57 days uptime
the computer was only put to sleep
never shut down
finally cleared all the windows
updated everything
and have restarted it a few times now.
i’m in Pittsburgh
i’m leaving tomorrow (TODAY!)
i’ll be back in NYC on wednesday
… i’ll rest a little bit there, i promise
i’m aching to be home.

—-
it’s been a long time since i’ve had sex with the same man so many times.
slept with the same man
night after night
it’s been a long time…
i’d like to be alone now.
sleep alone now.
my teeth hurt
my breath tasted like Limburger yesterday
i want to cuddle
love
comfort
enjoy
but it’s hot
sticky
— i can’t sleep
my body is sore
— i’m tired.
i worry:
it’s just the grass.
i’m terrified of the future!
i don’t have any idea what a man i would live with would be like
i don’t want to have sex anymore
please let me stop
i’m terrified.
i’ve been doing yoga a lot lately
you know
just since i’ve got here
i’m the Yogi
i am teaching him
i know more than they do
i know more than many people
blah blah blah
i’m terrified
i mean
i’m not in very good shape
when i got to the west coast
i was skinny
but isn’t that what the east coast does to you?
isn’t that what i wanted?
to be Tempered
to be hardened a bit
polished…
i got my beard trimmed
my hair trimmed
i was a bit thinner
they could all feel it
well
i’m fatter now
i’ve been under a lot of stress
the family
the patterns
the prospects
i pronounce such judgements
so simple
the chaos
the war
the death
blowing leaves: it’s Autumn.
water collected in a red/orange/yellow/green leave
curled at the edges
stagnant pond
junkies
man walking his two little dogs:
see that little lamb run
bound along the waterside
lost somewhere
making phone calls
it’s apparent that they are angry at me for abandoning their story
now they have nothing real to do with their lives!
and do i?
what am i doing?
what will i do?
what can i do?
find replacements for them?
get on with the Will of being gay?
buy things?
die?
get rich and old?
settle down?
what do i imagine is a possibility?
right now i’m tired
body’s sore
from doing yoga
— when i hadn’t been
from not sleeping enough
having too much sex
taking on too much
being under stress
i just want to go home and rest
don’t feel it calling to me
why don’t i just stay here?
“now that you’ve found me”
breaks my heart. (where ever i left it)
fall back into my brother’s arms (the water bed in the guest room)
the cat comes down and makes love to me
massaging my Hara with his paws
slight claws
then up to my neck
digging in further
like hypodermics administering some medicine
pushing hard against my lymph glands
pulsing
kissing my chin
then pumping my chest
looking for life.
i left because i’ve been looking for life
now i feel like i’ve lost it somewhere along the way
-0———-
we have
what some people refer to
as Love
for one another
—————0

but i cleared em up before i rest my head
dumb ass bitch
tired
as good as dead
yo

accidently left my self logged into bear411
(i’d only logged in to send an email to someone i knew already)
left my self logged in all day today..
on my account here in indiana…
from about 2pm til about 2 am
68 fucking messages
damnit!

i just got a massage from my mom.
she wanted to the morning after i worked on her
but i worked on her for three hours
and she needed her rest after that
so tonight
we made a date
though i couuld have run off to get some dick
i stuck around
and she had a migrane
so couldn’t work on me
and that was sad
but
OK
i hugged her and said
‘it’s alright, mom, i’m used to people… especially people who say they love me
telling me they’ll do something nice for me..
and not being able to…
no, it’s alright… i’ve learned not to rely on anyone…
Oh, i’m just kidding!’
[yeah, right.]
so i gave more music to my sister
and updated my dad’s iPod
and drank a glass of dandylion wine
and talked with my mom
she said
“have you ever taken on someone’s pain?”
like
“have you ever breathed air?”
‘yeah..’
and i lectured
enough for her to realize, as she already knew, that this headache was from working on a girl at the store today who had a headache
and it wasn’t hers
and when you realize the shit you’ve taken on isn’t yours
it’s really easy to let go of
because it doesn’t belong to you: nothing for it to stick to..
in a few minutes
she was totally better
so
Wha-LA
she gave me a massage
and it was nice
nice to be massaged by mom
yeah
she did things i’d not had done in a while
and things i’d never had done
and i taught her some of the things no one has ever done to me
it felt great…
but as she started to work on my back
i guess it opened up my heart
and i felt sad
so so sad
where the fuck am i?
and where should i go?
and where is my home?
do i want to live in New York or Tennessee or England or California?
fuckhellshitfuckin not in Indiana
what the fuck is up with my lovers?
fuck you guys, you know who you are.. all ov you
fuck you for ignoring me so much and leaving me lonely
“where do we go from here? the words are comming out all weird… Where Are You Now… When i need you….?”

i keep meaning to write about this
but keep forgetting to..
and i just got a massage
so i’ll write about it now:
i often notice that when i go to work on someone
they might be kinda ugly…
now
i don’t really think anyone is “ugly”
and hardly ever use the world
but i mean
UpTight
pinched faces
nervous
holding lots of mousy energy
maybe bitchy… Mean…
something that makes them think they’re ugly
cut off
needing to hire someone to touch them
(massage should be a luxury, not a necessity… well, i like to think of it that way…)
but when i start working on pretty much Anyone
they start to relax
and i shower them with love
and
even the most pinched bitter faces
relax
and the grace of god flows through them
and they are Beautiful
everyone is beautiful
if they let themselves be…
like at harbin hot springs
the people stripping off their clothes
stepping into the warm waters
surrounded by beautiful naked bodies
they relax
enjoy
are Naked!
seen!
beautiful
as the happiness rises
so does the beauty
and they shine that
and share that
and other people
maybe nervous
see them
with their whole body..
whole self
and relax
and laugh
and smile
and become beautiful
Beautiful.

“i need my conscience to keep watch over me
to protect me from myself
so i can wear honesty
like a crown on my head
as i walk into
the promised land
…”
— American Dreaming, Brenden Perry (dead can dance)
laying on the table
it occurred to me that the word
“Conscience”
means “with sentience” or “with awareness”
when people talk about it as a seperate thing
is that because they are bumbling around like pinballs
bouncing off of experiences in life
while their Awareness (eternal, omnicient) is talking to them
yelling at them
waving hand and jumping up and down
trying to give them a clue of what’s happening to them…
has all my struggles with trying to understand morality (and fit into the human race in general) come from the fact that i don’t have a “conscience”
but that my ego IS my awareness…
or
rather
i spend a good deal of time as my awareness
and
indeed
work on unifying the two?
(yoga; other meditations…)

on the trip down to bloomington
i played a CD for Kari
the last CD i made for Leo
“Create in Me a Clean Heart”
it has the track on it “a house in england” by The Divided
— a song inspired by a story that happened in my life a few years ago
when Yacov offered to give me a house in england
Kari said
“whatever happend to that house…?”
i told her the story…
meanwhile
i just helped her do errands around town
— talking with her Lawyers
delivering papers
then she went to work
i went to walk around bloomington…
but what to see there?
accessing it as a tourist
all i saw was College Town
and
despite my best intentions
i gag on college towns…
so i sat
with my computer
at the Bagel Company
drinking tea
and cruizing on their WiFi
what did i find?
about five very handsome men …
so i sent them messages
and
in a little while
got a call from one of them..
a professor in Germanic studies
variations on the language through out time
Yiddish and Dutch..
he invited me to his office
— we had great conversations about europe
… i felt my frustrations and predjudices about college kids
and i pined for Europe…
he’s an olde generation American (and Canadian)
so it was strange talking with him
we were on different wavelengths..
i don’t feel like this is my country
… he does.
i’m only a 3rd generation…
while i was on my knees
my phone rang…
but my mouth and hands were busy
so i let it go to voicemail
but
then it rang again
yet again
i missed it…
but noticed it was a call from… England.
after i left his office
walking through the woods of the IU campus
i checked my voicemail…
and it was Yacov…
offering me another house in england..
odd.
very.
different story this time..
house out in the countryside..
anyone want to run a commune/guest house with me?
grow vegetables and grow old together?
“old dirt road
knee deep snow
watching the fire as we grow
oooooooooo-old”
?
but he scares me
… the furture scares me
i went to the bar where my sister works
and sat and drank with her
and drank and drank
and went to her car
and called N over and over and over for about five minutes
i imagined him sitting on his bed watching TV
and his eyes bulging as he heard the phone ringing… unable to pick it up.
i felt sad.
i talked with my mom a bit
drunk
ugh…
i went back to the bar
and she was finished
so we went to some rather sad gay bars around town
where she flirted with the bar tenders
there were guys who wanted to meet up with me at night
or in the morning…
i decided not to.
i dreampt…
an earthquake was comming: it woke me up
i lay on the floor and felt it approaching
— it ripped the country in half..
i was in a land cruiser
big as a city
virtual hands ripping through the soil
stealing all the gems..
— i woke up
we drove back up here to Indiana
a few people wanted me to come and have sex with them
and i chose to be with the family
to hang with my sister
to talk with my father
to eat dinner with mom and dad at Benihana’s japanese restaurant
where a group of people sit around a table with a grill
and cook the meat, cut it up
play with your food
make a show of it
right in front of you
that was nice
but i ate sushi…
always gotta be the odd one, i guess
anyway
it was cool
and i decided to stay with my mom and dad
instead of going out and getting Dick
which i could of done
still could do
but i’m here with them
and tomorrow
hopefully
my mother will give me a massage
and then drive me to Dayton
visiting burial mounds on the way
…
i’ll spend a night or two there
then head to Columbus for the week…
then a few days in Pittsburgh
then back to NYC?
maybe a night or two in Philly
depends on how the rides work…
it’ll work out
back to NYC
for a week or two?
i dunno…

it occurs to me
that i’m a good listener
and for most
that’s what i can do.
my advice really isn’t all that precious
but that i can listen
can let them talk…
Me?
i can journal…
i don’t have someone to listen to me right now
i can call and call
and he won’t pick up the phone
and he won’t have time
be available
return the emails or messages
that’s not what i get
not even a good cuddle-mate
no
i get to journal
she’s always been my best listener
my stead-fast lover…
though all my old journals are lost now…
What would i do?
i guess i’ve been thinking about the future with that Grey Haze of things…
the city holds many men who are emotionally not compatible with me…
(i don’t really know any that are anywhere…)
what would i do if i got my house in england?
a view of the sea?
the green rolling hills
the grey sky
the emptiness?
would that be a good place to weather my growth?
learn about potatoes and squash
greens and carrots
goats?
find some straight hippie kids to live with me…
maybe a few queers?
still go to the bars or internet for dick
or just.. maybe go without for a while?
could i stay still there?
would i feel OK having that relationship with yakov?
would i learn to come to peace with everything?

there’s some part of me
like a mechanism
that i can disengage…
like that
i float around people
‘ oh, that’s nice
yeah, interesting
uh-hmmm ‘
and it’s very nice and stuff
and stuff
but when i click it in
the gears don’t grind
the teeth slide in and start spinning right away
i know Candide
and the passions of all men
or i see stupidity clearly
and raze the shit away with reason
i suggest alternatives
with my machete
i clear the path
(so many plants are made of emotion…)
it’s not a delicate way of loving
though i find it so much more Thrilling.
however
it usually results in
“i don’t want to talk about this right now”
when i bring up
with my sister
in her car
‘ why didn’t you become a Vet again? ‘
” .. mainly because of my grades… ”
‘ .. How many times have you mentioned that your Grades have kept you from doing the things you really want to do…
have you ever considered you could stop smoking pot and drinking all the time and it’d give your mind more focus so you could get better grades and acheive what you want? ‘
” i don’t want to talk about this right now ”
O
K
so
that’s how i love.
how else?
just by presence
i don’t say or do anything
i just float around
and
it’s nice.
Yeah.
Meanwhile
i just gave my mother a three hour massage…
she bobbled around afterwards
hardly able to walk..
she’s sleeping soundly now
and..
maybe i will be soon as well.

sometimes i dog-ear books
and sometimes i lose them
sometimes i give them away
the copy of Milan Kundera’s “The Book of Laugher and Forgetting” i have
i found at heartwood, for free
and haven’t read it til now
— it has lots of writing and notes in it from someone else
and though i loved the experience of reading the book
i want to pass it on (not merely because i’ve run out of space for carrying anything else and have been given two books yesterday)
so when/if i read it again
i can read a bare copy.
i’m giving this copy to Sandy– a guy i met about 6 years ago at Lazy Bear
— it’s been a good night of conversation.
anyway
these are the lines i had dog-eared
but the first four chapters were so amazing i could read them over and over…
well… the whole book.
“Once the writer in every individual comes to live (and that time is not far off), we are in for an age of universal deafness and lack of understanding.”
“… love is a constant interrogation. In fact, i don’t know a better definition of love.”
“.. she feels that love is a privilege and all privileges are undeserved and that why she has to pay.”
” Until now, her sexuality had been occupied by love (I say “occupied” because sex is not love; it is merely the territory love marks out for itself) and therefore had a dramatic, responsible, serious component to it, something Tamina watched over with anguish. Here witht he children in the realm of the insignificant it finally reverted to what it had orginially been: a toy for the production of sensual pleasure.
Or to put it another way, sexuality freed from its diabolical ties with love had become a joy of angelic simplicity.”

i stayed up all night talking with Sandy
he got me stoned
and i yammered away at him for hours…
he interviewed me
asked me “where’d you get your start?”
i told him of my past
i talked a talked…
he came out of it saying
“you are the most articulate spiritually intelligent person i have ever met… and that’s saying a lot”
he published a book with a shaman friend of his called “Smart Boys”
she’d previously written a book called “Smart Girls”
— he’s worked with lots of people
so i took it as a compliment
but…
Really?
thanks…
i’ve always wanted to be articulate
AND spiritually (and otherwise) intelligent