i’m absolutely amazed i could not find this word online
not in dictionaries or through google
is there a standardised spelling for it?
i grew up with a half-polish family
i’ve always known it: never seen it written
found this in the Yiddish dictionary
tsatske

… after the news
Arthur took me to visit a friend of his
who lived on 23rd street
in the housing for the blind
i wasn’t keen on the idea
but the third time a joint went around
i had some
in conversation
up came my story of the Peruvian cemetaries
how they were built above ground
if you were wealthy
like a honey comb
little cells
most people couldn’t afford to buy
so there was a rent paid on them
sometimes for generations
grand pa
great grand pa
great great great
if you didn’t pay
the body was exhumed
and dumped into a large pit in the back
that’s where all the bodies that couldn’t afford to pay went
Arthur, who
if he had an on-line life
would probably have the handle
“ChatchskyBear”
said
he would never pay for such a thing
would want to just be tossed in the pit
my mind burbbled
and i said
‘ the bargain bin ‘
a fitting fate for someone in love with 99¢ stores

” this was a factory
now it’s a peaceful oasis ”
” this was a discount store
now it’s turned into a corn field ”
” we used to barbeque
now we just eat nuts and berries ”
” and as things fell apart
nobody paid much attention ”
” don’t leave me standing here
i can’t get used to this lifestyle “

it’s become obvious to me that the money is a compensation for love
not just the love i’m giving to the client
that’s the more obvious
but the lack of attention i receive from my lovers
when i am sad
lonely
dejected
i look forward to the next client i’ll have
… tomorrow
regardless of his characteristics
i know he will give me a large sum
when i am through paying him attention
though it’s not love
it’s not attention
it’s a vitamin i can use to nourish myself
as i see fit

on the edge of a forest
the sky is constantly vacillating between day and night
though
the light doesn’t look like flashing
it’s the soft cool of the moon and stars
it’s the warmth of the sun
i’m barefoot in the grass
hear the sound of a small stream
walk over to it
into it
stand there a while
then climb up over the bank
to the other side
— a thick forest
like red woods
i walk in a while
then lay down
and become translucent

One of the things i learned from the massage tonight was
i’ve been stuffing my emotions
i decided that i would always be in pain
always be lonely
always be sad
so i just tuned the radar off those feelings so i wouldn’t have to notice them all the time
yeah
but they’re still there
here’s one of them:
i don’t like sleeping alone
i’m embarrassed to admit it!
but it comes out in ways
i don’t sleep well on my own
fuck: it’s nearly 4am and i’m still awake
— i’m afraid of my dreams
afraid of an empty bed
cold sheets
i always sleep better with someone else
well
someone i like
well… someone i love.
then there’s the problem of me fighting with my lovers
my father
of feeling misunderstood
isolated
alone
forgotten
inept
impotent
—
i decided the world was an insane fucked up sick place
and i decided that i couldn’t just throw it away and live with out it
so i moved to NYC to be a part of it
and that decision became only firmer here
thus
i have become furthermore insane fucked up and sick.
how useful is that?
(story’s not over, more to be told, more to learn)