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ah, but underneath
there is always something else
and we can say
it is beautiful
sure, i’m just waking up
the tractors and growling in the valley
preparing wine and other products
and the sky is gentle and pale
and i
i am still too groggy to be fully here
which is A-OK
(helicopter beating in the distance)
before i went to sleep last night i remembered something i wanted to write about
when Leo came back this week
he was only here for a day
i’d asked him to bring some things over from the civilized world to the mountain top
— he’d forgotten all of them
which made me angry
but i very quickly told him that
and just let it go
he was very tired, has he often is now
(working a lot)
i’ve made him this tea…
yerba Mate, Oatstraw, Damiana
in order to produce more testosterone in his body
and nourish him as he gives himself his morning stimulants
it’s also a major aphrodesiac blend
we lay naked and talked on the couch for a while
and then we decided to move out to the bed in the sun on the deck
i grabbed my massage oil
and told him to lay down on his back
now
i’ve been making all my money from massage for 3 years now
BUT
i’ve been doing massage out of love for over 16 years…
and so i started loving him
— he’s only had one massage before in his life
and it was me.
i rested into our energy field
called in peace and healing and love
then started the massage
gentle caresses
deep pressure on very tight neck muscles
falling-so-in-motherly-love
as i so often do…
many years ago i had a lover
and once
i asked him to give me a massage
he said he didn’t really know how to do it
and i said ‘ that’s ok ‘
and he just did it
and it was the best massage i’d ever had in my life
because he loved me.
(thank you robbit)
and it brought me into the understanding that the most healing thing is love
so i let myself come into a place of love for each person that i’m working on…
but to actually get to work on a lover… (i’ve known Leo over 3 years)
so beautiful
and i had to kiss him
(laughs)
caressing him
sending energy through him
smoothing his tension
enjoying his flesh
listening to his soft moaning
his soft snoring
i worked for about an hour when he said he was very thirsty
(we were laying in the sun)
so i told him i’d get his drink…
‘ should i pour it into your mouth? ‘
“mmm, i’d rather you put it in your mouth and kiss it into mine”
so yes
i did
a whole bottle of juice
and we were then devouring eachother
and culminating in love in the sun
with the beautiful valley below us
witnessed by a thousand trees
and the sky
two nights ago
there was an old friend of Leo’s here
a man i’ve also known a few years
he’s celibate
but we are sensual together
— he’s also Very uptight
and i got the feeling he came here to REACT to all of his restrictions
he started drinking alcohol and smoking lots of pot
they said
“oh, let me give you a massage”
which lasted maybe ten minutes
when he said he had to lay down or he’d pass out
hmmm
so i started massaging him
and went for an hour, probably
dum-de-dum
and when the orgasm was getting involved
i was so conscious of prayers
and calling in such loving blessings, beauty and release
no guilt, no shame, free loving…
there was a big explosion
that left me feeling very empty
and i didn’t really realize it til the next morning
but he is one of those men that keeps it all to himself
his energy
maybe that’s his vow of chastity? maybe it’s his up-tight personality
but he doesn’t share
and so i was open and giving with my energy
and just got drained
from lack of any return.
in the morning i felt used and sad
and was glad to see him go.
feeling so alone, so abused
i perpetuated it in the morning
eventually
working my way through my bear pictures and starting to masturbate
when a surprise picture of a current lover of mine came up
he’d just snapped the picture for me a few days ago
after reading something i’d written for him
a picture’s worth a thousand words, so that was his response
as he typed very little
and maybe it was because i was so open
and culling the pictures for their somewhat stale lust intrinsic in the taking
that i caught his message this time
and it stopped my hand
and pulled my energy into my heart
fixed on his blue eyes
i blew him a kiss and said ‘ thank you ‘
and got on with my day in more productive and loving ways.
good morning.