angry, and a few other things on the way home

“never again, i said, never again”
says the black man giving us a monologue at the back of the bus
he got on with no money and through the logic of the angry victim
convinced the driver to let him ride
and was still angry
“man, i’m just trying to get to work”
like
he couldn’t care enough to bring along some of the money he earns?
no_ he’s just crazy
and i’m embarrassed to be a person with him
he prattles away at the back of the bus the whole ride.
i’m heading back up to santa rosa
this time from richmond
this time from El Cerrito Del Norte
this time
via San Rafel
is the guy in the mechanized wheel-chair in front of me in pain?
he’s writhing
sitting down all the time
paul mcartney came on the radio this morning to say
“if this world of constant changes
makes you break down and cry
live and let die”
the guy in the back says
“magic johnson was the greatest
he’s a tripple double
that is, he’s got double figures in THREE aspects of the game
that three is Triple, the other is Double
he’s a triple double
now Michael Jordan is only 6’5″
and don’t get me wrong, i admire him, i’ve got a lot of love for Michael Jordan
but Magic Johnson is the Greatest…”
he’s talking to no one,
i turn around to check
“yosimetie sam was tough, yeah…”
but there is no one he’s talking to
maybe he’s talking to me…
it’s a foggy day
though the sun is broken through now, as i travel over richmond bridge
still, everything looks polluted, kinda murky
is it the tint on the windows?
i’m still sick
i got really really angry
really judgemental
projecting shit everywhere
and it turned in on myself
emotions
i’m embarrassed by them
everything i feel is unjustified
everything i feel is just for leverage
to manipulate people into doing what i want them to do
that’s the way it’s always been
that’s the way it’s always been
“never again, i said, never again”
every time i get angry i’m shy to even say so these days
it’s just me i’m angry at
it’s just me who made the mistake anyway
what the hell am i doing here?
i’m on a long bridge over this beautiful american-polluted bay
i’m heading home
home to a love i can’t receive very well
confused by sex and a bad taste in the mouth
no bed of my own
floor mat
i want
and a stack ov books
and a stack of lemons
to make lemonade out of
i’m tired of being sick
i will starve myself well
the hessidic..
no..
the hafiz: one who remembers
those who could remember the whole Koran
mmmm, the Marin Rod and Gun Club
planning to take over the new world order…
No.
aesetic?
what’s it called when you starve yourself of worldly pleasures and punish yourself for the desires of them
something like that
like oil
or acid.
i want to bring gifts of love and hope and prosperity
not this poison
that is currently making me suffer suffer suffer
i’ll go inside
and turn on the light
and clean the place up
or burn the place down.
the guy’s talking louder now
repeating things he’d said before
it’s like he’s having a conversation
‘cept he’s not
he’s holding us all captive
i feel like everyone is looking at eachother
saying “sorry”
or
“won’t someone please make him stop?”
maybe we’re saying “sorry” coz we’re not making him stop
maybe we’re all saying “sorry” because we feel responsible for him
he’s heavy… but he’s our brother.
—
i’m on another bus now
80
to santa rosa
i just changed
here in san rafel
“hello, we’re called Sausilito…”
the guy in the wheel chair is coming too
a girl asked him how his day was
“it started out a bit rough, it’s alright now”
eli called
when i was on the other bus
to thank me for all the mix CDs
— he’s got a week and half left of filming
it took a long time
but he sang me the line
“take a left, a sharp left, and another left”
and asked “who was that?”
‘ Badly Drawn Boy ‘
then he asked me where i was
and was surprised i wasn’t in oregon anymore
but i told him i was tired of being sick in a place i couldn’t take care of myself
i’m coming home so i can take care of myself
and i won’t let anything stop me, damnit.
i started prattling off all the lyrics from that very CD i’d made for him that i’d thought of today:
i wear my badge –
a vinyl sticker with Big Block Letters
adhered to my chest
that tells all your New Friends
“i am a visitor here
i am not Permanent”
the
only
thing
keeping
me DRY here
it seems so out of context
in this Gawdy apartment complex
a stranger with your door-key
explaining that i’m just visiting
while i am finally seeing
that i was the one worth leaving
–
i was bad new for you
just because
i never meant to hurt you
–
i don’t want to live with you
or anywhere near you
i want to catch you unawares
undressing in front of the window as i drive by, maybe
,
pull the night time Tight around us
and we can
keep eachother warm
enroute to strip lit kitchens that smell of gas
and potato peelings
in the subway
where the walls crumble and cover you in a fine dust
coz we haven’t got a home to go to
–
i want to repair your desire
call it a gift
that i stole
from just Wanting to Live
—
Eli pauses and says
“you’re having a lot of drama with your illness there, eh?”
and we talk about him a bit
last time we spoke i’d told him he’d often complained about how we only talked about me
but getting him to talk about him was
“like pulling teeth, as they say in the cliche world”
i ask him a question and he says two words and silence
i fill it with something
and i have lots to say about me.
so he talks about Jessica
his sister
we’re hoping
we’re praying
to be in a generous mood…
she’s got a baby
and that’s all she’s got
Jessica quits everything
everything…
she’s in culinary school
they were teaching her how to manage a bakery, do payroll, order supplies
she freaked out and said “they’re asking too much of me”
and hasn’t been back to school for a week.
baby.
then Eli got called back to the set.
now i’m on another bus
driving through a much dryer northern california than i left
tomorrow is the first day of summer
and the water is almost all gone.