almost what I want

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the feeling of obligation
rare for such a slacker as myself
precious
even when pathetic

some guy
whatever
some guy who wants me to drain him
gives me direction
asks me to come over
to Jersey City

I live here
and the longer I live here
the more it seeps into me
everything that’s supposed to be
the beliefs we can all agree on

scared of the black man?
the African man
the Orishas
how did they become scary?
(again)

Jersey
second rate
trash
body storage units
America

I often joke about
(jokes are only funny when they’re true)
I live in manhattan
because it’s an island off the coast of America
a river separates me from Anywhere, USA

the wind blowing through the PATH tunnels made me feel strange
and waiting forever for those trains
traveling to distant lands

coming up on wide empty city streets
too wide
too empty
no life, no character

crossing over
through the mall
as he suggested
odd
to be in an American mall
at night
empty
Anywhere shops all shut tight
not a person to be seen

lots of signs for restrooms on the third floor
so I took the slow elevator up
though the toilets were empty
there were Caution: Wet Floor signs
and empty mop buckets in the middle of the floor

and signs everywhere: "Circle of Respect: if you see something suspicious text ______ to…"
"crime watchers" for cock suckers

America

I took the escalators down
kept snaking through the horrible empty building
why do they leave these open?
and no one breaks shit?
amazing.

I escaped through an emergency exit in the parking garage
and ambled down Eighth as it started to rain

small parks
niceish buildings
vinyl siding
a crotch that smells of piss
and even if he’s from a royal family
why is he living in Jersey?
font have to try so hard
it’s Almost As Good

I wasn’t going to sleep there
I set out to walk through the streets
looking much more New Englandish than New York does
down diagonal Newark street
glad I was out so late anyway
to see the clouds calm down
release their grip on the moon
let her shine
shine on me
in this old city

I talked with Leo
ailing friend
too exhausted to…

and waiting for an hour at the mouth of the tunnel
the wind blowing by me
had to go to Hoboken anyway
and there got on three men
two very drunk looking irish men
old and haggard
sweet
smiling and laughing
sitting across from eachother
some distance

waiting there
the last man got on
also drunk
probably Dominican
he talked at me
I was watching Heroes
the Irish eyes smiled at me
I could not help but glance up
one too many times
and the Dominican caught my eye
got up
came over to me
I took off my headphones
he told me he loved me
son of god
Jesus
loves us
he took my hands
he kissed them
he hugged me
he kissed my face
sat next to me
held me
pulled my head, gently
to his lap
stroked my hair
told me I was loved

I asked him where he was going
like "Washington heights?"
he answered "home to my wife"
and the door opened on Christopher street

I hesitated
but felt if had enough
almost my fantasy of all strangers loving eachother
cuddling with unknowns on the train
letting this go on any longer would ruin it for sure
so I dashed out of the train
through that windy tunnel
walking down the empty streets
at 3am
not too empty
feeling more like I was in the right place
almost getting what I want
I’m suspicious of something so close
he was just drunk
the wind is just wind
I’m back where I belong
and when I got off the 1 train in my neighborhood
the moon was bright upon me
4am
the sky was clear
I stood on the corner and watched for a while
bathing
then walking up the hill home
it was easy to sleep that night
having sufficiently exhausted myself…

.iP