”
it’s the thrill of control
like a blitz-kreig on the roll
”
(such horrors hiding inside)
(our own type of drama)
[drama]
segment of today:
i noticed Bumble Bee had raised his hand as a healer
(sometimes i’m amazed by everything)
and wondered what kind.
i saw him at the smoking tent
and thought to ask him
but felt stupid
or just too spacey from the ganja
so just told him i was feeling tired (and this served as reminder to myself… as i kept trying to do more and more things)
because of the elevation shift.
He told me he’d felt the same way and took some Molasses
— all the iron in it helps to oxygenate the blood
Ah! a healer.
(laughs)
—
marijuana seems to be just making me sleepy and disconnected
i don’t think it’s good for me
(even though it DOES remind me to do yoga in the best of times…)
[smoke less!]
right. smoke less.
—
i accidently pronounced myself “vyne of the eagles” today
i meant to say ” of the owls ”
but
stoned.
in a conversation with Balance
it lead to his inviting me to visit a near-by Eagle sanctuary
OK.
he also gave me a picture of two eagles from this same sanctuary (still tucked in my written journal) when i sat next to him at the Naraya
—-
i wasn’t feeling horny at all
i lay here in the tent trying to nap
— heard people fucking around me
to the west
to the north
i opened the lap top
and it was only a farce
i kept moving it back to big fat bears
over and over
til
there i was
watching a little movie preview
and i came
old habits die hard
[“just try to kill them harder”]
—–
all too often
i am forgetting where i thought things
why i thought them
who i was with when i had that conversation
where or when that even was
—
when i am stoned
or sitting in meditation
or thinking…
i’ll sometimes notice that what i’m doing is very bad.
bad sex.
i mean
i’ve been having too much sex
sex that isn’t really good
nor good for me
though it’s fun
or whatever
it’s not really Great nor nourishing
— i’m losing my standards and awareness
(grrrrr)
i don’t know what to do about this.
i see people that have totally lost their deliberation and awareness
and i certainly don’t want to emulate that
yet i’m slipping
in the back of my mind
there is a little crew who have woken up
though they are tired and often feel their work is fruitless
they are telling me
reminding me
doing their best to steer me
but i sometimes think they’re bitter
and just say and do things out of frustration
—
right now
the door to anything useful is blocked
or lost.