sorry that last post was so cryptic
most people assumed it was I who was being rejected
most of the stuff behind this cut is just usless details about relationships… but i’m mostly just saying that i’m aware of many relationships i have rejected through my life…
so i woke a little early this morning…
the last month in Vermont re-instilled in me
the importance of Meditation
Yoga is a form of that
but i’ve also been doing two sets of 20 minute sitting practice as well
immensely beneficial
So…
i’ve been in NY a week today
and
of course
haven’t been keeping it up (when i need it most)
i spent last night with my Injun Daddy
and we always work our ju ju
i woke with a start around 7
a swirling mass in my head
i sat up and started meditating:
too many desires, diffused focus
moving too fast
remembering nothing, feeling nothing
too fast
so
Slow Down.
after that
i got on my knees
and started some asanas
Injun Daddy lay on the bed (smoking cigarettes) watching me
being witnessed makes a field of presence
makes everything more clear
i felt the blocks, the stickiness (the new york heat, the stickiness)
and moved into them
and through them
Yoga
i said
is a ways of trying to make sense with the world
to notice
“being a human isn’t helping me be at peace. i want to be one with the world. maybe if i’m a tree i can be one with the world (tree pose), maybe if i’m a mountain i can be one with the world (mountain pose), maybe if i’m a camel i can be one with the world (camel pose) maybe if i’m dead i can be one with the world (corpse pose)”
and so we try
we fit into these shapes
and feel them
like
i said
when i was a child and had no emotional understanding
i would watch the expressions on peoples faces (the laughing, the anger… the tear falling)
and i would wear it on my face
put it in my voice
to try it out
to be accepted
to see what it’s like
it was
a way
to learn
but yoga
it also, as, perhaps, i’ve forgotten
a way to make love to myself
(different than just operating my body with my joystick like a video game)
using my body to make love with god, make love with everything in existance, make love with those witnessing
just from fully being
so i
bent over my extended foot
relaxed
and heat spread through my shoulders
up into my face
and the stuffiness (new york summer heat) and pain
the stuckness
melted
poured down
and out
while i talked about dogs
and camels
and trees
i felt my body be at ease
yo yo yo
blowing in the breeze
now i’ll go for a walk through central park
good morning, first full day of summer.
i working on the 50 words book project today
i found THIS in someone’s journal
i grew up in indiana
— the entire thing is like a “silent horrible homophobic murder”
(well, maybe i’m being a bit too wide on that one… but mostly)
i narrowly avoided the axe
but hey
if you’ve got some stomach to you
go HERE
read about it
and knock Indiana on the head a few times.
i had a great ride down yesterday
i’ve been using craigslist for years for rideshares
and never before has it happened
where i got a big sexy gay daddy bear
maybe it’s a sign of good luck?
i’ve never had a gay man before at all
nor have i had someone of my “type”
but when this man arrived to pick me up
i lusted after him the moment i saw him in his Subaru…
in fact
oddly
the day before
when he first called
the house was crammed with people
and when the phone rang
it cut through all the chatter and resonated in me somewhere
“it’s for me”
and it was
and it was this guy who was giving me a ride down
and just talking with him made me feel warm and fuzzy
— though i knew absolutely nothing about him
and he very little about me:
it was just a simple craigslist rideshare.
still
with all of my craigslist ride shares
i like to give them something more than just some money for cash
the first one i gave tons of MP3s to
dumping them on his hard drive when we arrived at his house
before he took me to his destination
the last one
i showed a nude swimming area on the way up to Arcata
and though it was late January
we still stripped naked and jumped in and played around
this man and i
when he arrived
he asked to use the bathroom as i was packing my stuff
he kinda reminded me of Shrek
but in a good way, ya know?
big jaw, big shoulders, big arms, big hands, big belly
no facial hair (hence the Shrek even more)
as i lead him to the toilet he asked me how i liked my stay in vermont
i told him about Rock River
he said he’d heard about it… which pools?
as i could feel my balls and second chakra humming
and struggling with wanting to wrap my arms arond him
i made it clear i had been going to the gay area where many people were having sex in the forest
“oh, i definitely need to go there then,” he said
only ten minutes after being in the car
we cleared it all up
and i was massaging his neck
his huge, thick neck
and feeling all of the tension in my body draining
often, when i connect with people, i feel the energy coming to homeo-stasis
when i believed myself to be more limited
this made me scared i was being drained
now i love the feeling of that connection
and the lessening of the pressure inside of me
even just from touching like this
i closed my eyes and enjoyed the comfort as we rolled down the road
one hand on his neck
the other hand in his hand
so we were boy friends for the day
we stopped a few times and had sex on the way down
once at this place in new york that i’d stopped at a few times back and forth
a trail head
obvious for what it was
it was very hot
and with a stream right there
so easy to wash up afterwards…
and again
in a parking lot
he said “i’ve never done things like this before…”
-he’d just come out 5 years previous
he was nearly 50
and still in the divorce process with his wife
amazingly, we had lots of “cuddling”
as much as you can do in a car barreling down the freeway
stuck in traffic
took a little longer than we’d suspected
but it was a very nice ride
i arrived at my friend’s house
to a home cooked meal
and a three-way
(with a big black man who i’d talked with for years on line and never met– also a nudist and goes to GNI every year… maybe that’s in my future too!)
i slept early
woke early
and feel grateful
of course
i checking my email
i heard from a guy i played with a few times a few years ago
a big bear
bi-sexual, you know
he always had a girl friend too
but now they’re married
and get this (this is great)
in marriage counseling
(i don’t get it: they got married just so he could share his health benefits with her… APPARENTLY)
she pulls out the most recent issue of the New York Press
which has an article about the Sex Worker’s Visions show
with one of MY photos illustrating the article
and she says, to the counselor
“See! he’s been going to whores! this is HIS BODY!”
she knew he was part queer
what’s she complaining about
and that body is nothing like his body!
he’s even chubbier!
i asked him
“did you tell her that NO, that wasn’t you… but that you knew who i was?”
“oh no, of course not, no. she does not know we know eachother.”
review:
http://nypress.com/20/23/abouttown/about4.cfm
i ganked this from bitterlawngnome
(it’s that LJ friends user-icon meme)
it’s really beautiful…
beautiful beautiful beautiful
drove around and around in the pick up today
ended at Destiny
talking with Bambino in the car
playing him music
kissing…
it reminded me of sitting in the driveway outside of my parents’ house
in whatever car
“my” car
their car…
at 3 am
2 am
midnight
late
later than i should be
should be asleep
all the stars out
having to stay awake late at night because it’s the only time that was mine
having to live in the margins of someone else’s life
and that’s why i’m leaving…
that’s why i’ve always been leaving
looking for a blank page to make my story in
i think i’ve collected enough now, yeah?
it’s time to start writing.
Yesterdays Headlines
blown by the wind..
Yesterdays People
end up
Scatterbrained
— everything in the mail
i’m trying to have sent
is going to the wrong place
i called
i tried
i spent the time
it went to california
it went to Tennessee
out of my hands
no control
Carrington
artist
beautiful girl-boy
reminder
see some kid in Ottawa
remember Eric
what a reminder
so i look through some pictures
and my heart spills everywhere
everywhere
i look through the pictures
and the eyes
the cheeks
the nose
the lips
the chest
the shoulders
the neck
the hair
the face
the way he looks at his boy
love
love love love
a boy a bit more ripe than i
the right time
a moment too late for me
that was a heartbreaker i had to forget
another thing crushing me
crushing me
even now
my face hurts
around my eyes
my chest
my heart
i want to run away
i want to scream at the sky
i want to fight with Odin
and damn Loki
but it does me no good
so i bless them for their love
i’m grateful for their love
loved and loving
good for them
but there are some heartbroken things about me
i need to forget
to keep from tearing the world down
luckily
i can’t do either.
driving into Rock River on Saturday
the parking area was pretty full
but there was a minivan pulling out
i slid in
waiting to take his spot
the drive spoke to me
telling me i could have it as soon as he could pull out
and he was the most handsome daddy bear
i talked with him a bit
growing tumescent
he said he wanted company
but did not want to go sludging through the forest
i understood
he shook my hand with his warm meaty paw
“my name’s Dave; i’m a bear bottom”
yes…
well that would be fine by me!
i gave him contact information
and off he went..
but as i walked through the forest
i kept wondering why i didn’t just suggest we drive back to the house so i could fuck him RIGHT THEN
what?
why didn’t i think of that?
yes
i really wanted to be naked out in nature
have the buffet of cocks in the forest
but a full bodied naked bear in bed
…
grrrr
i couldn’t call him back
and would he ever call me?
at the top of the far bank
before crossing the river
i ran into the most beautiful man
a big lumbering hairy bear man
sexy muscular body
round full belly
his name was also Dave
he was from Western Mass…
i wondered if i’d seen him on bear411?
he’d never heard of it
knowing only local AOL chatrooms
ahhh
and i forgot to get his handle!
i could have emailed him
instead
i massaged him
he didn’t grow hard at all
so wasn’t into me
reticent to even let me touch him
but succumbed to my massaging hands
yes
yes
Yes
but why didn’t i get contact?
he wouldn’t let me photograph him
but i got one as he was walking away..
what was most interesting to me was his ignorant masculinity
not Gay at all….
he told me he was a Hunter
Bear, moose, elk…
he tracks…
he climbs trees and shoots them too..
made me regret my father, again
his “blind” hunting
sitting in warm headed rooms in an easy chair
(louis said)
how embarrassing
that’s not HUNTING
this Dave
he was so hot
and he walked away
off to “the Ledges” to do some Kayaking..
i kicked myself all the way to the beach
why didn’t i get contact?
later
at the beach
i met a man named Hugh
who had some “something something” so his penis didn’t form fully
down curve…
but nice and thick
he was a nice fellow
and gives massage
he rubbed me on the rocks
warm rocks
he talked about Classic Attraction:
Classic Female Attraction
looks for a man who is powerful and a good provider
generally
the body hair
broad chest
beefy – healthy looking
someone who can provide for her and her children until they are old enough to provide for themselves
Classic Male Attraction
looks for someone young and healthy, fit
who he will be able to breed
and not waste his seed on
someone who will pop out good babies
and take care of them
until they are old enough to take care of them selves
Yes yes
that makes sense!
and as faggots
we can have both
and something else! (our fetishes)
a good reminder…
and So…
Zo…
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