ask for what you want

i have stated it
i have made it perfectly clear
and even in understanding
since the first year i had sex with a boy
i was 12
and we had been friends for years…
Best Friends, even
we were both dorks
but
for some reason
i liked his style of dorkyness more than other dorks
at the time…
at 11 or so
we both set off to be psychics
— as my childhood dream to be a wizard became less and less practical
i dummbed down slightly to a more acceptable story as a Psychic
we worked on telepathy
and did dark rituals with candels in the barn to a friend we had found in the field behind my new house
in the hole
where we balanced and bounced on a board
only late at night
over the mouth of Death
but we started having sex at age 12
(his birthday was less than a month before mine)
his Golden Birthday, as they call it
the sex wasn’t very advanced
just handjobs, mostly
and mostly masturbation
it was only after i turned 13
that we started giving blow-jobs
— a cue from a 26 year old i worked with at the time
that i decided Sex (with him) was Boring.
i told him so
‘ we used to do all sorts of things together…
we lived in our imaginations
and now we just see how many times we can cum in a night
— it’s boring.. i want to have less sex and more of other things ‘
but instead
we stopped being friends
i then became friends with kids who were intelligent
i mean
dorks who were intelligent
freaks, really
sex with them was less of an issue
because i had already started then
a relationship with another guy of 32, when i turned 14
it became very clear to me at that point that if you had sex with friends
they would turn boring
so i never tried to have sex with them
we explored other worlds together
in magik
and Art
Films and Novels
(before i had mostly read Greek Myths, some sci-fi and some fantasy (all the Tolkien)
they introduced me to Ginsberg and Morrissey and Wilde
but also to Satre and Camus and Kafka
we would do drugs together (mostly pot)
and travel to other levels of being
when we started taking LSD and mushrooms together
at the age of 19
things completely when somewhere else
and lost in the desert
naked
on the night of the solstace
i begged them to go
they said
“we’re going”
of course
i wasn’t trying to get them to go away
i wanted to leave the Earth
i wanted to Go
they said
“we’re going”
i said
‘ wait! ‘
“common”
‘ how? ‘
they would look at me
“common”
‘ but how? i don’t know how to? ‘
i couldn’t even ask the question
it’s like in my dreams
i can be walking down a street
and just step up into the sky
fly across the town
or over the wall
or… just through it.
How?
how do you walk across the room?
How do you Swim? or Breathe? or Dream?
“common, let’s go”
‘ i want to … but how? am i ready yet? how are you going? ‘
“dominic. don’t talk. common, let’s go”
‘ but… ‘
perplexed i just watched them
their eyes begged me
this wasn’t happening in this reality anyway
they were telling me
just step out of it
leave it
come HERE
But
How?
i’ve made it clear, ok?
Eating is great
sex sure is fancy
yeah! drugs and TV.. YEAH!
but i need more than that
i know there IS more than that
i’ve done it with people
the Leo Snakes i knew would just go there with me
we’d put our heads and our bases together
touching one or another and transmitting through the illusion of the distance
with drugs
or not
we could be there
Right there with It
i’ve even got there with a friend on a bench in a public square in a small french town a few years ago
just looking at eachother in reality
and extending far beyond even the Here and Now
into the Eternity.
fully alive.
but it’s so rare!
and such a struggle!
what the fuck?
and it seems to bore everyone to death!
Literally!
people don’t want to talk about it.
they change the subject
some look visibly offended
like i’m violating some sacred code
some just dissapear
go to sleep
i believe that Everyone is aware of Everything
and do as much as they can to forget it
forget it every night
have countless thoughts and attempts at remembering it
[ create art, do yoga, pray, fuck, take drugs, watch movies, read books, perform… listen ]
and at other times, and often fairly regularly
work with the dull exactitude of a Pendulum
to wipe it out, blur it, disolve it, burn it away.
forget it so hard that they commit to the ultimate act of forgetfulness
and Die
get out of all the responsibily
or Even just the Awareness of it
{what’s so scary? not a threat in sight! you just can not handle… you just can’t handle Love}
it’s what i really want, oK?
why’s it so hard for me?
and why is it so hard for us to talk about it?
and why can’t i just Go?
not even to Leave
but to exist on that further level of awareness
Really. if there is any one interested
even just as an experiment
or as a guide
or as a tourist!
common
let’s go.