of course..
i didn´t sleep last night.
i´ve made a habit of it
before long trips
just not sleeping.
trying to wrap up loose ends..
maybe i´ve just got too many loose ends?
— i´m a frayed knot.
i bought four bottles of water for the plane, three for me and one for jim
some dates and a walnut bar
we started driving into LA at 7:30 am
.. i slept about a half hour
the ride in was mostly uneventful
G and J making their customary driving comments
“fucking cunt” and laughing at their jokes
i forgot to call my parents
so
borrowed jim´s phone
nattered with them both a bit..
my father was the one to say ” i love you ” this time
impressed
i nodded off in the back seat
and woke near the airport.
it started raining
and we had to take a bus from the terminal out to the gate
… never had done that before.
we flew LAN
and watched movies..
i got to watch Batman Begins
which i chose of Bewitched and Cindarella man
… i was feeling bitchy from lack of sleep
and didn´t pay much attention to the movie
thinking it was just a stupid fighting movie
until it started to draw me in
inspiring me
the belief of training people to destroy society every time it got over corrupt
and how Bruce Wayne was just too compassionate to believe that all hope was lost…
gonna do it the hard way
stop this avalance one boulder at a time..
the whole movie based on facing and overcomming/using your fears..
my favourite quote was
“it´s not who you are underneath that matters
it´s what you do that defines you”
i wrote down a few other things in my book that the movie made me think of:
-though i was not born a prince
that is no reason for me not to become one
(at this point in my life, i see that)
pleanty of people have mistaken me for one
it would be nice if i´d do the same
and educate myself into a pleasing super-human status
— sciences and martial arts… languages and arts..
… in this world of non-sequitors
all lineage has lost it´s roots..
perhaps i can find a place…
what use is hidden in my anger at the world?
what magic in my lonliness?
! i need a teacher! even still.. i will reject him.
— over all
the movie was entertaining.
i listened the new Moby album
.. the first track sounded promising… but it very quickly got tiring
:
i fell asleep
and woke at the next album.. something in spanish
a few tracks played before it woke me up enough to change it
to…?
the new ColdPlay record
ugh…
same feeling as always with them
— sounds pretty
but it´s really boring.
i turned it off
and started over BATMAN again to see the first 20 minutes or so that ignored
then napped a bit
read a bit
looked through the Machu Pichu book that Thor gave me
then ate again
then started reading “the power of now” that Leo had given me..
it read incredibly quickly for me..
perhaps because i felt like i knew it all already
— still, i was annoyed that i was reading some crap new-age text book
and thought it was funny that i was so judgemental and defensive about it
but it took til about page 30 that something really hit me
the place where he started talking about the difference between Love and Joy
versus
Emotions…
the word comes fromt he latin for “disturbance”
and he was saying
that what most people think is love
is just pleasure
hence
many relationships
quickly turn to anger and attacking
… and i couldn´t dissagree
i felt terrified..
but
we were there
… an 8 hour flight.
if i had started reading earlier, i could have finished it!
so i´ve got this trip to look forward to working through it.
minimal hassle at the Lima Airport
but i was really tired
and jim started telling me stories of when he was a teacher
and how he would hit the kids
and how it was good for them
because
basically
kids need attention
and they like it when an adult takes the time to discipline them
and maybe this is why i´d be a bad father
but shouldn´t there be another form of attention?
one of support and love?
then he went on to tell me story after story of the kind of father he had
drunk
beating up on his sons
killing their dog
— i stopped him
and told him over and over and over to stop telling me these abusive stories
it took me yelling at him a bit
and he said “well go to hell, then”
and pretty much shut off from me
fine.
i needed a rest
but felt bad
: i was not understood
and he was not understanding
and i´d done a bad job of protecting myself
( i hurt someone else )
the hotel was nice
but
such a change from the desert:
everything felt damp
we slept in seperate beds
a little night-stand between
like a Chassidic jew´s bedroom
or the Cleaver´s…

So
i’m leaving at 7:30 in the morning
heading to LAX
flying out of there at 12:55pm
landing in Lima at 11:55 pm
and then?
and then?
two days in Lima
then Iquitos
four days in the Amazon
then a few more days in Lima
then up to Cuzco
down …
to Machu Pichu for two days
then working back up
then a few days in Bolivia on Lake Titicaca
before reaturing to the US on the 28th.
i’ll do my best to post when i can
… meanwhile …

i had a very good morning
i didn’t wake up early
and was a bit wobbly still from the hang over
not so graceful
bumping into walls a bit
but
after enough water
Jim and i headed off to the mountain
and hiked..
for about four hours.
i got a bit of a tan
and a slight buzz in my legs…
Jim was wobbly by the end of it
— but we were working stuff out.
i took lots of pictures
Ahhh
to get up High.
i can’t believe i’m going to Peru.
— the day had conversations
and lots of stories..
some repeats.
lunch with Frank Martin
— he posted the pics i gave him on his website
if i could be so prolific!
i thought of so many things i wanted to write about
sex
massage
magic?
i don’t remember
lonliness?
gambling with age?
anyway
i’m tired now
and have no idea how i’ll leave everything behind..
but i will.
it was a good day
good massage
good cuddling
(thanks guys)
good stories
and
it’s always pretty amazing
here
the mass of people’s lives
from how long ago
damn
never enough time
and me to go around.

yes
sex should be fun
but a bit more than Play
so often
sex is a way of getting to know someone
and once i’ve gotten to know them enough
the desire
shall we say
has worn off?
sex is a nourishment
and many are starving
but sometimes it’s not enough
— and there are different flavors
in NYC i eat italian for the spice, really
but i could stand a steady diet of episcopal cuddling.
what’s the wish, then?
there’s a passing on of knowledge..
yes.
there’s the ReCreation of the world
of eachother
yes
it should be more than a few minutes
one passive
one active
it should be a dynamic dance
play..
sex is not something to base a relationship on
but it is certainly something to follow…
if it calls you
i love the sweat
the rush and push
that man.. that Teacher for Oakland
Oh!
i could imagine that going on forever!
but there are other feelings
of desperation
lonliness
need
not so good
but what was the good?
the chance meeting
the brushing of skin and fur
and the immediate stiffening and firing
yes
like that.
what more?
i still imagine it could be used to focus and attain everything
well… in part…

i went to the Pride Parade in Palm Springs
i’m not a Pride Parade kinda guy.
i’m not a Parade kinda guy.
the Parade bored me
i’m not interested in that, really
but all the beautiful men lined up to watch it..
that was great..
so i walked up and down the steet
talking
and taking pictures..
and lots of looking.
spying.
there were…
many hot men.
and christians who hated gay people
or
were
more importantly
afraid of being alive.
there were..
lots of people
beautiful
and the parade
many floats: empty.
most of the hot bears i took pictuers of
when i asked them
they said “why?”
they didn’t know they were hot.
people are so silly sometimes
aren’t we?
i saw old friends
that i don’t really like
and he doesn’t really like me
beautiful Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
and…
oh…
he’s so cute.
i went back to the Desert Bear Inn with he and his Partner of 17 years, Greg.
Nice
cuddling and play
and pool
and on to Thai dinner
where
met up with us
— i sat through dinner again
and then went off to the Barracks
a bar.
[UGH}
i left immediately with a beautiful man named Steve.
he had to hide me from his lover (michael)
but the house was beautiful
his sweat was beautiful
the cross (lit up on the mountain top)
was beautiful
i had a great time
but there was such sadness
— i won’t talk about all of it
but Robert S in NYC/Michigan
reminding me of…
the hot passionate fully conected loving playful communicative sex
as a mistress
as a trend as a friend as an old memory
fucker
got a life already
so i was fun
it was fun
never really in my life
fucking dream
as i am, sargent.
he drove me back to the bar
where Frank was
and a really hot guy talked to someone
then walked in
Frank, i offered him a drink
— he wanted Peppermint Schnapps.
i bought him one… two came: one for me too
and a Hefferwissen.
and then this guy asked me “what’s with the hair?”
and he bought us all shots of Whiskey.
not scotch, fuck that: irish.
he’s irish.
his dick was a roll of dimes.
he was wearing a kilt.
we fell in love
fucker.
i loved kissing him
i loved my hands all over his body.
i loved it
i loved playing with him and talking with him and hearing him
and showing off
and he left without saying bye.
and i called him
and he told me his Hotel
but it was a lie.
and i called him and he said “NO, i’m going to sleep”
and i said
‘ men suck ‘
and now i feel kinda bad
and kinda drunk.
and i’m going to sleep.

some times things are so difficult
i was trying to set up a wireless router for Gene
(and myself, of course)
but, in trying to configure Gene’s computer to run ISPQ properly
i knocked his computer off the network
having no idea how i did it
and having no idea how to get it back on..
eventually
it worked came back on its own…
in the mean time
i tried to set up the new router using Jim’s computer
which was fine
but it wouldn’t connect to the internet….
so i plugged in the old router: it worked.
new router: no.
Ok.
so i got everything working again as it was before i started it
then i called Verizon Tech Support
they taught me to go into windows through the command prompt
and… a command that wasn’t there back when i used DOS
“ipconfig”
with the tags
“/all” “/release” “/renew”
which managed to get me completely lost from the internet
and infuriated.
i had a headache!
this is a big deal for me:
as a kid
i had headaches all the time
i was sick all the time
i was angry all the time
i was sad all the time
and i didn’t want to sleep
didn’t want to eat
didn’t love
didn’t want to live.
those teen-age days have been circling the camfire with the ghosts and wolves for the last few years
i’m out in the desert
and getting bored feeding the fire
my friend in LA gave me a[nother] documentry on the war in Iraq
yeah? lies? Really?
Jim came in and took me to dinner at a near by indian resaurant
— all organic food! which i was pretty impressed by
… and the hostess lady was very attentive and concerned..
the food was good..
i just didn’t have an appetite
and eating seems so… Wrong sometimes.
we walked back into the house to Gene watching DateLine on NBC
what was the episode titled?
something like “operation Pevert” or something
i don’t fucking remember
but we walked in just in time to see them entraping gay middle aged men
by luring them with the idea of 13 year olds and 14 year olds…
bating them along
leading them to a house
and then filming them as they get discoverd
and the fucking anchor man fucking investigator pick
gloats and strutts around him
“got you in a hard spot, don’t we pervert.. you’re FUCKED now!”
power tripping
— reminded me of how i felt in school
being antagonized by people who were also weak and scared like me
but who had me overpowered by numbers
(like heterosexuals.. and terrified christian suburbanites)
anyway
then they gave all the vital information about these poor men
-where they worked, how much they made, their full names
and told you could go to WWW.PervertedJustice.com (or something like that)
to get their telephone number if you wanted
this was all done through AOL by a company called Perverted Justice that sets this shit up!
a poor man, a Rabbi, was fucking gutted as it all came to light
and
as our sexually-sick culture pranced about making all sorts of assuptions
throwing stones in our glass house
no questions were asked…
what’s with this country?
formed by so many religous fanatics
and from cultures that are pretty sexually repressed anyway
cycling back
surpressing so much desire and natural flow of enegies..
mutilating men’s bodies to cut down on the pleasure
who’s the perverts?
in so many cultures
homosexulaity is in the weave of all life
in Societies..
so much knowlege is passed and processed..
Cultured that way..
and in so many
throughout History
the sex between the young and the old has been so important…
and still in many today!
to villinize
to cause surpression
cause boils..
infuriated
i could not stand to watch it
wanted desperately to call that poor Rabbi on the phone and console him
appologize for my country
appologize for the world we live in
offer appreciation and love
ugh
yes, Sick
yes
world is sick
it all comes out as puss…
how many sebaceous cysts have i squeezed out lately?
fucking sick.
left on hold with the help desk
all computers disabled..
my phone rang
and it was someone wanting a massage
“needing some love”
and i jumped at the chance
though it was late…
i needed to go work my body
move myself
try and make the world a little better
coz i was feeling like i wanted to throw the whole fucking thing away
and i hate when i get like that.
so
i’m back
and i’m tired
but
damn
the stars were beautiful
and i know at least one person feels better than he did two hours ago
me too, a bit.

i’m a fake
said my name was James
but
you know
i got through to Tech Support at 2am or something
and he knew
when the others didn’t
sorry to say
canadian boy?
not the chinese kids, not the black boy
nerd kid
beautiful kid
thanks man
he knew
did it right
and
mother fucker
i’m back on line
hopefully i can get gene’s ispq working again too…
but damn
but damn
somethings are so lonely
stare at the stars baby
dance, honey
and spin
off the ground
you know
like dancing and laughing and forgetting
like immersing your soul in love
go up and never come back down
(when just yesterday you were chastizing the world for wanting that!)

there is a rip in the fabric ov my screen these days
tiny little whole
bottom right corner
like someone had pushed a pin through the image
and the nothing is rushing through
i wonder if it’s like clothes
or a parachute?
will it get bigger?
will i be exposed through it?
will i be sucked through it?
will it take over my life?
or let me fall to the ground on my own?

i started studying astrology because i noticed patterns through it.
and i still do:
on the 2nd
i had two clients.
both were Libras.
the Kidd i was staying with
he was too.
my client tonight:
he was too.
the rest of the folk i met there?
two Leos
one taurus
one picese
pretty much standards for me…
but what’s with the Libras?

it’s kind of embarrassing to me that i’ve not hiked in the grand canyon yet…
but as i flew into LA
i woke up just in time
for us to fly over the four-corners area..
i looked for my 8-year-old self
marveling at the cliff dwellings…
eventually
green hills appeared
and then started to break
a huge gouge..
the sky was clear
i could see it coming
and i guess it was a waterfall..
or was that just haze?
the land was rent by a rift…
not like i’d imagined it
was that just a river over time?
so flat and smooth above it
other strange shapes..
the canyon opened into an underground mountain range
the levels were all strange
different
my eyes fluttered
i’m so glad i got to see it
what would i do with it?
who would i go with?
i wanna get lost…
as i explained it’s so difficult for me to get lost
even in unknown cities
though i sometimes use it in my imaginary conversations i have with people i’m late to meet..
it’s never true.
the only time i’ve ever noticed that it’s easy for me to get lost..
is when i’m following someone around
and i know only them
and street signs and details become a blur
pale in their light
of conversation and desires
i listen
and i respond
— it doesn’t matter where (or what) i am.

last week..
what was it… Tuesday?
i went to meet up with this guy i met on line
you know the story..
it was last year sometime
his profile didn’t say much about him
but his pictures were astoundingly hot to me
i emailed him a few times before i heard back
and when i did
he didn’t say much
just
“you’re hot, yeah, let’s meet”
i made a point of making sure it happened this month that i’ve been back
went i went out to see him last week..
Friday i think it was
rainy
cold
deserted!
far out in brooklyn
far…
N train nearly to Coney Island
— it’s where he grew up.
polish/russian/jewish/irish? something like that
i got off the train and walked the short few blocks to his house
empty streets
i tagged a Hummer2
and a father was trying to make his child come inside
yelling
yelling louder
“GET THE FUCK INSIDE”
always makes me feel like a battered child when parents yell at their children
… especially fathers and sons…
so i was feeling vulnerable when i got to his house
… and the flashes of “Mysterious Skin” were pulsing through me
it occurred to me i had no idea who this guy was
and was he going to rape my ass?
i was terrified
lonely
cold..
he welcomed me in
in his wife beater
fu-man-chu
the TV was on
condoms
on
twinkies
with
crisco
sliding in and our
Mute
it made me shuffle.
i took my coat off and sat down next to him on the leather sofa
the art prints on the walls
dangling colourful things
jewish glass chachkas
who was this guy?
and smoking a joint with him didn’t help
i started vocalizing my confusion
my concern
he played along: not telling me who he was
keeping secrets..
but letting me know
he could feel everything going on my body
and he was going to give me what i needed
i turned the TV off
when we got undressed
he told me he was born the Ideas of March
picese…
he layed his heavy body down on top of me
heat radiating into me
crushing me into the couch
weighing me down
placing me there
holding me there
he said
“i don’t do this sort of thing… but it’s what your body wants”
he could feel everything
and i could feel him feeling
and i could feel everything
and it made me want to cry
or run
or something
like i hadn’t been feeling my body in months
or years
or forever
i don’t remember
why not?
maybe it was just the marijuana with sex
which is always confounding to me
i called him a conundrum
he kept thinking i was insulting him
he was playing
with critisisms
telling me how i wasn’t sucking dick right, etc…
letting me know i wasn’t hot shit
bossing me around
making me serve him..
as i wanted to
but i was so emotionally confused
and the more i felt him
felt him feeling me
felt his responses to my feelings
i just flipped out
and desperately wanted to give myself over to him..
Ach!
“love”
that silly confusing thought…
it was alright
that night
we fit together
and he told me i was directing the show..
i felt like i did when i was riding those horses in mongoila:
this huge powerful beast could kill me in an instant
but was letting me be in control..
as much as i ever am.
…
when i left him at 6 am that day
the whole world was comming to light as i went to visit a friend in town from Istanbul
offering me a visit…
everything seemed pretty exciting
and i wrote him thanks
and felt such a strong pull to him.
and then i saw him again last night..
lots of TV
no pot
conversation
warmth
more training
critisim
cuddling
but i was still scared
this time
more scard of “falling in love”
in a stupid way
i noticed that my heart was free again
i have pulled it’s roots in from the places i had planted it
it’s mine
and i’m always aching to give it away..
so when i was having sex with him last night
i was careful not to let him inside
i guess
my body has always been smarter than i
— if i fell in love now
i would just be distracted an mournful all month in CA and Peru
and what good would that do?
i still had a great time with him
but by the light of the morning
i just saw how incompatible we are
yeah
Friends
yeah…
Friends.
coz i need some friends
in this city…
what am i doing in this city?

not me
but when i got off the V train
waiting for my F
wondering if i should just walk the last stop…
a big (kinda cute) drunk black guy starts the play on me
braying and slurring “i was supposed to catch the train..”
i thanked my lucky iPod
and just waved my hands in front of my face
adn walked away
in time to greet the F train coming into land…
and when i got off that train
passing through the turn styles out
three cops
drunk homeless guy spattered at the bottom of the stairs
one cop bends down, extends his hand to help the guy up..
and how many others did i see today?
i felt like there were hunderds on the Uppe West Side
as i walked up from 96th
had breakfast with the Children of Light
and then walked back down to 83rd or 4th or 5th…
but maybe it was just the cold
the grey
maybe it was the advertisement for Japanese Single Malt Scotch
maybe it was the lack of sleep
the waking up so early
then back to sleep
then long train ride in
maybe it’s the movie being shot right outside my house
“Across the Universe”
a 60’s/70’s Musical (all music by the Beatles)
that has turned my intersection into a mockery of St Mark’s Place / Haight…
every time i come home… or walk out the door
my long hair flying
everyone in the cast and crew stares at me
Glares!
“Sorry, we’re just making images here… who’s this guy? and where’d he come from?”
My Rent was doubled today
i don’t know how much longer i want to be in this city.