“Glad you’re settling in a place you are happy. I need to slow down myself! I set up my lifestyle in a period of wanderlust which lasted about 18 years and now that it’s not really what i want it is hard to change it! ”
a friend sent me this in a message
and it’s exactly how i felt..
even how i feel!
it’s been a few years of grinding my heels in the dirt
pulling on the horses reins
lettind the tension out of the sails
… all these rigs i had
of course
that style of living did so many things for me
like an organ
it nourished me and cleansed me
so i’m facing substatial difficulties in all this stillness and STUFF
still, yes, i’m happy
i’m happy to be here
to have my own place
have friends i see continually
all the treasures the grounded take for granted
it is worth the greatest effort.
while moving a table on Friday
i dropped my phone outside my house
someone used it to call the Dominican Republic
and used up the last few dollars (about 6) before the automatic recharge
which i have shut off…
but now i cannot be reached on phone
until i buy a new one
anyone got a spare phone laying around that will work on AT&T?
(Pretty much anything that will accept SIM cards)
or, maybe it’s just time to get an iPhone?
i often carry empty plastic bags in my pockets
i learned this in germany… where they actually charge you more money to give you disposable bags in any store
in NYC
whenever i buy any prepared foods
they give me about 10 napkins each
even though i am beardy
i generally use only one or two
i save the rest
and use them as papertowels in my apartment
(or, perhaps, if i were shitting in the woods)
i re-use cardboard shipping boxes for futon-softeners
or to take my groceries in from the local health-food store (i learned this in SF)
these are some of the tiny things i do in my life to make me feel less like screaming in this insane consumer culture.
i have a new friend
he works in advertising.
he translates ads and writes stories for some company that produce Women’s Magazines for our whole nation
or, for the Spanish Speaking aspect of our Nation
he keeps telling me that’s he’s writing stories about how i live my recyling
and make my own labneh from my kefir cultured milk
Recommending the women readers to Try This At Home
so
somehow
by being witnessed
i’m now affecting hundreds of well-meaning ladies around the country
just by impressing one person
i love this guy.
he’s pretty impressive to me.
and he likes this whole Live Journal thing
so he created his own as well
it’s been over a month
so there’s some stuff there to read
—-Beings and Beasts who read my journal
i now present you:
my friend Jorge, or
astromante magic star
i’ve been having lots of sex
and yoga
eating lots of gooey food
and constantly turning down the smoking bowl
saw Abbey’s “Sylvia — the Goat” last night with Goat
and it was traumatizing
what’s with all these plays steeped in mis-understanding and violence?
the ghosts of two of my most absent lovers ( R & N ) are haunting me all over the mountain
yet another relationship for the two of them
their ghosts
their noses
their mouths
fuckers
why can’t love just work?
and i’m back in Goat’s shop right now
intending to be working on my photo project
… but have just been fucking around for the last few hours
NOW!
it’s time to get to work.
i’m at JFK
been waiting a few hours coz of air traffic problems
i’m leaving town
for Tennessee
but it’s all about finding home
i’m going to get my STUFF
and bring it back up..
… coz “sometimes you have to go a long way out of the way, so you can come back a short distance correctly”
i’ll be back in NYC on the 8th
but then leaving again on the 10th for Bermuda.
back in my brand new apartment on the 17th
and
Living there.
so, the night before i left town
i’d been painting the golden moldings in my apartment for hours
and was asphyxiating from the fumes
Jorge and i went out for a walk
i forced him a rushed way
being a total control freak
and feeling on edge
all the stuff i wanted to do
not enough time
and TIRED!
(and high from pain fumes)
we went to eat at Albert’s Mofongo House on Dykeman street
and had some beer
which
all in all
fresh air and food and beer
i was much more relaxed on the walk back…
which is beautiful:
we can walk through the bottom part of Tryon Park
green and lush and woodsy
people in the park..
those Latins… they’re always Loitering..
being people in public!
Jorge started singing “Thriller”
and it lead into some frank and vulgar conversation
where my teen-age voice spoke up and talked about
meaningless pop music
he said
“what do you mean by ‘meaningless’? ”
‘ you know, ‘ i said, ‘ all those songs about nothing else but dancing and having a good time ‘
he replied, ” Dancing and having a good time has been a fundamental part of human existance far before society even existed… i’d hardly call that ‘ Meaningless’ ”
which struck me:
i’ve ALWAYS held that viewpoint
and some disdain for music like that
since i’ve been a conscious adult (like, age 13, you know?)
and this is the FIRST TIME anyone has ever replied like that
which razed all of my crap judgmental emotions
with simple sound logic
Amazingly
Jorge has played me tons of music (he’s given me a mix CD almost ever week i’ve known him)
that i would usually hate or just find dreadful and boring
but i love it
he’s an Emissary from the world of Humanity
People Dancing and having a good time
Living
not that he’s a big old disco queen
he doesn’t go out dancing all the time
but he loves he when he does..
our conversation tested its weight when i looked up the lyrics to “Thriller”
wondering what the fuck that song was about anyway…
and still didn’t get it
he said
“it’s about duality, what we always want and are afraid of and what we’re offering and what we’re threatening”
(ok, true, he didn’t say it all like that, that’s my interpretation)
It destroys the horizon of my tiny little world
to understand that all of the fluff pop i’ve relegated to “Crap”
also has the voice of eternity in it too
probably even Britteny Spears
and Ignacio Iglacia
and the rest of that producer-driven drivel
doesn’t mean i have to listen to it though
such opportunities for an open heart flavoured with love…
another tedious conversation
monologue
listening to the old man..
i wish they’d come soon so i could leave
he just rattles on
rattles on non-sense
“i should like to go shopping…
i should like to go to a department store…
… a shoe store…
… a book store…
… a cigar store…
i should like to see how much is this
how much is this?
do you have it in white? black? red? green? yellow?
do you have something larger? smaller?
could i try this on?
this is too expensive!
sale! bargin sale!
i like this one!
may i try this one on?
sale… bargin sale
.. it does not fit!
i shall take it with me
— send it to the hotel
how much is the postage?
can you direct me to the post office?
where can i get some stamps?
what is the local postage here?
what is the local postage?
what is the Air mail postage to the u.s.a?
…to the U.S.A.
i want to send this package
i want it insured
i want it insured!
here is my address
here is the address.”
the woman who is often around here says all of these things used to mean something
but it sounds so desperate when he says it
babble
she tells me there used to be endless houses filled with things that people could come and take..
just come and take…
all sorts of things
things to put in your mouth
things to put on your feet, head… all over your body
through your body
she said you had to give all your time to other people in other houses (often very big ones… i can’t understand the concept of how large these houses are… she tells me there were a hundred houses stacked on top of eachother… everywhere… why so many? were there so many people? she says there must have been)
and these people in these houses would give you tickets to get these things from these other people in other houses
then you’d just throw them away
and go get more
it sounds so stupid
and this old man is obviously crazy
and what is the “you ess aye”?
i wish they’d come so i could leave
it’s raining
and i like the feel of the mud on my feet
(quoted text taken from “big lake” by Corey Dargel… see it here: http://www.automaticheartbreak.com/videos.html )
it’s been a nice few days
i’d have to say
coming off the fast
getting over the cold
feeling better
but just as i’ve been enjoying eating the food
walking around the village
and getting things for my apartment
something else has been hanging around..
what is it?
today was going well
a morning visitor came by to drop a load
and some silver cups and saucers for tea…
then, off i dashed
up to Washington heights
enjoying reading the book on the way up
eating a scrumptious sandwich
and discovering that my local post office is so very close
(though i do recall standing in line and having the imaginary conversation with my euro-fag counterpart saying:
“you know, dear, simply creating perfunctory things is just NOT good enough… there has to be some beauty in things, you know. ugliness is barely permissible in temporary things, but really, this post office has been here for decades already.. shouldn’t there be somethings prettier than formica and aluminum to stare at while you’re waiting on such kindly services?”)
but something happened after the acu-puncture treament i received…
was it just walking around Chelsea?
or was it where it ended?
after having been looking for Housing Works for three quarters of an hour (and enjoying the search, mostly)
to be stopped at the door by some chipper little queen saying “10 dollars to shop! it’s the first day of the fall preview!”
one of those new york fashion things that i just don’t understand and find vaguely offensive on principle
… well, yes, there are millions and millions of shoppers here…
but why TODAY, at exactly This hour (as i saw on a sheet, it just started) are you charging a $10 cover to get into a second-hand furniture shop?
i stared at him for a moment, trying to will him out of existence
but knowing failure was mine when the somewhat crazy negro (sorry, i’ve been reading old novels) blurted out
“you know it’s worth paying for if there’s that many people inside already!!!”
i walked to the “floor coverings” store next door
to see a rug i would have loved for my place
had it not been $3500
i was struck, again, with that terrible feeling that i was completely out of my league
and shouldn’t i just be getting on back to kansas again?
deflated
the day just kept descending
to the point where the dinner Jorge intended to cook for me was not only changed
but insistent and impossible:
we didn’t know where the supermarket was
and when i took him to the one i liked
it didn’t have what he needed
and everything it had was difficult
and he is never decisive
and i certainly wasn’t feeling so
we saw Edmund read from his new book tonight
at Barnes and Nobels
and i saw some cute&happy queens talking with him and inviting him to dinner
and i, again, felt like some sort of mockery of a person
feeling even less confident and directed in my life than that girl
and wishing i were half as charismatic
maybe i am
but not tonight.
Jorge and i drifted around
until my nerves were completely fried
as they’ve been on a steady burn for months now
even his loving and endearing nervous character is irritating me now
and at some point tonight i found myself solidly stuck in The Spoiled Brat aspect of my personality:
Oh, that old thing again…
absolutely nothing was good
or could possibly be
by the time the soup was served
and i’d burned my hands on the bowls as he was pouring
i only brought the searing hot spoon to my lips just barely
before i set it down again
and slumped there
wishing the windows were higher so i could satisfyingly jump out of them
… or at least turn to a block of ice there on the rug
or something
Leo called: back in the country
and i had nothing good to say to him
so we made it quick
about that point i began to believe i had scabies as well
and try as he might
Jorge couldn’t convince me otherwise
a few hours of searching on the internet and talking with Jorge
and i was utterly convinced
another plague i’d never yet experienced
given to me in new york city
it really has been trying to tell me, i know
i can’t say i haven’t been warned.
and i just got an offer to move to Southern Indiana and be a Yak herder
last month
some kid i’ve known for a while
sent me a slew of text messages
starting with
“can you come over soon? i’m feeling really worn out and need some dominic energy”
which kinda creeped me out
over the next few days
he sent me many
trying different angles to get me to his apartment
in the past
he’d used Lunch very often
“i’ll buy you lunch”
“i’ll make you lunch”
“i’ve got a phone i can give you”
“i know many people, i can hook you up”
this time
“there’s this hot arabic guy, just your type, stocky and hairy, we could have a hot three way”
i felt like he was a desperate vampire wanting to feed off my life
and
indeed
he acted like a junky when i didn’t come to his beckoning
and started ranting at me
case closed.
a few weeks ago
i met this big round beast of a bear at bruin buddies
and we’ve met up a few times since then
today i moved into the house-sit in greenwich village
— i’m a one minute walk from this guy
so he called me
and i went up to his place
(after having bought some vegetarian thai soup — i’m coming off my fast… this is my first “food”)
we sat and talked for a while
in his cluttered, scattered, hurricane victim of an apartment
his iTunes on shuffle
as he smoked cigarettes
ground fine weed
rolled it up
smoked it
smoked it
smoked it
told me his foot was in pain
hilarious
in his character of a bear
his white underwear under his huge belly rounding
semi-circle under the line of his white t-shirt insufficient from the bulge
just as i was about to leave
he asked me to come to the couch
i told him i felt a bit ill from eating
and he said to just sit down a minute
then he put my hand on his foot and said
“i just want your energy. i want your hand on my foot. i want your energy there”
just like that.
i like that New Yorkers are honest
but honest in vampirism?
i was a bit freaked out
especially because i wasn’t feeling well
(still recovering..)
i harnessed some eternal energy
attuned some reiki
and put my hand there
he came really quick
and i pulled his energy into his foot
shot it back through is body
and let it roll in waves through the both of us
… for a half hour
good
fine.
people often say
“you’ve got great energy”
the guy i fucked last friday
great sex
lots of fun
he was completely blown away
saying i was a wizard
indeed: we had an excellent connection
and Jorge said he felt me immedately
the first time i put my mouth on his cock
‘i could tell you wanted my creative energy… and i wanted your energy… so it was an even exchange and i was happy to give myself to you for you…”
Yes.
so long as things are balanced… somehow.
i guess things are always balanced, right?
no
the world is very out of balance in many ways
so i do need to be wary.
meditate
meditate
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