traveling and there

i just bought tickets to see Radiohead (and Beck) in Edinburgh
in August.
Wow.
i haven’t seen Radiohead for years…
not since OK computer!
in a small club with bono and madonna and michael stype (i think marilyn manson was there too)
great
fabulous
how am i going to work this into my plans?
small enough world.
got four tickets
with my old school chum Lesley
who else?

i woke up at
what
something like 5 am
was some one trying to break into the room?
why is it so dark?
i’m terrified.
why am i scared
is the door locked?
i miss Leo.
and suddenly all of the energy is all fuct up
i drank some water
and tried to go back to sleep
but i was afraid of the dark
and worse
there were about 8 million voices in my head
this has happened before
sleeping in other people’s beds
and it’s one of the main reasons i hate hotels
: all of the other people’s energy
in my brother’s bed is one thing
sleeping on the buckwheat pillow my mother had used for a while
i could hear her thoughts… her dreams
could hear his
clear as a fucking radio
playing in my head
it was interesting, certainly
but hard for sleep
here
laying on my back in the dark
i could hear german
spanish
no idea what the fuck they’re saying
mostly german
barking
it was really loud
and then some english
and it was all so fucking irritating
i just wanted to sleep
meanwhile
there were people banging around in the next room
maybe they had just got home from partying
i don’t know
but i was paranoid and scared and tired and confused
i went to sleep with the candle burning
it dripped down the plastic bottle
all gone now
just me in the dark.
i try reiki shit
energy movement
it’s all stale
i’m just impotent in the dark.
ok
so i go back to sleep
but it’s not sleep for a long time
it’s dreams of Leo and travel and work with the world
dreams i often dream
dreams that make me tired
the dream was something like this:
miss leo
dream
perfect place for swimming
clean water
drink
two other guys
one so charasmatic
jokes
amazing experiences
i keep hiding
want to be on my own
feeling i could be missing something
but Leo always finds me again
i jotted that down when i woke, but have forgotten the details
eventually
i wake again
and it’s 11
which is good
i really needed to fucking sleep
but my body hurts
and i don’t feel like i can move
ugh
what’s going on?
drinking last night
2 X 1
not such a good idea
or was it the daddies?
i don’t know
but i’m tired
and wasn’t that guy supposed to call me at 10?
s’ok he didn’t
i just need to rest.
i move around slowly.
use the toilet
squeeze the lemon i bought in santiago… or was that burgos?
barcelona? …
still got it
squeezed it into a glass and poured that into my water
lemon day, thanks.
spend the day sitting at the computer
wondering where i’m going to go tomorrow
as the guy in granada got in an accident and has his leg in bandages
so i can’t visit him right now
( i fear for my friends sometimes )
Malaga?
Cordoba?
no contacts in Lisbon yet.
a massage client here in Madrid next week
but i don’t want to stay here for a week
no response back from Cadiz..
i spend a few hours looking through Silverdaddies
just distracted by all the hot guys
i don’t get my objectives done
when my battery dies
( i get a better signal out in the hall table )
but i carry the computer back to bed and plug it in and push it to the edge
got an OK signal
so continue to wrap up some of the SD stuff
then start tweeking my little home page a bit
writing letters
contacts.
contacts.
talk on skype for a while
chat
talk
sister
mother
alan
leo
chat chat
a few other calls that don’t go through
and dennis
but i am hungry now
lemon water almost gone
and it looks like a grey day outside
what should i do?
go to the turkish embassy?
go to the daddy bar?
go to find a laundry?
it would be nice to wash some clothes…
hours are clicking by
i decided i would feel better if i wrote for a while.
so i wrote for a while
but it wasn’t enough
just up til here
just scattered a bit
and it took forever to leave the room
but i pulled myself together
so fucking hungry
and as i got dressed
i remembered the orange and tangerine i had grabbed from the bars last night!
so i ate them
and
oh my god
i don’t remember the last time fruit tasted so good!
leo was surprised i wasn’t eating fruit
and it wasn’t really attractive to me
all that cold weather
i just wanted meat and cheese
but it’s getting warmer now
yes
fruit
oh..
but i do need something heavier, right
so i go out to see if i can find a laundry mat
i walk up and down the streets
trying to suss it out, understand the layout
this whole place is so fucking commercial
is it a neighborhood
those two boys just came back from washing their clothes! or shopping..
i can’t speak spanish anyway
they look at me like a freak
which of course i am: they’re gay boys
they’re probably terrified.
so i get a falafel from Falafel King
which at least has real lamb
the Döner i had there last night was lovely
the falafel is rewarmed in a microwave
but ok
i pay and walk around
still looking
the air in cities smells so bad
the noise
and all this color and light…
i walk around and around
the idea of eating and walking is a bad one
i’m getting sauce all over me
and i remember i was supposed to meet that oh-so-handsome man at the bar tonight
oh
do i want to do that?
i don’t want to do that
look at all these beautiful people in Chueca square!
wouldn’t it be nice if i were spanish
or cosmopolitan
and i could sit in the square too?
talking in spanish
looking smart
at a table
look at that sexy man at the table
his big belly!
his bottle of beer!
[poured in a glass to drink]
look at those cute kids
sitting on the ground against the closed shop
look at all the imaginings
yeah
i’ll meet him at the bar
i walk in
and there he is
he’s right there
he smiles and waves
i’m on time
we’re on time
i go to get a beer
but i don’t want beer
i don’t want alcohol
and they don’t have dark beer
so i get nothing
go back over to him
and talk
but tonight it’s harder
because he’s been drinking longer?
because his friend is there..
some beautiful boy speaking spanish
like i can’t
and this beautiful man can’t speak english
(though he lived in brooklyn for two months)
that beautiful boy is partnered to…
the beautiful bear from Manchester i’d talked with on line (who didn’t call me)
so there is some awkward tension
they offer me a cigarette
which i
of course
turn down
the recant
and accept
it tastes terrible
i’m not even inhaling
gross.
we’re talking
we’re friends now
and it’s all about sex
sex makes friends
that’s the kind of boy i like
just make a suggestion and he’s down on his knees
i’m not saying i’m the biggest slut in the world
but i’m up there among them
and i’m not adverse to getting on my knees and sucking off 7 guys
you’re like a kid in a candy store
i am i am
it’s like a flute
flautus
but his is like a trombone!
bwaaaa
and that really cute round faced full bearded guy is looking at me
ever so shy
can’t keep eye contact
but he’s fascinated.
how do i make friends?
and that other guy
who looks nice enough
but just really really really wants me to go down stairs and have sex with him
and i don’t want to be here
don’t like the smoke
don’t want a beer
can’t speak spanish
don’t want to have sex
it goes on a while
and they like me more and more
but it is really time for me to be going
there’s a long battle to make the beautiful man, Jakobo
understand that i am going to be gone all week
maybe i’ll see him friday?
but he teaches sociology at some college and usually comes here after class thursday
Friday, after massage
i say
i say
got a client on Friday
at this point
it’s just OK
i hug the beautiful Manchesterian
[who just got back from traveling for 10 weeks with his skinny and pretty boy friend… around east asia… everyone has to go to the Babylon Sauna in Bangkok… it is The Place! … and Ancor… must see Ancor… they didn’t make plans… just rode on the back of trucks… got to where they were going… didn’t see other europeans for 3 weeks! wow! no matter how amazing my life is i will always envy others, damnit]
i walk outside
and the meagerly attractive guy who was energetically begging me for sex runs after me
i explain i’m hungry (but not for that)
and don’t speak spanish
he speaks no english
and explains he’s sorry we couldn’t play
and
GOOD NIGHT!
i walk back to the Falafel King to get my Second Course:
Döner Kebab
i order it
and look over
there’s this big guy with a beard
tall guy, husky
he’s standing there drinking a water
he looks utterly lost
he’s wearing a ball state t-shirt
ball state is in Muncie… an hour from where i grew up
we do what’s needed
i say it to him
“i grew up and hour from Muncie”
he looks at me
those big lost eyes fixing on something
fixing on me
for a moment
coming to shore
“are you from there?”
it takes a while to get answers out of him
and i’m not pushing
i don’t know why i’m talking to him
i’m not really cruising him
i’m just here.
different than last night
different than an hour ago
a woman running the counter
three old men
grandpappis to be sure
they hand me my sandwich
OH, OK
i sit to eat it
(it’s so fucking good! the bread perfectly toasted, nice oil.. the young lamb meat, fresh vegetables, sauce… texture and warmth perfect, crispy..)
he
orders
something
and
he
sits
next
to
me
and
he
talks.
we talk.
we talk for a while
eventually
he’s from southern california
moved to Ohio when he was 5
then indiana
somewhere in there
it’s hard for him to go back
could never live there again
i know
“lived in the bay area for 8 years”
queer?
“now i’m in atlanta”
just arrived that morning
his ATM card got locked coz he didn’t tell them he was traveling
and
he had only $5 on him
trouble
sometimes we got trouble
his hands are shaking terribly..
is it too much coffee?
is it DT?
is it a past of crank?
or a high school foot ball injury?
i wonder
but am not ready to ask him
i’m just listening
and i tell him my plans
and when i say i’m going to Bearcelona
he says he’ll be there too
so
ok, buddy
here’s my mobile number
(but he’s even having trouble with that)
i’m a neighbourly guy
a good hoosier christian
reaching out my hand
blessings
should i go back to the bar?
no
no
i just go home
and it’s an hour later than i thought
some how the time got screwed up on my phone when i was walking Leo through fixing his.
damn near midnight
and i have to travel tomorrow
go to sleep bud
oh
but i meant to do that photo project for Dennis
which involves…
silverdaddies and eurowoof somehow
and everyone in portugal
and emails from last week
and reading friends journals
and about radiohead some more
and watching videos
somehow
it’s 4 am by the time i’m all finish
but i did edit some good face pictures
will i have internet in the next week?
maybe i’ll post some face pictures if i do…
right now
i fucking need to get to sleep.

dominicvine
oh.
dominicvine.
dominic vine of the owls.
right.
so
it’d be like this:
of the lord . the greatest effort . of the owls.
how would we say it?
the greatest effort of the Lord, guided by the owls?
manifest as the Owls?
what?
Sowa.
= Owl 
in polish.
Sowa
the town Niccolas Coppurnicus came from
some dinky place outside of Krakow
my father’s Father’s Parents came from there.
my surname is
Sowinski.
family of owls.
when the idea of surnames came into use in europe
it took a while to get to poland (started in Britain) 
by the time it got to Poland
all the Folk took their names from Animals or Vegetables (my fathers’s mother’s mother was a Petrushca, her cousin a Peddish… which i don’t know, but Petruscha is a Parsnip)
the Jews were named after Minerals; this convention was also used in Germany.
however
i didn’t know this
growing up in bleached Indiana
beautiful land devoid of culture
when i asked what “Sowinski” was 
they said
“it doesn’t mean anything. it’s just a name. names don’t mean anything”
knowing this to be false
i gave up using Sowinski until i could identify it.
meanwhile
a lover i had met gave me the name Vine
vine?
Muin, actually
from the Gaelic…
the Celtic Oghams
a druidic system of communication
calendar, sign language, magick, alphabet, numbers
i was obsessed with the Futhark for a few years…
the Scandinavian runic system
and my name was Nick/Nicky when i was a child
everything that was an N belong to me
thus
Nintendo, etc…
with the Futhark, the letter N was “Nyd” : Limits (constrains, pain)
basically all about being a limited being… as i only wanted to be an infinite being
it was painful for me
and i felt like i needed to focus on it to learn to be a Good Human.
the symbol for Nyd is a vertical line with a diagonal going through it,  bottom right to top left
the symbol for the ogham Muin was the exact same symbol
the funny this is, the rest of the Futhark doesn’t particularily look like that
but most of the oghams do
just lines intersecting in various ways
the druids would communicate through sign off their noses or shins…
anyway
when my lover randomly gave me the name of Vine
( i was being a bitch and making him come up with a name to call me )
i studied it
and found these similarities
as well as how Vine is multicoloured, always changing (the rest all have one colour they are)
and how it is not a parasite, like the Ivy, but doesn’t ever grow on its own
the vine grows on larger trees
yet produces it’s own fruit
and 
over time
knits an entire forest together
Ah
and so
i do indeed love big vines in the forest
and this felt like the perfect metaphore for me….
so
for a while i was just Vine
everyone knew me as Vine
then just in Faery circles
but still
it stuck
and i took the name Dominic Vine 
those who knew me as Dominic knew that
those who knew me as Vine saw that
and the sowinski was forgotten about
until i met  a polish girl who explained that other stuff i already told you about
and then i was interested in it again
but how do i say it?
Dominic Vine Sowinski?
no
of the owls
much nicer, yes?
coz americans don’t know what a Sowinski is…
however
the greatest effort of the lords, guided by the owls
is just too pretentious a name to use
so i mostly just use Dominic Vine
but
dominic vine of the owls 
in certain places sounds nice
don’t you think?

woke near noon
empty room.
feels Odd now that Leo’s gone
like i don’t understand why i’m here
never in hotels by myself
i have to push through that
so i muck about with things
set up the computer
and set about to finish off the stuff left open
close things down
.. gonna meet up with that german guy today at 2
and time wore on quite quickly
and the computer was so fucking tired (i’d not restarted it in a month)
that it started locking up: clock gone
my watch beeped it was 2 already
so i had to run!
but it was only a minute or two from the hostal
and he had just got there himself
so great
it was a beautiful sunny day
here i am
whoever i am
wherever i am
J takes me to Vesuvius
good pizza
fresh made
got mine with spinach, garlic, egg and mushrooms
it was really good
then what?
walk through the park?
he takes me for a walk
it’s a nice long walk
there’s a really fucking big park in Madrid
funny
the historical stuff is fake, though
but the park is beautiful
and everyone’s cruising
or high on something
or…
straight.
poor straight world.
anyway
i pee in some bushes
we sit on a bench
he says it’s time we got back to his place to have sex
so ok
he walks me back there
nice new area of town to see
road work everywhere
and it’s all very pragmatic, of course
but it’s nice
he’s a very sexy guy
great furry bigness
he doesn’t like his body so much though
and that always makes it less fun
some sort of disconnect
and then it’s like three hours of talking politics
and damn
i love germany
but talking politics with a German about the war and the US current president
and national pride and how people get convinced to do terrible things
it’s not a fun conversation in any way
and i keep glancing out the window thinking
shouldn’t i be out enjoying a new city?
so i decide it’s time to go
but i’m locked in
have to walk back up
beautiful old building
wood steps
and the first flight is all worn down…
he lets me out
and i walk my way
simple enough
through the city
back to Chueca
simple
i’m going to go have a beer
a nice rich beer
then i’m going to sleep for an hour or so
then i’m going to go back out
explore some other bars maybe, yeah
but i go to HOT
and the place is empty…
i decide to buy a beer anyway
2 for one, you know
2 X 1
i sit and drink and look through the gay rags
maps
try and figure out that daddy bar martin had told me about
where is it?
people start to trickle in
and i notice potato chips and beer go really well together
so i get my second beer
and there is this kinda old daddy guy kinda cruising me
and he goes down stairs
so i go down too
but he looks kinda boring
and on the porn TV
is H.C.
a guy i saw in porn about four years ago and fell in love with
well
lust
sucked his dick eventually
played with him … oh, it’s all too clandestine, i’m not going to mention
L.A.!
what can i do?
if Leo were here i could point and laugh and say “i sucked his dick!”
his big hands
H looks like he’s sleepy, underwater, disconnected or confused in this video
as far as i know he likes boys
and this is a daddy video
maybe he’s bored?
there’s a cute kinda chubby boy sitting next to me
i ask him if he speaks english
and he does
so i tell him:
That guy? — i sucked his dick.
i tell him a little of the story
and we get to talking
he’s a sweetie
airline attendant, you know
and down comes a rollypolly dark skinned short chubby guy
so cute
so the boy goes up stairs
and the boring daddy goes up
and the rollypolly and i look at eachother
and go into a cabin together and play for a while
he’s Irving from the Dominican Republic
i just had to write that. Irving.
he’s so cute
and we squeeze eachother and lick eachother all over in the red light
you know what i love best about fast food sex?
making it an epic.
standing up sex
i hold him
and the hottest thing about it
what makes the soft moaning
is his head against my chest
which stays there longer than five minutes
not too quick
(though he does cum twice)
when he leaves
i go back up
and now the bar is filled with beautiful men!
wow!
and there is this very beautiful man
very beautiful
and we’re looking at eachother
i’m shy
i’m coy
but not that coy
we start talking
he speaks no english
though he lived in Brooklyn for two months spread out over two years
he tells me
and yeah
i understand
we are
after all
having a conversation
the cute boy bops by real quick
their friends
we all make jokes and talk a bit
he says his name over and over
but i’m missing it
Joacquim… but not like that at all
there’s the growl in there somewhere
starts with a J/G, but kinda hard
i can’t get it
maybe i’m too drunk already?
we’re very friendly and smiling
but he grabs me
he takes me down stairs
and we go at eachother like…
well
he’s beautiful
what can i say?
Professoré
licking everywhere
the hugging
the depth of it all
the desire
well he wishes
but he gets
and over and over
the way bodies can fit together
damnit
i just wanted a beer
exhausted
he’s gotta meet a friend for dinner, it’s his (friend’s) birthday
i stay down stairs a bit
watching the hot fat-guy porn
big furry guys
never ever have i been in a bar before that plays fat/old bear porn like this
this is the same bar, HOT, that played the Pulp album a few days ago
or was that yesterday?
oh, and now they’re playing Beck’s Guero
this place is fucking great
and i’m sitting on the stool
but over there
a boy is over zealous about seducing a daddy
the daddy looks almost embarrassed
maybe he’s just playing coy?
but he’s a sexy daddy
really big belly
thick legs
the boy keep grabbing his cock
must be something to hold on to
i’m tired and want to go home
but the daddy is looking at me
he’s staring me in the eyes
between flirting and playing with the boy
so i go and sit on the other side of him
put my hand near where he could touch it
but he doesn’t
though he makes himself open to me
odd energy here
but it’s attractive…
his face is heavy
not just wrinkled
but deep and fat
big heavy lips
bags under the eyes
shaven
big old grandpapa face
big hands
rings on
laughs like a farmer
he takes the boy by the hand and takes him back into a cabin
the same one i’d been in with Irving and Jacaswoeoosomething.
the boy closes the door
but the daddy opens it
enough so i can see
looks at me
and then they start playing
the daddy makes sure he’s on the side where i can see him clearly through the door
and i’m really hard at this
it’s so hot
the daddy is kinda performing for me
and it goes on quite a while
before he makes the boy eat his butt
and he grabs my hand and puts it on his cock
not his cock
that’s not the important thing, his hand says
but the balls
and his cock is nice, not long, but nice and thick, pointed
but the balls are huge
big fucking daddy bull balls
huge.
i hold them while he pushes against the boy’s tongue
and there’s mock fucking (daddy topping boy, of course)
and lots of sucking
but obviously the daddy isn’t really all that turned on to the boy
other people come to watch
push the door open forcefully
stupid fucks
don’t they know there are bodies in there and they’re fucking up the energy!
i push them away
they grab at my cock
i push them away
i have to walk away
i come back and move in slightly
petting the daddy’s butt and back
squeezing his muscles a bit…
another big bellied daddy is watching me in the hall
but doesn’t want me to touch him
fine
i’m watching the daddy in the booth
and he’s keeping eye contact
how long does this go on?
an hour or more?
until the daddy opens the door
and invites me in
the boy isn’t too thrilled
but the daddy is
and the daddy wants to try out my mouth
of course
he is amazed
pretty impressed
i can feel it coming up so quick
so he makes me suck the boy a while
who has a long thin dick
i do it for daddy
then i stand up
and the daddy wants me to fuck the boy
places my dick there
the boy’s body tells me he doesn’t want it
so i fake it
would have anyway
fake it for the daddy
who’s getting his dick sucked
must not be very well
coz he can do it and do it
most guys are lousy cock suckers.
the daddy pulls me back over
strokes me
likes it
has me suck him more
this goes on a while
it’s funny
he’s wanking himself
holding on to me
and when he’s ready
he pushes the boy away
and pushes me down onto his cock to get his milk
well, thanks daddy
thanks
when it’s over
(I cum, pull it up inside my self, pressed up against him)
we start talking
which…
i cannot participate in
so they say good bye to me
and i go back upstairs
too much
too fucking much
i go round the corner to el Paso bar
which J had told me was good
but i don’t like it
and down my two beers as quickly as i can
thanks
no thanks
i stumble out
oh shucks
i’m pretty drunk now
up the street
i see a place called “Falafel King”
and i have been looking in all these Turkish restaurants for real lamb
this one looks like it’s got it
so i buy one
and it’s so fucking good
food orgasm
i’m sure it’s all over my face
i stumble out
and walk around a bit
walk the food off a bit
fine
i go back to the hostal
and sit a bit on the computer
i think i called Arthur, poor guy
to have to talk with me drunk
did i talk with my mom too?
Leo on his transit almost home…
stuck in the SFO airport waiting for the last leg of his flight up to Eureka…
but really i’m too tired
so i put myself to bed before 2..

but i didn’t get it done
the ljbook page was fuct up somehow
having troubles contacting the lj servers
so i couldn’t make the book
which is fine
because this day wasn’t in there yet
and the two days previous..
and the two days after
what is a story about being with someone
when it’s not capped by absence
which is a limit
a skin
which creates the body of a relationship
the time you spent with someone..
the last CD finished burning with a little “ding”
toast popped up
it was enough to wake Leo at 3:18
i flipped on the light
and it was normal
you know
time to go
he’s getting dressed
i’m really fucking tired
the tired of sauna and alcohol and walking and traveling
and he’s groggy
but he slept an hour
he’s got his stuff together
getting it together
but i remember to give him an extra AIRBORNE for the plane
and change his SIM card back to the USA
and i have to get dressed
to walk him down to wait for the shuttle
he goes to the toilet
and the phone rings
15 minutes early.. but the guy is calling us
prattling on in spanish
i have no idea what he’s saying
try to assure him
and hang up
off we go
out the door
down the stairs
the desk guy says something
says something
in his presence
i understand he’s saying
that the shuttle can’t park
so it just keeps driving around the block
so Leo rushes out
calls the elevator
i give the desk guy the key
he asks if i’ll be coming right back
i say “yes”
and we head down
outside
empty streets.
cop cars pass by
night people
walking
empty.
i put on Leo’s big coat
up his collar
furr in my view
he calls me Kenny
and here comes the shuttle
like tearing reality apart
sure
he loads his stuff in the back
there are two other sleepy people in the van already
the driver is all business
i give Leo his coat
i give him a hug
and he climbs in
lights off
van pulls away
Ok.
maybe i will go get a drink
or walk in the night air
i approach the turn for Infantes
and there is the same asian lady that was there hours ago when we were coming home from the bar
her card board boxes
plastic bag
crowning the can of beer or soda; candy bars
but this time it’s not a friendly good night
this time she asks me in a meek way if i’d like
Cerveza?
Comida?
i say no
more with my body
and head towards the bar to see if it’s still open.
—
strange
to walk by that lady on the corner again at 4am
she’s been standing there since 1
probably before
and how much longer?
she didn’t have a computer to play with
south park to watch
Leo to cuddle with
she just stood there?
offering Cerveza y Comida to any passer-by?
i walked passed her
down the street
but the bar was closed
so i walked back
but this time
i rounded her
not looking at her
imaging her a kiosk… some building she was housed in, was she
was her card board box and plastic bag
headed up the street
yeah
i can sleep now.
lucky me.
but back in the hotel room
now with Leo gone
the whole place seems so strange
is it desperate or just foreign?
my stuff strewn around
the linoleum…
all in all and all in all
stick a bee’s wax candle in an empty… water bottle
have a little flame to carry me to sleep.
*************************************
woke
water
no breakfast
rushing around
yeah
breathe
orange juice
Madrid: boring.
trouble finding sauna
sauna.
convenience store
trouble finding dinner
dinner.
HOT
incredibly cute
possessive guy still on the hunt
ugh
PULP!
incredibly cute
home
south park
conversation
snoring
burning
writing.

we both
seriously
need rest
we slept
we woke
we slept more
at around 11
i think
i crawled in bed with Leo
we just cuddled
tired
the thick blue shiny curtains keeping out the light
the double doors keeping out the sound
no.. the heavy shutters keeping out the sound and light!
the rolling shutter like they have in Stuttgart
there to keep out hail
here to keep out heat
i gather
the room is a cool dark cave
we get out of bed around noon
open
let the light in
look at maps
what are we going to do today?
stagger outside
have to leave the key at the desk, si
food food food
no
no food
just a coffee
ok
we go into a fancey little cafe on Hortaleza
Leo gets a coffee and pastry
my body can´t take anything like that now
i have fresh squeezed orange juice
i drink it really slowly
we sit and talk as he drinks and eats
looking at the people outside
the big glass window
looking in at us
such handsome men here
when Leo is done
i still have half my glass left
i down it and we head out
… the notice that the waiter had taped the menu the the window for the passers-by
upside down
we tell him
no spanish
he understands
and thanks us.
now where do we go?
i have the map
how about that Monastery first?
we amble down the big shopping street
cut off
and head to the monastery..
but it JUST closed about 15 minutes ago for Siesta
oh, sorry about that.
the square..
i get a bad feeling about the homeless people here
this city is strange..
we look down a shaded street
and see a steeple
and that´s … generally, the direction of the Cathedral
so we go there…
another old church
we go in
nice
small
ok
nothing as beautiful as compared to anything we´ve seen elsewhere
so we spend some time in there
Leo nodding his appreciation at a mass happening in a Chapel
then we head off
continuing on the street
a boy sitting on the corner
two cans of beer next to him
an angry look
his hand held out
we walk by and head up the street
almost every shop is church goods!
monstrances
vestments
crosses and tabernacles and eucharist boxes
geeze
Leo is loving it
i´m still having a little trouble stomaching all the dead guy stuff
mmmm, dead guy
roasted
hmmm
we break free of that street
and head to the Plaza Mayor
which isn´t really all that beautiful
and is obviously the tourist place
though i am pretty hungry now
we’re certainly not going to eat here.
where’s the cathedral?
we walk down the street
is that it?
no…
Ah, there it is
huge
looming..
ok
we cross the street
take the steps up
past the beggars
and into the church..
it´s huge
i think it´s the largest height roof i´ve seen yet
but it´s very bland
maybe a hundred years old
probably not that old
not really very interesting
bland
i have to pee
so i let Leo look around
and i run around looking for a toilet
none in there
so i go outside
none right around
i go down the street towards the park
but nothing there
just straight dutch people talking with eachother…
have i ever seen straight dutch people before?
it seems a shame
straight dutch people
they look so… odd…
tight…
their language
even that isn´t as fun as i usually enjoy hearing it
hmmm
but i can´t pee here
because they´re here
otherwise
i could just let go in the grass
ok
fine
i go back up to the cathedral
and notice the palace beyond
OK
i go in
toilets
yes!
but they are behind the entrance plaza..
i don´t have to pay
but they give me a ticket
… and i have to go through security.
so i take off my belt
my jacket
my camera
argh!
put it through the x-ray
and run into the toilets
Thank You.
so
i´m inside
maybe i should look around?
i walk out into the courtyard
i can’t help it: i´m just not interested.
so i head down
back out
and Leo calls me
.. i answer and tell him to meet me outside
in a minute
and when we meet
he tells me how utterly boring that cathedral was
liked one altar piece…
and what shall we do now?
i look at the map
and we head up
toward the opera
maybe one of these buildings is the Turkish Embassy?
i need to get my visa…
don´t see it
they all look like embassies, though..
we head down the street to another small plaza
and there is turkish food here…
not the embassy
but i´m hungry
and Leo agrees to eat here.
unfortunately
it´s bad gyros
super processed
not so tasty.
there are good kebaps.. and not so good ones
this missed the mark.
but we have our falafel and showarma and beer
and decide to head to the sauna Principe
it is not shown on the new gay map
though the address is different than the Spartacus address
we assume it´s in the same area: on Principe street..
we walk down a road
into the Puerta del Sol
big square thing.. all under construction
through that
past The House Of Pork!
though it´s called something in spanish
amazing
huge pieces of dried pig hanging from the cieling everywhere
gleaming glories of sausage in the window
hm..
get to principe
and .. .the sauna is not there anymore..
so where is this new address?
it´s probably just small side street
we walk around and around looking for it
no sauna
but beautiful
beautiful beards
beautiful eyes
bellies
hmm
when we find that suana
i´m sure we´re into for a wonderful feast
but where the fuck is it?
we ask people
look at maps.
No.
mmm
ok.
i remember passing an internet cafe
so we walk back
find the internet
i look up the address on line
and
Ah,
it´s just north of where we ate the mediocre Kebap
Ah.
damn.
s´ok.
we walk
back through the Puerta del Sol
this time up a different street
past the big statue of the bear eating the madrona berries
north of Gran Via
we have to find San Bernardo
and there it is
but i get distracted and get us lost in a maze of chinatown streets
that´s not what we want.
grrr..
we head back to San Bernardo
but now that´s another big street
it takes me a while to get oriented again
and then we to
Terrazata de Beatas
donde esta?
there is a Terrazata
and it´s a million stairs heading up
Leo doesn´t like stairs
so we go up the hill round the back
and i tell him to wait for me in the square while i scout ahead
so he doesn´t have to walk up hill so much if he doesn´t have to
he´s tired
he´s ok with that
so we do.
and yes
this is it!
i´ve found it!
a little yellow sign poking out into the street saying
“Principe”
i go back and fetch Leo
and we go in..
not expensive
nice hot sauna
showers
large hot steam room
there is this lecherous old man
desicated from meds
and constaly grabbing at me and pushing at me
i have to dodge him over and over again
and the first guy i touch in the steam room
he´s kinda like a mexican
but much too pushy for me right now
Slow Down, boys…
it´s all kinda a blur
i know i played with someone
i forgot who
i forgot everything about it
did he take a piece of my mind?
did i lose my life
snatched in some lechery i wasn´t aware of?
then i saw this big bear that i thought was hot
and familiar
somehow
through eye-glancing
and suggestion
we got eachother in a room
and played a while
he really liked my butt
and i liked everything about him
he was just working to make me cum
letting me enjoy the ride
but clear where he was going
upon destination
we tried to talk with eachother in bad spanish
then realized he was from London, and i..
we´ll
we’d been talking on line years ago
so we chatted for a while
talked about things
seems he´s a conesseur of saunas
when i told him my travel plans
he told me all the great saunas to go to..
and saunas are OK
but really i´ve only been going to them with Leo..
they aren´t my thing…
right?
i tell him i´m going to Turkey
he says it´s a waste of time
no good sauanas there…
.. hopefully there´s something more interesting in Turkey than saunas..
i don´t know
we play a bit more
then separate
out on the hunt again
i see a big man that look almost egyptian or something..
i go and sit with Leo for a while and talk in the bar
drink some water
a pitcher of water out for us to drink
good..
but i can´t sit with him long
apparently he´s had plenty of fun and just needs to rest
but i want that egyptian guy
i go and find him
he´s interested
so we go into a cabin
and he´s just a big bodied latin male
and he´s very forceful
and he does his thing
it´s nice to watch in the mirror
and when he cums
it´s over
and he´s gone
well
ok then.
i walk out of there
and see this old guy
he smiles at me
and take me into his room
a much bigger cock than the much bigger body guy
who was not egyptian, just spanish from Toledo..
this daddy
probably in his late 60s
he just wants me to suck his dick
which is very nice
and i take him to the edge a few times
before sliding down that water fall with him
it´s nice
and he enjoys how much i´m enjoying his body
licking him all over
he tells me he needs a little rest
then wants to go again
ok
i´m gonna go get some water
but i walk out the door
and am pulled into another cabin immediately by a shaved-face very furry daddy
thick corse fur
he´s italian and spanish
he speaks no english
but he tells me that we are friends..
can we be friends?
just me and him?
yeah, i guess so
we play
but he doesn´t want to cum..
he takes me out of there
into the steam room
apparently
just to show off
because he wants to have sex with me there
but not let me touch or be touched by anyone else
not even look at anyone else
ok
this is annoying
he wants all my attention
what´s his birthday?
oh, he´s a Leo! how nice..
fuck you.
i leave
and he tracks me down
convinces me to go to another room with him
and i do
but he doesn´t want to cum
he just wants to monopolize my time
and he tells me i must spend the evening with him
which i tell him is impossible
it´s my last night with my friend who´s leaving tomorrow
no, he says
you must spend the night with me
at that
i leave him
and tell him to fuck off
i take a shower
and then see the old man i played with earlier getting ready to leave
asks if i will go again with him
oh yes!
fun
not posession, thanks
so we go back
and have another good ole time
(grin)
then i´m ready to go
so i head to the sauna and spend some time sweating
stretching
resting
cold shower
and go to find Leo
who´s talking with some fascinating syphony conductor
yes yes
ok
i´ll wait a while
they get another beer
so i wait
while the posessive italian guy keeps trying to convince me to go with his hot self
(fuck you)
pursing his lips at me
swaying his head
smiling
No.
i leave the bar
and go to get dressed
tell Leo i will meet him outside
breathe the air..
and try and figure out how to set up my Movistar voicemail..
change the language to english and get it sorted
walk down the street
and then Leo is there..
We head out
back to San Bernardo
and towards Gran Via
i´m starving for electrolytes again
so we stop into a little shop…
just a juice
and some water
and the girl at the desk is flipping the fuck out
she´s going crazy at this british kid
simple misunderstanding
but apparently
she´d had enough all day
she´d going nuts
and Leo is taken aback
we´re both just wishing we could get throug there fast
i try and facilitate by offering change
but she´s just rushing and pushing
Leo says
“she reminds me of Bridget”
oh come now
we walk down the street
and i look up a the sky
You know what´s going on with her, Leo?
it´s her Period
new moon
gotta have compassion for the girls
she should be home sleeping
or in a forest chilling out
not having to deal with stupid people
but yeah
freaked out..
we walk down the street
and i notice this really beautiful man
with long hair a big bushy beard
Leo
how come i never see men like that in america?
unless they´re crazy homeless people..
or Nayland…
he does look a lot like Nayland´s current look
clothes are a bit more on the conservative side
my eyes stay on him
and as we come to a phone booth
he turns quickly on it
sticks his fingers in the change slot
then screams at it
and starts banging the receiver up and down
Oh.
He IS a crazy homeless guy.
well, ok.
we head back towards the hotel
get some warmer clothes on
and head out to the restaurant that J recommended to me earlier today
gave me vague directions
but i think i can find it
we walk down Infantes
and up Liberdad..
but where from here?
now his directions fail
and Leo and i split up
looking for the restaurant that “obviously serves Galician food”
nothing in site…
maybe we´ll walk down that block one block further?
ok, maybe just to that next place, yeah..
and there it is
probably…
J told us the guy who ran the place looked like a Farmer
which was enough of a reccomendation for me.
and it was
there was a big table of guys in there
otherwise empty
we got a table against the wall in the corner
and the waitress (wife?) spoke no english
what is this meat? this fish?
she gives us a food translation card
ah…
Leo asks what that dish is
she brings out a Huge chunk of meat
oh oh oh
OK he´ll get that
it´s Veal.
i get Cordero
we get wine.
it’s good
we share
we talk
but Leo wanted to have The Conversation About Us here
thinking it would be a quiet restaurant
but another table of business men have come in
and both of the tables have had enough drink
now they are very loud
so we just chat
eat
and go
walking back through the Chueca square
lots of kids out drinking and talking in the cool night air
we decide we´ll have a night-cap at the HOT bar we´d been told about last night
so we walk back down to Infantes
and head in…
what´s that?
they´re playing Pulp´s last album
all the way through
we drink strong whiskeys
Leo´s Friedel is there from last night
and there are some incredibly cute bear dolls by the window
incredibly cute!
i took a picture
but it´s just a blur
one kinds reminds me of Urso..
it´s the glasses
it´s the transformation of quiet nerd boy
into the hottest most adorable bear
… well, to look at..
that mouth! those glasses!
that thick beard
stocky body
so so cute…
and his friend is even shorter than he
tatoos all over
different beard, more like mine
but short, of course
we smile and wave at eachother
Hello..


drink drink
Pulp is playing
i´m dancing
i´m so happy
somehow
Madrid has escaped from what most gay bars everywhere suffer from:
Diana Ross (or is it Summers? or both?) and the Village People
they aren´t playing some corporate blend of pop hits from the 70´s and 80´s
they have real people with CDs
playing music they like
it´s so nice.
and these men are beautiful..
and look
over there
is that posessive daddy from the sauna
fuck him anyway
he smiles
as he comes up from the dark room down stairs
tht´s right, buddy
i hug Leo
and i´m glad he´s with me.
but that´s enough
it´s 1am
and Leo´s gotta catch his shuttle at 4am…
so we head back to the Hostal…
on the way back
there is a girl on the street corner
selling beer, i guess
and candy bars?
maybe cigarettes
i wave at herr
Bueno Noches
she echos back in her quiet small voice
and a smile..
up in the room
i had downloaded the South Park episode about The Return of Chef
coz i had read about it in Nayland´s journal
so i tell Leo we have to watch it together…
we do
and we´re both laughing
and shocked
which is good
what the fuck?
i´m glad there are people like that in the world…
making that shit..
then Leo and i cuddle up
and we have our Conversation
what to say
it always comes back to the same thing
i have my understandings about things
my understandings are always fixed and closed
but they do grow
slowly
we just communicate
mercury being direct again
it works better
he lets me know how he feels
as do i
and we hold eachother a while
now it´s 2
so i let him sleep
while i sort through the photos
and burn him three CDs of all the photos i took on the trip with him
i intented to finish writing about our trip
and get a .pdf LJbook of it
but i didn´t have time for that
and the LJbook server was having trouble anyway
but it was nice to sit there on my computer
so fucking tired
but trying to do stuff for him..
while he lay there
snoring
last time i´d hear him snoring for a while..
i woke Leo at 3
and he got ready
continued…

“love in the shadows
was never hard to find”
in the darkness
i can
grab
a big
round
furry body
he can
put
me
inside of him
i don’t know what his face looks like
i’m doing something for him
something he wants
what am i doing?
what does he want?
nothing makes sense
but that’s just the world.

as happens
we slept in
even later
even later than before.
woke around 10
and were so sluggish about getting out
that we skipped eating anything entirely
last day in the city
gotta catch a train at 13:36
or something
so we were driven
Leo had some shopping to do
and wanted to attend mass
.. i wanted to walk through the park
and see if i had found anything for Madrid.
we walked to the main square together
and separated there
i walked down a street i’d never taken
and
wouldn’t ya know it
there was a coffee shop with free WiFi right around the corner!
(grrrrr)
no bother
i walked on
enjoying seeing the back of the town for the first time
the valley falling down
the beauty..
i walked up to the top of the hill
some old monastery of some sort
a huge boulder with a body polished into it
trees.
and the cathedral looming over everything
(from a distance)
nice
i took lots of pictures
the trees in bloom
the vines
the peeling walls
walked around the park
then back into the city
up the already familiar streets
to sit at the terminal
and…
get not much in return.
i guess i’m no spring chicken anymore
after the internet
it was raining
and raining very hard
i found
that the streets are so narrow here
that if i walked against the wall
i didn’t get wet
natural rain protection
rivers pouring down the old stone
i got back to the hotel… not drenched
met up with Leo
and he was in a panic
rushing
i kinda ignored it
went and got some Tuna Empanada
and threw my stuff in the cab
rushing
to get to the station
to wait and wait for the train
water dripping through the ceiling on me and my bag
no one cruising in the toilets
i put on my ipod
and walked up and down the platform
enjoying the cute men
the city all around…
the train was more modern than the ones we’ve had in spain so far
we settled in next to eachother
and ate our empanada
then had some chocolate
some wine
savouring
sharing with eachother
and i read “Death in Venice” to Leo
almost right in his ear
silly
such a pedantic writer
so obsessive
i wonder if other passengers could hear and understand?
i took lots of pictures of us in the window
really enjoying the distortion of the double glazing
feeling bored
feeling restless…
couldn’t really sleep well this time
wrote for a while
til the battery died
no plugs like those good german trains…
When we got into Madrid
we were tired
and i was tired of being tired with Leo
cranky
where’s the fucking Metro?
no where…
did the Metro get blown up around here?
and they still haven’t fixed it?
how the hell do we get to where we’re going?
we walked around and around
looking at maps
but there’s a metro
and commuter rail
and i couldn’t figure it out
eventually
we gave up
and took a Taxi
(there was this cute chubby red bearded hippy kid eating a sandwich, sitting on the ground… i’m not generally into hippy kids… but i love the red haired ones for some reason… we smiled at eachother)
the taxi ride made Madrid look horrible.
just horrible.
really. horrible.
like an american city.
we were silent.
tired.
when we got to our street
it was more interesting
all the crap shops, of course
but graffiti everywhere
yeah
the meter said 9 bucks
but the lady charged us 19
i could understand that… and “surplus” but the rest of what she said was too rattled for me to get it.
Leo paid.
we were supposed to stop here to get the keys to an apartment we had booked on line…
but we didn’t want to have to walk anymore
so we just got a room at the Hostal
cheaper anyway
and Leo
the dear
bought me two extra nights after he left
put it on his card
so i could just rest a bit
and free internet here
of course
couldn’t get a signal to it from my bed
but there was an open network from someone else that worked just fine
i tapped in
and off we went to find something to eat.
on our little map we saw a bar called “Bear’s Bar”
not creative, but clear
we stopped in.
the music was pretty good
not common, but 80’s british pop music
two really hot bears talking to eachother
one was a Friedel
eyeing Leo
crap beer
but ok
eventually
the bartender asked us where we were from
… He’s British. From London
we had a nice little chat
he explained that up til midnight
for every beer you buy you get two
which is about right
seeing that the beers were twice the price of other places we’ve been…
so we had our two beers.
pretty empty bar.
not much going on.
but nice.
we talked with the bloke for a while
i asked him about a place to eat
and he told us a place all the bears went, right around the block
cheap and good.
alright!
we headed out
smoky
cluttered
small
and
Terrible.
the worst food we’ve had on this entire trip
Leo scolded me for asking a British person about “good food”
a strange short … what? tranny? draggish?
i don’t know
very campy, a bit of make up
but in guy’s clothes
he demanded attention and respect
yes honey
but we got out of there as quickly as well could
(even the wine tasted like it was cut with grape juice…)
then went back to that same bar
and told him so
… he seemed genuinely shocked that we didn’t like it…
he told us about the other bars
the most cruisy
a place called “leatherbar”
which wasn’t really a leather bar, but the name stuck
another called “HOT” was a bear bar with cruising…
we decided for that the next night
and took off to Leatherbar
yeah
not too many people at the bar
but the back room was crawling
a downstairs
lots of dancing
you know
people grabbing
but not committing
and back upstairs
there was a beautiful artist type
long hair, shaved face
i let him take me back in a cabin
but we understood the attraction we had for eachother wasn’t sexual
and when he couldn’t speak english
it was over with hugs, kisses and appreciation
then i walked into the dark room
a black boy had me on my knees for a while
vomited a bit
but he just loved it
going going
some other cute bear boy wanted some time in my mouth
but he kept moving my hand back to his butt
i stood up
licking his nips
some other guy on his cock
he grabbed my dick and put it against his ass
pushed back on me
i rubbed his belly
let him ride
til he shot
hot ropes in my fingers
i kissed him in the dark
all these bodies in the dark
i felt disassociated
and fled
enough beer
enough disconnect
Leo was tired
sitting on the steps
waiting for me
i was so drunkish
i got us back to our street
but missed the door
we found it together
and got up stairs with not too much trouble
though they wouldn’t just open the door
we had to try and convince them.. in spanish, that we were staying there
up in the room
Leo passed out pretty quick
and i got on the computer
so happy to have it connected again
i got on Skype
and called my mom
she was happy to hear from me
called Eli
had the talk with him
he called my life “cliche”
which made sense when he said it
then just started to hurt
a part of me connected to my friends
dying off
i called Arthur
didn’t get through
called Nayland
nope.
so i played around on line a while longer
another hour or so
til i was wound down
and it was sometime around 4
then
even i
slept.

drinking?
the dark room
morning
we wake
we fall back asleep
eventually
the howling wind got us up
amazing at all the noise the wind makes
maybe it’ll be sunny today?
it’s not raining
but it’s so fucking windy.
Leo gets out of bed and draws a bath for himself
soaks a while
i lull in bed
when he gets out
i’m ready to get moving
he heads down stairs for a pot of tea
i brush my hair thoroughly
and decide today is a good day to wash my hair…
the oil has responded badly to the hard water in the cities here
my hair has felt gooey for a while
and i don’t like it
once a month
more or less
i get out my little bottles of shampoo and conditioner
i balance on my feet in the tub:
there is no shower curtain
and i scrub my scalp with shampoo first:
no lather even
then work on my brush
running my fingers in the nubs
trying to remove the gooey plaque
let it soak
rinse my hair
more shampoo
on the ends first
rinse it out
then again
then the scalp again
and beard
i think i got it this time
bubbles.
i scrubb the brush some more…
it’s working
the stuff is coming off
well, had i known…
rinse
murky water
ugh.
then conditioner
it feels good to scour my scalp
it feels good to massage it
to play with my hair like this
so rarely do i indulge
how come i’ve never had a boy friend who brushes and cleans my hair?
bob in london
for a few nights…
ah…
the shower feels great
soaping everything
clean socks
clean shirt
but everything else is the same
Leo’s back up
and we have some breakfast
the salami we bought yesterday
the tit cheese
the pork
the different breads
thinking we’ve got plenty of time
Time.
sunday
i want to be at church for the sung mass
i have enjoyed mass when they’re sung in latin
beautiful
and i don’t understand the crazy shit they’re talking about
and i don’t have to listen to the congregation turn into drones and repeat shit to them…
we get to the church
and everything is over
and everything’s closed
hmmm
Spring Forward!
our clocks did not automatically change
no
we missed it by an hour
so
now what?
we walk around a while
yeah
and then?
guess we could get some business done
we go out to walk around the city
and head to the train station
down through tight streets
old streets
shops
silly things
out of the old city
into the new city
fallen blossoms
ground covered
is that camellia?
it’s not a long walk
15 minutes maybe
something like that
no problem
train leaves tomorrow at 13:37 to madrid
gets us in at 21:32
we get our reservations and i walk around to use the toilet
ah!
they’re free here
but that guy isn’t cruising, is he?
nope
just a geezer waiting for the train
hmmm
alright
i piss
and my phone starts vibrating
who’s that?
unknown call
is that?
Yes.
it is.
Nayland finally called me!
he explains that Skype had not updated my profile til today
the last two days it had the old number
well
however
today mercury went direct
i’m glad i finally get to talk to him
i fall into conversation with him
all the way back up to the old city
as Leo and i walk…
all the tension i felt about communicating is gone when i’m actually talking with him
and we just natter on about things until Leo and i get to the Park
and though it had been a nice day til now
as we sit on the park bench
it starts to drizzel
starts to pour
so i say good bye to Nay
and Leo and i run off to the covered galleries
i go to the internet cafe with aims to make contacts in Madrid and further into Andalucia
so i have places to stay and people to explore with
— i’m feeling very insecure that i have fucking clue what’s going on after Leo leaves…
Leo goes off walking
to see the town on his own
have coffee
attend mass.
yeah
i’m there a long time.
with very little prospects
it feels so odd
like i’m Mining
so i say
it feels odd
it feels wrong
it feels desperate
and i’m a bit scared.
and i sit there til nearly 18:00
which is when mass starts
so i walk around a bit
and realize i have nothing to do til Leo gets out
so i go into another internet place to Mine further
Nothing
and get an SMS from Leo:
meet me back at the hotel.
so i go back there
and he’s not there..
and it’s not raining
so i decide i will rush off to the park and walk around, like i wanted to earlier…
heading down the stairs: i run into Leo
but i explain to him
and he says he just wants to lay down
so
no prob
i head outside
as it starts to drizzle
starts to pour
ok.
(fuck)
i go back up
take off my shoes
and lay down with Leo..
we lay in bed together for a while
listening to the rain
not long before he opens a bottle of wine
and i ask him if he’d like me to read something
he starts, “not another one of Eli’s scripts..”
no no, Brokeback Mountain
oh yes, yes
— i have the story on my computer and told him i would read it to him sometime on the trip…
so we settle in with some Santiago Tart.. some cheese cake… and some wine
raining out side
while i read him the story.
the story..
time passes, we’re carried around through those lives
it’s pretty good
i only want to cry at the very end.
sit in silence for a bit.
talk about it for a while
and then realize another project we’d been talking about:
a ring-tone for his phone for when i call..
he suggested a snippet from Bob Dylan’s “Boots of Spanish Leather”
the opening?
” oh i’m sailing away
my own true love
i’m sailing away in the morning
is there something i can send you
from across the sea
from the place that i’ll be landing?”
i suggested cutting off the last line
seeing that i wasn’t landing…
then we decided to listen to the whole song and see if there was a better bit
– the song playing in that little crooked attic room, rain falling. dim light.
we decided on the end:
“take head, take head
of the western winds
take head of the stormy weather
and, yes
there’s something
you can send back to me
Spanish boots of
Spanish
Leather.”
though there are a million beautiful lines from the song
that seemed fitting
shoes
i got it cut and converted and transfered to his and mine pretty quick
clever
he smiled…
now
the city
the town
out…
the wind still blowing
but maybe the rain stopped?
we needed dinner
but it’s a sunday night
is everything still open late?
first hope was the place right around the corner
and yes
chilly wet night
and no
they were closed
so we headed back up to the restaurant where Friedel worked
where we ate last night
sat in the same room
but tonight next to the pilgrim statue (fingers cut off)
tonight i got soup, and a half order of the baby lamb
he got spaghetti & veal, as he loves his veal
we had wine
and did not see Friedel
more mentions of things we should talk about
but now not the time
now
not
time.
so i said i’d be off to the internet
just to check
just to see
keep the conversations going
juggling
he’d get the bill
i’d meet him back at the hotel
but there was nothing of mention in internet land
the windy wet empty streets
back at the hotel
the day was done
we just cuddled up
drank some wine
and slept.

because i shut the shade on that one window last night
our room is black
and we sleep long
i got out of bed around 9
and Leo was still snoring..
i pissed
then fell back asleep.
when we both got up
we pawed through the food bag we had been carrying around
moldy bread
moldy cheese
we sorted through the good bread we had
all the jam, nutella, cheese
managed to make a good breakfast for ourselves
and got ourselves together to go out about noon.
it was raining.
apparently it rains for two days here
one day of reprieve
then back on
rainy
like Ireland
Galicia.
we walked down the steps out of our hotel
town the road
huge paving stones
huge
so beautiful
like we were walking on the walls of a cathedral
i am confused to see cars driving
as if cars shouldn’t be allowed to drive on such beautiful huge stones
how’d they get so smooth?
for such long distances
all the curves
up and down hills?
it’s flat, though, on the walk to the cathedral
a minute walk to the huge square
it’s raining lightly
and there’s a sign up telling us we have to walk around the side of the building because the front door is locked for mass
we walked up anyway
look at the statues
the moss on the stones
then went back down
and around the corner
another square
large steps up
and two beggars sitting there
one inside the door
one outside
with puppy eyes
little begging plates
on their knees.
striking me as odd…
like they were acting or something
as if they weren’t real
… many of the homeless people in europe feel that way to me
like it’s a show
not that they’re doing anything entertaining
but it’s a ritual..
like in prague
apparently the mafia made all the beggars lay on their knees with their heads on the ground and their hands out
apparently
but that’s the way they all were
and here
inside
the beggar kneels on cardboard
his little scallop shell held out
puppy dog eyes
i look at the cold dirty girl outside
in her very fancy parka
want to say ” nice coat ”
but just walk by
giving them eye contact and a nod…
inside…
the place is packed
i’m knocked off base
something seems so strange..
this place is huge..
the Altar…
the altar is the largest i have ever seen in my life
it seems like something i’ve seen in a magazine
… from India or something
all gold
a huge litter being held by angels that look exactly like dakinis
the million manifestations of St James
all done in cold and stones and paints
we wander back to an opening in the middle aisle
and sit
the Pilgrim mass is going on
the old priest is clearing his throat and speaking about something
… his spanish is very guttural
the parish members doing the readings are dressed so nice
i get that terrible feeling i always get in church while a mass is happening..
i like churches when they are inert
but when they come alive
when mass is happening
i get angry
i feel oppressed, like there’s not enough air
dirty almost
certainly like i don’t belong and am not welcome
and like i’m being swindled…
(but i feel that way in most spiritual circuses… )
my mood drops down quickly
so i get up and leave Leo there to enjoy mass
not wanting to spew psychic pollution everywhere
i go outside as quickly as i can.
i walk around in the gentle rain
wash me
cool me off
now the whole city seems like a stage
like it’s all a fucking gyp…
i mope around in the rain
find an internet cafe
and ask the prices
€1.50 an hour… no hook-up or WiFi
hmmm
back into the cathedral
the anger is still there
mass is still happening
i walk around the back to the other side
everyone is staring at something
a dancing bear
i don’t know what the fuck
but i look
and it’s the thurible
the huge censer hanging from a thick docking rope
there are a group of men in special burgundy robes pulling on part of the rope
to cause the censer to swing all the way into both arms of the transept
(swinging in a 50 metre arc, leo just told me)
good show, old chap
i make a movie with my camera
… i don’t smell the incense, though…
and when it’s all over
i find a very small chapel off to the side
it’s empty
and says “silence”
so i go in there and sit
very little decoration
no gold
just Mary holding baby J and a sprig of something
i rest there…
til it starts filling with tourists.
Leo later tells me that was the chapel for foreign pilgrims… and the Basque.
the outsiders, yeah
here i am.
when i walk out of the chapel
i see the mass must be over
the place is swarming
i go back to where i left Leo and he’s sitting there
all happy
i take his place on the bench
and he walks around a bit to see the back of the church
then we walk together into the crypt
then up to the St James statue
this is what the pilgrims want to do
to touch St James (gold clad idol)’s shoulder and make a wish
or receive blessings or something
and i’m just not in the mood
i close my eyes
put myself aside
and ask for blessings for my mother’s walk.. should she choose to walk the long road here…
then kinda rush out of there
and meet up with Leo again…
we walk out
the rain rain rain
across the small square
to have a cup of tea
we sit and drink
refilling the little pots
hot weak tea
chatting about stuff
i don’t want to bring Leo down
but i tell him a bit of how i’m feeling
we don’t dwell on it
but just sitting there is unpleasant for me
terrible back ground music
all in spanish
but
terrible
i put on my ipod
and listen to some brainiac
that makes me feel better.
eventually
we decide to walk around a bit
and head out
walking down a street with covered galleries… like in Bologna
little shops…
and there’s a guy playing guitar
sitting on a chair
he has a sign that says “Jazzman”
and wears a black stocking over his face with a little fedora on
over his lips
are big cartoon “negro” lips with a chewed down cigar.
would that go over in the USA?
would this guy get the shit beat of of him?
we walk to the end of the galleries
and find a little pastry shop.
hmmmm
i buy a little tart covered with chocolate..
coated almond sliver spikes stick up
Leo gets a tiny santiago tart
and we share a meat empañada
back through the covered galleries
in the rain
to the internet cafe i found in the street up by the cathedral
we sit and write
answering our emails
40 minutes passing quickly
we leave after a full hour
and head up around the street
finding ourselves on the square just above our hotel
what are those doors?
— just another way into the huge cathedral..
and that thing?
it’s a benedictine monastery …
that’s now a school or something: we can’t go in
so we walk up and around
passing something that looks like a gay bar
rainbow sign hanging off the wall
no times or other notices
… we’ll come back tonight.
down the road
we come to the other side of the benedictine monastery
this time
the church part
it’s open now
as a museum
small entrance fee
we go in
they’re restoring the small chapels
Franciscan saints with that really cool tonsure the Franciscans wore…
the painting done so well on the statue you could see the stubble… the pattern baldness gave him a little tuft up front instead of a full ring
up at the front
three huge altars
all gold
a million saints
a close second to the one in the main cathedral here
these things are SO HUGE
the pilgrims must have brought a lot of money to this town over the years…
the one of the left has a moon in the centre of it
the one on the right, the sun.
behind the central
choir stalls
interesting
but it doesn’t have the wood carving that i saw out front in the advertisement to the museum..
we walk around to the museum part of this place
what was the sacristy
filled now with votive paintings and dolls of jesus
chasubles and chalices
old stones from the older building…
and a few flights of old stone stairs going up
Leo’s knees are still sore
so i tell him i will go up and tell him if anything is worth it.
the first floor (two flights up)
isn’t very interesting.
some modern paintings
some books they must have made
about architecture
and painting maybe?
so i walk back out and call down to Leo
“not very interesting.. i’m going up to the next floor”
and there i find a room filled with things Leo would love
older paintings
tons of Monstrances, Chalices, Relics, crosses…
i jump behind a window shade to see the back-stage of the town
old basket ball court
cars
old buildings
the valley stretching down…
when i finish looking at all the stuff
i go back to the stairs telling Leo to come up
but he’s gone.
so i go back in
and continue the exhibit
more bleeding christs..
apparently the spanish were really into his being scourged
i bet mel gibson’s movie went over well here
or would have a few hundred years ago..
lots of little statues with rivulets of blood running down his body…
ugh.
next room:
more choir stalls
why are they up here?
but they are beautiful
more beautiful.
i am transfixed….
there is Anistasia
there is Agustus
there is Joseph with the child
such striking faces
beautiful beards
Anton’s cowled head
so many secrets
this gives me the feeling i love about the idea of Monastery
a secret society
a place where knowledge is cultivated and imagination nurtured
turned into reality through ritual
daily
constantly
long balcony arms walk out into the church
and i look down for Leo
but see him no where…
then walk on
a room filled with their experiments
taxidermy of strange creatures
monkeys and ground things i don’t even know what they are
beautiful birds
a whole collection of different humming-bird types…
a room filled with minerals
extractions
books
instruments for discerning things
wow
a man
obtained from somewhere in france
that can be taken apart into over 2000 pieces
all labeled
to learn about the body…
each room more fascinating
i wish Leo could have seen this
but…
maybe it’s for me.
i walk down the stairs
use the toilet
(and almost get locked inside it)
then wander around the church..
where is Leo?
look
more altars.
ugh..
There’s Leo
i tell him about my excitement
but he admits he would not want to walk up those stairs
said he almost tried
but it was just too many
so
back outside.
we walk through the gentle rain
and i’m happy at my change of heart
i am very thirsty
we decide to get a beer
but get way-layed by another church-y thing…
S. Matthew or someone
beautiful
old
dark and dusty
a funeral happening at 18:00
should we come back and see if we can find a Friedel?
i am THIRSTY!
we leave
walk down the streets
where’s a bar we want to drink at
some look too fucking fancy
or too fucking heterosexual
where’s a nice pub.
and there’s one
right on that square (another one)
we go in
and wait a while for the server
in that while
decide to get a glass ov cider
seeing that it’s on tap
he serves them in special glasses that are bent funny
sitting in the back
nice little pub
kinda a sports pub
but the tv isn’t turned up loud
we sit and drink
half way through the cider
i’m feeling it
Leo wonders if there’s even alcohol in it
i can feel it…
and when it’s through
i get him a Chimay
— he doesn’t really know that brand
and my friend Nick (nDgo) introduced it to me back in ’99
memory of friend..
i have an octoberfest double brewed thing
sometimes ya need a rich heavy beer
YUM.
at this point
i’m tipsy
and well watered
we decide to head back to the hotel instead of drinking more
stopping to buy some special galician cheese (in the shape of a Tit)
and some salami… some bottles of water… and butter… and long flat stick of bread
then see another place
get cheese cake
and shredded roasted pork
and dark bread
yeah
then back to the hotel
where we lay on the bed
and have some of the tarte de quiexo
and i ask him if he’d like to hear some of Eli’s scripts
Eli sent me a script before i left from NYC
asking me what i thought of it
saying i’ll hate it
and why should he bother
and it’s true
i haven’t read the last few scripts he’s sent me
because i’ve never liked any of his movie scripts
though i used to enjoy his poetry and short stories
when i first met him
when i was fascinated and in love with him
so i read his most recent script
a re-working of the Famous Joe Project
stealing aspects from my life
and saying it’s about him
though i don’t know what he’s doing with it
where he is in it
what he’s meaning to achieve…
so i open the two other scripts he sent me
and choose the later to read to Leo
it’s a sci-fi piece
based somehow on a jewish tale about King Solomon
maybe it’s a horror story
but there is no heart in it
something terrible happens in it
but there isn’t enough context to make anyone care
Leo is bored with it
and falls asleep
i try to interest him by reading him some of the Famous Joe piece
but he just isn’t interested
i sit there for a while
and read the second one
the older one
his telling of the Jewish tale
which is more interesting
what he’s doing with how the story is presented
— but it’s not his story
maybe he should direct other people’s stories?
i loved Pinocchio Dreams…
Leo sleeps for a while
i rest
eventually
it’s night
and we need to go get something to eat…
and maybe that gay bar will be open?
let’s go there for a drink first
it’s almost 10…
the door is open
but it’s not open yet
i see them moving things around inside
we walk around
and like the looks of the restaurant next door
so go in there
get a table for two
in a room made all of stone
either wall is different
one a cobble of small stones
the other
those huge blocks
that make up the floor too
i order the local dish of Octopus
Leo gets lamb
we get a deli plate and spinach with pine nuts and raisins for starters
red wine…
the ocotopus isn’t so great
kinda tastes like cat food
while the paprika they used on the potatoes is excellent
the lamb is lovely
leo gives me some bits
and midway through the meal
Leo tells me to turn around to see Friedel…
— we’ve taken it into our lexicon..
“Friedel”
Deiter’s boy friend in Berlin
an incredibly cute, charismatic bear
gorgeous
but untouchable
all circumstance
Dieter’s boy friend, newly in love… married anyway… complex home life
so these shiny beautiful men we see along the trip that we can never have
(well mostly me)
we call them Friedel.
maybe he’s the manager of the restaurant?
this guy with black jeans on
wears his belly over his belt
close cut dark hair and full beard
bright eyes
comes into the room to get some chairs
OH!
he’s so fucking cute!
when we finish eating
i walk slowly past him
standing at the bar
talking to his friends… his colleagues
he looks up at me
smiles
beautiful face
his eyes
as Leo passes him
friedel pats him on the shoulder
maybe after closing time?
i walk outside and stare in through the window
oh Friedel!
his cute butt in his jeans
the curve of his belly
argh!
gay bar open?
the door is being pushed open by a group of four kids
girls and boys
talking to the manager
we’re waiting our turn
is it open yet?
it’s almost 11
but no
it’s not open
i talk with one of the kids who reminds me of Cosimo
cute kid
he’s been on drugs and hasn’t slept for a few days
we talk about how similar Galician “Gallego” is to Portuguese…
but not the same.
does anyone speak “Spanish” in this country?
we walk back to the bar we drank at earlier today
for a night cap
Leo get’s another wine
i get a beer, 1906 on tap
rich and heavy
the girl brings a plate of tapas
not great potato fries
little soft wieners
sections of baguette with sour soft cheese
very good
and some sautéed mushrooms with red pepper
we’re not hungry at all
but eat
and drink
and talk
get another drink
more wine
and i want to try
Añejo
…
thinking it’s a digestif
but it’s just dark rum
that’s alright.
we finish
and walk home
the internet place having closed already…
i’m getting worried:
where will i stay when Leo leaves?
i haven’t really lined anything up
not having spent much time on the internet in the last month
nor the month before i left
oops…
we head back to the hotel
and leo passes out pretty quick
i get out my computer to write…
and do so
a little bit about yesterday
but then i’m so horny
thinking about Friedel
… i look through pictures and videos
and pull myself off and up
working myself to sleep.

endless endless
i had a dream this morning where i’m eating dinner
with Leo?
some restaurant
i go looking for the toilet
i end up somewhere i’m not supposed to be
it’s a place where people are… living?
not very large rooms
but strewn with beds, mattresses, cots
covered with bodies
… alive
but terribly deformed
asian… thai? chinese?
their limbs are all the wrong size
skulls huge and misshapen
completely hairless
pail
in fact
many of them are translucent
they look almost as if they have no bones
they lull around
slightly moaning
unable to move much
… there are many rooms full of them
— i forget about the toilet
i’m horrified
an asian man approaches me
he’s very angry
– You shouldn’t be back here!
‘ What have you done! ‘
i shout at him, as if he’s the cause
” We sold our genetics to an american company for good money ”
‘ THAT IS NOT GOOD MONEY ‘
i’m terrified
is this what we’ve been eating?
i wake up nauseous
turn on my side
try and cradle my belly
but my mind just keeps playing this through over and over
and i’m not sure if i’m going to vomit
or i need to shit
i close my eyes
and see those rooms full of people
i can’t make my mind stop recounting the events
i go to the toilet and shit for about a half hour
it just keeps coming out of me
empty
i feel so much better
Leo stumbles in while i’m on the bidet
takes a piss
and we both head back to his bed
i curl around him and we sleep another two hours
—-
he gets us out of bed at 9
we have to leave at 12
so we don’t have much time to see the city
i put all my stuff away
and we rush out into town
across the street there is a church having mass
beautiful old renaissance
simple building with fantastic baroque altar
but i don’t want to take any pictures while mass is happening
we walk out
and head to cross the river
— though i’m wearing more clothes
it’s still cold
i take some pictures of another building from the same area
: this town is ancient!
we walk up to the old gate
and i fotograph that
the fat bearded conquerors holding court up there
El Cid, etc…
through there
to pay our menial entrance fee to the Cathedral
this is the oldest church i’ve been in
gothic construction with Renaissance decorations
beautiful mythical creatures everywhere
in one chapel
everything is The Hairy Man
that wild beast of humanity who lives in the forest
wow..
so many beautiful faces
beards
silly
angels pissing
i take pictures of the lantern and many of the domed ceilings in the chapels
the way the architecture comes together is __ (running out of adjectives in europe)
gotta piss, though
no WC around
i run across the square to a bar and duck into the toilet
outside
is a statue of a pilgrim (to compostela)
he also looks hairy
naked
a shell on his chest
a staff with a gourd
hmmm
back inside
we walk through the cloisters
and Leo is concerned about time now
so we rush through the museum:
too much beauty
out the shop
round the square
we stop into some shops
buy some bread, meat and water for the trip
then another shop
some sandwiches and tortilla (that is, eggs, potatoes, ham and cheese)
head back to the hotel
throw our stuff together
and head out the door
the family is not around…
so we leave the key in the door (to our room)
and head out walking..
i’m sure there is a shorter way to the train station
but Leo doubts me
and he’s stressed..
that’s alright
yesterday i was stressed and he was calm:
we got there on time
today it’s him who’s stressed
so we walk the way he feels comfortable
back up to the main street
down
back around and down to the station
when we get to our platform (2)
i see we were about 15 meters away from discovering the shortcut
damn
and the train is five minutes late.
no 1st class on this one
all Tourista
we load in
i got a window seat
but the least window seat possible
mostly just staring out the wall
so we eat our sandwiches
and i pass out..
it’s Siesta time.
the first day we got to spain i felt it
but we couldn’t
the first full day we spent here i felt it
but we couldn’t: had to see the city
yesterday on the train i felt it
so slept a bit
and today i slept a bit as well
naps around noon are excellent
half hour
two hours
whatever
it’s SO good
and it’s in the air here
i am not much of a nap person
but i feel much better
however
my window position makes me despondent
i can’t see much
so i’m mopey
non-communicative
sad and bitchy that nayland hasn’t called
he doesn’t call
sure mercury is in retrograde
but he never calls
he didn’t call last night
he didn’t call last week
he doesn’t email
and he hasn’t called me today..
he still hasn’t called me
i’m sad
and feel it’s a waste of my emotions
so i’m angry
motherfucker
i listen to Brainiac’s “Fucking with the Altimeter”
which justifies my anger
loll around in Aphex twin
til i land on “The beauty of being numb”
so jump to “At the Heart of it all”
the two tracks he .. did for nine inch nails on “further down the spiral”
that reminds me
and i slip into Tori Amos
“Baker Baker”
– i’m so sad
slide over to “past the mission”
to connect the dots
where i fall into “bells for her”
and land on “song for eric”
can’t stop loving
you
can’t stop what is coming
and it’s on its way.
..
time
thought i’d make
friends with
Time
thought we’d be
Fly——-ing.
may—–be
not
this
Time.
ugh
the countryside is beautiful
the lush green
the rushing water
the farm lands
the pine trees now
high bridges
dams
waterfalls
old houses
old old towns
where i could never live
like i could not live in zionsville
but i like to see them
imagine life there
see the men at the train station watching the train
… they’re not going anywhere
but maybe they like to see the faces?
the beautiful men
full head of steel grey hair, tuft on the chest coming out through the shirt
that nose
that gait
ha!
there’s a boy watching Leo
as i sing to him
there’s a boy watching me
but mostly watching my camera, my ipod
eeeh.
we sit and eat
the train rolls on
switches direction
we flip the seats
we sit
we ride
we wait
eat chocolate
drink wine
throw away the moldy bread
on we roll
and now it’s night
so i have time to write
and we should be arriving in about 15 minutes…
——————————————————————-/
so
it’s raining
so
i get a map
so
we get a taxi
and fuck this shit
i tell the guy to take us to the centre of town
we’ll find a place from there
but as we drive into the town
i’m a bit confused
imagining Santiago de Compostela as a quiet pilgrim town
i’m confused by the traffic jam
it’s friday night
but all these cars
all these crap shops
where are we?
we pass hotels
‘ hotel ‘
i murmur
the driver echos it
‘ no, no hotel, hostal, HOSTAL ‘
i say
he explains to me that he sometimes works at a hostal
and should he take me there?
Yes!
right next to the cathedral
the Forest cafe/bar/hostal
but it’s full.
and that place down the street?
they don’t answer the bell
and the hotel behind them?
“complete”
yeah.
ok
we drive on
round a corner
down a ramp
… are these streets
i tell him to stop
there’s a hotel..
i go in
ask
Yeah, they got a room
€62 a night
… Alright.
we take it
give the driver a 10€ and walk up the three flights of stairs.
attic room
“Charlie Chaplain”
we passed up Isadora Duncan
“impossibly long white scarves”
(magnetic fields “Jeremy”)
low ceiling all at odd angles
one window
looks up at the chimney and the roof of some old building
like the window in Matthew Baine ‘s room…
(maybe he’ll google his name and find me again?)
i crack it for air
we lay down a minute
then head out the door
looking for food
what’s open?
it’s after 9
though we keep thinking this is late
it’s dinner time in Spain…
where no body speaks spanish
hmmm
we find a place just down the street
special of Cordero
ok…
get some beer
some wine
lamb chops
young lamb
young blood
sweet meat
young
blood
i keep saying things far too mean
i want to communicate everything
but it’s the wrong time
and i’m drinking
never have i drank so much
i drink with Leo constantly
it’s air
our food goes down
what can i say?
excellent fries
really fucking good
yummy lamb too
good rich beer, 1906
the old guy working the restaurant seems like an itinerant drunk
long beard, but spacey face
when he says good night to us
it almost sounds like italian…
we waddle back up to our apartment
and lay in bed a while
talking
then i decide to go out and see the town
it’s not cold
but there is wind
it’s not raining
though everything is wet
i don’t have the map on me
so i watch closely where i am going
feel things out
try and follow the route the taxi took
coz i wanted to see that area
and i’m nearly back there
but reach a town square
and there are people out
not tons..
this city is amazing
this old part
all the winding streets
everything done in brick
everything so dark
churches everywhere
i walk down a big street (big for midaevil streets… small)
noticing a man and woman standing at a window
curious and touching something on the glass
i look up
and it’s a big monitor
— they’re sending an email from the street
is there an internet cafe around?
i walk
following the flow of people
not that there are many
but seeing where they’re going..
they all look like they’re coming from somewhere…
like they’re all going home
but are they?
it’s a Friday night…
once again
my expectations about this being a devout town
clashes with the reality of the world
…
maybe they’re going out dancing
doing drugs
getting drunk…
i wander
now working on supposition
assuming i understand the layout enough to get myself back to where i came from
a group of kids approach me
the one who speaks to me
pale milky skin, a bush or red hair curling round his head
a face still in his teens..
i can tell his words are a practiced spanish… not his native tongue
he’s asking me where something is
i smile
and in a shmultzy deep voice, accentuating my American
i say
“i wouldn’t know”
then, in spanish
– i am also visiting. have a good night
he thanks me
i walk past some bars
filled with kids
and like a change of wind
feel i’ve had enough
so head back to the hotel
head up the stairs
Leo is asleep
i close the shade on the window
and
fall into sleep…