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a few people have commented I’ve been off the map

maybe that’s just how they feel
but I probably have
I certainly feel clouds where my fingers should be
clunky eyes
but
such is such
in such a time
don’t take it too seriously
I’m stepping out
and I’ll be back soon
with yet some more alterations

love
from the other side

dominic vine

.
:.:

(conversation finished after the call ends)

you will eventually learn to say
“there was some drama there”
instead of recapitulating some tedious story that has nothing to do with either of us

editing your self is only one of the many forms of discipline you could benefit from

and hearing you accuse yet another person from giving you attention
when you have been avoiding mine and his is just nauseating
we’re both tired of your blind and selfish actions
though I know a steam roller is ironing out your life right now
you will come to understand this fear and weight is a blessing
because it is inspiring you actually deal with some of your shot instead of continually putting it off

I felt the same thing when I was your age
trite as it always is
“it gets better”
and it does
and it gets difficult again later
but the simplest lesson you can learn from this may be
meeting the world at least half way keeps it from having to smack your lazy terrified ass into gear to get you to the place you need to be

you have a place in this world
and it loves you
just keep breathing and do you best to fucking show up

now sleep!
I’m going to!
I’ve been laying here naked for three hours playing solitaire on my iPhone whilst listening to Stephen Fry read me Harry Potter after a day of my old antics (three men! that’ll teach me!) and I’m exhausted

may our dreams bring us pleasures
and easy answers
to easy questions

.
:.:

dream Aug 15, 9:57 am

I got a job!
at a restaurant
in a small tourist town

the whole dream was about baking
cooking
burning oil
and a bit of embroidery

I think we worked one place
and decided we needed another
it wasn’t difficult
we walked into the restaurant and asked
the boss offered us a free lunch before our shift
I was eating
but Cory (the girl i know from blue lotus) was curious about a dish we were talking about and went into the kitchen to figure out how to make it

so I was eating with someone
a whole group of mid-aged yuppie tourists came in
nice open natural light
front of the restaurant
they were talking with the owner
and somehow annoyed us
so my pal and I went back to the kitchen
Cory explained to us the dish she was working on
thin rice dough
dumplings, yes…
blue
bright aqua blue
she had a dress on
“crinolines”
(was that earlier in the dream or sometime past in waking life? touching fabrics and repeatedly saying “crinolines”?)
she had been embroidering it
or is that what you call it?
much of it looked wide-gauzy
“interfacing”
so she was kinda making lace patterns within the base fabric…
anyway
it was half done
i remember one finished pocket and one unfinished, transparent

something happened with the boss
told us we couldn’t do something
in defiance we did it right in front of him and left
(not my action, nor Cory’s… but the other we were with)
outside we tried some of the food Cory had made and loved it
she said she was going to take the job
we were surprised because the boss seemed like such an asshole
but she needed the money and didn’t let pride get in the way
I felt she understood something we didn’t…

that’s around where I woke
but earlier in the dreaming
maybe the job I had before
i was aware of a familiarity of space
not fit into a narrative
but a huge house I am
often in through dreams
large mostly empty attic space
but with many huge things in it
and much under dusty sheets
and on shelves

lots of stairways
deep basements
“secret passages”

there was also a “summer camp” feel
but that was about the tourist town
like ogunquit or p-town or someplace less fabulous but still nearish water

(my mind just doesn’t feel clear to make sense of this)

.
:.:

dream Aug 14, 11:43

somewhere in Europe
an old portable bridge
now in the middle of town
on the ground
as some public art space
it’s wood; the buildings around are white

–
no
I could not find a thread back into this morning’s dream.
as I woke o felt it slipping away but was too groggy to grab it. like yesterday.
I was enjoying my dream chasing. I seem to have lost it

in my attempts to find my dream
I found a memory lodged in mind:

there was some guy in the post office yesterday (Friday morning)
shuffled around
excessively bent back so that he was looking at the ground
stiff limbs so that he moved in an exaggerated jerky motion
– I imagined offering him a massage… simply as an “agent of the city” and the obvious fact that he could use one so badly — It flashed through my mind that I should be giving 18 hours of free massage every month… that felt daunting; my mind moved on but I did not turn my attention from him.
he looked in his p.o. box
then started talking very loud to the employees behind the glass
“where’s my mail? I came for my mail, give me my mail”
strange accent
russian?
sounded crazy/deranged immediately
dirty crumpled clothes
when they made it clear there was no mail for him
he spoke quickly as if in logic
“give me five dollars for a car home”
in a half questioning tone, demanding/entreating
as if he deserved it for coming here for no reason
(once upon a time English was not his language)
they turned him down
without pause he swung his body on his stiff legs in a jagged pivot and “faced” the person behind him in line and appealed exactly the same to them
he was so bent over he was looking at the ground
but he directed his energy at about four different people in this way
quickly
almost not even waiting for response
just saying it and staggering towards leaving
entirely accustomed to rejection
like the “homeless” or any begging crazy.

I fled ahead of him, offering him nothing.

.
:.:

spent the night at 3B last night
probably went to sleep before midnight
but woke around 4am and haven’t been back to sleep yet (but he’s leaving for work now; maybe I will)
through the morning the dreams I had came back to me, a bit:

I was (guess what?) traveling
staying the night with a stranger
maybe it was a client
or friend-of-a-friend
or serendipitous street cruise
but I went to some high rise apartment with some guy
he had a younger lover (or roommate at least)
everything was lit only by candles and I remember thinking the decor was tacky
new, pottery barn
and he was into silly black leather harnesses
but no serious action
just very excited
enthusiastic and innocent
i felt I had to be careful with him
he was so delicate
diabetic
maybe other strange health problems
it was a bit tedious: I just wanted to rest
this all felt laborious!
I had to satisfy him first
the younger guy kept coming in
and seemed jealous
which made him more nervous
which made me feel further from rest
and in the end
it wasn’t about sex at all
though that’s what he expected he wanted
really
he just wanted to tell his dreams to someone
someone to listen to him
it was obvious the boy was so self absorbed he never really saw the man
hell, the man was so nervous he hardly ever saw himself
so I just had to do the work of being present to him in that healing sort of way
and it transformed him
indeed
literally
as only can be done in dreams

then it was a small bungalow
(I was telling stories yesterday of the Admiral in Portland… this transformation was inspired by his little house)
and we were old friends
still lit by candles
or dim electric lights
now
instead of stark new empty tacky apt
it was cluttered with stacks
and interesting old things
I naped
indeed
woke early (dark early)
there was some dream (maybe)
of the life in the walls
mice? gnomes? kabouters?
(maybe this whole thing was the dream in the tacky apt bed?)
now I was infinitely comfortable in this space
it felt like home
from the kitchen he called in
he could hear me moving
“there’s cake on the floor! have as much as you like!”
I looked around
blending in with the stacks in various places were platters filled with various cut cakes covered in wax paper
yellow cake with white frosting, some with chocolate. another platter of a rich dark cake, another of something fruity and more candy-like. he made them all himself… while I was sleeping or before I got here? eat cake in the morning?
I wanted them
but not now
and was tired and could hardly move anyway
I lay in bed thinking about the cakes
(the gnomes?)
and my old friend
how much i loved him
and how long it had been since I’d seen him
(I never saw him in the dream, I don’t know who it was, but know it was some old daddy guy… and the sense I get was he wasn’t anyone I really know… just the ideal fantasy of “old friends”, father, grand father, uncle, teacher… definitely teacher energy: all those books. . . )

.
:.:

dream Aug 11 , 7:11

i woke up at 6
and was un satisfied
I had to pee
felt cold
unimpressed with any dream fragments
I got out of bed

of course
intending to sleep again often gets me nowhere
I turned around and around and eventually found some sleep again
and dreams of a mostly literary sort:

I was traveling
I think for school
maybe it was a small town in Oregon
it was mostly derelict
the sun was bright
cement and brick
I was walking past the deserted store fronts
on the empty streets
I came to a section not meant for cars
stepped over the curb onto green pavement
narrow alleyways
walking through that still yielded little attraction
perhaps there was a voice in my ear
I walked through and out
ramshackle huts
where the mechanics lived
everything in burnt oranges in yellows now
dry grasses, fields
I clambered up the hill & cliff onto the ridge
where there was a clear view of Mt Hood
or was that Shasta?
below the residents were mucking about in what was left of their lives
I tried to respect them by not looking at them
and did not take pictures
I felt uncomfortable
but looked at the mountain again
almost lavender
it looked like bone

dream aug 10 8am
a traveling dream
or supposed to be
turned into a horror show

the airport was huge
a horrible mall
a bit like a school campus
I was trying to fly home to NYC
decided I’d go through Indiana first
but it was twice as expensive for just the one leg, put me off

there were people there we all knew
old friends
dear friends
we were all returning
home

we weren’t talking about mercury retrograde
but something like that
all the flights were cancelled or changed
we had so much time to wait
but that wasn’t the trouble
of the four of us
Jorge, Daniel, myself and Eli (I think.. not sure, he was supposed to be an intimate friend but he was played by the actor Bobby Carnavale… and we were all meant to be about ten or more years younger… though we flickered into our current ages occasionally)

the real trouble was
we’d been
um
in a jungle
and trying to escape a terrible beast
like the Predator
but like the Thing
it had slipped inside of Eli/Bobby’s body
and you two didn’t know
I found out
but never had time alone to tell you
oh, some times Arun (once was Zygoat) was with us
we had some magic
but this beast was incredibly dangerous
it was trying to play it cool
hiding out in our friend’s body so it could get back to NYC and decimate the city
I had found a blackberry
which I may have converted into a bomb I was going to try and plant on the creature
but the timing was difficult
more problematic was you two didn’t know he had been posessed and I couldn’t seem to get you alone to tell you
most of the dream was traversing through the maze of the airport/mall/campus
in and out of doors, alleyways, bathrooms

it had just occurred to me to send you text messages
hoping you’d get them discretely and get away from him

but just at that point I felt cold and tense and woke up
and though i was awake earlier than i wished to be
I wanted out of that dream
so rolled over to grab the phone…

.
:.:

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I was telling Koos
I haven’t been taking many photos of myself lately
and when I do
I’m not much interested in how I look right now
so the images just stay on my phone
but I printed this one for him yesterday
after taking it and photoshopping it on my phone in 3C the night before
returning to my expressionistic form of my inner Egon Schiele
bent, twisting
not to say anything
just ill-at-ease on this plane

.
:.:

dream Aug 9, 6:38

it faded in a winter forest
following a woman through the dawning darkness across a marshy plain
my man separating from me because he didn’t want to walk so long
certainly not to follow her
he’d expected we would be laying in a hammock naked by now
but she was famous and brilliant and magical
and by the time I was close to her
my would-be lover was long gone and the morning was pale and bright

the foals were rolling around in the grass, nipping at eachother
yes, that’s where I lost him
at that
they got up
followed she and I into the wood
though we left them to climb a tree
silently
without expectation
at this point she became a young man with blond hair (leaving apart her jewish mystic female form)
maybe he was Owen Pallet
he was reaching for a bird
or monkey
i was frightened
nice clothes, wrong shoes
finding my own way up the tree
dead branches
uncertain it would hold me
uncertain why I was here
following him
yes, he was following a famous russian actor, or writer…
the birch
but we were on a huge barky tree of another sort
and in my impatient stasis I pulled myself up and noticed… stairs
I followed them up with my eyes across:
a long old wooden walkway through the tree tops
from where I was I could pull myself onto them
Owen was ten feet away in front of me, below the upper planks
he made a movement that showed me how flimsy the stability was
the wood looked dry and rotten, old and unmaintained
a dead-eras creation
nails missing on one side
sagging, easy to picture it swinging down into the forest below
I was imagining how to walk it without making the whole structure collapse and falling thirty feet (sixty feet(one hundred feet)) to the floor
following it with my eyes:
I knew it lead into the old compound
which was really where I needed to go
not following him/her around like this or placating my older suitor
but I hesitated too long there

and fell out of the dream
breaking into morning
uncomfortable and cold in my bed
anxious for the day I have in front of me
shouldn’t I be waking up now? maybe it’s an hour early…
if I just lay here like this
I will lose the thread into the dream entirely
my eyes weren’t functioning yet
but I clawed my way back into the imagery through committing to remembered images

these dreams aren’t asking to be remembered
I have to hunt them down

(song appears in my head: “when we go dancing/ underneath the city in the catacombs…” / “you were a little girl / with starry eyes… / now you’re a sad young man and know one knows why…”)(ah, “Old Orchard Beach” by Magnetic Fields)

it was about the women starting the theater company
Olympia Dukakis has changed sex in her role (once M Madrigal)
Gabriel standing there saying he did not believe in finding metaphorical meaning in dreams: the meaning is all implicit
perhaps it was him

the house now remembers to me as my parents house, night, moonlight
us walking out the front door
but the distances are larger
the horses rolling on the ground by tge pond, yet still a ways from the willow trees
yes, there’s the forest there
interstitial
the structure gone: the old school (which? the one where we used to learn Everything. those teachers are all gone now… reincarnated into people happily confused and forgotten, knowing nothing of the origins and controls of this realm…)
nothing but in dreams

where was I?

.
:.: