Anyone in NYC got an extra Futon mattress?
someone gave me a frame… now i just need to put something in it.
The fast was over today…
i was going to do it for two weeks..
but cut it short because i was feeling so fucked up..
not JUST because there were so many things i wanted to eat..
in fact
for the last four or five days
the thought of eating made me cringe…
but i’m often like that in NY
in fact
i got to feeling the way i felt here in 2005
where watching people eat
and every venue i walked by
kinda turned my stomach
… then i started to wither
retreat from life i guess..
and i got sick.
that really surprised me
because i’ve often started to fast when i had a cold
and it disappeared with no sign in two days or so
so i was very thrown when i got sick this far into the fast…
BUT
i had given a few massages early on
i had fucked a few times
and jerked off a few times
and Friday night i met a very sexy man
(who i wanted to meet months ago.. but had no idea how to contact him… he contacted me!)
and
though i was already on the brink of a cold and exhausted
i fucked him anyway
which was really magical
and i was like a little kid hanging out and talking with him
(he was so hot and smart and interesting… but i felt like a st*r-f*cker talking to him)
anyway
that drained me
especially, i think
because he didn’t cum with me
so saturday i was pretty fucking tired
HOWEVER
a friend had sent me an email about auditioning at the metropolitan opera for Aida
.. i went to it (at 10am!)
with a head shot and resume and everything
and they didn’t even look at me twice
i was eliminated and told i could go home
(well, i went through the test like everyone else: March! just to be extras: soldiers)
my friend who told me about it works there
and said i probably wouldn’t get picked
but it’d be good for them to have me on file
ok ok
i went back to the house
then down to the lower east side, where i used to live
i had plans to go get a futon frame from Jorge’s friend G.
she said it was broken
so she was getting rid of it and having a custom bed frame made for her..
when we went to pick up
i asked her what was broken
and she said it wouldn’t fold into a couch anymore..
and demonstrated..
i told her she was lifting the wrong side
and indeed, that’s all it was.
Bridget also had a few things to give to me
so J and i got a car service
stopped by Martin’s (where i’ve been staying the last two months)
and took all my stuff from there as well
UP to my new apartment
Jorge was very excited to see it
and i was happy to be there again: it had been a week since i was there last!
now it has some stuff in it…
on Thursday
a girl gave me some good Kombucha culture
(i’ve been buying the G.T.’s stuff… and it’s absolute dead weak shit.. i could never get a culture from it and don’t recommend anyone buy it)
as well as some Kerif grains..
never seen those before..
so i started a batch of Kombucha up in my new place
and started the Kefir down here… coz it needs to be minded every day.
saturday really wore me out
we took the bus part of the way down from my place
and Jorge was so excited to see all of the latin shops..
indeed, i was as well: it feels like i’m living in another country!
i think that each time i’ve been up here..
back at Tony’s (the apartment i’m house sitting for in Greenwich village)
we fed Raspberry (the cat)
and went off to get Jorge some food..
by that point i was dead
i couldn’t even bear to touch him
all of my person energy was totally sapped
and even connecting with him made me weak
so while he ate
i climbed a tree and meditated..
then told him i needed to sleep alone
we went back to the apartment together though (martin’s) and he got his bag and left
i drew up a warm salt bath
that i was in well over an hour
then slept a sweaty fever sleep
waking at six
drinking lots of water
sleeping again..
i was supposed to have a client this morning
but he’d called and cancelled last night!
oh, great!
then i realized i could go to the beach!
i thought the sun would cure me
so i got my things together
and rushed out the door
a cab was coming down 20th street
so i jumped in
asked him to stop while i bought water and juice from the deli
and off we sped!
except…
he was a new driver
didn’t know where he was going
and was afraid of driving
so drove very slow and tentative
and got lost
went into brooklyn
and i got so frustrated
coz i missed the ferry
he got stuck in traffic and i threw him ten dollars and got out of the cab
got in the subway and took it to wall street
walked to the pier to see if there would be another ferry today
and the ferry was broken!
so i wouldn’t have been able to go anyway
which i guess made me feel better?
i opened my shirt
and sat and read “Time and Time Again” for a while
then got a call from my other prospective client
saying he’d made other plans..
fine.. i’d go feed the cat…
oh, but first!
i’d go to China Town
and get a bamboo strainer for making Kefir (can’t use metal, it eats it… and gotta strain the grains out of it each time ya make a batch..)
of course
i spent three or four hours walking around down there
and spent nearly 300 dollars
drank fresh coconut water
got a 90 massage from a chinese lady
it was really good
taught her and her co-worker some of my technique
bought house plant… and kitchen wares… juicer and electric kettle
stood out on canal to get a cab
but none stopped… all full
so took the train
and was
again
exhausted when i got to Tony’s
head pounding
almost faint
i showered
and tried to take a nap
just meditated
then went into the kitchen
to strain the kefir i’d been letting mature
— thought i’d make cheese out of it, seeing that i couldn’t drink it yet..
so i separated the curds from the whey
and seeing that it was cultured whey
i thought i’d drink some..
i was amazed!
just a few sips
and in 15 minutes
my fever was gone
and my lymph and sinuses had drained!
i felt refreshed and energized!
i headed up to times square to work on my morning client, who had rescheduled…
he was staying in Depak Chopra’s “Dream” hotel.
odd.
that was fun
mostly cuddling and conversation
he’s a regular..
big boy..
then i headed back to the sub way..
open entrance
but all the gates locked up..
i noticed that i could reach around and knock open the emergency exit
which people often do during rush hour
and it’s so late, who would care when the alarm went off?
i’ve never seen anyone care before..
so when i went through a gaurd came out and said “oh, you don’t need to explain to me, just tell it to the officer”
“sorry” i said
i had an unlimited metrocard
so it’s not like i couldn’t pay
i just didn’t know where the open entrance was
and
… i guess i was just being punk rock
well, yes
a police offer came up and took my ID and told me that he should take me to jail..
ohhhh
but was giving me a break
and not really writing me up
just gonna do a check on me
ok ok
thank you thank you
i didn’t miss a train, though
would have just spent that time waiting
rode down to 23rd street (in one of the new-new cars)
and walked past grammercey park
.. that’s been one of my favourite parts of staying in this area..
the crickets were loud…
hmmmm
back here
and i’ll sleep soon
cleaning up and moving out tomorrow: Martin returns from Europe
i’ll be happy to staying at Tony’s… while i get more things for my apartment..
i should be sleeping..
but instead
i’ve just finished the rest of RFD issue 131
i’m really waning on it
anyway
i guess i feel like posting again
this is what i thought would happen
and it’s working:
i have a place to live
.. now i can get back to my life.
i’m on the 6th day of my fast
i intend to do it for 14 days
last night i dreampt about eating
breaking my fast
a house party at someone else’s house
lots of food around me
smoking pot
all sorts of stuff
i was so drunk
that i just started eating
and that shocked when i realized what i’d done..
so i buttered some toast and shoveled it down.
then i was on a train
then i was on a dirigible
with “my two friends” (i have no idea who they were)
i realized i was riding a bit too high up
and i slid right off
into the open air
holding on to two of the nice pillows i had been laying on
falling..
falling…
(i read some articles about John Balance last night)
the pillows were kinda making me float
the guys were screaming
“FLY!”
i couldn’t figure it out (though i can often fly in dreams, i didn’t
know i was dreaming)
eventually i figured it out…
different than usual, i tapered my hands in just the right way to catch the wind
then it just felt like i was caressing the wind
and it carried me
over the hills and fields…
and this morning i felt terribly weak
i woke
i flushed
i slept
i slept
i got up
and i slept some more
and i had to finish this damned magazine
and i felt so weak and tired
and terrible
yesterday i got really irritable
and i don’t like that
but it’s part of the process…
so
at one point in the evening
i decided i needed some lemons
so went out
this time i walked to 1st avenue (for a superfluous distraction)
and noticed a store called “GRACEFULLY”
it was over on the east side of 1st avenue
which i have come to despise…
Peter Cooper Village… and Styvesant Town..
it all looks like Eastern Bloc to me
and all the shops have standardized names
it looks like strip malls in the fucking suburbs..
But Gracefully called to me
(and i was finding shitty lemons at the delis…)
so i walked in…
and around the store for about an hour.
i was so pissed i hadn’t discovered this place in the two months i’d been here
they had a million amazing icecreams
all the mochi cakes i could desire
beautiful chesses..
and Aspics!?!
chocolate corn tortillas!
cakes and baked goods and deli items…
the place was gorgeous
and over priced
but still
i would have eaten so much of this stuff
and i walked around
with a handful of lemons
staring
slowly
savouring all my options..
thinking of how i would come off the fast tomorrow
how foolish! to fast now! to fast in NYC!
i should just let myself get fat!
(it’s not that i was getting fat that bothered me.. i just felt sluggish and stuffed up.. plush i wanted to cleanse from all that shit in the first two weeks i was here… and just focus my intention.. it worked: i got my apartment on the second day of my fast)
and i mulled it over..
can i just stop fasting right now?
but wouldn’t that be disregarding the benefits of why i was doing this in the first place?
true: i love fasting
and i know it’s good for me
and it shouldn’t be suffering
and today i felt terrible!
but challenge is good
and discipline is one of the things i’m learning
indeed, i will do more fasts of different types as i live here in NYC
it is Necessary
because there is always a Gracefully of Something
everything everything everything desired
right there at my fingertips
with only the high price of compromising my intentions and integrity
Ugh…
Challenges…
well..
i only came home with Lemons
and intend to stick to it
even though the two people who said they were going to fast with me this time
backed out before we even began
that’s just the way it is sometimes
oh, events events events
am i writing about what i’m learning too? not just what i’m doing?
i’m tired
and must sleep!
this just came through
http://www.thetaskforce.org/activist_center/say_no_to_section_2257
we have til september 10th to comment on a bill being passed that will destroy most gay profile sites on the internet
have a look
and say something if you feel like it.
somebody walked by my window and said something i wanted to post in “Overheard in New York”
after posting
i clicked the random quote a few times
this one came up:
Clearly Sex Needs More Upsides
Dude #1: How come when you have sex bad things happen, like STDs? Why can’t you get sexually transmitted skills, like creativity?
Dude #2: Or juggling.
–NYU Kimmel
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/010409.html
So
after over two months of struggling to find a place in NYC
i got one..
Last thursday
the broker i’ve been working with wanted to show me one (that ended up being gone already when we got there)
but gave me a list of all available
and one jumped out at me
which wasn’t a very nice apartment..
but below it i saw something that made me curious
so it was more of a whim..
a bit of an adventure…
and it was “Perfect, Just Perfect.”
the building is somewhere between Inwood and Washington Heights
pretty close to either the A or the 1 subway at 190th street
it has two addresses
no square rooms
and a view out over the city with forests in view
… and a tree right outside my window!
out the front door i’ll use most
there are apartment houses on stilts
and something that looks like a midaevil wall
… i’ve already got plenty of ideas
so i took pictures of it
fresh out of the box
http://www.flickr.com/photos/dominicvine/sets/72157601816627001/
i’ll add more photos to that set as i move into it
i’m at this place i’ve been house sitting for another week
then i’ll be down in the west village for two weeks
all this time collecting stuff to make my own place livable..
then i’ll be heading down to TN the last week of September for the Gathering
and to get all my stuff
and bring it up here!
so i’ll be moved in by October.
i am so happy to have a pot to plant myself in for a while
… more to come, of course.
bridget and i sang the song to eachother last week
miraculously remembering it all
i wanted to wash the clothes i’d been wearing for days and days
and it’s so hot..
i put on these old mickey-mouse shorts i found up at the house in vermont
— i thought it’d be fine for walking around the building doing laundry
but there was no detergent in the house
i became very anxious when i thought about walking out dressed like this
it seemed overtly sexual in a way i didn’t feel comfortable:
like a little girl or something
i don’t know
i feel fine being naked
but something about wearing clothes that expose so much makes me feel sexually provocative in an actively seductive way
still
i’ve worn pants in this city that show off my belly, short shirt
pubic hair sticking out
black girls yelling at me across the street
“look at that sexy man!”
but i’m not on the lower east side right now
i’m in Murray Hill ( or whatever the hell it’s called by 2nd ave and 20th street )
whatever
i walked out the door
and indeed
got lots of stares and head turns
i get that all the time, really
but for THIS?!
it just felt weird.
by the time i was in the store
i felt like a teen-age punk girl
saying “i don’t give a fuck what you think”
to the owners of the grocery
but it was all in my head
and i bought the detergent and some icecream
and licked it up all the way home
i woke up at exactly 3:33 this morning
i remember i was having some dream that i can’t recal now
but i remember the feeling of cold
and the positivity that someone had come into the apartment
and was going to obliterate me
i didn’t call out
it was hot
and sweaty
i was sticking to the sheets
i woke with a start and looked up and saw the clock on the cable box read 3:33
and i lay down
trying to convince myself to go back to sleep
but a voice in my head told me this was deathly important
and i better not ignore it
i had no idea what it was
it was Fear
the voice made clear
Fear of what?
i tried to say
it was nothing
but i suddenly felt cold
felt deathly cold
a shiver
i got up to turn off the fan
and looked down the hall
looked down the hall into the darkness
at the figure standing just inside the threshold from the door
i stared into the dark
and the dark
it stared back
i told myself it was stupid
it said to go get the black sheet and wrap myself in it
it’s SO HOT
i lay down
and shivered
so so so cold
i told myself it wasn’t cold
and there was nothing to fear
what is fear?
just the fear of the unknown
just the fear of death
and i didn’t need to fear that
and it wasn’t cold
and there was no one
nothing in this apartment that was going to get me
going to obliterate me
but i was very scared
and very cold
i pulled the sheet around me
this is a little catch-up post
my plans involved coming to NYC and getting an apartment
then taking many steps from there
square one has not been covered
i’ve been here nearly a month and a half
and things are not opening up
PLUS, my first two weeks here were incredibly painful and disturbing
— it was mercury retrograde
so i just took it in stride
but now i’m viewing it more as a definitive ” you’re not supposed to be here ”
indeed
living in NYC makes me tired and a bit cranky
but it also makes me grateful for all the people, music and art
all the Happening
all the Life
and i know i could make it work..
i still very much feel i would like to live here
but (grrrrrr)
i have been trying to get grounded now for years
and felt that if i didn’t succeed by the time my saturn return was over
then i would have just missed that opportunity
well, that was the 23rd
and i’m not nested
so i feel like i was dangling on a hook
and have now been sent back to the wind
instead of reeled in
per my plan earlier this year
i was going to give it a month here
then go to Portland Oregon
to spend a month in that city again
and see how i felt there
Would I want to Live there again?
my major trepidation about that right now is from my getting back in touch with an old friend
who appears to be a huge vortex right now
and i worry that if i went there
i might just get sucked into that
(for we are old friends and her current energy is reminiscent of my manic days)
so i would like to spend a year here instead
coz i know i can have better boundaries here
just to hammer out some of my work
Time Frames!
the other direction, of course
is just to pick one of the places i want to live
{Amsterdam, Berlin, Istanbul, Sheffield, somewhere in Spain, Swizerland, or Cusco Peru}
and just GO
live off my savings
and see if i can find a way to make it work
teaching english
or getting some sort of job to survive
or
just go to Thai land like another friend suggested
live on a beach for a few months for a total of $100
and walk around Anchor Wat
all that stuff
settle down
or keep traveling?
settle on some temporary nest
(like tenneessee)
and keep on my way?
Adventure!
i don’t need to be famous anyway
but i would like to get some work done
that i’d like to do
now now now!
i could just do it know, i suppose
if i didn’t feel so worried about what next…
anyway
i’m here in NYC
i’m working at the Floating Pool at the Brooklyn Park Beach
thursday to sunday, 2 to 9pm
stop by
or
come to the gallery my art is at tomorrow night
207 Broome street (at lafayette) suite 7A
for the closing cocktail party
when anything feels definite
i’ll write about it
(click)
i love philosophizing
but some i find tedious
just recently
someone threw that
“well, how do you know the same blue that i see is the same blue that you see? they might be different colors we’ve become accustomed to calling the same thing” crap at me
however
last night
while laying next to a new friend
i felt his heart beating
pounding
his breath fast and shallow
i thought “he’s so scared… why is he so scared?”
and i asked him
and he said “i’m happy”
and it made me think of my mother
or other people i’ve known
who burst out into tears
sobbing and crying
and then say “i’m happy”
or the man i fucked a few times in tucson back in 97
who cried every time i was inside of him
and it terrified me
“i’m so sorry!”
i would feel
and had to not call him or see him again because i didn’t know how to deal with it
was this some painful abusive memory i was re-initializing for him?
or was he just very “happy”?
and maybe i’m getting Old enough to allow people their own experiences
and can accept that if he says he’s Happy
he must be Happy
who’s to say that his Happy is the same as my happy?
what i read as obvious fear
is his happy
he’s kinda a nervous guy as it is
from the perspective i have on people
new yorkers, in general, tend to be neurotic and a bit high strung
of course
he’s a notch up on that
so maybe he’s got that rabbit-heart as a base for his other emotions
so the happiness is just too much excitement
and makes him feel like he’s going to burst?
it’s so difficult to know another
how they say it
how they play it
and the feelings
the waves
and the physiology
how am i to know?
to spend time with
to learn he language of
the customs of
everyone is another country
some my passport is not good for
and
no matter how much i want to live there
… will i always be a tourist?
today
one of the dominican girls i work with
Angelina
said
as i ran by her
“i love seeing you with bare feet!”
so do i
running around in the sand
it’s not a bad gig
being barefoot
in the sand
seeing the sunset every day
lower manhattan looking like a toy
like a jewelry box
but it’s all the time spent Having to Be there
that gets to me
Having to be On Time
During Time
when i could go to a movie
or an art opening
or could be writing
which i haven’t done since i started the job.
there really is a lot i need to write
not just my experiences
— skinny dipping last night with Jorge
— not getting the apartment, worried about my father as A Failure
— the job i’m working
— indian food dining as a sinyasi
— delivering Art
— keep in contact with old friends
— enjoy a drink now and then
— old priests
— new amusements
and not just my current experiences either
all the past i’ve been meaning to re-write
but all the ideas i’d like to share
i have a lot to write
and thousands and thousands of photographs i want to sort through
post
and edit
and print
and hang around my room
then write about some more
and get them in a gallery
but i don’t have a room yet
and i’m currently massaging out my place in reality
where am i?
and where can i be?
i’m just moved to write a bit now
the fat jewish guy selling icecream down at the beach
who refuses to let me do anything sexual with him
(though he let me touch him today — i gave him a bit of a massage and was tumescent the whole time)
– he gave me the dvd for “Altered States”
which i’ve been told to watch for years
and
indeed it was a great reminder
like i should be delving into psychedelics again
but i’d like to learn to meditate better First
but really
the beauty of the film is more about
Love
ah
that old desire
where did i put it?
must have put it somewhere precious so i wouldn’t lose it
but for the life of me
i cannot remember where…
delving into the chaos void of eternity
it is love that recreated him
and
it was him having to do the same for her
that brought the film to a very satisfying end
Yes
Love
when will i get the one who is willing to reach out to me through the chaos
and grab my face back into existence
through love?
i have tried so many times
lost in the fog.
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