Eating is Fun!
[ i just came off a three day fast .. yesterday ]
nothing like eating nothing to make everything taste amazing…
the coconut!
the Kitchari!
(
but, by nature of Kitchari.. it was just stubtly wonderful…
nothing shocking… just really nice…
got me high..
as it always does
)
then carnitas tacos in kelseyville!
and dark Chocolate (and green Tea!) Gelato!
a bite of Turtle!
MEAD!
a heavy meal of salad
potatoes (rosemary!)
asparagus!
LAMB!
almond cake and lady fingers and splenda ben&jerry’s chocolate ice cream and chocolate frosting and raw chocolate nibs and
RED WINE!
YES!
Eating is FUN!
but DAMN
it’s heavy
[slam me down back in my body]
i couldn’t really sleep…
or is it that i’m traveling to day?
eventually i gave up trying
(i’d close my eyes and just dream… )
i opened my eyes and stared at the stars…
put on my glasses to see better
took out my camera to try and photograph the stars
cuddled and talked with Leo
made Tea
came to journal
the sun hasn’t risen…
but i have
So…
Good Morning.
SO
i can hear about how my past friends were poison to me
( i can imagine it the other way around… )
i can listen to the music of teen-age years
the voice recordings of “The Door”
by CS Lewis… or Edmund White? or EM Forester? i don’t remember his name
i just remember Richard was Obsessed with that story
so he read it to Trevis [who recorded it]
as he read it to me
as he read it to every young thing who he found
with an existential crisis:
there’s got to be more to life and the world
than getting a job
suffering under it
and dying
ignorant and unhappy
Or blissfully sedated
existential crisis
of finding the right door to make God happy
or finding the right door to get out of this dreaded experiment
of human Kindness
human cruelty
the wars and jokes and battles and games
the endless suffering of broken hearts and forsaken gardens…
as we were drawn to eachother:
Teen Agers in the wasteland…
even the waste land of New York City
where we would talk on the phone and he would point at me and say
“you generate an energy that’s very difficult to be around…
i am fine with you when we are alone
but if we are with anyone else
anyone else i know
anyone you don’t
i can’t take it
i feel ashamed, uncomfortable
like i can’t take it: i have to get away”
and i can think about that
and wonder of my own faults
and my current Friend [lover] would say
“he’s just in the Closet”
because he’s only a Homosexual in the socially acceptable sense of the word
of the main stream variety
and my friend has a certain acceptable contempt for that
as i do
as i wonder
what i should do?
find a vice and stick to it!
chew on the floor…
have sex every day
the ebb of energy keeping me still and placated
or drink bourbon with mint leaves
three glasses
and a bottle of red wine
it’s enough for one night
or a day or masturbation
…
but looking through a million photographs
and hearing the old voices
and wondering
did i forsake them?
did i forsake myself?
what am i doing now?
do i need to impress anyone with my writing?
with my beauty?
with my voice?
do i need to give to the world?
does it care?
will it help?
or is it just Something To Do?
and is that Something, perhaps, Better than Other things to do?
like watching TV and killing animals with high-procision rifles?
i can’t help thinking about these things
as i take this turn through time
and look back at whenever the last time this happened was
when i felt this way
when i lost them all
when i left them
and they wouldn’t have me back
and i rejected them
and i don’t remember
how it all goes down
i just know i don’t ever really want to let go of anything
if i have to hold onto anything
i want it all
otherwise
i’d really rather just drift off on an iceburg and let it all go
but we’re never offered such clean extremes in life
always such smaller
more exacting choices
yes
fine
so i’ll keep knitting
keep twiddling my thumbs
all my fingers
not doing anything
or maybe looking for the key
to open the door
to please god
or get me out of here.
i just back dated some journaling about the last week and a half
in two long entries
as opposed to the two short ones i posted for today
oh, this makes three.
When i got back up here
i was still sick
but it was only a day or two before i felt much better…
Sure
the hot springs had a lot to do with that…
we all went together on tuesday
and i was totally shot after the first dip in the hot water
fell asleep in the sun
everything just moved through me
waking up that first morning with the sun burning the trees: what a gorgeous sunrise…
then the the hot springs
and the greasy french loving in Leo’s cooking
i felt so … nurtured…
yet a bit OUT
my two friends were able to be playful/sexual
and my throat was still ripped up
and lips were still raw
so i had to wait…
and when Leo left Wednesday night
i declared a Fast
well
the next day N and i went to the Hot springs again
i ran into people i knew
california folk…
N was annoyed
and i just took it in stride
yeah
these people are annoying..
but they are who’s out here
they come from the midwest and dream their biggest dreams
talk of being possessed by Kali all the time
and ghost written novels
yes
the hot springs
the goddess
sure
it’s so beautiful
i didn’t care
i just felt so good…
just felt so much better
and N cooked for me that last night of food
so nice to be nurtured by him as well
we slept together out under the stars
the Fasting (started on Friday, i guess)
also feels so good
the challenge of not eating
of wanting to share food with N
of wanting to eat!
everything becomes so scrumptious
(grin)
yesterday we went into town
i drove him around kelseyville and lakeport
took him to the supermarket
where i was taunted by all the food
AND all the hot men
the farmers… the hunters
the guys from the trailer park
hot men here
but they’d kill me!
i left
went and sat in the car…
that night (last night)
i went through many of the photographs…
many repeats
lots of trash
quite a few files that weren’t of me
but were Trevis’s… maybe Sheridan’s…
all those kids from highschool
the kids we used to be!
the kid i was…
even before that
stuff i must have stolen from my mother
5 years old
8
11
my teacher…
kids i’ve not talked to in years
kids i’ve grown apart from
all of them…
it made me feel really delicate
i tried to look up one on the internet
.. couldn’t find him
i called trevis and left a message
letting him know i had all these photos that were his, now
and a journal…
did he want them?
just a voice mail.. with Morrissey singing “You Wonder How… We’ve Stayed alive til now…we’ll let you know, oh, but only if… you’re really interested”
yeah, how?
Eli called
and we talked for an hour or so
while he drove through LA
on his way to the Movies
we talked about relationships
ours
and others
Friends
what that means
i got to be honest about my anger with him
without being mean
i got to hear myself in compassion and friendliness
he complimented me on how good i was being to myself
protecting myself from him
it just left me feeling really crazy
sad
frustrated
the Past….
i had to shake off after i got off the phone
run to a tree
and let it go
then have a conversation with nayland
in my strength
and insecurity…
so scared as i can be…
but it’s alright:
We’re Friends.
and i’m sad i’m not in New York now…
i miss it
and i won’t be back for a month!
argh..
i’m here
going through the past
writing
plotting the future
wondering what to do
what is right…
knowing i have to make a new scenario for myself in the city
given myself the time already
now do it
so i have a new trellis to grow on
not just blow away from
so much yet to learn
s’alright
it’s happening.
…
Leo comes back tonight
and we head off to the city on Tuesday
” it’s the past…
it’s in the Bracken…
Did something happen?
i’m like a butterfly
in a case
and i’m a number
in a drawer…
but NO
i don’t remember…”
when i posted that post about the terrible “good-bye” to Sheridan
Trevis’ girlfriend from 10 years ago commented on it:
she had googled the net looking for him
and found him with me
a spider
a keeper of the past
i gave her his number
and passed on…
on the phone with my brother a few moments ago
he told me he went to his 10 year high school reunion a few weeks ago
and this girl named Courtney came up to him and asked him about me
(didn’t know his name: “Are you Nick’s brother?”)
— she wasn’t surprised at the life i’ve led
then she paused and said
“is he still hanging around with Sheridan and Trevis?”
-No, he said
“good, i didn’t think he would be: they were always so poisonous to him and he never saw it… i’m glad he finally did”
i hope i never leave butt stains on things
i know it’s not the most terrible thing in the world
but i’ve got a virgo rising
and i always make sure my butt is clean
there’s a butt stain on the sheets from where he sat
i suppose it’s not gross in any way
for someone who’s into scat
So Yeah
how’d i take it?
i took it in stride
i didn’t find a ride
so i made a ride
there were people interested
and flaked out
but then…
stoner traveller kids
Yeah
my friend Otto drove me out to the airport
i wish i wasn’t sick
or i would have loved to have played with him
but
instead
we spent hours in bed cuddling
— it was nice.
when i got the car at the PDX airport
i turned right instead of turning left
— wrong way for the interstate
as i did a U-Turn
the right front wheel burst.
Ok.
Mercury Retrograde
i took it in stride..
but it took another hour
to fill out the paperwork
and get another car
and then drive down and pick up the kids
then we drove out of town…
on the way down
we picked up a hitchhiker who wanted to be dropped off in Medford…
he’d been there before
and had never met anyone going there
so he decided he would live there.
Yup.
we drove
i drove 310 miles before i relinquished the wheel…
we tried to find a swimming hole
it was Men Only at Wolf Creek (the radical Faery sanctuary)
so the girl couldn’t go in with us
didn’t find the swimming hole
but found lots of blackberries
ripe!
plumb
LUSH
i picked a bunch for myself
and then two handfuls to share with the other kids…
when we dropped off the guy in Medford
the other two took the wheel
and i drifted off to sleep.
on first waking
i was worried about my computer: did that guy steal it?
and were these kids really gonna pay me?
i realized i was freaked out
i didn’t trust anyone
but i was compassionate with myself about it
a girl i’d known forever had just fucked me over.
grrrrrr
i hate feeling so raw
and SICK!
i was still stick
feverish
i went back to sleep
and woke up right before we got to the Vallejo Rest Stop
i told the kids about how gay men cruise
they were all wierded out
but interested
i drove us into the city
dropped them off in golden gate park
(they had been traveling all summer
sleeping under bridges
in parks
jumping train cars…
they only agreed to rent a car and drive down with me coz they NEEDED to get there at a certain time and it was the cheapest way they’d found)
this is where they had stayed before
they were just gonna find some nice bushes to sleep under
and it was fucking COLD!
san francisco… Queer..
i drove to pick up my friend Lucien’s from the Lone Star
and he had a cute boy in tow… back to his house
parked the car
sat up smoking pot
and being Dominic
telling stories
i was tired
but still explanatory
the pot didn’t really knock me
and i made some really nice Sage, Yerba Sante, passionflower, oatstraw Tea
for my throat
at this point
it was excruciating to swallow…
i went to sleep with Lucien
and sweat sweat sweat
the bed was still drenched in the morning
as it had been every night since i left NYC…
i ambled down stairs and got the car
drove to Union Square to drop it off
and then
walked down to Dore Alley
things were bad for me
i could hardly drink
and had diarrhea at this point from being DeHydrated
but it was Kinda on the way
and i knew i’d run into friends
and i did… ahh
it was so nice to see all my SF friends
so many of them were shocked to see me
— i got interviewed by someone for their PodCast
and an old friend walked up and gave me a pot brownie he’d grown and baked himself
well
the day started to disintegrate after that
and the people i met i was less inclined to remember and interract with well
they started saying “Boy, what drugs are you on?”
i guess the dehydration and fever made the marijuana apparent?
i had to get the fuck out of there
but each time i tried to leave
i kept ending back up there
i have NO idea how i got home
i don’t remember the walk
and don’t THINK i got a cab
coz i kinda remember turning onto the alley…
anyway
Lucien was there when i arrived around 4 o’clock
even he said i was stoned out of my mind
so he headed off to Dore (and was greeted by a dead body: he didn’t stay long… i guess someone died on the dance floor?)
and i layed down to take a nap…
and didn’t wake up until 3:34 am!
YEAH!
FINALLY! I GOT SOME SLEEP!
i drank some water
had a piss
played a game of solitare
and slept again until about 9am.
Lazy Morning?
yeah.
i’d planned to fast
but went out with Lucien to meet with Leo at Delesio’s
it hurt to eat
but it was great to see Leo again…
we drove around
talked
headed over to the east bay
i was Very Out Of It
but happy…
we picked up Nayland at the airport around 8pm (his plane was late)
and then headed north…
got to the cabin at nearly 11, i guess
i don’t remember
but Leo made something quick to eat
and we settled in to sleep out on the bed under the stars..
so happy to be home here…
Simple:
i’ve arrived in portland.
here are a few notes from the last week:
Continue reading “how i got to portland”
Sheridan has repeatedly mentioned this, so i thought i would back-date this
… to be fair. (posted July 3rd, 2007)
”
your account of the last time we saw each other broke my heart a little and made
me really question your clarity and honesty. on your blog, i consider
your omissions of details occurring at that time to be a Lie at
worst, a Manipulation at best. you knew we weren’t into meth or any
drugs other than just being big time stoners. you also knew that joel
had just lost his job, we suddenly were putting our house on the real
estate market and joel’s best friend had been arrested for “abusing”
his wife, a mentally disturbed woman in late stages of MS. those
three events occurred two days before your arrival, and because of
all that, i told you we couldn’t host you.
somehow, you decided to disregard all of that information when you
explained your version of what went on.
”
— my reasoning for throwing this information out the window, as i told her, was because nothing that was going on would justify how they treated me. Nothing.
even she forgot the detail here: she didn’t tell me they couldn’t host me
Joel called me and i never heard another word from her until i got there.
i arrived home last night
city.city.city.city.
it’s been a nice little adventure.
i’ll talk about it more…
tonight maybe?
i didn’t use my time last night wisely
and never got around to writing.
but i’ll tell the tale sometime soon.
just a bit of schedule:
i’m back in NYC now.
have a desire to go up to MA again…
BUT
just bought a plane ticket for Portland Oregon:
i’ve gotta get “my stuff” from an old friend’s house
she’s selling it and doesn’t want to move it…
so changed my plans
flying to portland instead of SF
then driving/riding down to the hermitage
meet up with Leo and N there
to spend a week on the mountain…
then over to the midwest for the rest of the month!
i won’t even be back here until the end of August…
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