i’m thinking
where
riding on the train?
or was it before…
i was thinking of those fucking shackles people wear all the time
damn
WristWatches
fucking Watches
watching
Terrible things!
a metronome for people’s lives
who get fooled
tricked into thinking life happens a second at a time
when there is so much more
the flow
the every pouring flow
indivisible
nothing moving
nothing passing
moving impossibly faster than they could even imagine
always right now
whole
in this instant forever
will these people
sold to some slave trader
bound to time
ever break free to Now?

trying to keep all the days organized can be rough!
but i’m feeling much better now
still
i woke with such a strange feeling…
was it something from a dream?
i was embarrassed…
did i wet the bed?
did i have a wet dream?
what happened? was i cover in snot?
cold sweat
what is it all the time with all this sweating?
i need to sort out all this body stuff that’s going on with me
i rolled out of bed and went down for the shower
then into the small sunny room where the computer has been
crooked into the corner ‘just so’ to get a WiFi signal
wrapped up some communications
Leo came down
we emailed his friend in Berlin that we would be staying with
then i closed it down
ran up stairs and finished packing my things up
stripped the beds
emptied the garbage
took down the dishes and the trash
10:10
walked (at a fast pace)
down the Ruysdalestratt, past Sebastian’s to where that guy Richard used to live… which is now three buildings of Squats. Good for them
i gave them my orange shirt and green wool pants
then to the corner baakerij and got twee wolnuten tartepuntjes und twee guvele koeken (because they’re my favourite) for the road… er, rails.
back to the house
10:25
i ran upstairs (pacing myself) for my bags
quick look around to make sure…
then down to give hugs and say goodbye
out the door
towards the train
then i remembered i needed some water
and it’d be much cheaper from this little store than on the train
Leo chastised me
but i didn’t listen
i went in
looked around…
Found the Spa Blau
paid (one euro thirty five)
as the tram turned the corner and headed for the platform
i ran
and made it.
Ja.
all uneventful from there on
catching my breath
mwa mwa mwa
on the train now
as the flat flat flatness of holland rolls by
snow covered in the east
lakes frozen
few trees
the old buildings
not so much tourist and money flow
more moss
more decay…
other places
more sunlight!
‘red-headed-houses’
and the quiet hum of the train
that makes me feel like i’m almost flying
… or constantly falling
(i’m sitting backwards watching it all recede)
————12:43————–
we passed out of the sunshine
into a huge snow storm
big leafy flakes
passing by so fast
looked almost like tv static over the image…
…
when the train moved very slow through a birch forest
green moss on limbs
huge flakes wafting slowly down
i ached for my camera
too late
——-13:23———
now somewhere east of Hannover
rocketing through a countryside covered in snow
deep in grey
though i still expect it to be sunny and bright
it looks like it’s almost night
the snow is falling hard…
the houses are bigger
broader
almost like suburbs
i love how everything looks
and i wonder if it’s because trains will never go into a suburb’s culdesacs..
well maybe light rail
but this fast
rocketing
floating train
it isn’t connected to anything societies viscera
it pumps cells from heart to heart
it makes everything look exciting…
even still
the birch trees and mossy green limbs…
——— 15:30 ———
white fields against white birch
———- 15:48 ——–
we arrive in Berlin around 17:30
get off the train
and before we can even try and figure out how to make the UBahn ticket machine work
a nice (very tall) german boy is helping Leo
(ah, it’s good to travel with him, my elderly grandpa)
giving him directions in english
buys two week-long tickets for us! (with our cash, of course)
but then we’re down stairs
up stairs
across the street
back in the same place
down stairs
around the corner: THERE it IS
the U2 line to Wittenburgplatz: where we’re staying.
one stop
no problem
we walk out
cross the street
and wait by the gay weiner stand
Deiter meets us
they hug
and he lives a block away
one flight up
we go in
throw our stuff down in the bedroom
advancements in the story:
Deiter has got a boy friend (in the last two weeks)
so won’t be needing private time with Leo
well well
and his boy friend is CUTE!
they met at a funeral.
(grin)
he doesn’t speak english, but he smiles nice…
after he leaves
we go out for a walk with the dog
to a place that translates as “high way rest area”
and have a nice dinner
— i eat curried lamb schank
holding the bone
i rip the grizzle with my teeth
i love restaurants!
this neighborhood is gay-ground-zero
there are a million bars in every direction
a bunch of saunas
constant cruising in the summer, i bet
not too far from the Teirgarten, big park where there’s lots of park sex with the warmer weather…
so we see all the bars we might like
and bars we should avoid (hustlers… but ok)
then back at the house
i give Tony, Deiter’s dog, a massage
he loves it
and we’re friends (ie: he won’t leave me alone)
tomorrow Deiter is getting another dog, Ramseys
a huge black new found land
who’s full grown
Tony is an old english sheep dog, and just a puppy
but everyone on the street is afraid of him coz he’s so big
not some little city dogs here, no
dogs made for cold weather!
still
we’ve had a long day
so Leo and i turn in early…

i’m now in the New car/van down to rotterdam
with Sebastian, Helena and Frank
This morning i woke around 9:30 or so
it was not a great sleep
i felt all groggy
Leo talked a bit
then left
on his way to the mass…
i lay in bed
feeling my body.
just in sivasana
just feeling my body could feel everything going on
well…. the pain…
the soreness…
strange imbalances
strange rhythms…
my body feels like a foreign place
like all of the terrain has changed.
as i paid attention to things…
as i felt my way though things
awareness would blossom
and pathways would open..
my throat
my sinuses
my ear
it’s simple
i know
if i’m present
all will take care of itself
it’s not just getting out of the way of my body
but releasing it
while devoting myself to it
subjugating myself, in a way
humbly
… as a servant.
i then started in on some yoga
everything is so tight
and so sore…
and where as i had excellent feelings of awareness and wholeness in bed
while i was moving around my thoughts were going everything…
and if what i need now is concentration
perhaps my style of meditation must change as my life must change
not so much moving… more stillness…
i went down stairs
took a shit
enjoyed looking at it
ahh… the dutch inspection shelves…
need to firm it up a bit…
then a shower
all the tricky water controls…
when will we live in a perfect world where all the showers work properly?
then
so hard to get out of the house…
i futzed about on the computer a bit
finally
getting my self together
i felt a panic to rush out the door:
Leo was at church
but we weren’t meant to meet at the Centraal Station to validate our Eurailpass and get reservations for our trip to Berlin
meanwhile: i had plans
so i threw all my gear on
there were wires all over the foyer…
the mass was being recorded for radio today, oy vey…
i had to pump up the tyres of Marcel’s bike
so… figuring out how to do that
then the phone rang…
it was Mixalis thinking he was calling Leo
but he chatted with me
and chatted and chatted
while i struggled to get my bike to the door
then the technician guy came through and grabbed the cables
and thank you thank you
and i explained the mix up, gave him Leo’s number
and he gave me his in Crete
ok ok
he told me i should drink whiskey
warmed up
with cloves
and honey
yes yes
thank you
by this time i had wrestled the bike out of the door
and had walked it down the street a while
but we were done now
i said good bye
got on the bike
and rode round the corner
down the street
to my favourite local turkish place in this neighborhood (back when i lived here)
different people working there now
i asked a girl to make me Two Lamachun
got an Ayran
and sat down to breathe…
…
good to drink…
and the food
OH!
each bite was like warm LIFE
felt so nourishing
like i could feel my legs pulsing with life again..
was i just starving?
probably…
i hadn’t really felt hungry til now (for days)
but my stomach wasn’t really ready for two of them
so i ate one and a half
thanked the other half
and tossed it
back on the bike…
and off to find the Laagte Kadijk . . .
i was shocked by how i found my way through the city
how i remembered almost every turn
knowing where i was
the big streets
the little
through the traffic…
how everything worked…
the nostalgia so strong
sweeping me up with excitement and joy
and all of a sudden
i was there
wondering which way to turn next
i was there.
jumped off
took some pictures
what to do here?
hello!
(laughs)
no time, gotta go
winding down
trying to find the way i wanted to go
(past the swimming trees)
… it opened for me naturally
an adventure
an invitation
a welcoming.
i parked the bike
said hello to the ducks… the strange birds
wanted to take pictures right away
wanted to hug the trees…
didn’t want to piss off the ducks.
the trees were slick
from all the snow
the ice
the moss
the algae…
i walked slow
crouched
the ducks grumbled at me
then swam over asking me for food…
i took some pictures
i grinned like the fool i am
happy
giggling
people walking by…
but gotta meet Leo
so i’m off
past Henk and Joeke
HELLO!
through the Waterlooplien
down to the NieweMarkt
that alley to the Oude Waal…
to chain up the bike
and write a note…
when Leo called me to tell me he’d left his passport at home
Oh, OhKay.
so i wrote.
and i walked
and i bought some groceries.
Mercury retrograde
round and round again
Lost in the train station
looking for Leo
standing behind a pillar
i’m one side to the other and back and forth, oh.
we eventually meet up
go to get our pass validated
and there are no window seats left for tomorrow!
i’m heart broken…
but on we push
Leo walks me out of the station to catch the 5
but then it’s all the way back by the door we came out of
oh!
i keep forgetting…
but i’ve got to get going quick!
back to the house to grab my lap top to take on the trip to rotterdam so i can write while sitting in the car…
then over to sebastian’s….
when i leave the rectory
the wind is blowing and big wet snow is falling fierce…
by the time i get to Sebastian’s door…
it stops.
i helped clean up a bit from yesterday’s ritual
folding up all the clothes
wrapping up the copper wire on a spindle
which is what i’m doing when Frank arrives
and we all get ready and GO
the new car that Sebastian borrows is nicer than the old one, which had no back seats
this one is posh
little van/car thing
i don’t think i’ll get much writing done here
we talk most of the way
i write for a little bit
not looking at the screen… staring out at the scenery..
beautiful
strange
holland
the Modernity of things outside of the old cities
Rotterdam
that war torn city that rebuilt it self in part like a depressing british neighborhood
and part like an art project
a huge factory… refinery or something
looks like a giant art deco toaster or something
smooth round metal walls
with some hard edges for accent
a few hundred feet high
— the Sheik’s neighborhood warms my heart as my eyes recognize it
snow falling
we all get out and quietly walk inside…
a lecture going on…
the Sheik sitting in the kitchen
i walk up to him
and drop to my knees
and instead of grabbing hands
i throw my arms around him
which is strange
my relationship with him used to feel much more equal
but now he feels like a sight for sore eyes..
a man who is special (to a community) because he is a Vortex of love
he is love
he is loving
he is lovable
a man who is lovable!
how rare!?
a man who is loving!
when i was here in 2002
i was much closer to that
how i aspired to be
to love all
be loved by all
be love
shine love
share love
now i’m feeling lost and scared and …
it felt amazing.
so we sat down for the beginning of Zikr
the music started
different…
one of the men, i don’t remember his name
but the dark skin
the deep eyes
he plays … a lute? something like it
that…
then an african type drum from a white boy…
then the iranian drums
then the singing
then sebastian is a dervish
and i’m shivering
and i’m swaying
and i’m praying
and i’m saying
la ilallaha il alla
— there is nothing but god
and i am dancing
my hair is flowing
and my head is opening
i hear things pop and move
and i’m laughing and i’m crying
we’ve got it going on
it’s short today
the Sheik is ill too.
only slightly longer than a half hour
we wind down
we come to rest
he calls me over
we talk
we mostly sit next to eachother
there’s drama with the other white people
the dutch people
there always was before
the same thing that challenges me with the naraya
certain people needing SO much attention
maybe it’s just cause they’re greedy…
maybe because i am
maybe because they’re asking for it
so he gives it
where as
to me
he offers it
so i get to receive it.
dinner is much simpler
but good
and the sheik goes off to bed.
we sit and talk
the sheik’s daughter-in-law asks me about yesterday’s ritual
Sebastian and her Husband are translating so everyone is understood
i tell her it felt much more like lift triumphing over death:
many people are born dead
they live dead…
until eventually
they die
or they burst into life screaming!
…and they surrender into being carried by those who will bear their weight.
she asks me what i would do, right now, if i found i had two weeks left to live…
i tell her i wouldn’t try to see the world, taste the foods, feel the feelings…
coz i’ve already done that
i’m still doing it
i love it
but
i would find someone who i trusted in the art of dying
in such a short period of time
i would want someone who could help train me
so i could do it gracefully.
then a cake comes out
for a birthday
and more music is made
more songs are played
– i record one with my camera
ja!
and we go…
but on the way home
we stop by another of Sebastian’s friend…
an Old Man
90? 80? 70?
who knows
you can get old at any age
but he couldn’t use his legs much
severe arthritis
great mind
walls filled with books
sweet..
Sebastian put me on the spot telling me to suggest a project for his old friend
— i imagine him naked on a bed surrounded and entwined with young bodies
everyone laughs
or blushes
but most elderly are ill because they don’t get touched enough
i see him rubbing his red arthritic hand
and i so badly want to reach out and touch him
but don’t know if i can ask
how i’m feeling…
and it’s time to go
and we get back home
i go and get “in the city of shy hunters”
return to Sebastian’s…
where he shows me pictures from yesterdays ritual..
ah, the sweet face of Ito..
us…
we look so beautiful!
then he and i and Johnathan and frank
sit around the table and talk
talk talk talk
Leo invites me down to a bar
but how could i possibly?
this is what i love
talking with friends
and Sebastian shows me the journal i left at his place
made out of my jodhpurs
ahhmmmmmm
nostalgia
mercury retrograde
guiding the way
tricking us in the steps…
i go home
make sandwiches with Leo for tomorrow’s trip
but it still takes me a long time to get to sleep
..

slow going morning
but i could tell i was definately feeling… better?
relatively
relativity is everything, yeah
yeah…
on down the street
yeah
to Sebastian’s
up the elevator
and… into costume
though everyone was looking for funny clothes…
i was happy with a simple Kirpa
white (for sufi dancing)
and while everyone else was getting their face painted white and black like skeletons (kinda)
Sebastian said i would not get any paint
OK
we stood in circle
we did some breema
we chose groups
to talk about Death
this was all being filmed by an Iranian documentarist
our group was our beloved Tania, Johnathan, Ito, Marieka, Theo and dominic… ja…
the stories from the dutch were about how they always felt they had too much responsibility for other people’s lives and weren’t allowed to live their own
weren’t allowed to exist… couldn’t be heard… were strangled by their invisibility
born into death… grew up in death
like i did
who talked about always looking for the door out of this world
a way to die that was OK with the world, not suicide
looking for the way out … always…
WAY OUT
the other american felt he was dying
felt his fake bullshit self was dying
he was dying away
coming into being
he just wanted to die
he was scared
he was excited: this is what he’d always wanted
and Tania had dreams
of being bound up
helpless
then being carried..
so we made a ritual about it.
the groups began
the first group
what happened?
i don’t know
there was laying around
moaning
shouting
and twitching
then us, the second group
sebastian posed us into hitting tania on the head with large pieces of wood
we collapsed into eachother
then morphed into our ritual
her on the table
marieka screaming
being strangled
blinding theo
grabbing
pulling
we lifted Tania
and walked around the table with her many times
put her down
i felt nauseous…
kneeling at her feet
Johnathan said i could use every person i met as a door
use this opportunity
we sat down
i told sebastian i felt i should be naked
so when the next group started
he asked me to join them: naked
i was lifting, holding bodies
dead boy
i was up on the table
holding on
supporting
grabbing
pulling
keeping the weight off
dead
dead boys
the fourth act
was me
helena
ito and johnathan
the two men wrapped me in gauze
my nose dripping yellow snot on the white
they lifted me
in fetal position
the put me down
helena held me
poured vanilla vla into my mouth (like a pudding)
same colour as my snot
it drooled out of my mouth
down my body
as i struggled to break my bonds
and suddenly it was my disease
comming out of me
in this infected phlegm
binding me
that i was breaking free of
coughing up
standing up
strips of gauze
covered in snot and vla
dripping from my body
then all the young on the table
holding hands
being blessed by all the older
circling
blessings
receiving
thank you
blessings
i showered
we all cleaned up
Frank had made dinner for all of us
Tania sat still in her fasting
Simon brought down a book of Hermann Nitsch
austrian Action art
bodies covered in pig blood and innards
at the dinner table
we ate
drank
i was tired
didn’t eat much
my vitamins
motherfuckergoddamnit
eating
some people going
the rest of us
all laying down on the floor and cuddling
yes
all of us
sleeping
napping
ito let me put my hand on his belly
hand on his shaft
resting
theo’s arms around me
i went to the toilet
ito followed me
and i asked to see him naked before me
the veins in the foreskin
the blend of italian and dutch in him
formidable
beautiful
i hugged him
it was time to go
to go home
to rest some more
a little time on the internet
and talking with Leo
and sleep.

in the morning
i woke
drenched in sweat
and took the sea salts i had bought for cleaning my nose
down to the bath room
and took a shower
then filled the tub
and soaked for half hour in sea salts
then went to lay in the small bed room with the sunlight
more sleeping
more turning
being too hot
being too cold
sleeping.
eventually
i felt almost human
and sat to do a little internet stuff
feeling like i MUST plan my trip for Madrid
snot slobbering
i got out of bed to piss in a cup and snort it
BURNED my nose
but maybe that was from the poppers that had splashed up there from the leather men?
or from how dehydrated i was?
i vowed to drink more water
and drank
and pissed
and snorted
and burned
eventually
it was time to go:
tonight is the night we plan the ritual for tomorrow’s Banquet of Death
ughhhh
can i make it?
the walk to Sebastian’s house was really only 10 minutes
i could do it…
and i did
crashed on the couch as soon as i got there
but enjoyed meeting all the people
beautiful people
interesting people
so full of light
a beautiful girl, Tania, was on the Lemonade fast…
kept it in a thermos: warm
good
she gave me some
a very handsome man
i didn’t know his name
we kept locking eyes…
when it got time for us to do Breema excersizes
we choose eachother
and just touching him felt good
cuddle
i wanted to sleep…
we watched a TV movie about Shamans
and how they take people to death to heal them
and how you have to do the work
no matter what you call it:
disease, virus, AIDS:: the world has it and we have to help
a korean woman who dances… dances you to death
then leaves you there for a while to heal everything in your life
scared the other shamans… thought she was killing people!
and some guy outside of bangkock… who got a recipie from angels while sleeping
over 15 years
to make Golden Ash Powder
it would cure AIDS and get rid of HIV
over and over
belief
strength
the world of faith is so much more interesting and powerful than this limited world of answers we live in
but ugh
that was enough
i crawled home
and was asleep before midnight

my story is not a Triumphant story
but
Humanity’s story is not a Triumphant story
all of my successes worked hand in hand with my failures
ring around the roseies
pockets full of posies
ashes
ashes
we all fall down

black tulip morning
juan carlos tajes
jacob hooij
steffan
hans man in’t veld
sic
…
while sleeping in the leather hotel
white sheets
leather cover
i had a dream
i was dressed all in Leather
reached up with my left hand
and with my right holding scissors
just started cutting my hair
after the second or third chunk i thought
— oh shit… now i have to cut all my hair or this will look stupid… why did i start doing this? —
every few years or so i have these dreams
accidentally cutting my hair so having to cut it all dreams
strange.
i woke up
groggy…
quietly going to drink water
piss
get my clothes on
write down my email address for this big sexy daddy bear
he woke up
and i told him i had to meet a friend or i would stay to suck him off
he said that’s OK
but i saw he had a hardon…
… so i HAD to!
it was fun
and didn’t take too long
but i didn’t cum: i had to go to meet my friend Juan Carlos
beautiful morning
the snow on everything
the sun in the canals
i stopped and took some pictures…
walked to Juan’s place
and he let me in
i could feel something wrong with my body
like a hangover?
talking with Juan
making tea
laying down
tired
Juan smoking hash
taking me into his hall by his bed room
dropping his pants
urugauy
praise
big balls haven’t been emptied for a while
thick cock, long foreskin
he massages my body as i suck him
good
he could cum a thousand times
i would love it
as i always have
then
like always
door bell
he tells me to go hide in the bathroom and put my clothes on
i sit and wait for her to leave…
we talk
i’m very tired now
didn’t cum yet
but
spacey..
gotta go
i help him load his art onto his scooter:
his hips are all fucked up and he has to ride a scooter through town
poor guy
but he’s not poor
he’s a Leo and he’s got his pride
and he does it with grace and style and a smile
i love him
he’s beautiful
off we go into the city
i walk through the red light district
most windows empty
up the NieweMarkt
up to Jacob Hooij, the oldest Herb dealer in Amsterdam
not weed… but medicinal plants..
i ask them for Homeopathics
they got them
but don’t know the one i want my its american abbreviation
only by the full latin name
Kalipurnum Bichronium
or something
for sinus infections
which
by now
i’m sure i have pretty full blown
damn it.
from there
i walk up to the rembrantplien
and catch a tram up to the TroopenMuseum to meet up with Steffen and Leo
which i’ve found out
Leo was out with Steffan til 4am
and they decided they liked eachother
so went home together
when i got there
Steffan was wearing a singlet and i felt like shit…
i talked my friend Hans into meeting us up there
and we all went to the Green Elephant to meet for drinks and talks..
it was mostly Hans and i Catching up…
he’s the guy who gave me his apartment when i lived here three years ago
i lived in his space for three months while he was off doing other things…
he teaches Theater all over
we had good conversations..
he was excited and amazed that i had befriended my father again…
— yet again, a marker of how i’ve grown
he ordred me Bitterballen and some BaerenBerg
the bitterballen are fried balls of…. cow udders..
yum.
maybe that’s what pushed me over the edge?
i was feeling like total shit by the time he had to leave at 17:00
though steffan offered i could stay there
i went home with Leo
and went directly to bed
passed out
which began about 24 hours in bed sweating
hallucinating
snott pouring out of my nose
all sorts of messages from my body:
health lies in the jaw
keep it relaxed always!
like nazis running my body
pushing me around
i kept turning over and over
burning
burning
Leo went out to meet someone
i woke around 8pm and called Marcel
who was pissed i didn’t call him before
— we were supposed to meet for a massage… again
sorry
sorry
sorry
back to sleep

Mixalis
Marcel dinner
Argos/Black Tulip Night…
Woke
late
again
immediately
i felt a sinus infection comming on…
where did it come from?
staying up til 4am?
walking in the cold?
waiting outside for the buss?
having my face buried in R’s crotch?
damn.
i took an airborne
hoped it would go away
talked with Leo down stairs
just in time for Mixalis to arrive…
a Greek friend of Leo’s..
cute little furry fucker.
we had a three way when i got to Amsterdam back in 2002
as M. was Leo’s main lover here then
and we both wanted to please L
though i was attracted to M, he was usually into guys OLDER than Leo…
so …
we became friends after Leo left
my only friend that wasn’t about fucking
… was about talking about all the hot daddies we loved
talking about Leo like he was a pop star or something
“ohhhh, he’s SO dreamy…”
and smoking pot together.
well
he and his australian lover
yeah
we met
walked around in the cold
through the museum plein
to a little cafe down the liedsestraat
sat and chat..
then he and Leo went off to play in the Thermos Sauna
i didn’t feel like it
could tell the cold was coming on..
i wanted to ride the bike around and enjoy the town
but snow was starting
so i just went home and rested
read the Tao a bit…
then just lay down and meditated…
i woke around 6
when it was time to meet Marcel for dinner… then to give him a massage
took the tram
walked to the NeuweMarkt
met up with Marcel there
and had a great Thai dinner
really thick Tom Kha Gai
and sweet/wonderful red beef curry
served by a beautiful MTF Tranny
then
back at Marcel’s…
we never got around to the massage: again.
i helped him organize his computer
set up Skype on it for him
took some pictures of him
edited them
helped him with it all
he didn’t offer to pay me
and i guess that was alright
but i felt weird about doing computer work for him..
but he gave me the plug for his Mac that he didn’t use…
which was the one i needed to make my Mac work here in Europe…
so: OK
trade.
(and he bought me dinner… which was expensive!)
then i went to meet Leo at the Argos
we’d decided that this would be our late night out at the bar
so i got there
and these two Hoosier guys were there who we’d seen all week, but Leo had just found out they were from Indiana
so we chatted with them a bit
then this really cute guy walked by
and i stopped him
…
do i know you?
it was my friend Steffan!
who i used to talk with all the time in these bars…
strange fellow (but aren’t we all)
very intelligent
turns out he knows Chris (the octothorpe)
i introduced him to Leo and we chatted for a bit
… then this hot guy sat down at the bar
big leather guy
which isn’t my thing
but he had a really hot face
thick vandyke beard
deep eyes
something so hot about him
and we were sitting over the radiator
so i suggested we move
and just at that moment
he went down stairs
so i excused myself and followed him..
he was waiting for me
and took me in the back
and forced me on my knees to suck his cock
which wasn’t a huge cock
but very nicely shaped
uncut
no words spoken
some guy from behind started spanking my ass
he just had me sucking
then would pull me up to kiss him
— i felt a good connection
then would shove me back down to suck..
eventually
he asked me if i would come back to his hotel with him
The Black Tulip
i’d heard about this place
its reputation preceeds it…
but i wasn’t frightened
Sure…
i figured it’d just be a half hour or so…
he said something to a friend of his, a nice older daddy (looked more like a politician)
and off we went
on the way out
i told Leo i’d be back in a bit
he laughed and said OK
(it was about midnight)
the Black Tulip was further away than i remembered it
but we got there eventually
he took me to his room
third floor walk up
rooms 21,22,23..
i wondered..
we went into 22
he said to me “all your clothes off”
so i took them off
he grabbed me mid way to kiss me a while
then put wrist shackles on me
nipple clamps
and a studded collar
he had it clipped to his belt via Chain
everything in the Black Tulip is a piece of Gear
the wardrobe can be emptied and made a cage
the desk chair has rings all over it for binding someone too
but he just took me to the St. Andrew’s cross
and strapped my arms in
my legs
my waist
my chest (over the nipple clamps: ouch!)
then he put a hood on me.
i’d never been in a hood before
zipper mouth (open)
he pulled the string tight on the back
then he proceeded to light a joint and force me to breathe it
this being part of the scene
i was OK with it
but still trying to minimize my intake
then he started in with the poppers
he could tell this wasn’t really turning me on
so he took off the nip clamps
and fingered my butt
telling me he wanted to fuck me
then he let me bite his beard and lick his chest a bit
released my arms so i could touch him
i was licking him
his underarms
his neck
his chest
i was hard again
and someone called in around the door..
some exchanged happened… in Norwegian
after more licking around eachother
he un-strapped me
and lead me out of his room
… into room 23
his other daddy friend was in there
who had me crouch down
and grab his nipples and work them
while sucking his cock
which was large
and difficult, with that fucking zipper at my lips
but i tried…
while the hot daddy bear was behind me
rubbing my butt
my belly
my butt
the zipper kept getting in my way
it was pissing me off…
the lifted me
and put me on a table
face down
strapped in my arms
legs
middle
all the fucking strapps
then the lawyer daddy slapped me with his hands a bit
with a flogger
the daddy bear sucked my dick a bit
then fed me his
they got tired of having me strapped down
so they undid me
and put the table away
then the daddy bear left
and the lawyer daddy sat on the bed
and had me suck his cock and work his nips
then he threw on a condom and fucked me for a while
huge cock
he had to take it slow
then he really started riding me
i was moaning
it was good
from all the poppers and pot they had been giving me
i was flying
this is leather sex, eh?
he stopped
took of the condom, wiped up a bit
then had me suck him again while working his nips
then
put another one on
and started fucking me again
damn
i was melting
then he layed me on my back on the floor
and sat on my chest
and jacked off on top of me
shooting all over my (hooded) face
then he jacked me off
i didn’t feel i was close at all
but started cumming really quickly
being in passive-boy mode
just letting him have what he wanted
i bucked and moaned all over
lay perfectly still
let him choose when to release me
he undid my wrists
my neck
my hood
and i felt he was embarrassed when he saw my face.
he offered me the shower
so i sat on the toilet a while letting my bowels respond to that huge cock…
then took a nice shower..
and he walked me back over to the daddy bear’s room
and just left
the daddy bear had me suck his cock
for a long long time
he didn’t want to cum
he just worked it and worked it and worked it
i’d lick him all over
and it was a long process of me climbing all over him
and moving his body around
and edging his clothes off
but eventually
i took his boots and socks and leather pants off
lifted his legs up
put my cock on his butt
and rode him like that a while
he really liked it
put our cocks together and rubbed
he really liked that
he’s not a total top
he came back into his human shape
there was cuddling
eventually
i thought he came and so i came on him
he was surprised
but then said
OK
so i sucked him off
he loved it..
i thought of arthur
how he’d just want me to suck him forever
or even not suck him
just hold him in my mouth…
like this guy
who hardly spoke any english
his big smooth norwegian body
he came…
we rested a while, his cock in my mouth
me playing with his foreskin
sucking
sucking
wrapping my tongue with his foreskin
licking
pressing it into the floor and roof of my mouth
just tripping out on his unmutilated cock
flower
hot…
rest
then he was hard again
so i sucked him off again
and then looked at my clock: it was 2:40
i called Leo about 6 times
and figured he was asleep
so i asked the daddy bear i if i could stay and sleep with him..
he said yes… so i did.

i just wrote a lot
caught up with all the days since i’ve been here
came in
and wrote the most recent
wishing to have my heart open
but feeling… Closed.
then i wrote a few days ago
posting
catching up with today
and by the time i got to this morning
i felt happy and appreciative
love
yeah
in love
it’s a way to be
and it’s not dependant on another person..
… though i did get to talk with my friend Joshua on Skype
Yeah!
— everything’s backdated so as not to clog up friend’s lists
click on my face to read my days

i keep noticing how all of the doors are closed here…
is it a fire safety thing?
more likely
a flood safety thing
the story i heard tonight
an old almost-friend
how he went to Gurneville for New Year’s
and the town flooded
the storms
built in a flood plane
yeah
“water level would flood your room, sir”
said the hotel clerk
“if you’re not out of here in an hour, you won’t be able to leave
but you can stay here if you want… there just won’t be any electricity or … anything”
how he was shocked his x-love
was living in england and on the dole
with a guy on the dole
“no body works there, i don’t understand how they can do that”
— ‘ it’s what they aspire to in San Francisco as well ‘
i said
‘ everyone does their best to get labeled “DISABLED”
be it through HIV or insanity or addiction or something
— then the government pays them to stay alive ‘
and he went onto to tell me how a friend of mine
– i didn’t know –
is positive
converted two years ago
and his lover (of 11 years or something)
just converted last year
“he’s really depressed about it”
he said
yeah
whatever the fuck it is, virus
who the fuck knows
but you get it from pressing the boundaries of what you’ve been told you’re allowed to do
try and touch someone with out fear
without walls
try and open up
to have fun
to connect wholly
and you get slapped with some label that means you’re sick
and that you’ll get sick
and sicker
and die a terrible painful death
and if you try to touch anyone openly again
you’ll kill them too
yeah
it’s depressing
what are your options?
take mass amounts of poison every day
to keep yourself at a manageable, expectable level of sickness every day
yeah
great options
thanks for the story
wow
of course
he wanted me to stay the night
but it was too depressing
connected
i reached out
connect
touch him
touch someone
to be Not Alone
what’s there?
we lay in bed and he tells me about his child hood jobs
joining the union
working in a factory
deliverying water to the workers
$12 an hour in the early 70’s!
stoned the whole time
wow, what luck
“it was fabulous”
by some standards, i guess
wow
mediocrity and empty existance sure is swell
he rushed down stairs
my constant presence
what was it? empty or full?
too much for him
he needed his cigarettes
his TV
some show
whatever
“it’s good”
and i was hungry
he offered me chicken he cooked himself on his rotissery
but microwaved it
though i asked him not to
he told me “it’s good; it won’t hurt you”
“this house”
he said
“it had nothing
i’ve been working on it for two years
— they want to buy it from me
… and just tear it down
build something bigger
you know
this is the most expensive land in Amsterdam now
this area
… it’d double my money
— i can buy a house out in bumfuck…
this little house..”
i just couldn’t spend the night
i stood out in the cold
the hail on the ground all around me
waiting for the bus
“Voices Carry” (’til tuesday)
and
“the Shoe Song” (shellac)
so
“good morning captain” (slint)
the bus didn’t go the same route back
the whole city is under construction
so i got off at the Leidseplein
and walked to the Spyker
drank a jaggermister
watched Ren & Stimpy
with another television next to it showing
fisting porn
doing it’s best to show the heavy emotional writhing connection between the two shaved smooth muscle Kens
the walk home was nice
i guess
memories
and i surprised myself by being able to sing the entire “bloody mother fucking asshole” song by Martha Wainwright to myself
… i didn’t even know i knew all the words
then i sang “in my heart” by moby for 10 minutes or so
hoping i wasn’t waking up too many people
it’s late
the lights on the canal
i’m back at the rectory now
and i can’t stop thinking of all the closed doors in amsterdam
white flat doors
in every house
they keep them all closed
and everywhere looks like rooms with no ways out
just turn the handle
(though they all look the same)
is that a closet? a toilet? a bathroom? a kitchen?
noken in de koken?
i’m behind a closed door now
and it’s the end of the day
sleep soon, baby.

groggy
i didn’t want to get of bed
the tired…
but Leo and i were to meet Joeke and Henk
the two men Leo met in NYC when he was 24
who invited him to Amsterdam back in the 70’s…
really sweet (handsome) men
initially i was intimidated and a bit nervous
we sat near the flower market
i had a fried egg sandwich that was leaking yoke everywhere
and a hot chocholate
i felt
ungraceful
but we walked through the city
down that street to the RembrantPlein
such memories!
Daniel!
(laughs)
Rembrant, ah
i got out my camera
for the first time really
snapped a lot of pictures
as we walked over the bridge
into the Waterlooplein
so i could change some money
then over to the Hermitage museum
where Leo wanted to see an exhibit of Art from all them pilgrims from once upon a time
all those dead guys on crosses
all those mothers of pearl
pretty fucking crazy
that christianity stuff
but pretty cool, yeah?
dehydrated
we sat in the cafe
Fresh Mint Tea
like
the plant
in a glass
with hot water
GREAT!
amazing chocolate cake
and nut/pecan torte
not too sweet!
amazing
yum!
stroopwaffels met de Te!
yummmm
but we closed the place
so we walked out
took more pictures
and went to Joeke and Henk’s house
sat and talked for many hours more
Rooibos tea
and red wine
and barenburg
and laughing
and phone calls
wow
phone
friends making plans with me for tomorrow
tomorrow!
smiles everywhere
well
it’s beautiful
snow fallling heavy oustide
into the canal!
beautiful
outside
beautiful
we got back just in time for Robert to be coming in the door
the priest here
i jumped in front of him and unlocked the door for him
he just came in from Istanbul
ah ha
i got some shit together
and ran back out the door to catch the bus…

i have always been attracted to older men
why?
always have
it pissed my friends off
to want to hang out with these dirty old men
to want to hold their bodies in mine
to cradle them
to be held by them.
but i love them
it’s amazing to me
like some great achievement…
to survive… to Live so long
that old flesh
the weight of the years…
i begin to look at it as a reward without knowing it
to get so old
the beard so very long and flowing
the thick furr on the body
long full eyebrows…
ear hair!
all gorgeous
all spectacular
oh, were i able to live that long..
and in the last few years
i smiled thinking of that
me as some 60 year old man
crazy and filled with stories
rambling on
taking the young ones in my arms
now will i ?
have a failed?
do i miss the prize?
damned to dying young
only full of potential
no resolution
and even better
after all the success
to then have the floating silliness of living just to live
having seen all the world shifting and dancing and playing
just laughing at it
grumbling at it
living on anyway?
well, i’d rather die happy and able than miserable as an invalid
but i know many men at 60 who are still very virile and able
it’s not a game where the winner is the last man standing
but i do want my body hair to be peppered with grey
and my skin older
belly
50’s
i want to be able to give my love
in my mentorship
fucking damn it grrrrr
so i must
must change stories
of what people believe
must survive…