Philadelphia…
it is Big
why do i keep thinking it’s a city in miniature?
i walked…
i had One client in the city
i went there specifically to…
well…
up near the museum
but further away
what’s a castle doing here?
everything seems so particular
look: brick sidewalks
for ten feet…
History.
What amazing buildings…
i feel like i’m in a stage set…
a museum
who needs to go into the museums here?
oh: look at that Ball-Shaped man reading a plaque
where is he from?
— there’s his wife
kids?
Chille…
flags…
international city
there’s a Toy City Hall in the centre of it all
walk
i don’t understand directions here..
but i’m figuring it out
on such a beautiful day
in such an in teresting toy city
i move through it
wind in my hair
strutting down the street
eventually
i catch a bus
coz this kid tells me i should:
we’re doing a massage exchange
he’s great
he asks me if i’ve been to Heartwood..
(laughs)
i give him my massage
condenced into an hour
-that’s all the time we’ve got: he says
he looks totally blown out when i’m done with him
i’m all uppity, happy
full of myself-
when i do massage trades
i’m ususally rather non-plussed with the other’s style
(ahh, i miss bigredpaul)
this kid jabs into my neck
tells me to start breathing
and takes me for a ride
Brilliant!
he went an hour and a half on me
coaching me
interracting with me
pushing me
blasting through me:
Excellent
but now he’s late
we exchange info
and i leave
blissed out
floating around:
where am i?
i call a guy who.. i THINK, lives down there…
Ah, he does
he invites me over for a cuddle
but it turns big-tyme sexual: he’s a sweetie
we cuddle and order pizza
watch some StarGate SG-1
whatever
in the midst of that
my phone rings
and it’s the is faery kid i know saying “i’m standing outside your door”
his boy friend emailed me
about two weeks ago
asking if he could stay with me…
i told him “Sure: just let me know ahead of time”
EEESH!
so i rush out the door
jump in a cab
and head for the place i was staying up-town
say good bye to my gracious hosts
(they have a dinner guest)
and take the lift back down to the waiting taxi cab
for him to deliver me to the chinese bus…
and although i make it with only a minute to spare to make the 9pm bus…
there IS no 9pm bus.
it’s hourly all day
then goes from 8 to 8:30 to 10:30
WHAT?
even the grey hound doesn’t have another bus back to NYC til midnight.
Ok.
[breathe]
i have some phone conversations.
i play tetris on my mobile phone
(i just found it for free on the net!)
i get on the bus
and i’m reading Rikki Ducornet’s “Butcher’s Tales”
and though i had been enjoying the fantasies…
three stories in a row were like goth-girl’s terror poetry
— just trying to be as sick and mean and terrible about everything as possible
ok
i closed the book..
and drifted off…
the bus picked up motley pack of chinese in front of the bob-evan’s somewhere in New Jersey…
then we were in saten island
then 8th ave and 62nd st
in brooklyn
this black guy is talking really loud on the phone about his friend who got shot
and how his generation was the last decent people born on this planet
then he starts bitching to his girlfriend… i imagine
about how he has to make his ride
and the bus driver is late
then he starts making a scene
and is shouting
talking loudly
not in sentances
or to anyone
but like blaring a ghetto blaster
or subwoofer in the back of yr audi
he wants everyone to hear
bitching bitching bitching moaning
i was about ready to turn around and slap him
then i remembered the blessings of headphone:
i put on “Cause=Time” by Broken Social Scene
“and you all need to be the cause…”
“cuz you just want to fuck the cause…”
it lasts til where they drop me off in china town
and i turn a corner and my senses guide me Home…
i am so happy to be back in NYC
the buildings are all the right size here: big
dark
dirty
the city surrounds me
guides me along with it’s callused hands
chipped nails
lovingly…
the Fae kid is waiting inside the door of the apartment when i get there
and i get a surprise call from a friend of mine from TN (who’s moved to GA now…)
and we go up stairs, A and I
and we shower
and he’d stayed here once, three years ago
— it’s a small world.
he has to be up at 7 am
to catch a bus by 8:40
of course
it’s 8:13 or whatever when he leaves
i’m rushing him out the house like a frantic mother
“GO! You’ll MISS YOUR BUSS!”
then i fall back
and luxuriate in the empty house:
i don’t have to do anything today
fine.
i won’t.
(well, dear readers, i did actually spend over an hour on the phone sorting out banking and cell phones, but you can blink over that…)

Oh Come Let US Adore Him…
(x2)
[ if i don’t write it down
but think of writing it down
all the beautiful composition of it
unravels in my head… ]
Sitting at the table
on chairs
nearly two hundred years old
eating simple
spaghetti
with oil and garlic.
Everything in the house should be in a museum
how old is that?
where is that from?
i let my hands graze them…
the pottery
the little statues
oh look!
there’s a pre-columbian jade figurine from mexico!
(i don’t want to put my mobile phone next to it: don’t want to fuck up it’s vibes)
everything in the house kinda gets me high
just touching it-
the historty
the life.
it’s almost as good as being in Europe
where every building is 500 years old
no…
The living ones here move slow
like the Burmen cats
who loll about
and sleep all day
S sits in his chair
nods off
watches TV
nods off
volume up all the way
nodding off
have a conversation with J?
have to shout
what did you say?
how old is that?
i lift the little stool with filigreed wood patterns under the marble top
there’s a click…
the conversations are like clouds
bilious
they float around without going anywhere
what’s the answer to that question?
let’s just talk about it…
They love eachother, though
been together 35 years
he helps him across the room
soothes his eyes with ointments and drops
listens…
at the dinner table
on 200 year old chairs
they scuttle fingers across the wooden surface
(how old?)
to catch eachother’s hands
like someone
in
love
Can i touch this?
precious
should be in a museum…
how did it survive this long?
i’m slightly envious
slightly covetous
but what can i do?
i’m not a libra nor a taurus
how could i possess such beauty and stability?
such patience?
i can hardly tolerate walking so slow to keep up with them
down the city-block long hall way…
through the conversations
“we keep a million books around the house so we can look up the answer to any topic that comes our way…”
‘ my generation has the internet for that ‘
” well yes: but we like to own things; have them at hand ”
“yes, like this: do you know why Marshmallow is called Marshmallow?”
‘ um, most of my knowledge comes from context and supposition
but i just heart recently that babies were given marshmallow to chew on
and i know that’s a root that is good for lungs and bladder…
it’s slightly sweet… grows in marshes…
i assume
once it was chewed up
it becomes fiberous and puffy…
like the licorice root i always chew on… ‘
“well, yes… Exactly.”
his breath smells of old man…
i’d never let him get like that
take those poisons
he wants him to live forever…
pickled!
but i would control everything!
Eat pro-biotics!
do yoga!
NO!
go for a walk!
swim!
eat green leafy vegetables!
no more TV..
stories…
draw me
lay down with me
caress my skin
be adored…
to feel these men admire my youth
my soft skin…
29 stories down
the homeless men play chess on the street corner at 9pm…
how do men become homeless?
impossible!
the world is FULL of loving, beautiful, kind, GIVING people!
you just don’t know how to receive!
don’t allow yourself to be humble!
don’t care about yourself enough to put even the small effort into keeping yourself in a position where you can make choices about where you sleep and what you eat!
where once i thought they just rejected all of society
YES!
even the LOVE!
i’m angry
why is there so much deceit?
i called this man
and told him i had to be back here at 7:30 for dinner
he told me to jump in a cab…
hmmm
we talked nearly two years ago
and when i came out here
i tried to meet him
and he would not explain why not
but he said he didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore…
OK?
then he contacted me a few months ago in SF
and asked to see me
OK?
calls me many times last night and today
i got to see him
it’s 6pm
no, i get to his place
it’s 5:30
i must have read my clock wrong on my computer
(it’s a 24hr clock… i’ve been using a 24hr clock since ’95… i still mistake it sometimes… but very rarely)
and the clock on my cell phone
maybe it changed it self wrong when crossing the border:
i always place the blame
First
with myself.
i keep watching the clock
and at 7pm
i tell him i must go shower
and head home
as i leave
another calls
i let it go to voicemail til i get on the street
as i do
i call him back
he wants me to come over and sleep with him
‘ did you have dinner yet? ‘
i ask
” ..No” he says
i tell him i have to have dinner with the people i’m staying with
and i’m already late for that…
i’ll call him when i’m done…
i start walking back
call my gracious hosts
and get their voicemail
– i tell them i am late and will be there soon
i run into the Whole Foods to buy some Açai
and something chocolatey… with caramel… hmmm and pecans!
back walking on the street
i check my phone to see what time i left that message saying i was late already
my phone says it’s 8:36
???!
oh no!
is the phone the wrong time?
i look up at the great City Hall in the centre of Philadelphia
it says it’s nearly 9 o’clock: certainly
hmmm
i get back to their place just after 9
and appologize…
i feel confused.
did that man change the clock in his bedroom so he could get an extra hour with me?
i check my voicemail
the man who wants me to come sleep with him
left a message with me
that call i missed
as i was leaving the first’s house
— he tells me he just got finished eating dinner with his friends.
???!
What
The
FUCK?
“thought there was love in everything and eveyone:
you’re so naïve!”*
People who deceive
it does no good to call them on their shit
they OWN it
they bathe in it
they eat it
they are composed of it
like my old lovers of the Leo tribe
calling them on their shit only pisses them off
they feel they are entitled to their deceptions
ESpeCIALLY to their self deceptions
like that italian bastard out in long island
this is certainly new
the people out in california
when called on their shit
would act like deer in the headlights
“Oh, sorry… did i say that?”
feigning total confusion
so convincingly
i believed them:
they didn’t realize they were lying
it just slipped out
like greased shit…
but these people out east
you tell him
they get pissed off
should i even call him back?
i’m tired
fuck this.
i’ll sleep well tonight…
“with a winning smile
the boy…
with naïvety succeeds!
–
at the final moment
i cried
:
i always cry at endings…”*

i talk about leaving the mountain, driving to philly, and the insular feeling i have…

for those of you have never been here:
between the Sanctuary and the Pan Meadow (where the cars are parked)
is a long dirt/gravel road
cutting through the forest
is a small path connecting the two: shorter.
this is my third year down here
and before this
i’ve always taken the short road that connects with the path to Goat’s
(which is on the way to the Pan Meadow)
i just realized
yesterday
that there is an older path that never connects to the Road
just goes along under it
and connects to the Sanctuary from within…
never having to walk on the road…
i’ve walked it four times since i discovered it yesterday
i love it
up and down
winding through the trees and vines
i keep thinking of how it’s the Path
and how so many have walked it before
and i help make it a little
by kicking stones out of the way..
this is the path we walk in life…
all the green
the dappled light of sunset
the heavy feel of heat
still slight this early in the year
foretelling the humidity of summer
Summer.
i don’t know when i’ll be down here next
but i am so appreciative now of the silence
the green
the millipede crossing my path
the sarsaparilla growing in its toothy way by the path side
in the house
they were making thai-noodle this morning…
last night
something we ate during the day
made both Goat and i quite sick
bad farts
— i vomited
so today i’m fasting
(there’s been something going around)
Goat’s off eating tamales at a neighbor’s house
(goats stomachs are legendary, aren’t they?)
the sun is setting the last time i’ll see it now
heading out tomorrow shortly before noon
to catch a rental car
and head back up to the crazy city
i feel so odd
not knowing my place
or even my desires
i suppose
being in the mix
will nix all of my wondering
is that why we live in cities?
to move to fast to worry about such
trivial
things?

catching up

it’d been raining here for most of the week
they said
but Beltane
it cleared
sun shone down
and though Goat’s side of the mountain is more shaded and cool
the Knoll was WARM
i stripped off all my clothes immediately
and circled around
the ritual
the focus
the intention:
Dignity.
i always crave more integrity
to stand tall and strong
the flow of life coursing through me most
bright
fierce
conduit.
but not feeling horny
the beautiful men everywhere
just the cuddling
the hugging
the kissing
the loving
cock didn’t care
the sun played over all the skin
— i did get to take some pictures
and the day wore on
i put my pink dress on for a bit
didn’t button it
hung open
eventually
put my green suit and layers back on
some dancing around the fire
some eating chocolate chips
the boys are not dependable
they are carried away by lusts
or by sleep
after i’ve massaged them
before i get to lick all the tender furry parts
yes
wind blowing through the trees
sky opened up
stars winking down
fine
yes
barefoot
i’m happy
it’s what i wanted
and needed
got a ride back already on friday
so nothing to worry about
(well, a ride to philly… some massage clients there, some friends… back to NYC a few days later, no prob…)
happy to be home
to be going home
to be home
from home to home
i’m moving around in a cloud
just a bit of bliss to drink in
fill me up for tomorrow

i slept two hours thursday night
when i finally layed down somewhere after 4AM
(ready to go for the morning)
there was a chatter in my head
fierce
many voices
talking faster than i could keep up
i tried just not keeping up
but they kept going
breathing
bringing myself to peace, stillness
infinity
helped: i dropped out somewhere.
woke up a little over two hours later
still very tired
but feeling pretty rested
(it was facilitated resting: with all the meditation and reiki)
yoga
and woke my body up
GO GO GO
took the F to 14th
and walked down to pick up the rental car
John met me there
he didn’t sleep at all
got some coffee
and walked down
from Woodside (Queens)
we drove back to Clinton
got my stuff
and picked up Lori at the corner of Essex and Delancey
and got out of town.
i drove from about 8am to 12
then John drove
i went to sleep
crashed pretty hard
but only for a half hour or so
coz he was so spaced out
caffeine and his own craziness
he kept swerving and jerking all over the road: i couldn’t sleep like that
he drove us down to Raleigh: Cary: where he was looking at some property to buy.
Bye Bye
Lori took the wheel and drove out on 40
we talked
we had really intense conversations
very passionate
intricate…
she said she was expelling too much energy
(she, herself, had only slept two hours the night before… though she did sleep pretty deeply for about four hours while i was driving)
it was making her tired
so we switched to listening to music more
Arcade Fire
we had an amazing experience to
“In the Backseat”
it was fun
but it WAS late
10pm
in the smokey mountians
she drove through NC into Tennessee
and i took the wheel for a few hours
— she crashed out pretty quick.
eventually
i decided it was best i rest
she woke
and said she’d drive some more.
i decided i would sleep
climbed in the back seat
and slept.
—
i was watching a movie with a friend
(Leo? Robert? Nayland? Lori?)
it was interesting
coz it got me really involved in the plot
he said
“it’s a great movie
coz you’re not just watching it
it’s watching you
and you’re not done with it
til you figure it out and get through it”
and
all of a sudden
i realized that I was the protagonist in the film
all the events were happening around me
but hey stopped being linear or even temporal
they just happened in extended eternity
everything was entirely Lucid
the man i had the relationship downstairs
his back yard
the fruits
his wife
the monkey suit
my desires for him
her
their relationship
the things i did for it
my mother
i lived THROUGH this story for a while
til i realized i was stuck in some pattern
and didn’t want to be here anymore
loving this man
who couldn’t love me back
but did
by giving me fruit?
hiding behind my mother
as i confronted all of these characters
not with words
but with intensity of being
it all changed
like white light exploding
i was carried off
out of that entire dynamic reality
all of the beings looked like purple hanging paper lanterns
long
faces
clothes
floating over plastic white clouds
a bazaar
desires for sale
i marveled at the things “people” “bought”
a “man” stretched out
while another being raped him with a large brass monkey-god idol
foods
clothes
yes
religeous experiences
relationships
i saw something
it turned me on
and i was back in the movie
having a conversation
(i’ve forgotten it now)
but
similiarily
(was it the tree house in the back yard?)
i was stuck there
until i came to full awareness of the envelopment of the situation
i was SO lucid now
from this level of processing
that i recognized this situation as an acid trip
i didn’t remember taking the drug
but here i was
so i had to be very careful:
this was a matter of most importance
life or death
existential fate
: this is how i remade my life.
i was processing through my desires
and understanding why they attracted me
how they moved me
what i got out of them
and what it cost
i was finishing them
flittering through them…
i felt myself asleep in the back of the car
by the ocean
i was in LA
with Leo in the driver’s seat
he was asleep too
i could feel him sleeping
i was sleeping
i didn’t feel safe.
there were kids banging at the outside of the car
pattering
drumming
there was a banging
Shit: they’re taking the subwoofer out of the trunk!
fuckers
whatever
i’m tired
i try to start the car
and realize they have taken apart the engine!
i’m pissed off now
not scared
but don’t let my anger get the best of me
Leo and i get out of the car
graffitti
cement
fucking mess of civilization
the kids
the cast-offs
what is this?
i talk with them
am i a street-jesus?
what am i brining to them
i don’t need this
i’m back in the movie
fell from one level to another
but not UP again
i ascend
beyond what i can describe . . .
i’m back in the back seat of the car
they kids are banging at the outside
i don’t care
i turn over and go back to sleep
is Leo ok?
i’m in the movie
she shows me the picture of Linda
Eli’s mom
her handsome (not pretty) face
her curly dark hair surrounding her head
is that my mother?
she’s there in front of me
no
it’s a black man with an afro
i’m being confronted with my issues concerning gender, nurture and race
she/he is shifting
and i’m sticking
i can’t figure it out
i keep telling “them” (who are making this movie)
that i’m too Tired
that i’ve been pushing too hard
having too much sex
wasting too much energy
i’m Tired
—-
i gasp
my mouth is pressed against my forearms
in the back seat of the car
crunched up
so fucking cold
we’ve stopped moving
there is a light
are we at an underpass?
oh shit: i have AIDS
i just failed my life test
i’m terrified
is it almost morning?
oh god
do i have to go back into that movie again?
i’m sorry i failed
i want to learn
please teach me
please
give me another chance
please
i’m so cold
wholly shit
where am i?
what’s going on?
“Lori: are you awake?”
“Yes”
i figure it must be her
she must have given me this dream
like fish
we dove into eachother in dreaming
became one
she helped me
no
she doesn’t remember having any dream
and
in fact
she’d only been asleep for about 10 mintues:
it was only 2:19 am or something
about an hour and a half after i fell asleep in the back seat
i am frantic
trying to explain
trying to keep it to myself
trying to understand
being coy
trying to get her to tell me.
i’m cold
i go to put on more clothes
the cord-o-roy
the zipper is stuck
the women’s zipper
there is a kink in my genetic chain
on shit: i have AIDS
i’m terrified
i’m talking
the zipper is stuck
i’m listening
i’m being humble
the zipper goes through
straightens out
somehow
it’s alright now
i open the door to pee
and we’re on a deserted road
it’s raining
there is a creek
raging below us:
She parked above a creek!
it was the undines!
THANK YOU!
i bundle up
and go back to sleep
to peaceful sleep
thank you.
——–>
i woke up at 6
we drove into nashville
Goat met us an hour later
and it took us many more to get back to the Mountain
everything was muddy
i’ve never seen it like this
but my heart was overflowing with love
and i just wanted to rush around and be a part of it all
but we went back to his house
and napped
slept
rested
loved.
time for down
and nourish
yes
slept a lot
now it’s beltane
and it’s time for play.

goat woke up and told me these dreams:
—
We were on a beach
on the ocean
with cliffs on all sides
i was sitting in the water
with my pants on
you were naked.
—–
We were in some big city
could have been new york
we were talking
you were sitting on a door-step
and turned into an alligator
red, with brown stripes
you turned into a snake, and slithered along the balustrade
same colours
then turned into an amphibian-type
iguana
you could put your legs out and pull them in
— we were just talking
then you curled yourself up into a horny scaly ball
and some punk-kids came along and asked me if i had a slam piece
i said ” i did, but he turned into that ”
pointed to the ball
they told me i had to leave town!
i stuck my finger up your asshole and carried you off like that..
—-

… take a shower
lay down
close my eyes for a few moments
jump up erect at 6:23 am!
walk, yes, walk
up to 12th street
yes i am
gonna rent a car!
first time i ever rented a car ever!
wow
gonna
i’magonna
wait
and meet these two other kids
and we’re gonna drive down to Tennesse
short mountain
know what that means, kids?
i’m off the grid for a few days (a week?)
i really need some time barefoot and naked in the trees
yeay for us.

— i’ve been making puppets
i’ve been VERY TIRED
spending every day hashing out the details
creating things
telling a story:
[simple]
Packaged food is poisonous to your health
be aware of what you put in your body
be involved with your nourishment
include your community
.
Good!
i’m so tired!
Bridget has been tired too
we are easily irritable when tired.
she fights with her boyfriend
they argue
they talk
they spend time talking
they would talk all about it!
i would get irritated with all the talking
but really
i would be jealous.
they Like this
what’s better
they LEARN from it
they both admit that it’s profitable
and they are appreciative of eachother’s input.
but my relationships.. NOOOOOO
No. Leo wouldn’t really respond.
Robert and Trevis would get Angry and Sullen
others just wouldn’t comprehend
i’m jealous of what they have
it’s painful to see the struggle
but it’s so beautiful
to see them growing.
i watch
i’m glad to be around them
because i am not in a relationship right now
i wonder if i’d like to be?
slide in skin-to-skin in the dark of night…
but didn’t i come here, kinda
to be in a relationship?
yes yes
but mostly with my self
addmittedly
…
but there is a boy here who i love dearly
not in a weird desperate way
not like that at all
i just love him
i just want him in my life
i just want to be in his
i want conversations and arguments
i want us to chase eachother through the park
i want to get gleaming with sweat with him
— it’s good to want things.
today
making the puppet show
fixing the stage
walked through Bed-Sty
Nostrand to Fulton
turn left
find the hardware store
all the black people calling out “jesus”
whispering it under their breath
joking
serious.
i buy dowel rods
i buy curtain rods
at the counter
i see leather-key-rings with astrology names printed on them
i don’t realize this
at first
i only see the name “Leo”
i deliberate…
upon realization
i pull of the Leo anyway
— extra rings scatter to the floor
i pay $1.50 for it
odd thing to do
why?
do i want a Leo in my life?
do i want to be my own Leo?
July 17th…
tonight is the full moon
well, the opposition is tomorrow at 6:06 in the morning
sun in taurus, moon in scorpio
lunar eclipse.
a perfect time for sex magic
but i’m so tired
i will just sleep and cuddle with Fritter
a faery friend who is visiting this big city
(to see Spam-a-Lot)
i will wake when i wake
maybe things will be clearer in the morning