i mean
eventhough i was operating out of time
and with unlimited energy and power
i had to FOCUS to get anything done
and.. well, really
that IS my weak point…
i can’t even explain it…
but when it over (more laughing later)
i got up and …
went back to the Pousada to check on Mum…
she was fine, as far as she could tell..
we had dinner
and then retired to the room
i was so excited
but once i lay down again
i felt the work being done on me
and how tired i was…
i was still reading “One Hundred Years of Solitude” and decided to read out loud to Mother…
the chapter was all about the war
but ended with the city being covered by the sky raining down small yellow flowers..
mom loved it…
and i let her rest
switched to Josie’s book
and felt things moving around the room working on mom
so flipped my back to her to give them privacy
and read for a while
til i felt them telling me to go to sleep
i shut off the light
and lay on my back
and for the first time in at least 3 years
i slept on my back without having to turn over…
but i woke startlingly at 5am from a dream of being with my friend Martin in Switzerland.
i met Martin the same place i met Chad
the Italian Rainbow gathering
he instantly reminded me of Louis
he’s thin
but otherwise almost identical
if you can imagine that…
he was wearing a Jack-Kerouac-Flat-Cap
and just full of life and adventure
we became instant friends
and Eli and i stayed at his house in Bern when Eli visited…
but in the dream
i don’t remember where we were
i or what we were doing…
but i woke with a shocked
i looked at the clock
and thought
>>>ugh, i don’t want to be awake now<<
and then heard the rumi poem
" the breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you
don't go back to sleep
you must ask for what you really want
don't go back to sleep
there are people walking back and forth over the threshold
where the two worlds touch
the door is wide and open
don't go back to sleep "
but i rolled over again
then again
then again
on my back again
i felt someone grab my foot
and looked up again
OK OK OK
i sat up and started brushing my hair
and then got into the shower
and, for the first time, got hot water
and washed my hair for 20 minutes
PHEW
good way to start the day
mom was all groggy, no chance of her going to sit in the current
but i showed her the sunrise
and then ran off to the Casa
danced around a bit
did some yoga
and claimed a seat in the first current room before there were hardly anyone else in there
but in the next 20 minutes
the place got packed
they have been having to lock it lately
because of create-comfort-upgrades
and the fact that there are just more and more people comming here
and they need to keep extra seats in case the Entity prescribes someone to go sit in there..
so i started my meditation already
and i hear the portugese facilitator say
"there is a , ummm, mother and child… and an older woman… and they need a place to sit… would someone give up their seat?"
i opened my eyes an no one moved.
no one moved.
when i was in school
it pissed me off when the teacher would ask a question and the class froze
so i would raise my hand after the count of 5 if no one else had
even if i had no idea
it was better to make a guess than sit in stupid silence
this time i was quicker than 5
i jumped up and offered my seat to the old woman
nobody moved
the mother and child sat on the floor in the corner..
so i am on the floor
my shirt is wet because i had washed it last night and the humidity just keeps things from drying here…
i the floor is ceramic tile
and after a while
i was just too cold
damp
and the lower energies
were making me sick
so i got up and left the room
and then was furious with rage
… at so many things..
make a longer story short
because so many things have just been happening here in the i-cafe i am writing in
and they are closing
and i need to get out of here
…
i will tell you latter
don't want to make these ladies wait…
and i have to formulate what i want to ask João tomorrow
because… i think i know now.
blessings
(you are all in my prayers)
…d

i am in brazil
but looking through my friend’s posts
i feel like i must do this
does this make me feel good about myself?
i am Azazel, i will devour the whole world
in time…

create your own visited states map

i am keeping the nucular family up to date with my mother’s and mine adventures
this is the first email i sent them
just now
it’s for you too:
So
today was the first time we saw João de Deus
honestly
i’ve just thought the whole thing was a fuckin racket
i’ve been keeping it to myself
only slightly expressing it to mom
coz i don’t want to burst her bubble, ya know
she’s so excited about everything
but there were a bunch ov americans here when we first arrived
all singing “michael row your boat ashore” and “kumbayah”
i’m serious!
so last night i chose to skip the shit
and go for a walk
because it, momentarily, stopped raining
mom came with me
we walked through the hills
ohmygod
it’s so beautiful
the red land
the termite hills
all the wild flowers
and the variations on daturas and mushrooms
this place is crazy
walking on beds of calcite
and dirt that looke like fine red/purple hair…
it’s really amazing
because it is the rainy season
everything is alive
lush
green
so gorgeous
and even up here in the wilds of brazil
we had two feral dogs walking along with us
jumping on us
playing with us
mom was amazed that she travelled this far and still didn’t get a rest from dogs..
we had a great time
and then went down to the Casa to see if we could catch the end of the America Show
it ends with blessings
and we made it just in time
when the priest blessed mom
he whiped her chest and told her she would breath easier
( i had been pushing her up and down the hills
she had to stop a lot to catch her breath… but by the time we got to the church her breathing had normalized: psychic/god/healing? )
last night we went to Anapolis to see a medium-painter
he channels spirits for each individual who asks for a painting
and, basically, paints a picture of a flower
he does it all with only his hands
and in about a minute
it was intense
in about an hour he painted 35 paintings
the ones for mother’s friend Kathy was most spectacular
and Kari’s was beautiful as well..
well, they all were
we were very chuffed
then ate fresh guavas off a tree
mom and i haven’t been sleeping well
we stay up late talking
like louis and i used to in the bunk beds
in the silence and darkness
one of us will say something
which will lead to a conversation
and then an hour later
we’re saying “goodnight” again
… til we speak, again.
so mom woke up this morning at 6 to prepare for her
Crystal Light Bath
(shakes head…)
i got one too…
some wierd machine with 7 chrystals suspented on rods shooting coloured light into the body
yeah, i could feel it, so could mom… but so hokey..
i mean, it feels like this place is the 70’s all over again…
so we’re all dressed in white
the casa is crammed with people
80% european/american WHITEs
they are all talking and moving about
i am getting really pissed off
i have been angry most of the time i’ve been here, actually
the casa is a Jesuit chappel
and i just don’t get into Ignacious that much
but
there we are
there is a video playing of João’s miracle operations
and i am getting more and more angry
they all look so FAKE
how can people buy this shit?
but
here they are
300 people +
crammed into this little church thing
and saying Our Father and Hail Mary in whatever languages they speak
and we’re standing in line holding little tickets
and i am fuming
we are all seperate in line so that Josie can translate what João says to us
which is good, coz i can’t stand near mom without us talking all the time…
the more angry i get
the more sad i get
coz i lack faith
and i want to be healed
i guess
there are people in wheelchairs
blind people
deformed people
but the majority of people are spiritual tourist
and i wish it were focused
they people who work there have to keep comming out and trying to focus the crowd to get them to shut up and pray
all the chatter
people making stupid comments
i close my eyes and start praying.
i pray for all ov you
and i mean my family
but i also mean my whole family:
everyone i have ever touched
all my lovers
all the people who i can’t talk to anymore
my dead friends
the whole world
it works
there is SO much energy here
if i close my eyes and get into prayer/meditation
it pulls me right along
but all the NOISE….
if i open my eyes i get angry all over again
but this time i glance at the TV monitor
and see João doing an opperation on some guy’s eye
and there is NO way that could be fake
that’s crazy
i shut up and close my eyes again and pray
and our line is moving now
i have been staning here for two hours
and i am in the first current room
and i am up above the earth
moving out in all directions
oh-o-o
(grin)
i was right there with it and i was
i walk up to João
and he extends his hand
i take it
and he says something to Josie
and sends me on
she says
“the entity needs you to come back this afternoon to see another entity, right now he wants you to go sit in the current”
so i did
and everything melted
and everything opened
and everything cleared and healed
oh, it is real
i forgot
and all the things i have been holding on to and forgeting and confusing
pass out
clear through
and i am everywhere
and i am everything
and
yeah
finally
i feel like i’m back
(laughs)
where the hell have i been?
it seems like only moments
but it was nearly an hour
and the session finishes for the day
everyone is floating on clouds
and i meet mom outside
she needs to a surgery this afternoon
she’s scared
i can’t talk yet
i do yoga
and it’s a beautiful day
then the rain came
and we had our Açai pudding and juice and yogurt
and met a beautiful guy from NYC painting amazing pictures
and everyone is amazing
and i am kissing them on the head
and i’ve got a while to wait til the right entity will see me
i didn’t have time to write last night
but i do now
.. so i thought i’d let you know what’s going on
(wink)
i’ll tell you when i know
…dominic

Ok,
so it’s an american jesuit evangelical vampyre cult.
no…
but, oh golly.
i walked up to the Casa de Dom Ignacio
and felt the energy pulling me
whipped me past the door
i started buzzing everywhere
started giggling
got all excited
but when i walked inside
there were mostly americans
singing “praise god” to the tune of “amazing grace”
and i thought >> mmm, when will michael start rowing his boat a-shore?”
it wasn’t too long, i assure you.
but there was a time when i was ok with all of this
when i knew that whatever way it took for people to express their relationship with god was OK
whatever they needed to do to feel holy, OK
and i don’t think this is all about that, what i saw just now
João wasn’t there, some guy named Ron Roth …
americans. lots of them.
white
Clean
Christians
clean…
i know about wanting to be clean
and was scared
feeling all the energy racing through me
are they trying to suck my life out?
in spiritual stuff as well as sex
i get nervous about losing all my energy
when i get scared
i get very limited
and when i am limited
i am small
i am a small one,
sometimes…
but it did feel good.
as i all “spiritual” situtations i walk into
i was paid much attention to
got a place to sit right up front, was beckoned,
was sent to be blessed first
but then they let the wheel-chairs and children go a-head of me
i’m not worried
and i looked at all the people
in whatever way feeling they needed something so strongly
the man on stage talking about ho he wasn’t neccessary
but doing the religeous double talk
which tries to empower people
but is still trying to keep them stuck to the tit
ahhh…
i looked at all the people
in pain and suffering
or in need of something
and
as i always do when i see these people
i blessed them
i am not really jesus, i swear
nor am i an angel, just…
but everyone needs love
god knows i do
so Josie said not to do any healing
just let myself be healed
and this is an art, being passive
some of you know of my endevours
so i will rest
i will practice Not Doing
and let myself recieve…
Yesterday was nice
i woke in the middle of the day
the house was filled with the remnants of last night’s party
and mom…
they layed around all day watching TV and talking
i told them i envied that
just doing nothing
… but with friends!
a long time …
so i went out
down town
filled with the preayta (hungry ghost) of lust
and just not getting any
the city was a full on party
i walked out of the train into the toilets to take a piss
and realized everyone in there was cruising…
tea-room style
third-world style
ugh
i left and went to see the cathedral…
simple in the same way
looked like it was mostly made of cinderblocks
but the moasics were beautiful, took some photos i hope i can send to Leo to add to his appreciation…
and went out to walk around the city
nothing called me
nothing was pulling my interest
i just wandered
hungry
but nothing made me want to eat it
all the way to Republica square again
looking for sex
but it was filled with markets
and a little cruising…
i bought some aquamarine and some local delicasies to fill my belly
then onward to the party at Anhagabau
they had blocked off the main highway in the centre of town
filled with people drinking and dancing
and all seemed to be waiting… for something
i cruised around
yes,and
just to see all the people
and the city
from walking in SUCH a car-only space…
i only talked to one person the whole day
the husband of the Crown i had been lusting after
we had our customary “chaser” relationship
of talking about sexy beefy men we saw
i felt so tired of myself
i danced along the semi trucks filled with people from each neighbourhood (Barra) celebrating their city
they gave me the “Bom!” (good~)
i walked a few Ks
then it started to rain
i took of my shirt and allowed myself to get drenched
while everyone was running for cover
i was dancing in it
and reveling…
getting a bit of attention
i was so tired of all this
didn’t need it
just going home to sleep…
so i went back
wrote for a bit
but never got around to this…
i went to sleep
and had a dream i went to visit Danny J Kemp
he lived in a large mansion in a dangerous area of town
and after i’d been staying there for a few days
we came home once and found someone had broke in
we walked around tentatively
and then the man jumped out at me
and i knocked him unconscious…
his soul went into my camera/HD
danny and i kept him up all night while we slept
little ways to torture the bugger…
and then D and i went on a cruise
and stowed the body of the theif in the cargo bay
the HD up in our cabin, keeping both seperate to torture the man more
then, like in a movie, the body was soliliquied and showed turning into a large lizard
then a woman with blond hair
who went around eating people’s lives
i was terrified
and woke up startled
couldn’t sleep again.
this morning was annoying
i have got to the point where i am frustrated with brazil
not only am i having a language problem here
but i just feel like everything is stupid
half-assed
un-refined
like america
but un-better
and who needs that?
the cities, dommi, the citties
my mind is a judgemental monster
i want my head cut off and the head of something noble-r put on…
eventually i got to the airport to meet my mother
and we are together now
i am shocked to know i will be with her for two weeks
and in this setting
such intense
>> i will HEAL, i will be CLEAN, oH GOD HELP ME!<<
yeah, we all know i need it
we need it
i want to be whole
"the prayer is always for wholeness"
she and i have the same sexual problems..
mine takes about two weeks to develope
she's had hers for years with my dad
we begin to loathe our lovers
don't want them to touch us
can't bear to have sex with them
love turns to hate…
and i just discovered that i did give another friend ghonnorea
i say "friend"
but i don't know if i mean it
i say
i don't love anyone right now
don't feel a thing
not even faking it well right now
and this is unacceptable
i want to love
i want to really care
and to know this apathy
this dis-passion
is hurting people that i (cooly) Respect
is
unacceptable
perhaps i will have to be abstinate for a while
it's about fucking time
i am sorry for all those i have used and abused
gotta whip this boy into shape
or let him die
and be re-born
(in the year 3003, i'll be back to save the world)