a moment of zen

i wanted to cut to the chase
but it would have left out so many of the good parts
i’ll leave out some of the same old pain and confusion
but by the time i’d surrendered and called the cab company (again)
a taxi pulled up beside me an let out his charge
i asked him if he’d take me up to Tiburon
and he said “yes” in a heavy accent
though it’s not as easy to get a cab here as it is in NYC
the one thing i am thankful for:
they don’t all have fucking ear-buds in
talking to someone in their native tongue the whole time they’re driving
this guy is Russian
and he’s telling me how his parents fled in 1917 (same time my family’s did)
to china
where he was born
then fled down to Brazil
where he lived from the age of 9 to 19
then he came to San Francisco
he’d lived in Indiana, New Orleans, NY
he talked about girl friends, but not wives
and about all the fags in Sf…
but he told his life story
worked with me to figure out where we were going
he was an old Peter Falk type guy
i loved the ride
and then
i’m at my client’s house
i’m really tired
i walk in
and stride past him
take off my coat
turn around:
and realize it’s someone i used to talk with on line when i lived up in Lake County years ago
‘ why didn’t you tell me!? ‘
i ask
i tell him we’re not going to do massage right away
we’re going to lay down naked and talk and touch
just to get acquainted
because i always remembered he was an interesting fellow
and he looked so much more human in person
hours later
no massage had happened
but plenty of tantric sex and amazing conversation had
– he’s a gemini as well
so he could fly with me
and he’d been doing meditation of many sorts since before he was my age
obviously he had succeeded in finding some peace and happiness
by the vivre he had… and the beauty of his house
however
i don’t usually have sex with people who can consciously have sex
i usually just like having sex with cute guys
but most of them aren’t conscious of what they’re doing with sex
so with their orgasms
i steer the energy
but with this guy
i’m bowled over
i’m spun
i about-cum a few times
but when i finally do (and, to my surprise, not OUT, but IN)
i totally dissolve
it’s like i’ve smoked a lot of grass
or taken some mushrooms or acid or something
and i’m standing up gesticulating all over the place
trying to explain to him what’s been happening
how i stood on the beach and FELT myself on the edge of the world
SAW how the tectonic plate pushed up and broke off into the sea!
and wondered what the earth would look like without water
what is the shape of the rock-body?
the skeleton of the earth?
and isn’t all LIFE how the earth and water meet?
didn’t someone tell me something once that all intelligence on this planet was WATER?
( i internally mocked them: because they forgot about earth, air and fire )
earth is not just acted upon
and the air plays part
and the sun
the sun
the sun
i SAW IT!
like when i was 18
and PERCEIVED the atmosphere for the first time
could actually see the clouds bending
and understood all of the dynamics of how sky is formed
and WHY
my part in it
i looked at a Tanka on the wall
“the palace” or something
was that the earth?
DiVinci’s square/circle concept — same thing?
he’s laughing at me
trying to get me back to understanding Zen
coz i was making fun of it
but all of the bullshit i usually say
that people just don’t understand
so let slide
he picked up and put in alignment
and suddenly i was TERRIFIED!
my heart felt like it was going to burst
my throat was closing up
i felt nauseous
the space between the stars is the Zen
the infinite pause at orgasm IS zen
the arena in which any god exists
is Zen
how come i never saw it like that before?
or, wait: i did
how come i forgot?
why do i keep forgetting?
i struggle to make sense
and tell him that i felt
at one point
that being an infinite being in this body was pointless:
i was manifest as limited to live a limited human life
Right?
i felt So STUIPD!
how the hell could i have decided such an absurd thing!
to be such and idiot!
he said ” you were raised to think you had to be like that… you were just falling back into your initial beliefs ”
Yes.. .i was trying to do that…
but all it did was made me ill
i found myself distanced
[but i always have]
and started finding the ways i had to act to be accepted by most humans
… like my family
and tried to draw a balance between the two..
i was stammering
i basically lost the ability to communicate
totally confused
he drove me home
and i slept
slow groggy morning
what happened?
i still felt off…
i went and sucked some guy’s dick for an hour
— he was afraid i might think he was a troll
— indeed he had gnarled fingers
a sad old basset hound
but i massaged the hound
and he said he’d never seen him be so calm and friendly
indeed
he’d never felt so relaxed in memory
“it’s not easy for me to feel relaxed…”
i walked around SoMa trying to get my bearings
i ate some indian food
and fell in love with a HUGS bumbling bear
i followed him around for a while
took some pictures of him
a movie of his gait
he disappeared
i came back to lucien’s house
and tried to rest
a million things going wrong
my email downloading EVERYTHING it had downloaded before
a million little blah blah blah problems
but everything worked eventually.
still
i could hardly function
could hardly have a conversation
a few phone calls
where i was just stammering
i talked to the man from last night
who wanted to see me again
and i wanted to see him too
but once again
i felt all off
and i couldn’t annunciate
couldn’t articulate
as if nothing were clear..
last night
i didn’t make him pay me
rather
i made him not pay me
even for the $60 taxi ride i paid to get up there
i told him it was my price of admission
i told him i’d needed a trade
and that’s what i got
i couldn’t see him again tonight
and tomorrow i’m going to santa cruz
i just needed to rest
i drank absinth
i ate dinner with Lucien and his friend
i came back into my room
and tried to make sense of things
as the evening wore on
as midnight passed
and i sorted out the email problem
and jacked off to some porn
i got my head back together
and remembered what it is i wanted to write about
it makes sense again, the choices i made
make
to get here
to be like this
of course
there is a quiet
dimond-eye’d voice in my head saying
“yes, you had to have random sex, displaced obsession, worldly distractions, food, alcohol and masturbation to porn so that terrible ideas would seem like good ones”
it’s true:
i want to be everything
i want to exist in eternity
i’m just scared scared scared
but it’s really all i’ve ever wanted
and i know i can do it now with LIFE instead of Death…
wow
what a project.
where do i start?
how do i get to Square One?